Jealousy in relationships

[KevinCA]

This is aimed for the older crowd. 21+ and older. preferably but anyone can answer. How do you guys deal with jealousy?

I'm in an odd situtation. Everytime we go clubbing, sometimes my boyfriend dances with other guys. Not innocent dancing, but dirty-grinding action.. if you know what I mean. We both have agreed, that it is OKAY... for us to do so, and that it won't go any further then that cuz we trust each other. It REALLY does bother me though... cause I only want him to dance with me. It's like he's interacting with another person... up-close-and-personal, and I don't like that at all. And I'm afraid if I voice my opinions, he'll feel like he's tied down and being controlled.


The thing is... when he does dance with other guys, he probably comes off as *single* but he's NOT. He's just being social & friendly, I guess. Sometimes, I'm left there next to him & this new guy... dancing alone even!!! We all know grinding at a club leads to touching..... which leads to making out.... which leads to phone numbers being switched.... which leads to sex. Realistically, it won't go that far but for the first 2 steps to happen, oh its realistic alright... I feel like he doesn't know he's sending mixed-single-signals when in reality, he is! Cheating hasn't occurred yet, but it feels like it'll could someday. Like he might get drunk, slip up, loosen up a bit too much and cheat in front of my face. Causing me to get extremely jealous, EXPLODE, and KNOCK the living sh*t out of someone. Literally. And I don't ever want that to happen.

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Anybody ever been in this situation? I'm sure, it's a common one for people in relationships. How do you deal with it and communicate positively? What do you do or say to your partner?

and lastly, am I normal, to feel this way? That he should only be grinding with me and not anybody else? (don't get me wrong, he can dance with other people but not upclose, preferably in a more friendly manner with some DISTANCE inbetween)

 

[Horschallen]

Give him and make him wear a T-shirt saying, "I am already taken."

 

[Horschallen]

And a superwide wedding band on his ring finger.

 

[KevinCA]

Ghostofmoltenrock, your right. He does come home to me every night.

One time I called him out on it, and did so it a nice & polite manner.. and he got ALL defensive about it. What next?

 

[bankside]

Okay. I'm old by your standards. Lol. 36 and in an 11 year relationship.

He could be doing it because he is hoping you will watch and find it really hot and then he looks forward to how horny you will be when he gets you home.

Or he could be doing it because in his mind it is just fun to flirt but he can clearly see the line he would never cross.

Or he could just be indifferent to your feelings.

This is not just about insecurities. It is an interesting question as to what his motivation really is.

You have an understanding that this kind of dancing is okay. You can let him know you aren't happy about it any more, or if you have a little more courage you can admit that you never really were all that cool with it. You don't get to lay down the law however, because he is only doing something you said you were fine with, and he was entitled to believe you.

However there is one more thing you can ask, and that is for a favour. People in solid relationships can ask each other for a favour without always having to explain it. You can say "I know I said this was okay, but I'd like it if you would leave that kind of dancing for me....yeah I know you don't mean anything by it...no I'm not questioning you...yes I know it is innocent...I would just really like it as a favour to me."

In that case it is a favour, and he doesn't have to do it, and you would kind of owe him one. But I would find it really strange that someone who cares about you would ignore a request so simple that would make you so happy. In a good relationship, we all do a lot of unnecessary things for each other just because they will enjoy it. Sometimes, that is the definition of a good relationship.

It doesn't make you a jealous control freak. It makes you someone who cares about him, someone who believes in an exclusive relationship, and it means you know what you need out of a relationship to give your best back into it.

No matter what you decide, don't consider this problem solved until you talk to him. For all I know, I was right with my first guess, and he's putting on a show for your benefit because he figures you like it.

 

[KevinCA]

Bankside, you are not old! i consider 50+ old, heh. And wow! You are AMAZING at giving great advice! I really liked what you said about the whole "favors" thing

However there is one more thing you can ask, and that is for a favour. People in solid relationships can ask each other for a favour without always having to explain it. You can say "I know I said this was okay, but I'd like it if you would leave that kind of dancing for me....yeah I know you don't mean anything by it...no I'm not questioning you...yes I know it is innocent...I would just really like it as a favour to me."

