Jealous over friends new friend

[Croft85]

So my friend (I will call him buzz) and I are close he thinks of me as his brother or let least He use to I don't know any more. He made friends with his sister's boyfriend (Woody) well Buzz and his girlfriend moved in with them. And now Buzz and Woody are real good friends. And I feel hunt and left out. They had partys without me they said it's because I don't have a car and they didn't think to come get me. I just shrug it off as no big deal. They made it up to me and I went over there on the weekend. And we all got drunk. Well me buzz and Woody are out side smoking. And Buzz starts telling Woody how he's is the only person he trusts to have his back and that he loves him so much and I'm just standing there like I don't exist. Buzz then then turns to me like an after thought and says " Don't worry I love you too" I still cant help to feel hurt. And jealous over how close they are. I'm I just over reacting?

 

[SeaCore]

So, jealousy comes from a place of insecurity. I completely understand why you feel hurt. You want your friend to feel like they can rely on you right?
But I think... There does need to be some recognition of reality. From the sounds of it, you can't have Buzz's back the way Woody can because you have limited agency. If Buzz needed to be bailed out of jail you wouldn't be able to pull through for Buzz would you?
This doesn't make you a bad friend. It doesn't make you a bad person. But that is the reality.

Was your friend being a touch inconsiderate? Yes. Saying that they love you too very well could have been an afterthought. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect your friend to be on their A-game when it comes to considering their actions when they're drunk. The fact is. It mattered to them, when they realized the implication the situation, to acknowledge and reassure you too. Your friend didn't have to do that. Your friend didn't have to try and invite you to hang out after not inviting you to the party.

Try to identify the insecurity that's creating this jealousy. And it probably won't be pleasant. But neither is feeling jealousy.

Also, can you talk a bit about your proactiveness in your relationship with Buzz. Do you initiate hanging out or has that generally been Buzz's role?

 

[Croft85]

I'm always the one who how has to initiate to hang out. And yes I can't have is back like Woody they are both black belts. And I'm not a fighter. It's hurts because I'm done so much for him. I'm give him a place to stay when he was homeless, give him food. And the he moved out I didn't even get a thank you. He did say it when he moved in but still. He and Woody have way more in common then me a buzz. And that makes me feel. Threatened. My jealousy started last year and it even broke up our friendship for awhile. But we made up. We talked about it and I told him that I felt like he was trying to replace me with Woody. And he told me "your my little brother I love you I would never do that" and I thought I moved passed all this jealousy just but it's coming back.

 

[KaraBulut]

...jealous over how close they are. I'm I just over reacting?

There's a reason that jealousy plays a part in so many fables and Biblical stories. It's one of the most basic of emotions and it gets us in a lot of trouble.

Your friend's relationship with his friend is separate from your relationship. Is there something else that you're wanting from Buzz that might be part of all of this feeling of jealousy?

 

[Croft85]

What do you mean? Is something more I want from him?

 

[jaysizzles]

Don't think of Woody as competition...work on getting to know him better and be his friend. You've already got something in common...Buzz, chances are there's more. Buzz has assured you that the two of you are good, and Woody is not going anywhere. He's often going to be there when you're with Buzz, so you may as well make the most of it.

Friendships change over time, and so now you must adapt too. I've often said that you can't have too many friends, and here's an opportunity to have another if you give it a chance.

 

[Croft85]

I would make friends with Woody but he doesn't like me. He only puts up with me because I'm friends with Buzz. Do you do think I'm overreacting by feeling hurt?

 

[KaraBulut]

What do you mean? Is something more I want from him?

Well, it sounds like this guy isn't particularly grateful, has taken advantage of your friendship and is more of a taker than a giver.

What's in it for you?

Do you do think I'm overreacting by feeling hurt?

Feelings are feelings. You can't help what you feel.

Over-reacting is what you do with those feelings, not the other way around. Over-reacting is something that you can do something about.

But again, what's in this for you?

 

[Croft85]

Friends are not in friendships to get something out of it. I all thought of him as a good friend. He did stop me from killing myself last year. He treats me like any older brother would. His little brother

 

[KaraBulut]

Friends are not in friendships to get something out of it. I all thought of him as a good friend. He did stop me from killing myself last year. He treats me like any older brother would. His little brother

Think of them more like investments. You're putting something in, you should be getting something out. Like any relationship, there are different times when you give more than you get or vice versa.

And like any investment, if you keep putting in and you never get anything out, it's time to cut your losses.

I all thought of him as a good friend. He did stop me from killing myself last year.

That would be a return on the investment in the friendship. This is the kind of stuff that you want friends to do. Good friends are not only there, they also are there when times are tough and the stick around when times are tough.

He treats me like any older brother would. His little brother

Something to think about: there's an implied inequality to this situation.

Brothers are equal. Older/little brother has a different meaning and it says something about whether the relationship is equal.

Unfortunately, we only have one word for "friend" in English. So, it has to cover acquaintances in social media that you may have never met; people in your life that you hang out with but known little about; but also those people that are closest to you.

...we all got drunk....Buzz starts telling Woody how he's is the only person he trusts to have his back and that he loves him so much and I'm just standing there like I don't exist. Buzz then then turns to me like an after thought and says " Don't worry I love you too" I still cant help to feel hurt. And jealous over how close they are. I'm I just over reacting?

That problem with there only being one word for "friend" gets even worse during drunken "I love you" moments. While it's sweet, it doesn't do justice to real friendships that have been tested by difficult times.

There's nothing wrong with this guy being friends with more than one person. The problem here is that you feel like the third wheel or that there's another level of closeness that you want with this friend. If it's difficult for you to accept that your friend is having this bromance with another guy, then don't hang out with them together (especially during these drunken "I love you" moments).

