Is there a way to remain friends?

[CarriedAway]

I apologize in advance if this ends up being long but I want to give a good background (as well as let this all out for my own mental health haha)

I met this friend “Billy” (straight male) about 3 years ago. We were slowly starting to hang out more, and then I left to study abroad for a semester shortly after. After I got back from my studies, I came back with the courage to finally come out to my family (with the inspiration of an awesome friend I met abroad). At this same time of great change in my life, I was continuing to become closer and closer with Billy. I wrestled back and forth if I should come out to him for a while. I kind of put it off, even though I had a feeling he suspected it anyway, as I would try to drop subtle hints (was very hard for me to actually say the words “im gay” at that point). Billy was going through some rough times and essentially was homeless at one point, and began crashing at my place more and more (well actually my parents, as I lived with them). Eventually, my generous parents just extended an invitation for him to live with us until he got on his feet.

I was stoked to have him live with me, as we were becoming really good friends. But I felt more and more that I needed to come out to him, now that we would be living together.

1. I was sick of pretending and having phony conversations about girls
2. I felt it was fair for him to know since we would be in close quarters.

So eventually, with a little liquid courage and a build-up of hints, I officially confirmed to him that I am gay. He said he had a feeling from some of my hints along the way, and didn’t really have a huge initial reaction other than that. It turns out the next year would be full of fights and arguments as he actually turned out to be pretty homophobic. We were both raised in a very conservative, mostly Christian community, so it wasn’t too surprising. He would make snide remarks about how gross it is and reference the Bible to try to put me down (while apparently choosing to ignore the parts that condemned him sleeping with his GF before marriage lol). It wasn’t the ideal first experience coming out to a male friend, but in general we enjoyed hanging out with each other. One of those 90 percent great/10 percent bad relationships, but the 10 percent could get REALLY BAD.

So we had our back and forths as he lived with me over the next year, but we slowly got to a place where we could joke about it instead of fight. He still didn’t completely understand or “agree” with it, but the harsh homophobic remarks ended and he started to empathize more with the struggles I’ve had to face.

Onto my main issue: yes, you guessed it, falling for a straight guy. I had no initial attraction to him, and just thought he was a cool guy. However, the more I hung out with him the more I became attracted to him and I was even CONVINCED at one point early in our friendship that he had to be gay. It was, of course, all wishful thinking and reading into things that shouldn’t be read into. And other people’s suspicions of him being gay also added fuel to my fire. I knew what a dangerous path this was and would try to hold back my feelings for the sake of our friendship. I was very insecure at this point of my life and was dealing with all the emotions of coming out and actually starting to accept myself as being gay. The attention and close bond with Billy felt so good to have and my feelings for him continued to build, as much as I tried to keep them away. We ended up becoming very, very close and I was almost dependent on him to the point that I was basing my daily plans around him. There were plenty of complications as I would inevitably get jealous when he would spend too much time with his GF. I think I wanted a BF so bad that I would sometimes try to treat him like mine. It helped (or rather didn’t help), that he didn’t have any other close friends. So anytime that wasn’t spent with his GF - was spent with me. And I made sure to always make myself available for him no matter what!

We have had many ups and downs, but our recent fights were more a result of my irrational jealousy and clinginess, rather than his previous homophobia. About 5 months ago, I couldn’t take the ups and downs anymore, and I knew it was unhealthy for me and unfair to him. I was at my breaking point, so I was basically waiting for an opportunity to end the friendship with him. Not because I didn’t enjoy hanging with him, but because I felt it was driving me insane. So one night I stopped by to pick up something from him (he was now staying at his Mom’s house). We were out front, and I asked him to use the restroom inside because I had to go really bad and he replied, “No sorry”. I was puzzled and thought he was joking at first but he started getting really defensive when I asked again. I kept pushing it and then found out he wouldn’t let me use it because his family was very homophobic, and he had previously told them I’m gay. That, of course, broke my heart that I couldn’t use my best friend’s bathroom, almost like he was ashamed to bring me around his family. Maybe he was just trying to protect me, but either way it made me extremely mad. I stormed off and sent a rant of angry text messages to him and decided to use this as an opportunity to distance myself from him. I basically just told him I don’t think we should hang out for a while.

So we didn’t hang out for about 3 months, and although it was VERY hard, especially the first couple weeks, I managed to survive. Then he started reaching out and calling me more and said he wanted to forget the past and start fresh. I had an inner struggle because I genuinely care about him as a person and really love hanging out with him. The romantic and sexual desires just make it so hard to be around him because I haven’t found a way to get rid of them. I decided to give it another shot though, especially cause I still don’t have many other friends and would often be lonely.

