Is this fair?

[Sammael]

I've come out to my two best friends(they are twins) as bisexual a year ago. I didn't come out to anyone else yet. Their first reaction was somewhat neutral. They said everyone can make their choice freely and everyone's life is their own business. That's great but whenever I tried to talk to them about it, they repeated the same thing. It's like they don't want to talk about it so whenever I open up the conversation, they shut me up by saying something like "it's your life,it's your business". Since I like girls too(I'm mostly into guys though), we still talk about their girlfriends and girls in general which is fine for me but they want me to pretend that I'm straight. They don't want to see my gay side. Is this fair? I think it is fair if both sides in a friendship tell each other what they don't want to talk about but that's not the case. I never like listening to their talks about stupid soccer or their stupid fights with their stupid girlfriends(seriously they're stupid, one of them thinks the stars are really shaped as four corners just like they look like at night) but I never say "that's your life" and shut them up. However if I do that we would end up cutting out many types of conversations and we wouldn't be best friends anymore.

One reason that this has been fine with me for so long is because of the way I came out to them. I told them that I am bisexual and that I like having sex with both females and males. However I didn't tell them that I don't just have sex with guys but I also like them romantically and emotionally. So the reason that they don't want to talk about it may be because they may be thinking that it's just sex so I'll talk about sex. Probably you'll suggest telling them that I like guys romantically and emotinally just like they love girls however I know them well and if I do that they'll still tell me that it's my own life and it's only my business and after that I'm gonna get mad and stay away from them so I may as well stay away from them in the first place in order not to get mad and embarressed.

All thoughts are very much appreciated. Thanks for the replies in advance.

 

[Sammael]

After I came out to them a year ago, I tried to talk about it(mostly on msn) and they didn't want to talk about it. They just said everyone is free to live their life as they like and it's not their business. They're probably even scared that I may bring it up. That's ok but why do I talk to them about things I don't want to talk about if they don't have to talk about things they don't want to talk about? Don't get me wrong, they've never refused to talk about something with me other than this but I've never refused to talk to them about anything ever. I've sometimes listened to their relationships with their girlfriends and offered advice for hours when they asked for it. Not because I liked it(I didn't), rather because they asked for it and I knew they needed it. Now I feel like I don't have to talk shit if they don't have to either.

 

[G-Lexington]

Have you asked them about it? Straight up? "I'd actually like to talk to you about this guy. I know it might make you a bit uncomfortable, but I figure since we're friends, we can talk about anything."

Lex

 

[Sammael]

No I haven't asked like that but there really is a big change in the air when I talk about stuff like that. It's like they get serious and uncomfortable, then they try to make the conversation go away quickly. Then we spend the whole next day as if nothing has happened. Of course this all happened like 10 months ago. I haven't brought it up again.

The thing is I don't want to use the best friends card openly because what would be the point if they're forcing themselves hard to talk about it. I know I force myself to talk about their girlfriends but that's because I know I'm helping them.

By the way a little later I came out to them and they said something like "it's your life and your business", I asked them what if I'm about to leave the house to meet with a guy when we're talking on msn(we were talking on msn), should I lie or tell the truth. They told me that they don't have to know.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>The thing is I don't want to use the best friends card openly because what would be the point if they're forcing themselves hard to talk about it

They may be avoiding it because 1. it's unfamiliar territory and/or 2. they don't know how far this might go. If you sort of push them into it once, they may find that it's not as bad as all that, and if you refrain from discussing things of an outright sexual nature, then they may decide they can handle it after all.

Lex

 

[Sammael]

They may be avoiding it because 1. it's unfamiliar territory and/or 2. they don't know how far this might go. If you sort of push them into it once, they may find that it's not as bad as all that, and if you refrain from discussing things of an outright sexual nature, then they may decide they can handle it after all.

Lex

Damn it. I now realise that I should do what you've said but it's too hard cos it's been so long since we've talked about it

 

[Jerry]

I came out to a really good friend just a couple weeks ago, and since then I've talked to him a little about it. He's doing his best to be cool about it, I know he is.

