Is my friend in the closet?

[borg69unimatrix]

You're not the first gay guy to fall for his straight best friend, or to see what he wants to hoping there's a rat's ass chance in he'll of the stars aligning just right and ending up that rare exception and living the Disney romance. Believe me, I've been there more times than I can count.

You're fortunate to have a support group here with voices of reason. I wasted a lot of my life chasing, waiting for, and pining for the unobtainable.

 

[wikke1]

Personnaly, I don't think he's in the closet.
Let me just put myself (when I was in the closet) into the shoes of your friend you think might be gay.

1. Buddy claims he is heterosexual

I never "claimed" this? I would just vigurously avoid the subject alltogether

2. Every major vacation has been spent between the two of us (except Thanksgiving and Christmas), especially at Walt Disney World

Great for you. I would have never done that with a straight guy, because I would feel too uncomfortable, and not with a gay guy, because I would have been afraid that others thought I was gay too

3. Buddy claims to have had girlfriends, "loves playing with pussy", but admits that he has not had sex in nearly a year and is trying to be abstainate full time

See 1. If he's really closeted, my personal opinion is that he would avoid talkin about all this.

4. Buddy has expressed no interest in having kids or getting married

I'm gay and Always wanted kids. I know a lot of straight guys who don't want kids... Doesn't mean anything

5. Buddy has professed contempt for women, can't stand them most of the time

My experience is that most gay men are very respectfull towards women

6. Last time we hung out, buddy gave me a particularly intimate goodbye hug where after he put his head on my shoulder for 10 seconds/rested it there

Good for him. He looks comfortable around you, and with himself. I was super afraid of physical contact ith other men while in the closet.

7. Buddy went ballistic when I acted super close to him while visiting a parent

Maybe doesn't want his parents to think he's gay, because he's not.

8. Every vacation in the past 6 months we share the same bed but aren't fully naked- briefs/boxers; when a housemate gave the opportunity for me to sleep on an air bed be told her "no thanks were good"

See 6.

9. With respect to the bed situation, initially he was very phobic about me sleeping next to him but, after being in a position rendering that the only option other than the floor, chose to do that. Since then he's admitted to me it's worked out well

See 6.

10. When we talk most of the time his voice starts getting noticeably more hushed/relaxed sounding

So it could be that you are actually friends with a straight guy, and he with you. Great!





I DON'T KNOW. It's just my 2 cents...
Could it just be that you want him to be gay?
Maybe you should just ask him, as a friend. And then respect his answer, whatever it my be
GOOD LUCK!

 

[Ganoderma]

(...) he genuinely loves being with me. We are at peace together and can't wait to be together again when apart. The mutual interest is electric and constant. Every indication I've ever had from him is that he dislikes being in relationships with women (...).

hi sseeker,

Thanks for your replies. Well, people are different and people have different opinions in regard to the type of friendship / relationship they have with each other.

I tend to think that you have given a quite good description of the current relationship / friendship between you and him, and I tend to advise you to continue this friendship when you have the idea that it feels alright and OK. Please be aware that there is no law or something like that which dictates that its not allowed for a gay guy to have a very close friendship with a straight guy.

So I don't see a problem when both you and he are happy with the current situation. Meaning that you are an open gay guy, and that he is a straight guy, and that both of you have some sort of very close friendship with each other. He feels himself very comfortable around you, and the same is true for you. But he is a straight guy, and he has told you clearly he does not want sex with you. So respect this, and see how things are developing each other.

Maybe people around him and you will think / assume that he is a gay guy (as they are aware that you are gay). Well, you don't need to hide anything, and you tell them that he is straight.

Good luck and take care.

 

[sseeker]

I do appreciate the very realistic approach. One of my best friends who is straight has sworn on everything he's heard above that this guy is 100 percent gay and in the closet, but who does it help to pine away for the unobtainable? If he isn't straight he's got to make that journey alone, if I remain his best friend maybe he chooses me in the end, but maybe not? So long as I keep that in mind I won't be crushed by the end result, whatever that result is. I don't think this relationship is messed up though so long as I keep that in mind. I'm the one messing it up when I want more than I can have.

