is less sex reason to cheat?

[BlueDevil]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 12 years but we don’t have sex as often anymore, only like once or twice a month. He likes kind of plain sex like j/o and oral and I like a little more spice. I am definitely more of a bottom but he wont go there with me. So sex just doesn’t happen as much. Plus, he snores and for the last year won’t even sleep in the same bed as me because he says he doesn’t want to bother me with his snoring all night. his snoring doesn't bother me.

So anyway I went away for a week a couple of months ago and found out that while I was gone he hooked up with someone who he is still seeing off and on. He said his sorries, says its only sex, and says he’ll break it off right away since he loves me. He told this stranger that the reason he was looking outside of us was that I wouldn’t give him sex that he wants.

Now I’m crushed that he cheated on me (again – he did it once before), hurt that he wouldn’t confide in me, and confused that he wont give me what I want but cheats because he says I wont give him what he wants.

I don’t know what to do. 12 years is a long time.

 

[Ryuukie]

I'm sorry that you're hurt. Twelve years is a long time. But he's lying and cheating and not fulfilling your needs. Maybe it's time to cut your losses.

 

[FlaMan]

12 yrs is a long time but do you want to go another 12 with someone who prefers to sleep with someone other than you? Also I have got to ask...Have you been checked since you found out? I say send him packing esp since this is twice now...no more chances!

 

[thisisinteresting]

He doesn't sleep with you (literally) for reasons that don't make sense (GUILTY - HE FEELS GUILTY), has sex with other guys and says "it's only sex!" after complaining that you don't give him the sex he wants, and it's not the first time he's cheated on you?

Oh dear... please stop letting him drag you along on this ride. He's not right for you.

 

[KaraBulut]

You're not responsible for your boyfriend's cheating. He took his pants off, not you.

This comes down to three options.

1. You can have the discussion with him that you want an open relationship with all the negotiations that go on with that option.
2. You can take the don't ask, don't tell view that shit happens and that since it has happened twice, chances are good that it will happen again. And maybe counseling might be a good idea since it seems that neither one of you is getting your needs met.
3. You can take an objective look at whether the commitment that you have is worth the frustration and lack of satisfaction.

Only you can make that decision because only you know your values and whether the good in the relationship outweighs the bad.

However, in these cases it seems that it's not that you don't know what to do. It's more that you just don't want to do it.

 

[BlueDevil]

Those are all great points. I guess I might be lazy because I don’t want to give up what we have but your right, do I want to go on the same way? Maybe it is time to cut my losses as hard as it will be.

I just wish he would at least genuinely apologize or something to show me he’s sorry. Like old fashioned roses or something. I know it might be silly but saying “I’m sorry” because you got caught doesn’t mean much to me and kind of makes it clear that I need to get out. Showing me that he’s sorry with actions and gestures would be about the only thing that would make me think I *might* stay in it.

I found out only because I snooped in his email. I know I shouldn’t of done that but I had a hunch. I guess that means “don’t ask, don’t tell” wouldn’t work so well for me because I would get curious again and go where i shouldn't be going.

 

[Seasoned]

As someone in a LTR, I'd like to suggest couples counseling. Both of you need to know what needs will be met within the relationship and which will be met outside of it. For me it's important that our sexual needs are met within, but other couples have other ideas. I don't meet his shopping needs and he doesn't meet my travel needs, but we're there for each other for most everything else. Bottom line though is you both need to want to make things better. Good luck. I wouldn't throw it away just yet.

 

[ibill1]

Am I missing something here? Do you love this guy? You don't say what the sex is that he's not getting from you. Is this true? If you love him, give it to him, whatever it is. I did things with my Steve in our 33 yrs. that I wasn't crazy about but it made him happy so it made me happy to be able to do whatever I needed to do to please him. He did the same for me. You guys need to really sit down and talk. After 12 yrs. I'm sure you guys can talk all this out. And yes, maybe it might be time to consider other options.

