Is it that important?

[BleedBlue19]

I have been with my man for almost 2 years. Everything is about 85% perfect the last 15% being the bedroom. The sex is good but when you have been doing the same thing for 2 years, it kinda gets old. I find my lack of sexual exploration putting our relationship in a rut. It seems like sex is the only part of the relationship that we have room to make improvements on. He is out of town for the next 5 months on business. I have always thrown around the idea of adding a third partner in the bedroom. I love him and I want him to be happy and get everything he needs to be happy. Since I am not there to take care of him sexually I have given him permission to have sex with other men if he wants. Not to mention that this is a HUGE turn on for me to imagine him pleasuring other men the way he pleasures me and getting his nut in another guy. However he is apprehensive about this, he is in no hurry to run out and find a trick to fuck. I thought this was every man's dream, have his boyfriend give him permission to have sex with someone else. We love each other very much and Im confident that he will not leave me for someone else. Am I wrong for this... im just trying to do something different that will make things interesting to do things that will make him happy. Since he wasnt to into the sex with other people thing, I asked him if we could try bondage, I would love to get tied up or strapped down and just let him have his way with me. But he isnt too into any of that either. Is it me or him? Cause im running out of ideas and he isnt giving me any of his own. Advice please? Thanks guys.

 

[conrad]

When I was in a relationship on the "gay" side I would have been very insulted if my partner had suggested bringing in another person. I"m very old fashioned, I suppose, but faithfulness to me is vital. If the bonding is strong, partners are very eager to please each other, but encouraging infidelity, as a way of holding things together is over the line.

We all make our own arrangements to suit our particular needs. The arrangements which would be satisfactory to one person will not be so for other persons. We are all so very different. Keeping the flame of a relationship bright takes two working on it all the time. The wonderful thing is that if the bond is strong working at keeping it strong is pure joy.

 

[M4P]

Conrad has provided the feedback and advice I would have given

Sex may be only 15% of the relationship but it is an important part. Introducing a third person or giving permission to fool around is fine provided both parties are in agreement. Since your partner is not comfortable with this - don't push it. As for spicing things up I'd say work on it slowly. Perhaps he does want to be tied up and spanked but is just too shy to say so. Try a few suttle things now and then and see where it goes. Also, be spontaneous. I think you'll be just fine

 

[G-Lexington]

There are ways of spicing things up without bringing in the whips or other people.

Have you done it in the living room? On the kitchen table? In the bathroom?
Have you woken him up with a blow job?
Have you asked him to come home during lunch for a quickie?

I don't see this addressed in your post. When you suggested he sleep with other people, were you in fact hoping he'd say, "Great - you do the same"? I sort of get that vibe...

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

It sounds to me like you and your partner have different levels of sex drive. That's not unusual in LTR's and how it's accommodated is varied. At first, when you mentioned giving your bf permission to have sex with other men on his long business trip, I thought you were, in disguise, giving yourself permission as well. But, you also mention that it's a turn on for you to imagine him satisfying another man, and that happens with lots of couples, too.

If you're in a rut, there are simple ways to spice things up--many of which have been mentioned above (different positions, different rooms, spontaneity, etc.). The problem is, if he has a very different level of sex drive, doing these things--especially spontaneously--can be annoying to him, which is the opposite of what you want. So, I guess I agree with Brian to be subtle and introduce some spice and variety gradually. As for his trip--do want you want, it's no one else's business. And, who knows, after 5 months you might be surprised how little a rut you're in together after that time.

Good luck!

 

[sebastian-k]

... I thought this was every man's dream, have his boyfriend give him permission to have sex with someone else...

Not mine for sure!

I my bf tells me so i'll be offended, but thats another story... (or should i say thread?)


Well, making love is not about 'sexual exploration' -if i may say- because sooner or later you'll end up with no more 'new' things to do.

I'ts a common mistake, what makes us thing that we can do something new (about sex) that somebody else haven't done before in all those 200,000 years that humans have been on earth?