 

[sseeker]

Interesting devils advocate take, even if all signs except the I reject you/im straight point to gay from mine (and others') points of view

Personnaly, I don't think he's in the closet.
Let me just put myself (when I was in the closet) into the shoes of your friend you think might be gay.

1. Buddy claims he is heterosexual

I never "claimed" this? I would just vigurously avoid the subject alltogether

2. Every major vacation has been spent between the two of us (except Thanksgiving and Christmas), especially at Walt Disney World

Great for you. I would have never done that with a straight guy, because I would feel too uncomfortable, and not with a gay guy, because I would have been afraid that others thought I was gay too

3. Buddy claims to have had girlfriends, "loves playing with pussy", but admits that he has not had sex in nearly a year and is trying to be abstainate full time

See 1. If he's really closeted, my personal opinion is that he would avoid talkin about all this.

4. Buddy has expressed no interest in having kids or getting married

I'm gay and Always wanted kids. I know a lot of straight guys who don't want kids... Doesn't mean anything

5. Buddy has professed contempt for women, can't stand them most of the time

My experience is that most gay men are very respectfull towards women

6. Last time we hung out, buddy gave me a particularly intimate goodbye hug where after he put his head on my shoulder for 10 seconds/rested it there

Good for him. He looks comfortable around you, and with himself. I was super afraid of physical contact ith other men while in the closet.

7. Buddy went ballistic when I acted super close to him while visiting a parent

Maybe doesn't want his parents to think he's gay, because he's not.

8. Every vacation in the past 6 months we share the same bed but aren't fully naked- briefs/boxers; when a housemate gave the opportunity for me to sleep on an air bed be told her "no thanks were good"

See 6.

9. With respect to the bed situation, initially he was very phobic about me sleeping next to him but, after being in a position rendering that the only option other than the floor, chose to do that. Since then he's admitted to me it's worked out well

See 6.

10. When we talk most of the time his voice starts getting noticeably more hushed/relaxed sounding

So it could be that you are actually friends with a straight guy, and he with you. Great!





I DON'T KNOW. It's just my 2 cents...
Could it just be that you want him to be gay?
Maybe you should just ask him, as a friend. And then respect his answer, whatever it my be
GOOD LUCK!

 

[Seasoned]

JESUS CHRIST!! You are right about the harshness and I'm fed up. There's a difference between blunt and harsh and a couple of you need to start learning the difference yesterday. The word "should" ought to be banned from this forum. No one has any right to impose their truth on to anyone else. Whether we are 10, 20, 40 or 70 we are on our own path.

Now, as far as your friend is concerned, it appears that many, many people whether gay or straight develop romantic and sexual feeling towards friends and these are friends that don't reciprocate those feelings and oftentimes are even creeped out when the feelings are expressed. Just last week one of my husband's female friends told him she had feelings for him. Closeness can do that for some people and some of those people don't have a lot of activity in their lives nor a wide enough circle of friends.

I don't know your situation in that regard but I will advise you that even if your friend were gay it could be very likely he would be attracted to someone other than you. I've also heard about that happening and it's been devastating for the other party.

My advice in these situations is always the same. Don't be social crutches for each other. Find your social life independent of him including dating and hook ups, if you're so inclined.

 

[sseeker]

Well that's the thing. He IS starting to reciprocate my feelings, just not completely and all at once. He even recently reciprocated an "I love you" when I said it to him, which is something months ago which he wouldn't return and later told me made him very uncomfortable. This isn't a static relationship where Im just falling down a spiral.

We are growing together as best friends and, as a result of this conversation, I've begun an open dialogue with him about whether he would be comfortable committing to us being with each other long term and accepting that some people might label us as gay though he is not. He's already made it clear he now wants to live with me, and he's even relocating from across the state to do so. Maybe as a gay man I belong exploring having a sexual life, but is it so wrong of a life if we both PREFER a sex free life together to me with another gay man and him a woman?

We both admit we have needs neither of us can meet, but we have also said we are both not interested in having those needs met anymore. Of course a part of me still is, but most of the time I'm happy regardless. I just hoped perhaps he was just in the closet so one day both of us could have all our needs met. But if this will never happen, I don't think I would abandon or diminish what is the most amazing relationship of my life (he agreed in this assessment) just so I can get some dick, that is, so long as his commitment to abstain is as heartfelt as mine and we end up spending our lives together and taking care of each other, as in the past several months we have in a very real way started to do.

