Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

[palbert]

From your posts I believe you to be deeply religous. Can your Faith or Church offer guidance?

 

[palbert]

Can your doctor be of help? Can you afford access to a therapist or do you have access to community mental health facility. Do you have anyone you can talk with?

Your profile does not offer your age or general location. That info would help us.

I've been where you are now -- and with help I've moved beyond it.

 

[palbert]

In the US the doctor must keep everything confidential. If that way there you might speak to him of some appropriate medication.

Does your family not know how you feel, or could they and you don't see it?

Are you so estranged from the church that yoou absolutely cannot get confidential counsel there?

 

[palbert]

Medications also clear your head and promote positive behavior and actions. Sometimes it is necessary to deal with overwhelming symptoms before facing the core problems. Once the symptoms are mediated or controlled you can see a way out of your isolation.

 

[Benvolio]

Problems often seem worst when you are young, in school and living at home, because you are tied down, dependant, and feel trapped. Please believe me that in few years you will be out of school, have a job and be more independent. Things will be much different and better. You are at the best age physically and have your whole life ahead of you. Your life expectancy is another 60 years. The next 3 years or so in school are only a small portion of that , 5%. The present is not the life you are going to lead for most of you life. You are no doubt exaggerating you looks. Almost all gays think they are not good looking enough, but there are guys out there who like your type. I suggest you focus in the future you are going to make for youself. Stay healthy, improve your body at the gym, avoid unsafe sex, study at school and plan a good career. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm glad you posted and explained your issues and frustration. Being isolated day to day and facing family pressure are serious issues. Some of us in the English speaking world and Western Europe tend to forget some of the struggles of the LGBT community in less accepting places.

I'm 66 and from the States. I spent my teen years being scared and alone with a lot of fear and sadness. I even got married to a woman in my 20s and had two children before I got divorced and met my husband. I know where I was and remember my journey. You may be stuck at the moment and not yet in control of your life, but your day will come. Your task now is to find people like yourself or groups or associations that may be able to help. The Internet can make a huge difference.

There's an organization in your country. Look at http://www.hatter.hu/ and see what they can offer. They may be able to help you cope and find some peace of mind.

Please stay in touch with us here and please pm anyone with whom you feel comfortable. Many here care about you and your quality of life.

 

[Benvolio]

It is clear that your parents still believe that being gay is a choice. They think that for some incomprehensible reason, you have chosen to be gay, frustrating their plans for your future happiness and grandchildren. I think you should have serious conversations with them, in which you explain that no one chooses to be gay, and that you did not choose it. But also you cannot choose to be straight, any more than a straight person can choose to be gay. Explain that no one knows why some are gay, but it is not their fault or yours. I would look for printed pamphlets or books explaining this to show them that it is not your choice.
Perhaps you have tried to explain his, but your life will be much less stressfull if they finally become convinved, so keep trying.
Your parents love you and want what is best for you. they just don't understand. Tell them that If they love you, you need for them to believe what you are telling them.

 

[Corny]

I live near Szeged. Moving to Budapest will be a must in 3 years, because only there can I finish my MAster.

Szeged? The place of the huge music festival? That's kinda cool
Maybe you can move to Budapest right now? Did you ever think about doing a Semester abroad, somewhere else in the EU?

 

[palbert]

When I'll have time I will try, but the problem is that I have a bad reputation.....

In what way do you have such a "bad reputation" that it alienates established gay groups? Is there a guilt or shame issue that's also at play here, contributing to your depression?

 

[Corny]

You know that there are programs (like Erasmus) that finance semesters abroad?

