I've been outed

[Princecameronxiv]

I've never cried so hard in my life, not even when my dad died. I'm not sure if i deserve this, I probably do. I'm not sure if i brought all this on myself, or if i was really truly wronged. People always say that karma will come back to get you but i never thought so bad so soon. I am a 21 year old college senior. I cheer at my university, I'm extremely involved on campus, I'm greek, stay on top of my studies and now among other things i've just been outed.

It first started when my roommate blake came out to me and started dating a guy, his name is nathan. months later i felt comfortable enough to tell them that i liked guys too. I was so relieved to be able to have someone i could ask questions, someone to listen to my thoughts and make me feel like i'm NOT the only one. Around the 5 month mark of their relationship my roommates boyfriend nathan would come to me for advice with their problems. He would tell me he wanted to end it, that he didn't love blake. that he wanted to meet new guys. I would ALWAYS persist that things would get better relationships take work blah blah blah and that i would never tell my roommate that blake he felt that way because i believed it would all work out in the end. Well one night we all went out, got plastered and my roommates boyfriend nathan made a move on me. I did not go along with it, honestly i was scared shitless. but he insisted. nathan is HOT and it took all of my power not to make a move on him, by the end of the night alcohol and physical attraction made it too hard. We ended up that very night in bed together, no sex, just oral and a lot of making out. I felt horrible. horrible didn't even begin to describe how i felt, but it didn't stop me from doing it again and again until finally my very first time having sex with a guy. it was amazing. less than a week later my roommate blake found out and approached nathan and i, and we admitted to it. he was furious vowed to hate me forever. when his boyfriend told him it was mainly his fault they ended up getting back together and everyone made amends. i began dating girls again regularly. just recently nathan's best friend called me and asked why i had been spreading lies to blake saying nathan was cheating. i was completely caught off guard because i hadn't spoken to any of them in almost 2 weeks. i went straight to the source and asked my roommate why he would make that up. He told me he didn’t make it up, someone told him that I was aware Nathan was still cheating and I knew and wasn’t telling. WHICH ISNT TRUE. I explained to him that I HONESTLY didn’t know what was going on and hadn’t even “thought” about them for weeks considering we never see each other.

around the same time i told the girl i was dating that i didn't want to date her anymore, I never connected in my head that SHE was the one telling blake lies, but when I did I asked her. well she immediately went into crazy ex girlfriend mode because she really had been the one making up the stuff Somehow she found out about my dirty little secret, created a note online giving them all the details of the affair and sent it to ALL of my closest friends, my fraternity brothers, my squad, everyone. If there was ever a way to crush a persons soul this would be it.

Like i said before, i've never cried so hard and long in my entire life. I think it's just karma, like i deserve it. its what i get for sleeping with nathan. I can't believe someone would go to such lengths to destroy my reputation, because I didn’t want to date her anymore. How can just one person erase all i've worked so hard to build in these 3 years @ the university. I don’t think she realizes whether anyone will admit it or not but you DO NOT receive equal opportunities in life if you’re gay, people will NOT treat you the same, and everything doesn’t just go back to normal.

If I’ve learned anything in all of this I’ve learned that some people in this world can be so disgusting, but the sad part is I can’t tell if I’m one of those people or not. I slept with my roommates boyfriend, i was wrong, but I never LIED about who I was. I just wish I could make it clear to everyone that I was never pretending to be someone i am not, just not being all of who I thought it was safe to be.

 

[FrankLeeMyDear]

Give yourself a break. I know it's painful because you are not in control when you are outed by someone else.

If you were my friend and your ex-girlfriend out you to me, I would think worse things about her than I would about you. She is coming across in a bad light to those she told about you.

You can't change what's occurred. But you don't need to feel ashamed about your sexuality. Life will feel better to you in a short period of time.

Give yourself time to heal and know that you did nothing wrong.

Take care.

 

[BlueLantern]

First: She is the worst kind of bitch.

Second: I hope that you manage to go through and come out of it stronger.

