Issues w/parents: they don't understand, make things about themselves

[MrMojoRisin]

Although I was never formally diagnosed, I've had issues with depression and anxiety for a while. It got at its worst when I was a senior in high school. I tried talking to my parents about it, but they just said that I have no reason to feel unhappy. They said I have everything someone my age would want and I had an easy life, so what did I have to be depressed about? Since they didn't understand, I went to my guidance counselor at school and she called my parents after our talk. The next morning, my parents reprimanded me for talking to her. They said they didn't want me making them look like bad parents and to stop talking to her.

I've gotten better since then and my relationship with my parents improved as a result. I did have a tough year in 2012, but things started looking up last year. I would say I'm doing very well now. But I still live at home with my parents, because I just graduated college and have yet to find a job. And certain things still happen that triggers my issues with my parents.

My mother made some comment recently that hurt my feelings. I told her about it and she apologized and told me to tell her if it ever happened again. So, I sent her an e-mail the other day about things that were bothering me. I told her about how I feel I'm not allowed to ever be in a bad mood at home and that I shouldn't be chastised for being angry sometimes, especially with my anxiety/depression issues. I feel there should be more understanding when I'm having a bad day, as I'm not a mean person and don't lash out at people.

She responded by saying, "You're entitled to think whatever you want about me. I don't have anything else to say." It really hurt me, because I proofread my letter over and over for about an hour. I tried really hard to make sure that it was mature, eloquent, and not disrespectful or insulting to her in any way. It reminded me of my experience with my guidance counselor when I reached out and my parents made the situation all about themselves. I felt like my feelings were pushed aside as insignificant. I feel like they completely miss the point.

I guess I need to just accept that they're not the people to talk to about these things. I'm opening up to you guys, because I need to hear from people who will understand. Can anyone else relate?

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry, that doesn't sound like your parents are monsters, it sounds like they're like everyone else's parents.

You are responsible for your own life, welcome to being an adult. If you don't like how your parents treat you, leave. Hordes of gay men have left toxic homes, most of them without the benefit of college degrees.

Perspective, how serious are your issues with them really?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Parenting doesn't come with an instruction booklet, and our parents were taught by their parents. They're also very human with their own insecurities and anxiety. Being responsible for a new life and hoping you did it right is very stressful. Unfortunately the last thing your mom wants to hear at this stage of the game was that she somehow screwed you up.

 

[MrMojoRisin]

Sorry, that doesn't sound like your parents are monsters, it sounds like they're like everyone else's parents.

You are responsible for your own life, welcome to being an adult. If you don't like how your parents treat you, leave. Hordes of gay men have left toxic homes, most of them without the benefit of college degrees.

Perspective, how serious are your issues with them really?

Not that serious. I don't think they're monsters. They're not bad parents at all. But I am hurt that they make situations about themselves when it's not. They don't validate my feelings, because it's all about them in their mind. Sometimes I just wish they would stop thinking about what I'm saying about them and focus on how I feel. Because, the truth is, I have no bad feelings towards my parents. I love them. They're great. But this still bothers me, because I can't go to them with anything.

I am also well aware that I'm responsible for my own life. I'm applying for jobs and trying to make money so I can move out. Unfortunately, anxiety/depression doesn't care how old you are or if you have a college degree. I am doing well now, but I still get bothered from time to time. And that is okay.

 

[sixthson]

You sound like a sensitive person, maybe even overly sensitive. Sensitive people get hurt feelings very easily and tend to dwell too much on their feelings. My concern is when you get out in the world and find that others can be much harsher than your parents.
You have to be strong in this world. Learn to let things roll off your back and develop a thick skin. You can do it, Mr. Mojo.

 

[KaraBulut]

You are responsible for your own life, welcome to being an adult.

...t I am hurt that they make situations about themselves when it's not. They don't validate my feelings, because it's all about them in their mind...

