Jealousy in relationship

[stouredcub]

Hi there,

I recently asked my boyfriend to tell me about his sexual past and I am seriously regretting it.I had a really rough time accepting my sexuality when growing up,i always knew i was gay but messed myself up trying to block it out of my mind and live a straight life,i am now 27.
i started dating when i was 24,i met one guy in gaydar who was really nice but after 3 months i realised i didnt feel the same as him so we broke up.i then came out to a few close friends and started adjusting to my sexuality,but i still was scared to go to gay bars (and truth be told,when i did i would never meet anyone i was attracted to anyway). Then I met a friend of a friend and we started seeing each other but he was more interested in going out scoping who was in the clubs and chatting up guys when i wasnt there (still dont know to this day if he cheated on me,its likely).I fell head over heels for this guy but he dropped me once he made some friends on the scene in our town that he could go out with to pick up guys.This fucked me up for a while.after that i had oral with two guys who i didnt even like, and kissed one other guy. Then i met my current boyfriend and we have been together since,going on 3 years.

But recently i asked him about his previous sexual experience and i cant get it out of my head. He said he has only had full sex with two other guys but he has had oral or hand jobs with around 20 guys.and he described going to sex clubs and being in an orgy also. I dont know whether my jealousy is coming from the fact that he was with these people,who were obviously more attractive than I am, or that I am jealous that I never had the chance to do these things growing up as i couldnt come to terms with my sexuality in time to have a normal gay adolescence. It has just made me regret my life this far,all the mistakes i have made and all the things i have done wrong,and is starting to make me feel that my life is over and i am only 27!!!

please can someone with some more experience lend me their advice on how to stop thinking like this,it shouldnt matter,he says he loves me and i love him but I am driving myself wild thinking about all the things i should have done that he did do......

 

[whatsitallmean]

I don't have an answer for you because I just posted a very similar question. Maybe it's a good idea for some guys who haven't had much (or any) experience to have a chance to do so, so that, even if it's not for them, at least they won't have to deal with the unwanted but nagging what-ifs later on, as you are experiencing. However I guess it's also a matter of perspective, because if it were just 20 guys my bf had been with I think I would have an easier time dealing with it, since going by what he has told me, he has been with over 200 in the past 10 years or so, and possibly even more than that.

 

[8tomtoms8]

I'm sure one of the things he loves about you is that you haven't hooked up with every guy on the block. The other thing to be thankful for is that you are disease free. All those random hookups seem great until you become infected with a STD. Sure, condoms help but there is still risk and it only takes one infected guy to infect you with whatever.

I had a few hookups but I rarely had any fun because I didn't feel safe with the guys. Sure, they seemed nice but I just never knew what I would end up with. If you really want to have casual sex, go ahead. you certainly aren't too old. Talk to your boyfriend about it BEFORE you do anything and see what you two come up with.

If you do hook up, just be really careful. If you become infected with a STD, You will really question whether it was worth it.

Good luck

 

[stouredcub]

i hear ya.my man said he didnt even have oral with the vast majority of those guys as he wouldnt with a guy he didnt know them.but when he was talking about the guys he had experiences with i got so jealous as they sounded really attractive and the whole sex club/orgy thing always turned me on,i always wanted a chance to go wild but was so busy messing my own head up i didnt give myself the chance to have an experience.it has just made me look back on my life this far and see nothing but regret.should i break up with someone i love so i can go get this out of my system.i had considered suggesting a foursome but he is not into that,he basically did the right thing and got all the crazy sexual experiences out of his system before he started persuing long term relationships....i am so depressed with this

 

[briefboy86]

Its mostlikely because you tried to live a "straight" life and didnt mess around with may guys to really get to know what you like to do, and your current bf had that experience and may have been better at some things and that can make on a little jealous. dont fret about it, if you do its going to cause a strain in the relationship and it could cause lots of issues, think about it and forget about it

 

[stouredcub]

i guess its not that i am jealous that he was with these other people,but rather that i wish i could do these things,i would love to have some random encounters,but i must stress i would never cheat on him.do you guys think its better to call it a day for the relationship so i can go get this stuff out of my system or stay with someone i love?

 

[sixthson]

Why would you regret your life when you have someone who loves you and you love him? You are sabotaging your relationship and you need to ask yourself why? This is not about your lack of sexual experience. This is about something much deeper. Perhaps you should persue that before you seek out random sex partners and end up worse than now with a lifetime of regrets?