 

[Sinister Dexter]

I'm going to try to give my opinion and my advice, I hope it doesn't offend. I'm assuming that you came here for honest advice.

By regularly dating girls after you knew you were gay, I think that you were indeed "pretending to be someone [you were] not." Even if you are bisexual, not making that clear to someone with which you had a relationship is dishonest and not really fair. That doesn't excuse your ex-girlfriend's actions, but it does reveal how this abrupt outing could become a good thing in your life.

You were obviously afraid of being outed, but hiding your sexuality doesn't make the problem going away. In effect, your ex-girlfriend has forced your hand, requiring you to confront the issue immediately. It will be very hard, but if the other option was hiding your true self from the rest of your friends forever, I think it will be easier. Trying to stay closeted easily becomes a life-consuming activity. It becomes something that you think about whenever you walk or buy clothing, when you choose the words you say, everything. Now people know. It's not fair, and I'm sure it's not how you wanted it to happen, but you are now free from the stressful upkeep of the closeted charade, which is a refreshing change I expect you will start feeling and appreciating once the initial hurt wears off.

Although what your ex-girlfriend did was very heartless and wrong, it does not "erase all [you]'ve worked so hard to build in these 3 years." It may test who your real friends are (obviously she is not one of them), but the non-reaction I expect you will receive from the vast majority of your friends will make the stress of staying closeted seem silly. Not everyone will treat you the same, and not everyone will offer you the same opportunities, that's true. But if your plan to retain those opportunities had involved a neverending concealment of your true self, I think you are far far better off with the honest reality you have to deal with now.

 

[btiger]

I'm going to try to give my opinion and my advice, I hope it doesn't offend. I'm assuming that you came here for honest advice.

By regularly dating girls after you knew you were gay, I think that you were indeed "pretending to be someone [you were] not." Even if you are bisexual, not making that clear to someone with which you had a relationship is dishonest and not really fair. That doesn't excuse your ex-girlfriend's actions, but it does reveal how this abrupt outing could become a good thing in your life.

You were obviously afraid of being outed, but hiding your sexuality doesn't make the problem going away. In effect, your ex-girlfriend has forced your hand, requiring you to confront the issue immediately. It will be very hard, but if the other option was hiding your true self from the rest of your friends forever, I think it will be easier. Trying to stay closeted easily becomes a life-consuming activity. It becomes something that you think about whenever you walk or buy clothing, when you choose the words you say, everything. Now people know. It's not fair, and I'm sure it's not how you wanted it to happen, but you are now free from the stressful upkeep of the closeted charade, which is a refreshing change I expect you will start feeling and appreciating once the initial hurt wears off.

Although what your ex-girlfriend did was very heartless and wrong, it does not "erase all [you]'ve worked so hard to build in these 3 years." It may test who your real friends are (obviously she is not one of them), but the non-reaction I expect you will receive from the vast majority of your friends will make the stress of staying closeted seem silly. Not everyone will treat you the same, and not everyone will offer you the same opportunities, that's true. But if your plan to retain those opportunities had involved a neverending concealment of your true self, I think you are far far better off with the honest reality you have to deal with now.

I agree. I'm still in the closet and dating someone who is closet bi and not sure if he wants a gay relationship. I am going back to grad school in August and plan to start fresh, come out, and finally be me. As Sinister said, it's so hard to keep up the closet charade. I agree that once the hurt begins to subside, it will get better and you will feel better about yourself. I have my reasons for being in the closet at the present time, but look forward to moving when I can finally be myself. I hope it will be the same for you.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Sorry to hear about all your troubles. I'm mainly gonna focus on what I think YOUR missteps were, because it doesn't do much good to talk about the bad/wrong things anybody else did.

Your biggest mistake, obviously, was sleeping with Nathan. And (speaking personally here) let's not go down the "no sex just oral" road. Because, come on. If you found out your boyfriend had been seeing somebody else, but it was "just oral", would that REALLY make you feel any better? And it doesn't matter how hot or insistent Nathan was. You made a choice to get intimate with him. A choice that can - and did - have major major repercussions. It doesn't matter that this was Nathan's idea. What matters is that you signed on.

