Jealous of my boyfriend's Ex.

[Raistanelf]

So, here's a long story.

I was going out with this guy for a while, and he called it off. Two weeks later, he's dating this other guy. And I got jealous, and I've been feeling jealous ever since.

Even though he dumped him, and he's seeing me again, I feel ... insecure.

His ex was tall, dark, handsome, slender, had a great job, and was very...calm.

I'm short, slightly tubby, still in school (so is he), and more fiery and passionate....And I feel so ... insignificant in comparison to this guy.

My boyfriend says he loves me, but, he likes to stay friends with his ex - I gave him an ultimatum, cos I was not comfortable with that, and though he stopped talking to him, I now feel like he's mad at me, for making him choose to cut someone out of his life - he's never had to do that before.

I have my insecurities, but, I'm struggling with letting go... I feel betrayed, and I keep constantly questioning whether or not he really wants to be with me, or whether he only returned to me cos of convenience.
He called things off with his ex cos he felt unsupported, but at the same time, even after the break up, he texted him, and made plans with him, and even had dinner with him, behind my back.



Has anyone else ever felt irrational jealousy/insecurity in their relationship ? Any advice, or thoughts, or stories, would be good.

Thanks.

 

[HunterM]

If he keeps doing things behind your back, why are you staying with him? Break it off. Work on your own issues first. Then start dating again. If you don't resolve your own issues, you will still have suspicions and insecurities and jealousy on the next guy you date and the guy after that.

If you don't have the confidence and love for yourself, how do you have love for your boyfriend?

Jealousy is like you yourself taking poison and expect other people to get sick. In reality, other people move on with life.

 

[Raistanelf]

can't you date someone, and work on your insecurities at the same time ? or is it only sane,issue free people who succeed in relationships... ?

 

[HunterM]

^ Only if your partner is strong enough, care enough to support you and help you resolve your issues. Otherwise, the chance of success is slim.

When your boyfriend keeps doing things behind your back, he's not committed to you. He's not strong enough and care enough to support you.

A successful relationship requires both TRUST and RESPECT. Does your relationship have them?

 

[genthree]

you are going to fuck everything up,let him go , go and grow up yourself and then start again.

 

[Raistanelf]

For the record, he's promised that he's not doing anything behind my back - my issue is that, because of the time that he did, i'm having trouble forgiving him, and trusting him, and again, - jealous of the ex. i'm trying to deal with stuff,but, it's hard ...

 

[AngolaZee]

It is never a good sign to start (or re-start) a relationship with this kind of baggage already present. I think your boyfriend is with you because of convenience (sex) rather than genuine affection. You will always be distrustful of him since he has already done things behind your back. How will you know for sure if he has stopped, he can say one thing and do something else.

The only solution here is to end the relationship and move on to someone you will not have trust issues with.

 

[loveguys72]

Lasting relationships are built on trust and mutual respect. Neither of those qualities exist here. In addition, you have some serious problems with respecting and loving yourself. And if you can't respect and love yourself, no one else will be able to, either. I'd advise breaking off this relationship and taking some time to build some confidence in yourself and your own worth. Only then will you be able to have a real, loving relationship with someone else.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[Seasoned]

No one is self-actualized at your ages and many, many issues are worked on in relationships. My husband and I have been together 29 years. Next month will be the one year anniversary of our legal marriage. Anyone peaking in our windows 29 years ago would have had many occasions and many reasons to have told us to break up. We were in love, yet hurting with emotional baggage. I did a lot and said a lot that I'm not proud of; my husband would say the same.

I'd say there are some guidelines for staying in a relationship while working on personal issues. There can be no violence or physical or emotional abuse. Both people need to commit to the relationship. It ought not to be about one "sick" or needy person. Both ought to own up to individual weaknesses or areas of improvement. Neither should be suffering in silence. Both ought to commit to learning fair fighting rules and use them. Therapy should not be ruled out whether it's individual or couple's.

The time to end a relationship is when one or both are miserable with no relief and no hope or cooperation for improvement. Perhaps there are relationships which are frictionless, but I wouldn't hold my breath. My relationship has been more like stained glass than a smooth canvass, many, many jagged pieces of all different colors coming together to form something beautiful. The thing is, even after 29 years, it's not finished, but it's perfect in its imperfection.

Hang in there. Talk to him. Ask for want you want and need. Learn to realize the difference. Good luck and pm me anytime. Just remember it doesn't get better by magic.

 

[racer2438]

You need to move on and work on your self and get those issues taken care of or they will follow you everywhere you go, in all aspects of your life.

Which will lead to many broken relationships and you may never be happy..... being healthy mentally/physically is formost your main concern to work on, then you can be a happier person which others will see, and soon you will have a great life with someone where you both care/love each other fully..................work on you first..

 

[dutchmaster]

This is something all too familiar with. I still have the same feelings about my boyfriends ex. It is slightly different, as it involves cheating, but the feelings are similar, at least to some extent. I would have suggested not too issue an ultimatum, but since you did, I would talk to him more about why you are feeling this way, instead of trying to force him to behave in the way you want him to. It usually does not work. Please PM me, as well, if you are interested.