It has been going pretty good so far, but I’m scared my feelings are starting to build back up more and more and I don’t want to repeat this vicious cycle. Has anyone found a good way to squash your feelings and remain friends in a situation like this? I have done my best not to use him as an object of my fantasies anymore. As previously, he would be one of my main fantasies when I would masturbate. I think it might help a little but my feelings aren’t going away completely. I would hate to have to lose him as a friend just because I can’t get over my attraction to him. Good friends are hard to come by, and even harder for me as I’m terrible at making them to begin with (although I am working on this).

By the way he has long suspected I have feelings for him and has confronted me about it multiple times. I of course have firmly denied it for the sake of saving our friendship. Although one drunken night I flat out asked him if I could suck his dick - so he has a pretty good idea lol. Obviously, he still wants to be friends even if he thinks I have feelings for him, although he has made it clear he would never be interested. How would you proceed?

 

[newbored]

Hello.

Well, first of all, maybe you could focus your attention on as many things as possible. You know, work, hobbies, etcetera, etcetera. Second, maybe you could give things some time to see if the infatuation goes away. Maybe as time goes by and you see how uninterested he is and how your friendship develops, the romantic feelings will disappear. It happens most of the time. Just give it time. Third, you could look for a boyfriend or see if there are any guys interested in you. Realizing that there could be available men interested in you would also work wonders in making those feelings for your friend go away.

Good luck.

 

[sixthson]

You both want to be friends, but you both have some issues. It sounds like he has dealt better with his homophobia than you have with your crush on him, however. I suspect when you start dating other guys, this will help with your issue.
Just don't do anything else, drunk or otherwise, to risk your friendship. Be thankful he wants your friendship as much as you want his and respect the boundaries of friendship.

Keep us informed and good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, I agree, you get over him by having a real social life, with real gay men, who will want you to touch them.

You need to stop playing house - and that's what you've been doing, with the impossible. What's stopping you from going out and dating gay men? Plus you need some distance, some other (preferably gay) friends to dilute the amount of attention you're paying him. Straight guys no matter how nice will never understand you, and it's possible that the two of you are in, well I don't know how to define it - I was friends with this one guy (straight) and pretty much was doing what you're doing, hanging out with him all the time, being there for him, he had just moved and didn't know anyone, and we got into this weird pseudo-thing. He knew I was gay, I knew he was out of bounds, but still we got into this really unhealthy dependence on each other. There were jealousy issues both ways, if I went out with a guy he got mad because I wasn't being there for him, if he went out with a girl I got mad because I couldn't have him. Bad situation, ended messy.

Find a bigger GAY peer group. You'll be able to put this in perspective much better when you have real relationship experience to draw upon.

 

[justanothershyguy]

You've got the answer there yourself: he will never be interested. For your own sake, you really need to do your best to throw away the attraction. He can never like you the way you like him. He can't pleasure you like your future boyfriend will be able to. You're just friends, and if you want even that, you have to stop. You absolutely have to.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to go out and start hanging with a gay crowd. Make more friends and you'll realize that he can be an amazing friend to you too.

 

[Durango95]

Dude I have been in this situation a zillion times. There really is not any way to suppress real feelings for someone. If it is infatuation, it is pretty easy to get rid of by moving onto the next infatuation. Only you can judge if what you are feeling is real or imagined.

I will tell you sometimes it is very difficult. I tell you just the one main story about this. My best friend is straight. We have been friends since we were children. I love him more than any other. I had to deal with my feelings concerning him several times. It hasn't ever gone away after 46 years. We have openly discussed it. I have struggled with it in alone and in silence. He is married and has children. He is not gay. He decided a long time ago that he would not "get on his gay" with me because he thought it would destroy our friendship. He did this unilaterally because the decision was his. I actually asked him if we could be friends with benefits. I really tried to talk him into it. I used the "friends do each other favors" line to cajole him into it. I thought I had a shot because his GF at the time hated giving blowjobs and he liked them almost more than sex.

I have been angry, hurt, jealous and disappointed at him because of how I feel. Notice I said how I feel. It wasn't about him. It was about me. I had to deal with my own feelings. It wasn't fair. Life seldom is. My granny used to say something that rings very true here...it doesn't make any difference how much you love someone...you can't make them love you in return. I tried to walk away several times. It hasn't happened yet. I had to make a decision about my friendship with him. I had to figure out how much that meant to me. He means the world to me. I have him the only way I can have him. I have to be comfortable with that forever.