Secondly, let go of the hate you've got for your girlfriend. I know - she makes a very convenient target right now, but sorry, I don't think she's the "worst kind of bitch". Think about it. It ends up that the guy she was dating was sleeping with somebody else. And not just somebody else - another guy. His roommate's boyfriend, in fact. That's a lot for somebody to take in, and the fact that she lashed out wasn't surprising. I certainly don't condone her actions, but at the same time, I understand why she did it.

And right now, it may look like everything you built was washed away. But everything that has been washed away has done so because you built it on sand. If you build on lies, or deception, or incomplete truths, once the truth is known, everything comes tumbling down.

So now your secret is out. You're bisexual. Fine - take advantage of it. Own it. If people ask "Is it true what they say?", say "Yeah - I fooled around with Blake's boyfriend. That was really stupid of me." Don't drag your ex-girlfriend into it at all. Blaming her for the revelation or the gossip won't make you look any better, and won't make her look any worse.

Just keep on living as Cameron, bisexual. Because once the secret's out, it can be pretty liberating. You don't have to worry about people finding out once everybody knows. That's the whole reason for coming out - to get past the lies and half-truths and pronoun games and refraining-from-mentioning. It's 2009. Most Greeks don't kick out gays. Most college students are well-aware that gays (and bis) can cheer for the home team and get good grades and be athletic and whatever else. Chances are, you're not in as bad a spot as you might fear.

Let us know if we can answer anything else for you. Buck up, damnit.

Lex

 

[hotb0d]

I'm gonna be mean and say: that's what you get for being in Greek. They're all so gossipy and mean.

Anyways....lol

I know this is hard for you but there's still a way for you to make everything right again. Just sit down and write a letter to all the people that received that letter from your ex-girlfriend. Explain your position and what really happened. In my optimistic way, this could be your golden opportunity to come out and finally live the life you wanted. And also, this will allow you to see who your real friends are. After explaining everything, the real friends will stay with you through thick and thin.

Good luck with everything.

 

[Smitho]

I think she has done you a favour. You did lie about who you were, you dated a girl to hide the fact you are gay, I would be pissed off if I was her, now she has told your friends, and you can find out who your real friends are, when the shit hits the fan. I would write to them and tell them it true, and see how people react. Some will be really positve and you will discover a new level friends, and some will be negative, and you can let them go their way. But at least it all in the open.

Ok, the timing was not how you wanted, and the method was not ideal for anyone, but it has happened and you have to deal with it. I would suggest the best way is honestly and openly.

As for your ex GF I would write to her, and apoligise for using her, tell her you are pissed off, but forgive her. You can't go blaming her for the rest of your life.

Then as you will be open and gay, you can find your own BF rather than borrowing your room mates, and hopefully live hapily ever after.

 

[spencer]

I friggin hate the mean girls life ruining e-mail.

Here's what I see. If you have a gay cheering greek roomate, you can still pick up the pieces. You can even tell people you're still figuring shit out. Otherwise use it as an opportunity to be free.

 

[rareboy]

I agree.

You're free now.

Get on with your life.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Try to keep the big picture in mind. In the long run (life outside of college), this will seem like a very small event. As with every crisis, in the moment, it seems like the worst thing ever, but in the grand scheme of life, this is "small stuff". Focus on maintaining your friendships with your frat brothers, squad, roommate etc.

Karma will come back around on this girl and I assure you that she probably has done this in the past and will do this in the future and have bad "karma" herself. People don't like people who do this to other people and she will NEVER be trusted by others. Who wants to be friends with someone who would do this to someone. I would cross the street to get away from a someone like this!

Follow the advise above and move forward, this will be less and less of an issue each day. You will find your TRUE friends in this and that girl has shown her true colors (and they are not pretty and people will see that).