Make time to do stuff with your friend separately- to just hang out. If these are real friendships, they'll survive the test of time. If they're not, everyone will move on to other "friends".

 

[SeaCore]

I agree with Karabulut but I don't love how they're saying it. It can seem a bit calculating.

I think we can agree that friendship should be a two-way street and that friends play a fulfilling role in our lives; and it's not all in the same way.
And that special place Buzz has in your life, that reason you continue to be friends, something is happening that is causing you to feel like you're going to lose it. Maybe it's that Buzz isn't doing something that used to be meaningful to you, maybe Buzz hasn't changed but you worry that you're not enough and that Woody could replace you. Maybe you've both just changed and there's some growing pains.

Your jealousy is concerning but it's not bad. You cannot control how you feel. You are not a bad person. And maybe without even quite realizing it, you've shown a great commitment to your friendship with Buzz because you're not just letting these feelings get between you. You're seeking help.

You need to be comfortable giving Buzz permission in your mind to be friends with Woody. But you also need to give yourself permission to have feelings and to explore where they're coming from without being hard on yourself.

 

[mcbrion]

How old were you both when you first became friends? 7? 10? 13?

 

[mcbrion]

I agree with part of what Kara Bulut posted: " Make time to do stuff with your friend separately- to just hang out. If these are real friendships, they'll survive the test of time. If they're not, everyone will move on to other "friends".

What I DON'T agree with is the use of the word "friends" to cover every level of social connections. Just because Facebook says you are "friends," well, that's plain absurd. Does ANYONE actually think that simply because the word "friend" is used, that this is someone who would drive 100 miles to pick you up if your car broke down and you had no money??? As Mr. Blue once wrote, "You get that kind of friend once or twice in a lifetime - IF you're lucky."

A friend is someone you know, who know you, who knows what your dreams are. When something good happens, they're your main cheerleader, and when you are defeated in some way, they put a blanket around you, get you a drink (or tea), sit close to you and murmur comforting words. They make you feel like you are ALL that matters in that time of pain or grief or sadness. Or anger.

There are a few types of relationships: the "comfort" relationship, which is mainly spending time with each other, doing things together. But it may not include higher states of friendship, which falls under "nurture": Your friend listen to your hopes and dreams (and they WANT TO, they're not just doing it to humour you). They agree with you when you're right and correct you when you're wrong.


But don't take my word for it. Read this article and see which relationship you actually have.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/friendship-day-be-the-friend-you-would-like-to-have/

 

[Croft85]

We have been friends for about two years now. You are right and you probably knew better then me. It hard for me to admit it but. I'm attracted to Buzz. And I'm jealous of he and Woodys bromance because me and Buzz use to have the the bromancebut that changed when I came out

 

[KaraBulut]

Is there something else that you're wanting from Buzz that might be part of all of this feeling of jealousy?

...I'm attracted to Buzz. And I'm jealous of he and Woodys bromance because me and Buzz use to have the the bromance but that changed when I came out

That was a tough admission. But admitting it is part of working through why there's jealousy.

It's difficult to be close friends without there being some element of attraction. It happens between male and female friends. It happens between male friends, even if one or both of them is not gay.

If you want to be close friends with Buzz, then you're going to have to accept those feelings for what they are and move past them. And when you do that, you will find that it's also easy to move past the jealousy.

Otherwise, it won't be the friendship between Buzz and Woody that damages your friendship with Buzz. It will be your jealousy that damages your friendship with Buzz.

 

[Croft85]

Wow thanks

 

[Croft85]

So my next question is how do I stop being attracted to my straight friend?

 

[KaraBulut]

So my next question is how do I stop being attracted to my straight friend?

You don't. It's part of the other feelings that you have toward your friend.

In these situations, it's not the feelings. It's what you do with those feelings.

Some guys can't get those feelings under control and it ruins the friendship or they make a conscious decision to put distance between the friend. Other guys find a way to continue to be friends and just accept that those feelings are part of what makes the friendship a close friendship, even if they never act upon the feelings.

 

[Croft85]

Then how to I stop being jealous of Woody?

 

[KaraBulut]

Then how to I stop being jealous of Woody?

First, know that this is a temporary feeling. It seems awful now but it will get better.

Getting to the root of all these feelings was an important piece. It's normal to feel threatened when a friend has another close friend and you feel like the third wheel. The reason that I was pushing you on the "Is there anything more?" question is that your attraction is another piece of this and it amplifies the feelings.

My suggestions to you:

1. As I mentioned earlier, don't be the "little brother" and don't be the third wheel. Spend time with Buzz, as a friend and as an equal. Make that time pleasant for the both of you and just enjoy being friends and hanging out.
2. Be friends with Woody, separate from Buzz. Obviously Buzz thinks Woody is a great guy and while you might not be as close with Woody as you are with Buzz, if you have a friendship with Woody, it's going to be harder to see Woody as an enemy or as a threat.
3. If there's a situation in the future where the two of them are hanging out and you are feeling jealous of it, don't put yourself in the situation. You should be an equal, not the little brother who is hanging out with the older brother and his friends. The three of you should be friends and if there's these situations where you're going to feel like the third wheel, don't go.
4. Get some gay friends. Get some gay friends who you can have sex with. When you have other people whom you can talk with and when you have other people that you can direct some of this sexual energy toward, then you'll find that Buzz will be less of the focus of your feelings. I know from your other thread that you live in an area that doesn't have the number of gay people that an urban area would have but there are some LGBT people there or there are some people who are gay-friendly that you can get to know.