Normally I would say to let it lie. Maybe that is the best policy now as well. Only you can estimate how much he means to you as a friend. If you overstep your boundaries you may lose him forever. If you are already contemplating throwing him over, and you know, not think, the feelings are indisputable, discuss this openly. I mean you have already come out to him and gone through some stuff together. Don't use booze this time. If he is your genuine friend and you are his, the two of you can work this out, if not then no big. Just remember nothing wagered, nothing gained.

On another note, a while back I had a buddy for 10 years. I don't really know what his deal was. He self identified as straight but I don't know for sure. He always told me I was the only guy he ever did anything with. I didn't know if that was true and I didn't care. He always had girlfriends and or wives. He had kids but that doesn't really mean anything. It just means some of his sperm fertilized an egg. You can do that with a turkey baster. We had an arrangement. I got to blow him if I rimmed him. Girls, are not very likely to rim a guy. Guys are not very likely to ask because of the possible backlash. He really got into it. I'm not real big on rimming if for no other reason but for health reasons. He was a total 10 on anyone's scale. It was purely physical. So yes I rimmed him. I mean I didn't even do that for genuine BFs. We weren't really friends. I mean real friends. We palled around together. I met him through another acquaintance. I barely liked him. We did our thing for 10 years. There was no discussion. It just was. He then got married...again and relocated. I never saw him again. I don't lament it. It wasn't a huge deal in my life either. The things we do when we are young and or youngish.

 

[CarriedAway]

Thank you all for the advice. I am trying to find a hobby to get involved with and meet new friends. Unfortunately I'm having trouble finding something I'm really interested in - possibly a side effect of my struggle with depression. I would love to pursue a boyfriend but I feel as if I'm still too emotionally unstable and insecure to get in a relationship at this point. I've been trying to focus on getting myself better first.

TX-beau - I think you described it well as a weird pseudo-relationship type thing. He has even said before that he feels like we are in a relationship. But he is at fault too, as like your friend, he gets jealous if I'm with another friend when he needs me. And since I was so infatuated with him, I would often drop other friends to make sure I'm available to him, so he wouldn't get mad. This also only caused me to lose or distance other friendships.

I guess I will continue hanging out with him, but be cautious with my feelings and try to keep a healthy amount of space.

 

[CarriedAway]

Thanks Durango. Funny - I aslo thought i had a shot at the friends with benefits thing as well. His girlfriend also hates giving blowjobs! But it didn't fly (even when he was pretty drunk) - which is probably for the best as it would likely only increase my unhealthy attachment to him.

I agree that I have to deal with my own feelings, and I've been trying but can't seem to get rid of them. It's difficult because I really care about him and want him in my life, but feel like I'm emotionally torturing myself when I hang with him sometimes.

 

[Durango95]

Thanks Durango. Funny - I aslo thought i had a shot at the friends with benefits thing as well. His girlfriend also hates giving blowjobs! But it didn't fly (even when he was pretty drunk) - which is probably for the best as it would likely only increase my unhealthy attachment to him.

I agree that I have to deal with my own feelings, and I've been trying but can't seem to get rid of them. It's difficult because I really care about him and want him in my life, but feel like I'm emotionally torturing myself when I hang with him sometimes.

You have to be honest with yourself first. You keep saying "care" about him. Are you saying that because you aren't sure or are you saying that because you don't want to vocalize your actual feelings? Ask yourself first, do I love Billy? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself "how" do you love him. The other thing I glean from your statements is that you say you want him in your life. That is not necessarily a bad thing. Humans are pack/tribal in nature.

If you are in love with him, you aren't going to magically not be in love with him. You may always be in love with him. It does get easier to deal with as you get older and get more involved with others. It is up to you how to proceed.

I may also say don't confuse emotional intimacy with emotional intensity. Sometimes, especially when you are in the midst of it, the two can be indistinguishable.

 

[TX-Beau]

Contrary to porn and gay mythology - straight guys really aren't that comfortable with getting head from a guy.

Look, "getting rid," means other guys, that simple. You are not actually in love with him, you are obsessing over him and pouring all your emotions into him because you have no other outlet, because it's safe, and means you don't have to take any real risks.

The internet is perfect for you - use it, you sound like you're in college, isn't there a gay org? If you aren't going to be proactive, you are going to get blindsided when HE moves on, which you will then proceed to mope about for another year or so.

No one wants to see that. It's your life, take control of it. Figure out what you want, make a plan to get there, execute.

 

[Seasoned]

This will up to your ability to see him as a friend as opposed to a boyfriend. Driving yourself crazy isn't a healthy option, so if you're unable to change your thinking you may have to end the friendship.

You'll need to establish some physical and mental boundaries for yourself.