I've never needed it before

[Fat Tom]

But over the past year my desire to be in a relationship has skyrocketed to unparalleled heights. Never has something made such a yearning and wanting void with in me. I was always one to believe that you didn't really need a relationship to be happy, and those who feigned for one only did so because they had just gotten out of one. Myself, I've never been in an actual relationship beyond school yard bullshit throughout middle school.

But this longing to be with someone is almost becoming overbearing... Especially when there is someone who fits the exact type you want in both looks and personality. Only catch is that he's straight, and used to be my best friend. I had developed an extreme crush on him last year that damn well came close to ending our friendship. I became overbearing, almost treating him like my boyfriend, stupid me just couldn't help but constantly hope. Well, I thought I was over it, and we've been hanging out again... and I don't want to get close to him again because in the end I'll just end up hurting myself again, but I'll be damned if I don't miss having him as my best friend.

This leads me back to needing someone. I need someone to fill that continuously growing void, which I could only wish was him. One - it would be a hell of a lot healthier for me. Two - it would help salvage the friendship with him as I believe most sexual tension between me and him would hopefully be eliminated, and we can just go back to being boys.

As I type this I realize it sounds ridiculous that I would want to get into a relationship only to get over the fact that I can't have this dude... but that's only a portion of it, albeit the most prevalent at this time. I just want to know what it's like to have someone who you can simply lay with in the most absolute comfort, and be able to get as close as you want, and not have to worry if you're crossing any sort of line. Someone you can fall asleep and wake up next to in the morning. All the stupid details. I guess through out this rambling the point I'm trying to make is that I'm fucking sick and tired of being alone.

 

[G-Lexington]

Nothing wrong with wanting it. The danger is wanting it so much that you try to force a square peg into a round hole. Yes, a relationship like the one you describe is amazing. But you can't simply hold your arm around an invisible person, and put up a sign - "insert boyfriend here". It takes a very specific person to build the relationship you're looking for. You have to click with each other. You both have to want it. And you both need to be interested enough to put in the work to build and maintain such a relationship. Because the movies suggest that you just need to be in the same room together, at which point the music swells, you fall into each other's arms, and it's happily ever after time. But it ain't like that. Yeah, the meeting and the falling in love can be stupid-wonderful. And things can go much easier with somebody you click with. But you still have to put in the work.

This isn't to say it's impossible. But instead of looking out the window pining for it, wishing you were lucky, go make your own luck. Get out there and start meeting some more people. Some will only make decent acquaintances - someone you can talk sports or AI with. That's fine - we all could use more of those. Others might make good friends, or good party buds. But a select few you might click with. And then you pursue it a bit, and hope he clicks with you.

Lex

 

[Fat Tom]

The problem is that I don't really participate in any sort of gay culture/gatherings. I'm not a fan of clubs, I'd rather just chill at a small bar. Not to mention most of the gay bars don't cater to what I'm looking for. I need a cub, dammit. Haha. I also don't have any gay friends to confide in, just an awesome girl who I can actually talk about dudes with. haha. I'm not looking to dive right into a relationship, either, but the opportunity to do so would be nice.

 

[G-Lexington]

Hm. If only there was some way you could advertise for hat you were looking for. "Looking for friends, possible eventual LTR" sort of thing. Maybe through the internet or something.

Lex

 

[josher]

Well, you're unlikely to find a boyfriend, if you avoid the company of other gay men.

Every boyfriend/LTR I've had in the last 40 years (except the first in high school) began when I met them in some sort of gay environment.

I won't say it's impossible to stumble upon someone somewhere else (work/school/etc.), just that's it's very unlikely.

If you live in a small town that quite distant from a metro area, that's a tough one.

But if you do live in or near a metro area there should be dozens of gay interest groups there. And there is always a smallish bar or two that has a more neighborhood feel.

My fear is that you've become so fixated on your straight friend that no one who isn't his clone in looks and personality will ever suit you.

Get out and meet a wide diversity of gay men. There has to be someone out there who you'll click with.

And don't let your female friend's opinions blind you to a great guy, just because she doen't like him. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but it happens all the time in the gay community.

 

[Lube]

We have several very active bear groups where I am (must be the cold weather!). Are there any near you?

 

[Fat Tom]

Well, you're unlikely to find a boyfriend, if you avoid the company of other gay men.