 

[Corny]

Oh I should look into it then.

you can start here:

http://ec.europa.eu/education/lifelong-learning-programme/erasmus_en.htm

 

[Ganoderma]

My parents also pretty much keep pushing me towards marriage and women, but I told them that I'm not willing to live a false life. (....). In spite of all that I have very good realtionship with women. I can talk to them and they find me understanding and entertaining, but none of them ever got the impression that I am gay. In fact when I told one of them she refused to believe it and even today she thinks I'm just joking around. (...). Luckily I have more male friends. Somehow I feel more drawn to them. I like to speak with them, I often care about their needs and their lives. Straight guys however can be really grumpy sometimes

hi Adam,

Focus to friends (male and female) who like you as a friend, and who are cool that you are a gay guy. Simply ignore all people who cannot cope with the fact that you are gay (and that there is nothing wrong with being gay). I also tend to advise you not to spend too much time debating / discussing with your parents. You have clearly told and explained how you are thinking about any future marriage with a girl. No way, because you are a gay guy, and you want to live a life as a gay guy (with or without a boyfriend / partner etc.). So try to find some sort of balance with the contact with your parents (and with the rest of your family), and realize yourself that you will soon be a full-grown adult who will make his own choice. So up to them (and not up to you), how they want to cope with the reality that you (=their son) is an open gay guy.

I can imagine myself very well that you can talk very good with girls (female students) as long as they are aware that you are a gay guy. Alot of such girls like to talk with guys, but also with guys without a 'hidden agenda' [sexual attraction]. You don't have this, and that can make that girls like to talk with you, go out with you (etc.).

Hungarian citizens are free to move around in all other EU countries, and are also free to live in any EU country. So you don't need a work permit (or anything like that) when you want to leave Hungary after you have finished your study. Are you really sure that all students at your university are homopobes? I tend to doubt.

My hometown is loaded with 'Erasmus exchange students' (loads and loads of them are from Spain). Besides Erasmus, there are other ways to go abroad as part of your study (eg. carry out a reseach project in another country). Within the Netherlands, it is very common that students do parts of their study in a foreign country.

Why not see if you can spend some time in Germany (eg. during a holiday)? Its a large country, and with a very relaxed attitude towards gay people (Corny [and others] can tell you all the details).

Feel free to react & to ask additional question. I would like to wish you all the best.

 

[Benvolio]

You seem to be saying that you tend to be overweight or even fat. That is easier to correct now than it will be as you grow older, and you will be more attractive if you lose weight. You should not need a drastic diet at your age. Cut down fats and total calories, plus some active exercise should do it. The exercise, weight loss, and improvement in appearance will improve your outlook a lot.

 

[palbert]

Adam - the weight loss, exercise, aand appetite are all positive signs. Keep up the positive attitude.

 

[Benvolio]

I've lost 64 pounds in the past 2 years and my body is allright now. My friends keep telling that I'm near the border of anorexy and that I am one step away from living an unhealthy sport-life. Recently I started to build some muscle instead of losing weight. I also think about signing up for hip-hop class in the near future, because that seems a lot of fun. I also have a boosted appetite in the recent 2-3 weeks. I can't seem to eat enough.

Good, but beware, once you haves been fat the cells are still there and the fat comes back much more easily and quickly than you can imagine.

 

[Benvolio]

Thanks..............

 

[Benvolio]

A little fat won't hurt until you look good. I mean, sure, abs are hot, but manly shoulders, strong arms and sexy waists are more attractive.

True, but your statement. "I can't seem to eat enough" suggests a serious need for caution.

 

[Ganoderma]

Not all of the university students ae homophobes but there are plenty amongst them. I'm not really afraid of people who have the same status as I, but people with authority over me shouldn't know anything. That is for the best. So I prefer to keep up the good old neutral profile when interacting with teachers. I don't make my sexual orientation a secret. if someone directly asks me than I give them the truth, but that is very rare I definitely want to get married one day. But to a guy. I would be even open for children.

hi Adam,

Thanks for your nice and friendly message. I don't hide that I am gay, and its also not a secret that I like guys. In reality, it hardly ever happens that people ask me directly if I am gay. Same like you, and I tend to think that you are following a good strategy.

You are Adam, a student of 20 years old at the university of Szeged, and a Hungarian guy with very good skills in writing English. And I tend to think that you have a quite good idea about things going on in the world (inside Hungary, but also abroad). It seems to me that you are a guy with an outspoken opinion, and people will be aware of that.