 

[stouredcub]

i just dont know,i think i want to experiment and try all the things i never got to growing up because,being from a country town,i had to hide my sexuality.but i dont want to give up a good relationship with someone i love for that?its all very confusing,but its driving me demented that he has had all this experience and i have had nothing but shit with regards being gay,its not been an easy road nor an enjoyable one,and if you dont enjoy being yourself then whats the fucking point of anything.right now i just look back and see a life totally wasted and its hard to bother lookingp to the future when i feel like a waste of oxygen.i guess this whole thing has just opened up a can of worms in me,and now i not only regret my life this far but am finding it hard to be bothered looking forward to what is to come....it just seems like a waste of time

 

[blahman16]

the past is past..

the only thing you can do is to move forward and make the best of the time ahead of you!

 

[stouredcub]

i just dont know,i think i want to experiment and try all the things i never got to growing up because,being from a country town,i had to hide my sexuality.but i dont want to give up a good relationship with someone i love for that?its all very confusing,but its driving me demented that he has had all this experience and i have had nothing but shit with regards being gay,its not been an easy road nor an enjoyable one,and if you dont enjoy being yourself then whats the fucking point of anything.right now i just look back and see a life totally wasted and its hard to bother lookingp to the future when i feel like a waste of oxygen.i guess this whole thing has just opened up a can of worms in me,and now i not only regret my life this far but am finding it hard to be bothered looking forward to what is to come....it just seems like a waste of time

 

[stouredcub]

sorry guys,i am online on my phone and its double posting messages,hope i havent caused any confusion

 

[TX-Beau]

Allrighty. Rule number one, the drama is only as big as you make it. You want some wild time before you get too old for it. OK, perfectly natural, plus you feel that you were cheated out of young gay life because of circumstance. You’re also beating yourself up because you have a boyfriend and you think that it’s some how disloyal maybe to be thinking this? On track here?

First, there are a lot of very out gay men who have little to no experience. Sexual Gymnastics does not make the gay man. There are guys who like their promiscuity gay or straight, there are guys who are home bodies gay or straight. Don’t confuse these two things. Out and Proud gay man, one box – happy slut boy, different box. One is a personality and temperament issue; one is an acceptance of self issue.

Second, stop the freak out, you know what the problem is, make a plan, execute plan. Reassess. Can’t you talk to your BF about this? Is it possible he might be open to exploring this with you? Being guilty of being the aforementioned slut, I’d kinda find it hot, educating my BF in that manner. But that’s just me; he may be the marrying kind, I don’t know him, you do. You’ll never know until you talk it out with him.

Third. Regrets are baggage. You’ll never be 21 again. Sorry to be blunt, you need to get over that. Sometimes you can rectify a regret, usually you can’t. If you feel angry at all the time lost to hiding, repeat step two, make a plan. Decide what you want to do the most, prioritize list, execute. Stop moping about it and go do something about it. Indecision and angst never solved anything at all. It’s your life, seize it, my Daddy always said that if you sit around deciding why something can’t happen, nothing ever will.

Finally, in the meantime, join a gym, read a book, take some classes, make yourself better. Turn yourself into that hot guy you always wanted. The hottest things on the planet are confidence and self esteem, and if you ever decide to play the field, you’ll be prepared.

I highly recommend the workout for stress relief, endorphins are wonderful things.

 

[TX-Beau]

I forgot to mention, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, feelings have no ethical dimension. You should be able to discuss this with the one guy who needs to know, your BF.

A lot of guys will say that you have a BF so you should just be happy with that, but really, this is obviously an issue for you, and there's nothing wrong with at the very least talking this out. You know how to proceed with that better than any of us.

 

[TorontoBoi]

Hi there,

I recently asked my boyfriend to tell me about his sexual past and I am seriously regretting it.I had a really rough time accepting my sexuality when growing up,i always knew i was gay but messed myself up trying to block it out of my mind and live a straight life,i am now 27.
i started dating when i was 24,i met one guy in gaydar who was really nice but after 3 months i realised i didnt feel the same as him so we broke up.i then came out to a few close friends and started adjusting to my sexuality,but i still was scared to go to gay bars (and truth be told,when i did i would never meet anyone i was attracted to anyway). Then I met a friend of a friend and we started seeing each other but he was more interested in going out scoping who was in the clubs and chatting up guys when i wasnt there (still dont know to this day if he cheated on me,its likely).I fell head over heels for this guy but he dropped me once he made some friends on the scene in our town that he could go out with to pick up guys.This fucked me up for a while.after that i had oral with two guys who i didnt even like, and kissed one other guy. Then i met my current boyfriend and we have been together since,going on 3 years.