Every boyfriend/LTR I've had in the last 40 years (except the first in high school) began when I met them in some sort of gay environment.

I won't say it's impossible to stumble upon someone somewhere else (work/school/etc.), just that's it's very unlikely.

If you live in a small town that quite distant from a metro area, that's a tough one.

But if you do live in or near a metro area there should be dozens of gay interest groups there. And there is always a smallish bar or two that has a more neighborhood feel.

My fear is that you've become so fixated on your straight friend that no one who isn't his clone in looks and personality will ever suit you.

Get out and meet a wide diversity of gay men. There has to be someone out there who you'll click with.

And don't let your female friend's opinions blind you to a great guy, just because she doen't like him. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but it happens all the time in the gay community.

I really appreciate the well thought out response, and i'll address each point. Not really in defense of myself, just describing each situation.

1) Very true. Not disputing that at all. It just sucks because, as I said, most of the major gay culture things (which I've run into) are not my cup of tea at all. Sometimes I hate saying this, only because I feel I sound incredibly corny when I do, but my lifestyle very much revolves around the Hardcore Punk scene. Its what I enjoy most, and I can't find the same enjoyment in much else. And, as one would expect, not too many gay dudes involved in the scene, at least in my area.

I just can't take regular clubs and what not. The music typically gives me a headache, I don't like the dancing, and the regulars are far from my type. I don't know of any bear bars around the area. I've heard of one that might have bears/cubs, but from what i've seen entering the bar, it doesn't look much like my type of place either.

2) No, I don't live in a small area at all. I doubt I would have had the balls to come out if I lived in a small town. Although, word traveled very fast anyway once I came out.

3) It's not so much that I'm so fixated on him that no one else can compare, it's just the lack of selection, as far as I know. While I do find him to be the epitome of what i want in a partner, I don't feel as if it misguides my judgement when it comes to other men. I'll walk down the boardwalk and see tons of daddies, bears, and cubs that I would love to jump on, but obviously, that's not really possible. I'm in a semi-relationship as it is. Simple hook-up-and-fuck type deal, which we've done for, God, around 4 years now. He's a married fellow, so nothing more can come from it. I don't envision my straight friend while I'm fucking him... but it still doesn't relieve me of my want for a relationship, but at least it relieves some of the sexual tension from being a 22 year old horny dude.

4) If I knew of different ways to meet these local men in a social gathering I'd be game, but I can't seem to find any information. I definitely wouldn't mind meeting other gay dudes that I could actually click with, but to tell you the truth, most gay dudes annoy me.

5) As far as the girl's opinion, there is no way. We definitely have our disagreements, in which I tend to voice my opinion far more vehemently then she does. But, she definitely would support me in any situation. She just wants to see me happy. I think she wants me to be in a relationship more than I do. haha. Easily the most caring and lovable girl I've ever known.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>most gay dudes annoy me.

Common complaint, to which I usually suggest "give them a chance." That doesn't mean "date them", necessarily. But don't immediately through up the "squealy voice, ew, goodbye" shield. Keep talking. No, you might still not want to go out with him, but maybe he'd make a good friend. And gay friends have other gay friends...

Lex

 

[josher]

^^This is absolutely correct.

If you live in a big metro area, there must be a free gay newspaper/magazine available in many spots.
It should list gay interests groups and include a phone number or other contact information. I can't imagine a major metro area that doesn't have some sort of bear organization.

Since this is a no flame zone, i won't respond to your "most gay dudes annoy me" line.

 

[Lube]

Which is why you should look for (or start?) a local bear group. Just go to the movies or something once a week.

Locally we have bear groups for cooking/foodies, wine tasting, movies, game night, knitting, etc. All started as one or two guys getting together, and just growing.

 

[eclectic_spirit]

Tom, I've seen your pics in another thread here and have to say you are absolutely one of the most adorable men I have ever laid eyes on, period. I would date you in a heartbeat! (Are you open to the prospect of relationships that start out long-distance? ) Seriously, you really shouldn't have too much trouble finding someone if you put yourself out there. Here are a couple of bear/cub/chaser sites you might be interested in looking into:

http://www.bearciti.com (this one is completely free, actually)

and

http://www.biggercity.com (not free for all services, but definitely worth considering joining)

I have been a member of both for some time, and have actually seen profiles for cubs who are into the type of music you love. If you've never really given thought to relocating elsewhere, you might want to consider that as an option - you may have to move to another city or state to meet the man of your dreams, but if there's a lifetime of love and happiness that comes out of it, it will have been worth it, right?

