Jealous / Confused

[Louis13]

Sorry if this is a little long. Here is the back story:
Im in my mid twenties and never had any gay friends, experiences, or sex. Then one day a new guy who was gay, started at my job and I fell for him bad. We got super close but I could tell that nothing would ever happen. I went through a really bad spot of self hatred and feeling unwanted because he is your typical twink and I am overweight, plus the fact he has had all these guys and is younger then me and ive had none. He introduced me to more gay clubs and gay partys and we have had good times. I got over my feelings for him and moved on to just being super close friends which is great.

We have this other guy we both know who was supposedly straight. He is super cute and a jock type. The three of us hung out outside of work for the first time the other night and he tells us hes gay. We had a feeling but were both shocked. The three of us went out again a few nights later and he got set up by a friend with this guy at a club and they hit it off and start making out.

Now here is my problem. I feel like im going through the same thing again. I think the second friend is really cute and love to be with but I know nothing would never happen. Just seeing him not even fully out and already kissing guys and I cant even get a guy to look at me makes me go crazy. I dont know if it's jealously that this is happening for him or because I find him cute. I cant stop thinking about it and keep feeling like a panic attack is coming on. Im happy for him that hes coming out, I really am. But I also now have to face these feelings of being unwanted again and not good enough again and I dont want to cut him out of my life because he needs support but its so hard to watch these things. Any advice?

 

[screwnutty]

This is the same issue I have. I'll be turning the dreaded "old as dino crap" 40 in a few months. I'm over-weight, a geek and I've tried every gay dating app that exists. I've never gotten anywhere. Maybe somebody else can help you, but I got a cat and just try to keep myself busy and volunteer in my free time. It's lonely sure, but you learn to deal with it. Being gay is a young and fit man's game and it's not even worth trying to find somebody who will look past the weight and see the real you. I wish you look though bud. But you are not alone.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm over 40 and still get laid.

OK what are your expectations? What are you trying to attract? The best way to get laid is confidence. Attraction IS a two way street, if you feel you are attractive you will telegraph that, if you think you are a hopeless troll you will telegraph that.

If being overweight is a problem for you take action, if you feel that you look like a frump go shopping, you ARE in control over your own reality. Seize it.

The fastest way to turn a guy off is needy clingy-ness (not that I'm saying you're doing this - just general info) so make a plan, and stick to it. Make yourself the best you can be according to the criteria most important to you - and you WILL find your way.

 

[TX-Beau]

This is the same issue I have. I'll be turning the dreaded "old as dino crap" 40 in a few months. I'm over-weight, a geek and I've tried every gay dating app that exists. I've never gotten anywhere. Maybe somebody else can help you, but I got a cat and just try to keep myself busy and volunteer in my free time. It's lonely sure, but you learn to deal with it. Being gay is a young and fit man's game and it's not even worth trying to find somebody who will look past the weight and see the real you. I wish you look though bud. But you are not alone.

When I was 20, I used to dread getting older, because I would never have dated a 30 year old, then when I hit 30, I realized I'd never date a 20 year old. Being gay you can find plenty of young guys with daddy complexes and plenty of old guys who've given up, but basically whether you get fucked or not is much more a function of individuality, not age - at least before you hit Viagra.

Like I said, attraction is a two way street, if you expect the other guy to be attractive, you have to do your level best to reciprocate.

 

[aaggii]

What apps do you guys use? You should focus on the chub/bears ones, plenty of chasers there.

 

[kallipolis]

When I was 20, I used to dread getting older, because I would never have dated a 30 year old, then when I hit 30, I realized I'd never date a 20 year old. Being gay you can find plenty of young guys with daddy complexes and plenty of old guys who've given up, but basically whether you get fucked or not is much more a function of individuality, not age - at least before you hit Viagra.

Like I said, attraction is a two way street, if you expect the other guy to be attractive, you have to do your level best to reciprocate.

Well noted....

 

[KaraBulut]

We have this other guy we both know who was supposedly straight. He is super cute and a jock type. The three of us hung out outside of work for the first time the other night and he tells us hes gay...The three of us went out again a few nights later and he got set up by a friend with this guy at a club and they hit it off and start making out. ...Just seeing him not even fully out and already kissing guys and I cant even get a guy to look at me makes me go crazy. I dont know if it's jealously that this is happening for him or because I find him cute. I cant stop thinking about it and keep feeling like a panic attack is coming on...

As you see more people coming out, you'll see this "kid in a candy store" phenomenon often. For a short while, it's quite fun and can be quite flattering. But it gets old and it's not what most people want from life.

No one ever finds their self-esteem in someone else's pants.

...Im in my mid twenties and never had any gay friends, experiences, or sex... I went through a really bad spot of self hatred and feeling unwanted because he is your typical twink and I am overweight, plus the fact he has had all these guys and is younger then me and ive had none...

You're speaking of "self hatred and feeling unwanted" in the past tense but it doesn't seem that you've actually worked through it.

There's a lot that you can do to change your outward appearance (i.e. dieting, working out) but probably until you fix the inside, it's not going to make a difference in the long run. There's plenty of overweight guys who get laid but it's usually because they have self-confidence and they don't let their appearance be the excuse for all of their shortcomings.

Think of all of this as a wake-up call. You need to work on yourself- inside and out. If you're not happy with your appearance, then do something to change it. If you don't have self-esteem and confidence, then find a therapist and work on that issue, too.

 

[Louis13]

Thank you all. You have all made sense and I am going to start to change.

 

[Seasoned]

Passive, introverted people wait for the world to come to them. I know because that's how I began my life. You see us all over literature and movies. We're the sidekicks.

Once we begin to figure out who we are and what type of personalities we have, usually by the time we reach our late teens and early twenties, we can take control and do something about it. I'm about to turn 69 and I've had people burst out laughing when I told them I'm naturally introverted. I am, but I've worked on being outgoing and assertive, so I know it's possible.

Now, let me tell you how I think this applies. During the adolescent period when we start getting horny we are more inclined to fantasize rather than take action. Thus begins a long pattern of passivity, waiting for something to happen. Next come all the self-judgements which push us further into isolation. I started overcoming this by observing how more confident people behaved, especially how they interacted with strangers with regard to small talk. I began imitating that behavior and my life changed.

You seem to believe you have a weight issue. If you're soothing yourself with food you're in a vicious circle. That, too, can be broken.

If these two guys are your friends why don't you look to them as role models and rely on them for support? The problem with low self-esteem and/or being introverted is that it make one prone to fall for anyone within our "type" who is nice to us and the whole secret fantasy life begins anew.