It's been a long time since I've been here...

[Pyscean]

Just to start. I just ended a 15 year relationship/marriage about a month ago to an amazing man. No worries. It ended well and we're still the best of friends. As time went on, it just became inevitable that life was taking us in different directions.

But...rewind back to March 2009. I was hanging out with a group of friends and one particular friend was there that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. Needless to say, we got to talking and really hit it off (again). One thing led to another and we started hanging out with each platonically. My current partner at the time knows him and knew about us hanging out and really didn't have an issue with it.

Fast forward to November of last year. It dawned on both of us that we were indeed starting to develop feelings for one another. But..I was still in a relationship at the time and I was not going to have some potential tryst be an excuse to sabotage what was left of my relationship. The guy I'd gained an interest in knew this and respected that so we left things as just being friends.

Well...once things were said and done with my most recent relationship I actually waited a couple of weeks to talk to the guy that I've developed feelings for. Before I could tell him that my partner and I had split, he offered up the fact that he had actually developed a fledgling relationship with another common acquaintance of ours. He said that he wanted me to know this upfront and that he understood my situation. I told him that it was great that he's found someone he's interested in and was free to love him back (I didn't tell him about my relationship dissolving).

I told him that I'd clear the path for him and "X" to get to know each other better. This meant letting him initiate contact to hang out or whatever. He told me that he didn't plan to change anything when it came to his friends especially at this stage in his new relationship and I told him that it's his choice.

So...my dilemma... I'm feeling "it" really bad for this guy and want to get to "know" him..but I don't want to be "that guy" that only thinks of himself in these situations. I haven't shared with him that I'm now single because I feel like this would just be baiting him. Still, I'm having trouble navigating all these feelings in terms of wanting to be with him but just being fresh out of a relationship.

Sorry to ramble...but any thoughts or similar experiences??

Thanks!

 

[KaraBulut]

Tell him your relationship has ended. Any real friend would want to know this.

It's good that you have someone that you are interested in, however you just came out of a 15 year relationship. This might be a good time to focus on you.

Be single. Date. Renew friendships. Do things that you want to do.

If your friend becomes available again, then have a discussion about dating.

But don't rush into anything serious. Enjoy your life for a while.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, he didn't fuck with your relationships, don't fuck with his. If he really wants you, his won't last anyway.

Plus - once again - I agree with Kara. No matter how amicably you got out of your last relationship, it's probably not a good idea to jump right into another one. Give yourself some emotional cooling down time.

If you're the marrying type, you'll get bored with the single life after awhile anyway, but will have worked your rebound issues out with guys who won't get too involved.

 

[Pyscean]

Sorry for the late response. Just getting home from work.

Kara...my concern with telling him about the end of my most recent relationship is that it may "muddy the water" with what he's working on with "X". As for the being single and dating thing, I can do it but in all honesty I'm just not that good at it. I'm a serial monogamist which tends make open dating a little difficult.

TXB...as for "fucking" with his relationships, that's why I'm hesitant to tell him about my recent break-up. I'm trying to figure out the best way that he can know that my relationship status has changed without me putting it out there.

As for the emotional cooling down period, I understand what your saying. Right now...it's just hard to think clearly about how I need to approach all of this. It's a lot to take in all at once.

 

[DonSade]

.... I think you putting it as casually as possible could do the trick. If you make a big deal out of it, he'll probably think otherwise about your joint decision to split.

You sound like you're too focused on him and how he'd feel about all this. If somehow his relationship with X is screwed up because of the news then I guess it wasn't as strong as one would've hoped for and then, it wouldn't be your fault otherwise whether it was because of the news or not. I think there's no delicate way to put this. It's a fact that you shouldn't keep a secret and... to be completely honest, it shouldn't be a big deal if this guy is also your friend!

Suggestion: Tell him you guys broke up and you're focusing on yourself for the moment.

1- You're letting him know what happened.

2- You're blocking his belief in you doing it for him.

3- You're opening up his role in your life as a friend since you're trusting him with all this.

I think that's as safe as you can go in your current situation.

 

[KaraBulut]

Kara...my concern with telling him about the end of my most recent relationship is that it may "muddy the water" with what he's working on with "X".

Well, if it does... isn't that an indication that the two of you are meant to be?

Even if it doesn't, it's an important change in your life- same as changing jobs, death of a family member or a serious ilness. Friends should be sharing these things with each other- it's what friends are for.

As for the being single and dating thing, I can do it but in all honesty I'm just not that good at it. I'm a serial monogamist which tends make open dating a little difficult.

Then you're dating for the wrong reason.

The connection you made between "monogamist" and "dating" indicates that you are associating sex, relationships and dating.

Dating is like a job interview. You shouldn't be hiring everyone you interview.

The point of dating is to have fun and get to know someone. Part of the reason that so many people complain about unsuccessful dating is they go in with unreasonable expectations.

In dating, if the person is nice but there's no chemistry, then they become a friend.

If they're a complete asshole, then you bid them goodnight and hope to God you never have to see them again.

If they're nice and there's chemistry, then you start thinking about monogamy and relationships and hotsweatybuttsex.

 

[Pyscean]

Morning...

Well...he and I are planning on meeting for dinner just to catch up. I haven't seen him since the beginning of January so it'll be nice.

I'll let him know about my situation and basically tell him that I'm just going to take a timeout just to focus on me for a while..and whatever that may entail.

As for the dating thing, I guess I should explain myself more. I'm only 35 so if you do math with me having been in a 15 year relationship that tells you how little experience I have in dating. Before I met my previous partner, I was always pretty discerning and always has "relatively" long dating experience of a singular nature. I ALWAYS clicked with that person on an intimate enough level that we ended up dating exclusively rather quickly. So..before my last partner, there had only be two other guys that I dated. On both occasions, we split for reasons of re-location.

Needless to say, I'm anticipating a challenge in dating in this day and age. Oh well...let's get it rolling :0)