I am also well aware that I'm responsible for my own life. I'm applying for jobs and trying to make money so I can move out. Unfortunately, anxiety/depression doesn't care how old you are or if you have a college degree. I am doing well now, but I still get bothered from time to time. And that is okay.

To be frank, the issue is not that your parents make everything about themselves. The issue is that both you and your parents are relating to each other in the same way that you did when you were a child. You're all adults and it's time that you took steps to have an adult relationship.

When you are suffering from depression at age 17 and you don't get treatment, that is on your parents. When you're in your twenties and you're not getting treatment, that's on you.

Since you're under 26 years old and unemployed, you're probably still on your parents insurance. Effective on 1-Jan-2014, insurance plans are required to provide mental health benefits. Since you have available time at the moment, this would be a good time to work on yourself. That means working on your depression. That means getting into therapy and working on your own issues.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult with your parents. While I haven't been in your exact situation, I've had issues with my parents over the years, so I'll share with you what I've learned.

For your parents to say that you have everything and have had an easy life and for them to wonder how you could be depressed shows that they do not understand depression. I would share some resources with them to help them better understand depression. Not to beat a dead horse, but Robin Williams had a lot of things and had what many would consider a great life and he still battled severe depression. Depression isn't rational.

While you should try and educate your parents on depression, you also need to learn to accept that your parents are going to be how they are and they won't change overnight, if ever. You have to accept that they might not be the most supportive people. It doesn't mean they don't love you, but they may show it in a way that doesn't always meet your need to feel validated. They may never be that way. It's just how some people are.

I do think getting some therapy would be a great thing for you. It will help you get a different perspective. Oftentimes when we put a lot of effort into something, like a letter, it isn't always received the way we would like. Be aware that others may not realize all the effort you put into writing that letter and will probably react more to the content. When it comes to your parents if a letter doesn't get the reaction you'd like, don't take it personally. It has more to do with them and how they are as people.

I hope this has helped and good luck with the job search. I know it can be tough out there.

 

[Seasoned]

Therapy is one answer since the only person we can control is ourselves.

It sounds like you've always been close with your parents, but more in the physical rather than the emotional sense. You'd like to have that from them, but they are unable or unwilling to provide that.

My guess is that they thought/think that providing for you and not being mean was enough. Many, maybe even most, people do not deal with feelings. In addition, depression is a medical condition and needs to be treated. Even if they continue to be in denial, you don't have to be.

Sometimes we learn what to do from our parents and sometimes what not to do. Try to make sure the rest of your close personal relationships give you what you need. Continue pushing the envelope with your parents. If they are ever willing to confront their fears they will be equipped to give you more of what you'd like or need. In the meantime get whatever support you can even if they don't like it. Depression isn't something to screw with or ignore.

 

[MrMojoRisin]

You sound like a sensitive person, maybe even overly sensitive. Sensitive people get hurt feelings very easily and tend to dwell too much on their feelings. My concern is when you get out in the world and find that others can be much harsher than your parents.
You have to be strong in this world. Learn to let things roll off your back and develop a thick skin. You can do it, Mr. Mojo.

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult with your parents. While I haven't been in your exact situation, I've had issues with my parents over the years, so I'll share with you what I've learned.

For your parents to say that you have everything and have had an easy life and for them to wonder how you could be depressed shows that they do not understand depression. I would share some resources with them to help them better understand depression. Not to beat a dead horse, but Robin Williams had a lot of things and had what many would consider a great life and he still battled severe depression. Depression isn't rational.

While you should try and educate your parents on depression, you also need to learn to accept that your parents are going to be how they are and they won't change overnight, if ever. You have to accept that they might not be the most supportive people. It doesn't mean they don't love you, but they may show it in a way that doesn't always meet your need to feel validated. They may never be that way. It's just how some people are.

I do think getting some therapy would be a great thing for you. It will help you get a different perspective. Oftentimes when we put a lot of effort into something, like a letter, it isn't always received the way we would like. Be aware that others may not realize all the effort you put into writing that letter and will probably react more to the content. When it comes to your parents if a letter doesn't get the reaction you'd like, don't take it personally. It has more to do with them and how they are as people.

