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Is my friend gay/bi? Can't tell

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yybb28

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I think one of my friends is gay, or at least bi, but Im not sure. Over the past few months Ive been noticing a few things about him thats made me curious. I noticed lately he almost seems pissed off if he gets attention from girls, or if they make a pass at him real strongly. Also, lots of girls have flat down offered to sleep with him, but he doesn't take things very far with them. Or he tells them they can sleep together if they do something first, which is almost impossible to do, so they end up not sleeping together.
That's the first thing. Another thing is that I noticed he doesn't seem that enthusiastic when it comes to talking about some girls. He is a relaxed person either way but it was weird. Also, one time one of our friends asked him if he was bi, and he replied that even his parents ask him that, but the thing is he never answered that question back with a yes or a no.

There are some other signs as well.. when I look at what I wrote they seem like very obvious signs when I read it all back to myself, but could they be explained for other reasons? I thought maybe he hated the attention because he had problems getting it up, but I dont think he has that problem.

So does he seem gay, or bi? what do u think? It doesn't bother me, no matter what he is, but I wish he could be honest with me, that's what friends are for after all.
 
You know what is going on with him.

He knows what is going on, too. But he's not ready.

Does he know you're gay? If not, tell him. Or tell him about JUB forums.

A lot of "curious" or "questioning" guys want to have someone to talk with when they are ready. But that person needs to be trustworthy and able to respect the decisions that the person makes regarding their sexuality. If you're not the kind of person who will respect your friend's decisions or a person who will honor his requests to keep his secrets, then you're better off not getting involved.
 
Tell him you're gay.

Tell him you wonder if he's gay or bi.

See what happens.

Because frankly, without knowing your friend, none of us can tell from here if he's queer.
 
He might be gay, he might not be gay. But instead of trying to read the tea leaves, why not go the direct route? Does he know you're gay? If not, why not? You coming out to him will be his signal that, if he's gay, he can come out to you.

Lex
 
what if i come out to him and he flips out and then our friendship is over? its a big risk to take and i dont wanna ruin this.
 
Well, you DO see what you're doing here, right? You're looking for clues that HE's gay, all while trying to withhold that information from him. If he's not being very forthcoming in giving out those clues, you can hardly blame him if you're doing precisely the same thing.

Might he flip out? Sure. He might flip out if you tell him you're friends with a black guy, too, or that you voted for a Democrat once. People can flip out over some pretty trivial things. But the thing is - you're friends. You've got some history, you enjoy each other's company, and ideally, you're there for each other in a pinch. If this guy was going through a tough time, wouldn't you be there for him? If he had something he wanted to talk about, but was afraid you'd judge him on it, wouldn't you want him to know "Dude, I'm here for you. You can talk to me about anything"? Because that's what being friends means. Just because you're gay doesn't mean things have to change. When I was dating and trying to get laid, my friends were there cheering from the sidelines. The fact that I was trying to get into a guy's pants instead of a girl's didn't change things in the slightest.

The only real problem is that this guy isn't just a friend. It sounds like you've started crushing on him. And that can cause issues. Because he might not be gay. Or he might not be into you "like that". Or he might not want to ruin the friendship by making it physical. You'll have to be aware of the very real possibilities that one of these will take place.

So what do you do? Honestly, come out to him. Make it all about you. Don't drag him into this at all other than the fact that he's your friend, you feel comfortable telling him things, and you think he has the right to know. I've found it to be the case that people tend to look at you for cues on how to react. If you treat it like a big horrible secret, if you say "I have something to tell you but you have to SWEAR to NEVER tell anyone ever!", then he's gonna treat it like a big horrible secret. If you treat it like it's no big deal, he's much more likely to treat it like it's no big deal. Because in this day and age (assuming you're in the US or UK or Canada or Australia...), it really isn't that big a deal.

"I'd like to let you in on something. I don't know if you've guessed, but I'm gay. I figured that's something you deserve to know, and I think you're cool enough that you won't freak out over that revelation."

Lex
 
yybb28 said:
what do you mean, so do you think he might be bi or gay?
Click to expand...

My first thought was "Did Rose Kennedy own a black dress?".

But the real answer here is that he is whatever he says he is. Because he's probably not ready to completely accept it.



yybb28 said:
what if i come out to him and he flips out and then our friendship is over? its a big risk to take and i dont wanna ruin this.
Click to expand...

What if he says, "Me too" and he throws you on the ground, rips off your clothes and the two of you make hotsweatymonkeylove?

There's a lot of "what if" scenarios that can play out here. But none of them is reasonable excuse for being in the closet with your "friends".

Listen- there are other threads about this subject on the forum. This is like those staring contests we used to do back in elementary school to see who would blink first. Only this isn't a game and we're not in elementary school.

How on earth can you consider someone a friend if you're not being honest with them? And how can you ever expect them to trust you if you're not willing to trust them? And how can you possibly support someone who is coming out of the closet if you aren't willing to take that step yourself?
 
yybb28 said:
what if i come out to him and he flips out and then our friendship is over? its a big risk to take and i dont wanna ruin this.
Click to expand...

He's probably thinking the exact thing. Someone's gotta grow a pair. Even with the remote chance that it turns out bad, you can at least commend yourself for your bravery. You can respect yourself more for taking that chance and being real about yourself.
 
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