But recently i asked him about his previous sexual experience and i cant get it out of my head. He said he has only had full sex with two other guys but he has had oral or hand jobs with around 20 guys.and he described going to sex clubs and being in an orgy also. I dont know whether my jealousy is coming from the fact that he was with these people,who were obviously more attractive than I am, or that I am jealous that I never had the chance to do these things growing up as i couldnt come to terms with my sexuality in time to have a normal gay adolescence. It has just made me regret my life this far,all the mistakes i have made and all the things i have done wrong,and is starting to make me feel that my life is over and i am only 27!!!

please can someone with some more experience lend me their advice on how to stop thinking like this,it shouldnt matter,he says he loves me and i love him but I am driving myself wild thinking about all the things i should have done that he did do......

When I read your post, i felt as though I had written it last night and forgot that I did. What you're going through is EXACTLY what i'm going through - everything from the situation, to your ages, length of relationship, to both of your experiences, etc.
I also came rather later into accepting I was gay and found a serious boyfriend relatively quickly. I knew he had come out at an earlier age and therefore experienced more than I did, but when we started dating it seemed like he hasn't been around the block that much. But as we got to know each other more, he'd suddenly mention more and more of his hooks ups, fuck buddies, etc. And it bothers me a lot. Maybe because I never experienced that myself to such an extent, or because I feel that maybe he is more prone to cheat on me as he knows how good it can be 'out there'. I don't know. But it's a horrible feeling to have inside of me. I don't want to lose him because this could potentially be a life long commitment and we'll never find someone else. But I certainly feel like I lost the single life that most people in their twenties experience.
If you wanna PM and talk more, feel free! I wish I had answers for you, but I'm in the same boat..

 

[spencer]

How bout you two hook up with each other?

just kidding.

lemme tell you this, as someone who just broke up with the biggest prospect of my life, I'd trade it ALL to end up happily ever after with someone.

it's okay that you're not ready right now to settle down and you probably shouldn't as a result. If you're not happy so much that your mind wanders and you want to be with other people, why stop yourself. be honest with your BF's though. You spent all your life trying to do what you thought was right (pretending to be straight) so now that you're gay, don't do the same thing by trying again to be something that you think is right (staying in a relationship when you want to be free).

 

[stouredcub]

thanks for all your replies guys.I think it is a self confidence issue,right now i feel completely useless.I just dont know if i can be bothered any more.thanks for your comments and help anyway,i appreciate it

 

[tallguy297]

sorry guys,i am online on my phone and its double posting messages,hope i havent caused any confusion

Its ok mate... cleaned them up for you


As to your question... do you stay or go? Well, thats hard.

Its really common for guys who have come to accept who they are later in life to feel like they missed out on the wild times or the randoms or sowing their wild oats... I know I did for a while too.

Its about priorities mate, and right now even you probably aren't quite sure what they should be.

But look at it this way, the love and security of the arms of someone who cares about you is impossible to replace. And in your heart of hearts you know the difference between the rawness of lust and the warmth of love.

To be curious, to want to try new things, to want to experiment and not care is pretty normal - we all pretty much have been there.

The question really is whether or not the grass is greener on the other side... and the only sure answer to that is that you will want what you dont have for a time. If you choose to leave your guy you'll regret it. If you chose to stay you'll regret it.

So the only answer is to be true to yourself. You know your values, you know your morals and what makes you happy. Only you can decide what life style is whats likely to bring those things to you. And once you make that decision, put it to bed, own the decision.

To pine for what you think you are missing is a recipe for unhappiness... and thats the last thing you want.

 

[TorontoBoi]

Honestly, experimentation is important. It doesn't mean ending the relationship either. Every relationship we have is independent of all the others and has different terms and boundaries. If you have the need for experimentation then it's something you need to do. If you explain it to your boyfriend then you may be able to come to a common ground where both of your needs could be met.

I dont think it works that way. After a three year relationship, you can't just tell your boyfriend you need a break because you wanna go hooking up with people. he will seriously risk losing his love forever. it will turn the relationship up-side-down for sure.

 

[stouredcub]

i just have to say thanks guys,i thought you would all think my problem was kinda stupid,which i guess it is to an extent,but you have all been so good to reply with your advice.with regards taking a break so i can "sow my wild oats" (as it were),that would not be an option,i dont know a lot of men who would wait around for their other half to go and have wild sexual encounters.i think what i would ideally enjoy is to experiment With my man,i dont think he is interested in -somes though...alas i think i will just have to look at it with regret that i didnt get this out of my system sooner or else break off the relationship....the latter is really not an option to be honest,i love him and i believe he loves me.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that he goes on gaydar quite a bit,and although he says he doesnt message people i know he does cos it was on the computer before...is this normal enough?should i be worried!

Well anyway,if any of ya want to suggest things that we could try as partners feel free!i am up for anything once as long as he is comfortable with it!what kind of wild things do you partnered men do with your boyfriends??

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, and just for clarification, you want some experimentation, and your boyfriend is doing the cyber thing on gaydar?

Have you actually discussed the possibility of doing some mutual experimentation?