Is there anything to prevent falling in love with your best hetero friend?

[Nice Boy]

Hi there!
This is my first own thread... I´d like to see your opinions, suggestions etc. on whether you think if it is possible to do something to prevent falling in love with your best friend (hetero). Cause 2 years ago, I fell in love with my best hetero-friend whom I liked really very much and then I had to be looking at how it gradually was ruining my relationship with him
He had been my best friend for 5 years and those years were best in my life... Previous year, in sept.2006 it finally ended (but without any formal end - I can´t find the proper term of it in English), but I´m still not feeling good and last 12 months were really horrible for me (in sept.06,when I realized that it was over, I got panic attacks - lasted for 1 week; october, november 06 - a bit severe mood swings; december-february 2007 quite depressed, march - quite good, but at the end of march surprisingly panic attacks again, but no connection with the fact I lost him; april 07 - a bit anxious, may 07 - sept 07 quite depressed)
Since it was quite horrible for me, not to mention poor concentration, headaches and etc, I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!
I´m afraid that if I get close to lets say my classmate at uni and we´ll make best friends, it might gradually end up in love and the same thing will repeat again... (Although I think it won´t be as horrible as first time)
In addition, I´ve never revealed to my best friend that I was gay (though I knew he had nothing against gays and I up to now see it as a big personal failure of mine ) plus I have never revealed my feelings to him, although I guess he surely knew I was in love with him and he tried to scare me off perhaps to make it easier for me... Don´t want to survive this again
ANY ADVISE? Thanx

 

[Caeth]

it's an issue of perspective and discpline. draw a line and don't step over it. realize that he's not "perfect" and that there are others you can be with.

 

[kevin23]

No one can have too many friends, so make as many as possible, just remember no matter how hot, sweet, cute the straight ones are, they will always be straight. They can be good friends but just remember that is all they will ever be. They can not become gay, as you can not become straight. Just enjoy the friendship and don't expect anything else. And yes some of them are real hotties, but they live in different worlds sexually.

 

[G-Lexington]

It seems to be rather automatic on my part. My brain has no problem stamping people "Off Limits". Straight guys and gay guys in LTRs automatically get the stamp. I'm sure a lot of JUBbers would give me grief about this - there sure seem to be a lot of gay guys who believe not only in "all's fair in love and sex" but also in "there's always a way". (Apparently, I would've had a lot more mind-blowing sex if I didn't have such a big hang-up about not taking chances.) But being straght or being in an LTR is an annoucement that they're off-limits, and it's made my life a lot simpler and more pleasant.

You have possibly the best aid there is - experience. You remember what happened last time, and you're determined to not let it happen again. So as you make new friends, keep your boundaries firmly in place. Don't play the "what if" game, or create masturbatory fantasies in which "you help them realize their true nature". If they're straight, keep them in the same category with your brothers - totally off-limits.

Lex

 

[KStarOne]

I always draw the line with sex. Friends are those that we can and do often love on a different plain than those that we are romatically involded with. There have been times when I crossed the line with friends and we expressed our passion for each other which ended the friendship. There have been a couple where we became closer and took the friendship to a new and different level.
As far as 'hetro guys' are concerned, if they want to take the friendship to a higher level, let them suggest it and becareful of how much you are willing to put into the 'Friendship' and DONT confuse it with 'Being a Relationship'.
Just remember when you were in the closet and wanted to try something that people were saying wasn't 'Normal'. It's the same thing they will be experiencing and that in itself is hard to deal with for most of the 'hetro-guys' I've been with.

 

[Spellbound]

I've been friends with this straight guy for two, going on three years, now.

I met him when I first moved to NYC in September 2005. The thing is, when I met him, he, and all my other friends, said he was bisexual. So I thought, "hey, maybe there could be something here."
As we got to know eachother over the next few months we found out we had similar interests in film and music.
In December he got back with his girlfriend of two years (they have since broken up and gotten back together at least 3 or 4 times since.) I was sad at first, but I still remained friends with him.

One night I came out to him. You see, I was on a roll coming out to people whom I cared for. This was my first year in NYC, and I wanted to make the best of the friendships I was developing there. He was the first guy I came out to, all the others being girls. A big step for me.
Around that time he had been saying how he wanted a guy who was in his acting class. But after I came out to him, ALL talk of bisexuality stopped.
A few nights later at a drunken get-together at his apartment he told me that his girlfriend broke up with him. He was very sad and very drunk. But I knew nothing was going to happen, and I'm not one of those people who take advantage of drunk guys.
He ended up hooking up with a girl who was in our group of friends (she was one of those people that take advantage of drunk guys.) Needless to say I was very depressed for some time after that.
Soon after that he cut off all communication with her, and before we all knew it, it was like she never existed. Then he got back with his girlfriend.

