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Is this my problem or his

U

UC3543

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I'll try to make this as brief as possible. We have been going out for 14 months, we don't live together, but he often spends the night - probably 3 or 4 nights a week. I've been taking care of his dog everyday now for 3 or 4 months. We are in our mid 30's and have discussed a future together.

Ok enough of the boring part. Yesterday, we spend the whole day together, we get home about 6 PM, he says he needs to go to the store for some ice cream - but he is gone for about 45 minutes (he does get some ice cream) and the store is about 5 minutes from my place. OK, no big deal, I didn't give it a second thought. Maybe he was taking his time or was looking around in the store.

Then about an hour later, I have to go to the store and get some groceries for the week, so I leave, and get home about 30 minutes later, he is gone, no note, no text - he didn't take the dog with him, but his car is still in the parking lot, and he didnt take his cell phone with him (that is very unusual) - I tried to call him to to see where he was, but I hear his phone ring, so I know he didn't take his cell with him.

About 35-40 minutes later he walks in, and I didnt want to make a big deal about it, so I just asked him "where have you been?" he said he went for a walk - I asked why didn't he take the dog - he said he wanted to be alone and then I say, you didn't take your cell with you - I was starting to get worried. He didn't say much, just said he was going to take a shower he was sweaty. As he is walking out of the room, I just say - next time leave a note or text.

I have not brought the topic up again with him, but my mind has been going over and over this scenerio. Him going for a walk is normal - not telling me isn't a big deal, not taking his cell phone is surprising he takes that thing everywhere, not taking the dog is strange, taking a shower as soon as he gets back in and of itself is nothing, but when I add everything up - I don't know. Adding everything up makes me wonder - did he hook up with someone - seems very unlikely - but that is running through my mind

My brain tell me this is nothing, my heart tell me this is nothing, but my gut tells me something just isn't right. at the very least he should have told me that he was going for a walk or if it was a spur of the moment thing, he should have texted me or left a written note.

I know what your first answer to me will be - talk to him about it, tell him it bothers you.

Any thoughts??
 
My opinion is that there is something you are not detailing in your story that is the real cause of your concern.

Something is causing you to feel out of sorts about what you've described as being very innocent.

What that gut feeling is about, you might want to discuss it with the boyfriend. You don't need to detail the concern here, but it could be helpful to write it down somewhere so you can review to yourself. It might be best to be clear on your feelings before you talk with your partner.
 
FrankLeeMyDear said:
My opinion is that there is something you are not detailing in your story that is the real cause of your concern.

Something is causing you to feel out of sorts about what you've described as being very innocent.

What that gut feeling is about, you might want to discuss it with the boyfriend. You don't need to detail the concern here, but it could be helpful to write it down somewhere so you can review to yourself. It might be best to be clear on your feelings before you talk with your partner.
Click to expand...

That is very interestng. Gives me something to think about - thanks

Not sure if this is it, but I know one thing if I did what he did - he would have been upset and would have made a bigger deal of it than I did. Although at the time and in the moment, I didn't give it much thought - not until I starting thinking about it more
 
Have you all talked about where your relationship is going? Do you discuss what you want out of it? Are you experiencing any uncertainty about the direction, or are you wanting it to progress more or less than he does? Sometimes when we start worrying about where the other one is going, we're really worrying about where the relationship is going.
 
Well, actually your brain and your heart are telling you that he went out for some quickie sex with some guy in the park or somewhere. And you're probably right.

I suspect that if you haven't actually made the decision to live together, he may still feel that he's at liberty to play with others.

If it happens again, kick his ass out the door unless you both agree you're going to have an open relationship.
 
So this happened a few days ago, have you had a chance to talk with the bf? Or decided to let it lie?
 
If you confront him and he's guilty, he's going to lie about it. Then he'll fake being angry that you suggested such a thing, making you get defensive to get the focus off of him and back to you. If you confront him and he's not guilty, he'll be adamant about his innocence but will try to convince you that you and you alone hold the key to his heart (and zipper). He'll be more comforting to you vs. angry. That's just my 2 cents worth. Hope everything works out for you.
 
^ Unless he's a pathological liar and has read this response.

Then he'll get really comforting if he's guilty and angry if he's innocent.
 
>>>I know what your first answer to me will be - talk to him about it, tell him it bothers you.

And you want to skip over that part? Why? Too boring? Too hard?

Lex
 
maybe he was feeling fat for eating the ice cream and decided to up and take a walk to work off the calories. :)
 
I didn't confront him, but we didn't really communicate for three days (which is extremely unusual, but I've learned patience over the years) He finally called me and told me he was really mad at me for Saturday night - as he thought I was purposely ignoring his phone calls. We talked it all out, I told him, I was miffed at his just leaving Sunday night without telling me and that worried me and made my mind think all kinds of things.

Make a long story short - we are closer than ever and are communicating better now.

Thanks for all the responses in this thread
 
so you overreacted when he went on a walk to vent and didn't tell you cause you didn't return his phone calls the night before?

no wonder you got closer, you're the same person.

you guys either have to be better at following up or be better at not obsessing. the former is really odd because one would think you would be good at following up if you're obsessed when the other doesn't.
 
Well, you'd better start communicating better. Ignoring him for three days was childish and absurd.

I suspect you've both driven one big spike through your future together with this event and the way you both handled it. this was about trust and both of you have demonstrated a lack of respect for it.

Next time, I'll bet neither of you will come out of it as well as this time.
 
>>>He finally called me and told me he was really mad at me for Saturday night...

Congratulations. You won.

Lex
 
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