I know your current situation can be frustrating, my advice: let something different (Activity, and i said different not 'new') lead to sex, do with your bf something different than what you're used to after that, like going to dinner to a fancy place, or make him a cup of his favourite drink, or go to the supermarket with him, for example. See? the key is: Avoid routine.

 

[luminum]

It's not every guy's dream. It's probably because he loves you and wants to share the sex act with you, in all its intimacy. So I think he'd be happier if you showed that you care enough to actually work at that last 15% together to find fun and different things to do in the bedroom together.

You're telling him that yo can't give him what he needs sexually right now, but rather than working at it with him, you'd rather just have him fuck someone he doesn't know or care about. Obviously, busting a nut is not what he feels with you, it's something deeper.

Be careful, too, of the can of worms you're opening.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'll write a dissenting view here.

I find it very mature and good of you to have offered him an opportunity to enjoy his life for the 5 months a year, he is away from home (and you) making your common living possible. You have recognized the fact that most men do need a sexual component in their lives and that long periods of abstinence may be making a very painful separation, an even more painful one. He however, may or may not be appreciative of your offer. That's entirely up to him.

Doing it on a kitchen table can be an exhilarating experience once or twice. But that, too (just like the good ole' living room sex) can get very old, very soon.

Equally so, not everyone was made for monogamous LTRs. Your friend might be the one, with his possibly limited interest in sex and with his possibly lower sex drive. You are going somewhere else and he may be neither willing nor able to follow you there.

So, I'd sit and talk and agree to see, how far can the two of you guys go to meet each other's expectations and hopes. Doing nothing and just pretending that the issue does not exist is the least advisable of all your options.

There is no better way here than an honest m2m talk with all cards on the table and with the clear willingness to work together (the give and take principle) towards making the two of you as happy as you possibly can be.


SC

 

[bluedragon4]

I have been with my bf for 4 years and it does get stale and longer periods of time goes by between incounters but adding a 3rd is not the answer. It is not every man's dream. If my bf mentioned opening it up than I would know it was over and he would not want that anyway. I was in a relationship like that once about 12 years ago and it was a disaster! he ended up with AIDS and probably giving it to 20 other guys. Neither of us knew he had it till he got sick 2 years later.He ended up giving it or getting it from my best friend who gave it to his bf. Once you open that open relationship door all rules go out the window. Things happen in the heat of passion. I never got it cause luckily he was so busy fucking everyone else he didn't have time for me plus we never ever had anal sex. I think we did it once when we first met and we were together 5 very long years. Than we got all these weird looks from people and gossip about what dirty whores we were and that we both had AIDS and that we even took money for sex. I heard the oddest stories about myself. I actually left him and moved to a different city to start over.People now would never think I lived a crazy life like that in the past and I love the respect I get from my gay community and my friends and family. And I respect myself above all else.

 

[megustamyn]

Many years ago I agreed to a 3-way because my bf at the time wanted it and at that time I was so madly in love I would do anything for him. I resisted when he first talked about it but I went along when he showed up with another guy. To my surprise, I had a great time! He, however, did not. He got out of bed, took a shower and went home. The next day when he called he was furious that I had enjoyed being with someone else and even more furious that the other guy (an old friend of his) was really into me and actually called him to suggest another session. Anyway, that 3-way was the beginning of the end. Things got progressively worse and we split up a couple of months later. No more 3-ways for me.

Be very cautious. Things don’t always turn out the way we imagine them.

My partner and I will celebrate 10 years together this fall. Our sex life has gone through several cycles. Sometimes it’s great and other times it isn’t. Some of that has to do with various medications that I’ve been on over the years. I’ve taken some that have reduced my libido, others that have reduced my ability and one that turned me into a sex maniac but made me overly sensitive in other areas so that I’d break out sobbing over the smallest things. There have also been other issues not related to my medication. What has been constant throughout the years is the love we feel for each other.

The first guy I mentioned is by far the best sex I’ve ever had as far as proficiency and compatibility. He would stay the weekend and we’d do it 10 times in three days. But I would not trade my predictable and loving partner to get that great sex back.