Jeff

 

[zeus007]

pws emplekses etsi re kollite?

den einai oute kako karma oute tipota. einai just the real life. welcome to it...

 

[nafhoosier]

I was outed about a year ago as well by one of my friends (who also happened to be a girl)

She basically forced me to come out in front of all of my other friends at school. At first I was terrified, but eventually, it ended up feeling really good and relaxing.

I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders and all my friends (most of whom are straight guys in the military) were completely fine with it. It's really not that big of a deal, and you'd be surprised how much nobody really cares.

 

[kramer362]

Has there been any backlash or anything from being outed?

 

[Lube]

It's 2009 and you're at college for god's sake. Everyone probably suspected you were gay anyway, if that's your photo and you were on the cheer team or whatever. Get over yourself.

Move on.

6 months from now you'll be wondering why you were ever closeted in the first place. It's just not a big deal.

 

[kissthesky88]

i know this might sound stupid... but look on the bright side. at least you were outted by someone who meant nothing to you. you're a senior right? which means you've spent 3 whole years there and you're greek... you've surely slept with a girl or two.

when i came out, i had planned on doing it in a gradual pace, you know, one friend at a time, my siblings, then my parents. i told my best friend, his girlfriend (who i have come to regard as an extremely close friend as well) and then a longtime friend who i don't see very often but who i basically grew up with and held very dear). the moment i told her, she mass texted every single one of our mutual friends and asked them if they knew. an hour after i left her house, i got about 15 text messages and 2 dozen calls in the time span of half an hour. i have never felt so incredibly betrayed or hurt in my entire life.

she made the hardest thing i've ever had to do a thousand times worse & stole from me what was supposed to be an enlightening and liberating experience.

human sexuality is so amazingly complicated, i think people (especially gays) tend to forget that there is such a thing as bisexuality. if you're really bisexual, then you weren't lying to anyone. unless someone explicitly asked you if you were physically attracted to guys, then you were being honest, because you're not gay. being gay means you only exclusively like men. don't be so hard on yourself. i'm sure everyone who now knows thinks your ex-girlfriend is cunt now, because what she did is insanely wrong.

 

[Princecameronxiv]

Numero Uno, let me clarify, I did NOT sleep with nathan when i was dating the ex, I got with the her like 2 weeks after my roommate found out i had slept with his him.

Numero Dos, yeah i am IN FACT bisexual. I have had sex with girls in the past, been in LOVE with a girl, and am physically attracted to girls too. No i am not JUST convincing myself I like girls i KNOW i do. I think it's extremely closed minded for someone to say that bisexual guys are guys who are simply just TOO afraid to admit they are gay. Speak for yourself dude.

Numero Tres I didn't date the ex to "cover up" the fact that i like guys, i dated her because i saw potential love interest.

Update: I've already gotten several messages from my friends saying they think the ex is disgusting for what she did to me and that they are there for me along with the whole "nothings changed speech." I've seen some of the guys in my fraternity since it happened and I haven't noticed a change in behavior in any of them AT ALL, so it's either they haven't checked their email yet or that they JUST don't give a shit. My ex ironically skipped town for summer vacation TODAY and won't be back for at least a month "what a shysty hoe." My best friend (who i came out to last year) told me to look on the bright side, the sensationalism might get me homecoming votes this fall haha. so needless to say things are looking up. Thanks for all the support, well.. from those of you who weren't total D-Bags that is.

 

[rareboy]

No one was a Douche bag.

Since you've gone from crying harder than you did when your only father died to seeing all of this an an opportunistic way to get votes for homecoming queen. I guess the trauma might have just been more drama than anything.

Maybe try to channel the theatrics into your 'cheerleading'.

BTW.

As though everyone doesn't immediately think that the guys on cheering squads aren't gay as a parade.

 

[Artisticboy89]

You know... I bet you anything that that is law suit material... defamation of character, discrimination based on sexual preference, harassment... If you want revenge against her you might be able to make her suffer the good ol' American way.

 

[rareboy]

^ What nonsense. Be a man about it.