Anyway, the end of the school year came and he was wondering if I wanted to get an apartment with him and another mutual friend of ours. Of course I said yes.
This was a mistake.
By this time I had hidden any feelings of lust or love for him deep down in the recesses of my mind. He was like a brother to me now, at least thats what I told myself and others.
Well we lived together for a year and we both went to school together. The whole year I tried desperately to supress my feelings for him. I knew he wasn't right for me, but for some reason I just couldn't get over him. He just has that kind of personality that people gravitate towards.
For a short while I had a crush on a gay guy in my screenwriting class, and I was happy that I had shifted my attention elsewhere. But that crush went away.

Over this past summer I realized that I had a problem. I had to be hanging out with him, and if I wasn't, I was very depressed.
My whole group of friends shot an independent movie that he and I wrote in his hometown in June and he was director and I was his assistant director. We clashed on set repeatedly, and he wouldn't even talk to me off the set. Luckily I had other friends I could have fun with.
This really hurt our friendship, even though he and I have talked about it several times since and we both apologized to eachother.

When we all got back to NYC I wanted to live with him again, but I realized that would be the worst thing for me to do. This was one of my reasons for leaving NYC and moving back home to NJ. The other reasons were financial.

All in all, I'm glad that I'm not going to have to go through the constant angst I went through over the past year.

We're still friends, and maybe my being away from him can help me get over him. But I know when I see him again, those feelings will return.
As I write this I'm getting very sad and anxious, but hopefully I'll get over him once I develop a personal life in NJ.

I don't think he has any idea how I feel about him (NO ONE does actually.)
I would never tell him because I know that would end the friendship for good and I can't let that happen. He has a way of cutting people off once they get 'too close for comfort.' His friendship means alot to me, even though I go through mental hell whenever I think about him.

I just felt like sharing.

 

[pausanias_usa]

I personally think all guys, gay or straight, can tell when someone "has a crush" on them. You can tell a lot by how they treat you when they realize.

Just make sure you don't take it too far; some things can't be taken back.

 

[theblackajah]

Make friends with ugly people.

Simple as that.

I find that it's a very effective tactic.

 

[Shepherd 2]

I believe you already have the lesson about how painful and nonproductive this type of falling in love is. Keep that lesson in mind, and wait until you are in a social situation where you can meet another man who is interested in meeting men. I do not know how that would happen for us, but in a campus town, that possibility exists.

Then permit yourself the luxury of a sense of growing interest that is amorous for someone. Love unrequited is very painful. So why frustrate yourself.
Shep+

 

[rareboy]

The difference is falling in love versus having a crush. There seem to be a lot of young gay guys determined to think they are 'in love' with their straight driends when it is in fact, only a juvenile crush. Who of us hasn't just wished at one point in our lives that the sexiest smartest richest guy wouldn't just wake up and realize that we were the perfect life mate for them?

Now, back to reality. You could have a friend closer than a brother; you could love them more than any other person.........just respect the fact that when they fall in love with a woman, it is because they're wired that way. A lot of stright guys don't mind being admired and flirted with by gay guys; as long as it doesn't go any further than innocent innuendo.

When some gay guys repeatedly crush on their straight friends, it is hard to think that there isn't a defensive mechanism there; it seems to be a way of sometimes avoiding entanglement and commitment to the other gay guys in their life. Like many other appetites, perhaps it is the anticipation and desire that is more compelling than the actual realization.

My advice? If you really love someone, tell them. But don't lay your crush and sexual fantasies at their door. Love them like a brother. Be prepared that they are likely to marry and drift away.

..and find yourself a real nice gay guy to love. It really is as easy as always picking on the straight guys.

 

[strataboy19]

I had a MAJOR crush on a straight friend of mine once...until I realized how unhealthy it was. I eventually started to spend less and less time around him until we don't speak anymore. Sad, but it worked. Can't be attracted to someone if they're not around. Lesson learned. I've grown quite a bit since then.

These days, I have tons of very attractive straight friends, and I'm not attracted to any of them. I think being in the closet for several years, combined with the experience of crushing on my straight friend, has given me the ability to be "turned off" at will with guys I don't expect anything from.

The downside: I haven't come across a guy I "let" myself be attracted to in a long time. Then again, I haven't come across a guy who's worth it.