Many to you, and keep me posted on your search!

Mark

 

[giorgiobaby]

Tom, I too am a big fan of the metal/punk scene. I hang out in those bars and so like you, I rarely meet men that are into the music I listen to. I do however have gay friends that I hang out with and will(not always willing) go with them to gay bars, they bore the hell out of me, but I just hang with my friends and have a good time with them. I hang out in straight bars, I have often met gay men that hang out in the bars I go to, I won't say that I meet a lot of them I want to go out with, but it does let me know that it can happen. Maybe you should check out online some of the local or not so local bars in your area that may be gay friendly and you could meet some people with your same tastes in music and maybe even some gay ones. You don't know if you don't try. Good luck

 

[asian87]

I have strong desire of being in a real relationship and it grows every day, the more I want it the stronger that feeling becomes. It is just hard to find someone when you need him and I know how it feels like. Some people don't seem to understand alas.

 

[asian87]

I have strong desire of being in a real relationship and it grows every day, the more I want it the stronger that feeling becomes. It is just hard to find someone when you need him and I know how it feels like. Some people don't seem to understand alas.

 

[conrad]

In this type of matter an outsider can only make a contribution based on personal experience. My journey has been a very happy one and I firmly believe that it was my friends and partners who made it so. The town in which I grew up was not a place where one would imagine that the path would be an easy one.

There is, I believe, that quality which goes by the name of serendipity that too many males do not even recognize. At age fifteen I was horny as the next guy but I knew better than to go looking for "action" and had to be satisfied with increasingly frequent solo sessions.

The new guy in town was easy to like; we soon became good friends and thanks to the zone of privacy we had at his home we forgot our shyness and found ourselves more and more physically intimate. Yes, and one day it happened: together we were open to that which we had found repulsive before we met. The openness we had blossomed naturally when I found him still bare-assed naked on his double bed as I emerged from having showered after we had sweated hard on a couple of hours of yard work. Yes, his serendipity and mine were in perfect sync that day. It was too hot for our usual playfulness and we each managed to face the other's cock and amazingly found ourselves sucking cock and loving that which had been repulsive before.

Things do happen when two young guys grab the opportunity to confirm the bond that has come to be between them in a new and different way. At that moment we both wanted and needed it and we gave ourselves permission to pursue it. Our last two years of high school were for us a time to learn by doing and we did it all. And it had all started by the simple human endeavor of making friends with the new guy in town.

We had discovered a part of our sexuality which we had never considered before. We continued to think of ourselves as "regular guys" and both ended up as happily married men, but we do not forget those wonderful times we had together and the love which grew stronger. He remains my dearest male friend.

 

[pocono]

Tom,

Basically I was in the EXACT same situation. About a year ago I decided after way too long I wanted/needed/craved a relationship. So I found a club (they have several sections and one of them is a quiet-ish bar) that worked for me.

For 3 months I went there alone, sat at the bar and waited. Well...finally a really nice guy rescued me. Well of course I got a GIANT crush on him and of course he was partnered. So after a few months I decided that we would be "just friends."

About 2 months ago I went to the bar and this amazingly hot guy was there...my friend knew him and introduced us. We are not in a LTR, but we have been dating since then.

Is it forever, I don't know, but I know he makes me happy.

I guess if I have any advice (and I really don't) it is to get out there (somewhere) and give it a try.

Good luck

 

[Attack]

Yah, having someone to love and be loved back sounds impossible.

Having zero friends, little money...and too scared to go to the usual gay places alone pretty much hamstrings any chance except the random one...

Ive heard that here in the DFW (Texas) has the largest gay community in the country? I havent "randomly" met anyone.

 

[spencer]

I participate in the scene a lot out of no choice, how am I going to meet gay people without going where gay people congregate. I have actually met other people in the same situation, that is, they're not into the scene and they go out cause their friends ask them and they sit on the sidelines as their friends dance, and that's when I talk to them.

I meet people through the net too.

 

[CtBoyWonder]

And don't let your female friend's opinions blind you to a great guy, just because she doen't like him. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but it happens all the time in the gay community.

So true, so true. I have a lesbian friend who has never had anything
positive to say about any guy I dated, interested in or are just friends.