 

[Rolyo85]

You are setting yourself up for a massive and protracted heartache, but clearly you are determined to not let go and instead go through with pursuing a guy you clearly don't respect enough to take at his word. Good luck to you, I hope you don't get hurt too bad.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi sseeker,

Thanks for your friendly and extensive replies.

You asked us "Maybe as a gay man I belong exploring having a sexual life, but is it so wrong of a life if we both prefer a sex free life together to me with another gay man and him a woman?"

Nothing is wrong with this way of living, as long as both of you agree with it. All is up to you and up to him, and I don't see a real problem as long as both of you agree. You might even state that gay people have some sort of advantage when it comes to how to organize their life and how to organize the way how they interact with people / friends around them. Straight couples often feel a huge pressure to live according to 'strict rules' (but be aware that these rules are not identical for all cultures), but this is much less the case for gay people.

I tend to think that its almost always some sort of compromise between people when they start to have close contacts with each other. Good of you to talk about it with him, but please don't push him in a certain direction.

Good luck and feel free to react.

 

[Miller85]

By the way to clarify when I say he goes ballistic I mean he just rants me out "Im a heterosexual and will never never never have sex with you. I reject you!" Then he later feels bad for coming down on me like that. He doesn't apologize, he just kind of clears the air and feels bad that my feelings were hurt. He's never once struck me or anything like that; but for this issue he's the kindest, most caring, wonderful friend I've ever had. He also knows I am very much in love w/him and we've gotten closer not further away since I told him; he just can't make his own major breakthrough..it's like we just keep getting closer a bit at a time (see above for the progression of these steps)

Hello Seeker,

Unless I missed it in one of the other replies, I wanted to pick up on what you said above (emphasis mine).

You see, the fact that he knows that you're in love with him changes things quite a bit. He knows that all the hugging, sleeping together, intimate talks etc. (i.e. the physical and mental intimacy) are things that will 'feed' your feelings for him. He is giving you hope - but it remains an open question why exactly he is doing this. As far as I can tell, there are two possibilities.

(1) He may be secretly infatuated with you as well but only slowly bringing himself to the point of admitting this to himself and you. If this turns out to be the case, I would still strongly recommend, as others on this thread have done too, that you proceed with caution - if you proceed at all (see below).

(2) It may be that he is straight (or gay but uninterested) and doesn't want to lose the only person who seems to understand him and seems to be there for him unconditionally. If this turns out to be the case, he is giving you hope because he believes this to be the only way to keep you around as a friend.

It seems to me that it is in both your and his best interest to figure out where exactly he stands in regard to the above. Obviously, if (2) turns out to be the case it will be a blow to you both, but that blow will have a much, much deeper impact if it lands when the two of you are already living together. I myself have been in a similar situation with my former best friend whom I met when I was 18. He was in love with me for quite a few years but I only wanted to be friends. Nevertheless, without realizing it I reciprocated his need for physical intimacy (hugging, cuddling, that kind of thing.) because I unconsciously feared that if I wouldn't, he would break-off the friendship. Years later he criticized me for leading him on and rightly so. I suggest you find out whether or not something similar is going on here.

But even if (1) turns out to be the case, you're not in the clear I fear. The both of you don't appear to have a lot of other people to depend on for mental intimacy and that is never a healthy position to find oneself in. Even if you do get to the point of a full-blown relationship with this guy, it will never survive for long if the both of you don't have other people in your life to fall back on, blow off steam with, ask for help and advice, etc. He at the very least sounds like he has too many issues for you to be his sole confidant. Seek out others to get close to and encourage him to do the same. Only then I think will a relationship have even a fighting chance.

Best of luck to you.

 

[layton]

What I always say is if he says he is straight, for all intensive purposes he is. Do not make a move, if he is gay, hopefully one day he will come out, but until then I would consider him straight. I would not risk your friendship by making a move, he could very well be gay, but I wouldn't risk your friendship on the off chance that he actually is straight.