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It's Complicated

M

mcdaddy

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Hey guys,
Ok, so...yeah. It's kinda complicated.
I was dating this guy at the end of last year and things were great. He was awesome and we got along really well and everything was swell. Unfortunately, he graduated and moved back with his folks in NJ. After it became apparent that he wasn't going to be able to actually see me...nearly ever...we decided to break it off. This we was mostly my idea. It really bothered me to have a boyfriend I never saw. So anyway, we are still really good friends and frankly would still be dating if it weren't for that whole several states in the way thing.
Anyway, so after that happened, I got online and found a guy that I had actually met earlier at my college, but hadn't known he was in the market. We've been talking lately. A lot. Like everyday. And I really like him. He's cute, funny, smart, nerdy...all that good stuff. I am really looking forward to actually going on dates with him as opposed to just chatting on the phone once we get back to school.
Ok, so here's the catch. My ex is now applying for a job that would put him basically at my school. The whole thing could be avoided if he just doesn't get the job, but on the off chance that he does...this complicates things somewhat. Do I drop the new guy and continue dating my ex? I still really like my ex a lot and distance was the only reason I stopped... On the other hand, this new guy seems really awesome, too. I'd hate to miss that opportunity.
Oh, also adding to the complications...I haven't exactly told my ex I've been talking to some new guy. I guess I shouldn't be so secretive, but one of the reasons he said he was pretty bummed about breaking up was that he thought I'd definitely find someone new in college and that he wouldn't, since he lives in some nothing town in New Jersey. He's a total catch, so I guess the only reason he'd be concerned about that is because he's in a sparsely gay populated place, whereas I am in a college with a large gay population.
So yeah. Thoughts?
 
well how things will work out depending on the timing. If you ex applies for this job and gets it...when will he be around your college? If it was me. I would hold your ex off even if he does get the job. You're young so dating back and forth is normal. I would give this new guy a try, you never know he might be better matched for you than your ex. If it doesn't work out then I guess you can always reconcile with your ex. I mean, what are you leaning forward right now? Don't think about it, just go with your instinct. Which of the options appeal to you the most?

1) finding out more about this new guy
or
2) getting back with your ex if he does get this job.
 
Let your heart lead you.

The fact that you're asking the question indicates you want to possibly pursue something with this new guy.

Don't re-start with the ex just because you think it is an obligation.

Re-start with him because you think your life is incomplete without him.
 
Don't plan your life around "what ifs".

If he gets the job, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. For now, move on with your life.
 
Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to try dating the new guy. I don't think I wanted to date my ex because of an obligation, but more because it was comfortable. I know my ex and I clicked...I only know this new guy and I have nice conversations on the phone. Who knows? Maybe we won't have any chemistry at all in person. Argh. This relationship stuff is for the birds.
Additionally, what do people mean when they say "follow your heart." How do you know what the hell that bastard is saying?
 
Oh, I think you know when your heart is leading your head.

In this case, it is telling you that you should take a chance and connect with someone new. As you note, when you do, there may or may not be chemistry.

Maybe it is your gut that is talking but heart is more romantic.
 
What's been said here makes sense, but...

If I were the new guy, and you told me after a couple months of dating that your ex-bf was moving into town (and this whole story), I'd be pretty pissed.

Maybe one detail needs to be explained. Is your ex-bf applying for a job in your town specifically so you can get back together? Is he applying anywhere else? What are his thoughts? And why have you kept this secret from him if you've broken up?

We need more details.
 
Lube asked for more details, so let me see if I can clarify things a bit:
No, my ex is not applying for a job near my school to get to be near me. He actually would really prefer to be working in a big city somewhere on something sciency, but he figured since times were tough and he couldn't get a job where he wanted, he may think about getting a job near where all his friends still are, at my school. He is definitely applying lots of other places and this one is not very high on his list, as it's also kind of a shitty job.

On the secret part...I'm trying to be sensitive. When we broke up, one of the things that was frustrating for him was that he thought that I'd be able to get a new bf quickly, while he would have more difficulty as he lives in the middle of nowhere and I'm in college. That, and since there isn't really anything yet going on...just a lot of talking on the phone...I thought I'd wait on telling him I found someone else. What do you think? Should I tell him now or should I wait until the new guy and I are more serious?

Additionally, I should mention that the new guy knows some of this story already. He knows I was dating a guy that graduated and he knows that that's the reason we broke up. He knows that I'm still on really good terms with that guy and he even knows that my ex will be coming to visit soon. He didn't seem to care. I mean, technically his ex gf still goes to our school.

By the way, anyone have an experience dating a bi guy? I don't think it'll be any different, but I'm just curious what you guys think.
 
OK, thanks for the details. It sounds like your old bf isn't necessarily trying to get back together--which seems odd, since you were the one who broke things off, and only because you weren't in the same town. I find that very confusing. Why isn't he more interested in getting back together???

And the new guy knows this history and is unconcerned? That's a good thing.

Well, then, maybe it's not very complicated at all. Just mention the new guy to the old guy. Why are you so afraid? Something isn't really adding up here.

And then there's the bi issue. Oh, my. I'm surprised you haven't gotten more replies on that, yet. Wars are fought on JUB on this issue.

Personally, I've never dated a bi guy (my bf and I were both married to women, but now we know we're gay; we don't consider ourselves bi in any way), and I don't think I ever would. But that's just me. Others have different, valid viewpoints.
 
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