He said it was just kinda weird for him, and I explained that I didn't have anyone else to talk to. So he said I could talk to him. I didn't get too detailed with him or anything, but he had a really hard time with it. He kept apologizing and saying it was just weird but he loved me and he always would.

So I told him to just forget it and we could move on like I never told him. I think he'll come around, he just needs some time to adjust and stuff. He does tell me about his girls sometimes, but mostly we just talk about other things. I know he loves me and he's there for me, so I'll give him the chance to adjust to this his own way. Its my life afterall, not his. He still supports me, he just doesn't want to know what I'm doing with guys right now, and I can respect that.

Not sure if that helps you, but I thought I'd share incase you could take something from it.

 

[lonnie1]

When I was in the closet, I truly did not know what it meant to be a friend to another gay person where you can say anything you want and they seem to understand it. Now that I have gay friends, I know they do understand it. I truly don't think heterosexual people understand what this means. Your friends are giving you the politically correct response and indeed may not be capable of more than that. They want to support you, but just don't understand how to go about it. The next time they bring up their issues with girlfriends, maybe there will be an opportunity to draw a comparison to a gay situation of yours. Try to help them understand that if you see a beautiful guy walking down the street you get turned on by it the same way they get turned on by seeing a beautiful girl. I think you need to provide them concrete examples so they can see what you mean.

 

[swmjck]

Did you ever try talking to either of them alone, away from the other twin? From everything you're saying it's always you and both of them. Are you ever alone with either one of them? Just a thought.

 

[swmjck]

disregard this

 

[swmjck]

This one too. The computer is acting up Sorry

 

[Sammael]

Did you ever try talking to either of them alone, away from the other twin? From everything you're saying it's always you and both of them. Are you ever alone with either one of them? Just a thought.

Most of the time we're togather all three. I'm alone with one of them only when the other one has something important to do.

 

[jawswho]

It sounds like you guys are young. If they are really your best friends they should listen. People throw around the best friend title to easily. My best friend and I talk about everything and he is straight. He always asks me questions and I always answer them. It was more awkward for me at first than him. Just a thought. You know your situation better than us...

 

[goodbyemountainman]

This happens to me 2 months ago:
I came out to my best friend. In fact, he's the first one know I am gay. I wish I could describe his expression at the time: he was almost in shock and speechless for about 3 minutes. I broke the silence by asking how it felt to know your best friend was gay. He said he's indeed surprised but everything will be cool between us because I'm still his best friend no matter what. Of course, I was relieved.
However, things started going sour. He avoiding me like the plague for the first week. I sent him 2 voicemail, 4 wall-to-wall facebook and 2 private message, and probably about 6 txt, and he "reluctantly" returned my call at the end. I asked what happened, he said he got into a fight with his girlfriend and very exhausted at the moment. As his best friend, I came and lend my shoulders and ears to him. On the way there I thought I was probably exaggerating things. But I could tell his tone has changed. It was very withdrawn, almost like a stranger. I kept telling myself that maybe I worry too much.
But it kept happening afterward. It was almost impossible to have a direct conversation with him, msg and facebook, it likes we live in different continents. Finally I called him and asked for a face-to-face. This is what I told him: "Look, if you are freaked out because I am gay, then it's the best that we shouldn't be friend at all. It's not my fault that I'm a homo, and for a liberal-mind person like you, it's really contradict when you keep running away from me like some sort of disease." He answered that it's not the fact that I'm gay that he has the problem with. It's the fact that he's lost a guy-to-guy friendship. He now has no one to talk about stuff that guys into anymore. He said "Don't you feel it likes a guy and girl friendship which 99% turns out that one of them has feeling for the other." I said" I can guarantee you that I am not letting myself grow a feeling for you. It's complicated enough for us to have this kind of friendship." He seems to doubt it. I went home, realized that since the day I came out, I will not be the same in his eyes. Of course it's not totally his fault. He's making the effort to adjust it, and I'm glad he is. We haven't talk over 2 weeks because I want to give him some time to think over it. I hope things between us will work out.
Like Milboy, I just want to share with you my situation, hope it helps at some point.

 

[954dude]

It's going to take them a while to shed down their walls. You have to take steps with them by showing and explaining to them. It won't happen overnight and if it's continuous, you might want to consider your equation with these friends.