I hope this has helped and good luck with the job search. I know it can be tough out there.

Therapy is one answer since the only person we can control is ourselves.

It sounds like you've always been close with your parents, but more in the physical rather than the emotional sense. You'd like to have that from them, but they are unable or unwilling to provide that.

My guess is that they thought/think that providing for you and not being mean was enough. Many, maybe even most, people do not deal with feelings. In addition, depression is a medical condition and needs to be treated. Even if they continue to be in denial, you don't have to be.

Sometimes we learn what to do from our parents and sometimes what not to do. Try to make sure the rest of your close personal relationships give you what you need. Continue pushing the envelope with your parents. If they are ever willing to confront their fears they will be equipped to give you more of what you'd like or need. In the meantime get whatever support you can even if they don't like it. Depression isn't something to screw with or ignore.

Thanks a lot guys! It really means a lot to me. I appreciate the support.

 

[DaggyG]

Hey MrMojo,

I hope that you are starting to feel a bit better for having let some of this out. altlover85 and Seasoned are so very right. Depression is medical and a lot of people don't really understand that.

While I can't tell you how to fix the situation with your parents, I can tell you that my parents blamed themselves for my depression and thought for a long time that it was a reflection on them. At times, they were angry or dismissive of my low moods too.

It took me way too long to do it, but one day I sat with them and we had a very open and honest discussion. I told them all about the chemical imbalance that is often associated with depression. They did have a prior understanding that depression is a physical thing, but didn't really know the ins and outs. So, through the discussion, I was able to let them know that my mood swings, bad days or low periods were a consequence of the chemical/biological change within my physical being. They were not what caused the depression.

The biggest and most important thing that I told them was that none of my depression is their fault and that I do not blame them for anything. In fact, I think they have been fantastic parents. For one reason and one reason only. Everything that they have done in raising my brother and myself is based on what they believed to be the right thing to do at the time. What else can you ask?

I'd say find a time to sit with your parents and let them know about the medical facts about depression in a way that maybe hasn't been expressed to them before. You certainly don't sound like you blame them or think that they caused your depression. It helps to let them know that. Very clearly and in a matter-of-fact way.

I hope something in this helps in some small way.

Oh, and always remember, take the time to recognise your own strength when you display it. That's really helpful in being able to manage your depression.

Good luck.

 

[MrMojoRisin]

Hey MrMojo,

I hope that you are starting to feel a bit better for having let some of this out. altlover85 and Seasoned are so very right. Depression is medical and a lot of people don't really understand that.

While I can't tell you how to fix the situation with your parents, I can tell you that my parents blamed themselves for my depression and thought for a long time that it was a reflection on them. At times, they were angry or dismissive of my low moods too.

It took me way too long to do it, but one day I sat with them and we had a very open and honest discussion. I told them all about the chemical imbalance that is often associated with depression. They did have a prior understanding that depression is a physical thing, but didn't really know the ins and outs. So, through the discussion, I was able to let them know that my mood swings, bad days or low periods were a consequence of the chemical/biological change within my physical being. They were not what caused the depression.

The biggest and most important thing that I told them was that none of my depression is their fault and that I do not blame them for anything. In fact, I think they have been fantastic parents. For one reason and one reason only. Everything that they have done in raising my brother and myself is based on what they believed to be the right thing to do at the time. What else can you ask?

I'd say find a time to sit with your parents and let them know about the medical facts about depression in a way that maybe hasn't been expressed to them before. You certainly don't sound like you blame them or think that they caused your depression. It helps to let them know that. Very clearly and in a matter-of-fact way.

I hope something in this helps in some small way.

Oh, and always remember, take the time to recognise your own strength when you display it. That's really helpful in being able to manage your depression.

Good luck.

Thank you! I'm glad you were able to open up to your parents. Hopefully, your relationship improved as a result.