 

[BlueDevil]

Am I missing something here? Do you love this guy? You don't say what the sex is that he's not getting from you. Is this true? If you love him, give it to him, whatever it is.

Yes, I love him. As far as sex, what it was that I wasn't giving him is frequency. What he wasn't giving me was variety. he's kinda like "first I suck you, then you suck me, then we sleep". i crave passion and kissing and maybe some fucking every once in a while. a little variety

So we did talk it out last night. he kinda felt ambushed and then it was confrontational. but I think it was a good talk anyway. he said he loves me and wants to work it out but then also that if I want to go, then I should go. He kept saying that I am hot so I will find someone quick, which was nice and all, but with the casual "if you want to go" thing added on it made me know I am doing the right thing by leaving.

 

[BlueDevil]

This is torture. It started to make sense that he wanted me to end it so I felt like I was on the right path. Now that I have ended it, he keeps telling me that he wants it back like it was.

i'm glad that I posted on here though because it got me to think deeper than I was. I almost convinced myself to stay and keep working on it but i know there will never be the same level of trust and he probably would cheat again.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. my close friends all said I should work on it but i guess it takes some impartial advice sometimes to clear your head and make a person think.Now I can open myself to whoever might come along next and i look forward to it!

 

[CudDULL]

Omg I would be devasted D: I'm sorry to hear that though.

I'm glad you have a positive attitude and I believe you did the right thing for yourself and your ex since the relationship seemed pretty dead.

 

[BlueDevil]

OK, a little rambling here but I wanted to give an update on my screwy relationship and a request for more advice.

So I did end the relationship. We talked about it a lot and he told me that it hurt him that I would give up so easy. I don’t think he reads this, but it was almost like he did because he came home last night with a dozen roses which is something that I had mentioned on here as a nice gesture that I would appreciate. He apologized again and again telling me it was all in the past, he screwed up, and maybe he was just having a midlife crisis or something (he’s only 41 but I’m a bit younger). Then it was the “I won’t do it again” speech. He said that he confessed to a couple of his friends and they urged him to look at all he had with me and beyond his petty gripes. I guess in his head he was thinking that he’d just move on and find something with someone else, but they reminded him that he could be single for a long time and maybe wouldn’t ever find what he has with me. They told him that I was hot and had a lot of nice qualities he shouldn’t forget. Wow, that was nice and kind of touching since I don’t know those friends all that well, just from occasional parties or dinners.

In the end, he asked me to sleep back in our bed again and try one more time to make it work. I thought I was clear what I wanted but I caved in and took him back. So now I am committed to figuring out what went wrong and making it work and I hope that he does the same on his end.

So here is where I am digging for more advice on this f’d situation. I know that if I want to make it work I need to forgive. Any tips on how to get over the hurt and really do that? other than time and maybe counseling i don't know how to forgive, forget, and get passed it.

 

[mydrew1]

Not bad, good luck. Just talk more often about how much he means to you, etc, I guess.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Ya'll crack me up sometimes. You are the quickest to dump someone and move on. Maybe it's because you don't know the people and the internet is so impersonal.

12 years is a long time and these guys have built a life together. Long term relationships make it because you get through things like this, you don't bail at the first sign of trouble.

My partner and I, of 12 years, have made it through several things like this and sometimes we want to throw in the towel. But we have set our lives up to get us through this stuff - both of us would sooner die than tell our parents we aren't together any longer. This is one of my biggest arguments for gay marriage - standing in front of a judge and telling him your relationship is a failure takes a lot of courage - and you will try a lot of things to keep from going through that.

All this to say - if they have an otherwise healthy relationship - working through this should be given strong consideration. I have said this before, but I think gay guys try to live their life by hetro standards and I am not convinced we should or have to. Not that we should be deceitful or unfaithful, just don't box yourself into the notions of monogamy.

BlueDevil - I hope you give your man some slack and talk with him and see if you guys can get through this if you don't have any unhealthy issues - every relationship over about 3 years has some really hard times. This may seem like a small bump in 20 years.

Good luck.