Such things are counting and that's how people are looking towards you, and are also judging you (including your teachers and other people with authority over you). Well, and your good friends are aware that you like guys, and you have told them that they don't need to hide to others that you like guys. 'So what' was the answer of Elio di Rupi ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elio_Di_Rupo ), the current Prime Minister of Belgium, when a journalist asked him if he happened to be gay. Same with you. You don't bother what people think about the fact that you are gay, and you also don't hide that you are gay. Does not mean that you walk around with a cap with 'I am gay', and also does not mean that your profile on Facebook indicates that you like 'guys'. Loads and loads of people of around your age also have no information about this topic (interested in ...) on their Facebook profile. But they don't hide that some of their friends happen to be gay guys. Why should they?

So go on with your life, ignore the homophobe students (even don't bother to talk / debate with them), but instead focus on your friends and on straight people around you who don't bother if people are gay, straight or anything in between.

Do all of your fellow students at your classes have the same level of English?

Do you feel better now, after quite a few people over here have given you a variety of advices?

Finally, I have re-read some of your texts about the ideas of your mother. I tend to think that she is brainwashed, and you will be aware that its tough/impossible to debate with people who are brainwashed. I feel very sorry that your mother is brainwashed and has such narrow-minded ideas, but I am afraid that this will not change. So also no need to try to change her opinions. You won't succeed.

So built your own life (and you are already doing this), ending with getting a nice husband, and living together with him.

Good luck and feel free to react (you may also send me a private message). Hey man, your level of English is way better compared to my level of English!

 

[TitaniumSky]

I can't be myself here at home, and I can't be myself at school either. And I'm not sure if this is even the problem!? I would like to meet people, and I won't deny that especially gay guys, maybe someone I can develop something deeper, but there is nobody available in this cesspool of a city.

The bad side that it makes me paranoid and even more reclusive. Sometimes I notice that I have two faces. The one that everybody sees. The one that always smiles. And the other one is the crying one. I am afraid of being touched and involved, yet I long for it so much that my heart breaks when I think about it.

I always feel guilt and I always become paranoid when something more than friendly happens between me and another guy.

Therapy is soo expensive that I'd rather move to Australia and get a therapist there. I can't talk to my family.
I have a few friends. Shallow relationships really. I don't even know if I want to keep them up, but since we meet everyday they sustain themselves.

I don't have a real connection. I don't belong to anyone and no-one belongs to me. I think this is my problem. But I might be wrong.

I am in control most of the time, it is just hard... SOmetimes I look forward to the future and I don't really see it going anywhere. I have big dreams and I really would like to make something good of my life that benefits others as well, but I think I don't remember how to love anymore. And without love my goals are just hollow promises of salvation. Ever since my family knows I'm gay I can't honestly say that I love them. I don't even remember what it feels like. I just know it was better. Most of the time I just push theese doubts behind me and keep going, keep doing what I must, but I rarely ever get a hug or a kiss. Actually in the past 2 years I think I didn't. Thank you for your advices though. I also think that staying focused is the most important, but we all fall sometimes...

Hmmm, I think what you want most is acceptance and what you fear most is rejection. You fear getting too close to people because you feel like there is something wrong with you. You feel like there is something unacceptable about your character.

You're out and your parents don't accept you for who you are and this reinforces your feelings. You have friends who accept you but the friendships are shallow.

You say that you seem to have two faces. So there are still things you hide about your personality that you want people to know about; there must be something else about you that you want your friends to accept.

You strongest desire is to find someone who is very understanding and will accept anything.

In this case, the best advice is to start fresh. It's hard to rectify current relationships or start new relationships in an environment where everyone already knows your false face. You want a new environment where people don't know you are so you can present your true self and be accepted.

For now though, you must wait because you don't have the ability to leave and start fresh. When you leave for your Master's degree you will have your chance to start fresh. Don't mess it up that time!

Don't radically change yourself when you move either. It will be very difficult to do since you will be accustomed to your fake face. Instead find someone now or later who you believe is the most understanding and slowly reveal a little more of yourself, then move and proceed.

It also seems like you have a sound mind but let your emotions take over since you know that a little fat is OK but you feel guilt when you eat a lot. It's hard to follow your own advice when your feelings contradict your mind. It sounds like a therapist would really help at this point.

What you need is consolation; someone to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.

Sorry if my analysis was too far off and assumes too much.