I would of never thought of that. Thank you! You helped a lot, and I truely appreciate what you said... Thank you once again.

 

[KevinCA]

Of course i do Ghost. One time, he spent 5 minutes dancing with me. And 2 hours with random strangers. Boy was I upset beyond words. me and my friends ended up, leaving him alone to do whatever he wanted.. while we chilled in the patio smoking area.

I guess, like most problems... Communication and letting your partner know in a positive manner, is the key to Everything.

 

[Corny]

The thing is... when he does dance with other guys, he probably comes off as *single* but he's NOT. He's just being social & friendly, I guess. Sometimes, I'm left there next to him & this new guy... dancing alone even!!!

My ex was a lot like you, and at one point when he almost exploded because of jealousy we talked about it. I kinda like it when I get attention (who doesn't?) and a boy is giving you looks and comes closer. But I can also understand that this drives him mad. We got that solution .. whenever he feels "left" out or thinks that I am going too far on the dance floor, he has every permission to get in there, and make it clear for everybody that I am HIS And he did that a few times, and not like the jealous boyfriend kind storming on and pulling me off (what I feared), but more like suddenly being behind me grabbing me and giving me a kiss or so. Which of course usually killed off any interest from other guys (not from all of course ).

 

[rareboy]

Unless you get your jealousy under control, your relationship is heading for over.

Corny's approach just might work for you guys as well.

 

[spencer]

why not dance with the other guy on the other side

 

[bankside]

Great. I hope you get somewhere with this.

I have another suggestion, from the world of lawn care. Yes, lawn care! lol

You can spend all day pulling out the weeds or you can just crowd them out by spreading more grass seed and making it easier for the lawn you want to grow.

For the same approach in a relationship, just start doing other things with him instead of going to the club. Movies, galleries, hiking with friends, barbeques etc.. Cut back on the clubbing and if he asks why you can honestly say that you didn't always like the energy on the dance floor, it was getting a little boring, and you are enjoying it more spending time doing other things with him and with both of your friends. There must be other things to do, yeah?

Okay. Now I'm out of ideas!

 

[billybob109]

Of course i do Ghost. One time, he spent 5 minutes dancing with me. And 2 hours with random strangers. Boy was I upset beyond words. me and my friends ended up, leaving him alone to do whatever he wanted.. while we chilled in the patio smoking area.

I guess, like most problems... Communication and letting your partner know in a positive manner, is the key to Everything.

That im sorry is unacceptable. Maybe you guys should not go out so much becuase something is bound to happen im sorry. Next time he does it move in and push the other guy out of the way and tell him that this is your man!

 

[LuvBoys]

I don't know about anything else, but I think the notion that just because someone comes home to you every night means they are faithful is ridiculous. People cheat all the time and still go home to their spouses. That is absolutely no indication they won't step out on you, it just means they might have you fooled.

That being said, I do agree with the part about jealousy coming from your own insecurities, but that doesn't mean it's 100% the cause. When you care about someone so much, and you see them with other people, sometimes that alone is enough to make you jealous. You can be as secure as you want with yourself, but seeing your guy grind on another man shouldn't sit well with anyone.

Relationships are hard, and jealousy is one of the biggest problems that can ruin them. You are going to have to talk to him about it, even if you are afraid of the outcome. Maybe there can be a compromise. If he gets defensive, that isn't a good sign. Couples should be understanding and patient when the other has a problem and being defensive and dismissive isn't going to help things in the future. If you can't talk to him openly about your problems then chances are resentment will build and things won't work out.

 

[racer2438]

*sigh*

You sound like a chick. Your boyfriend is with you, and goes home with you every night! Remember, jealousy is about your own insecurities not him. It's about you. So, either learn to quit being so naggy and clingy or stop suffering in silence. If you can't "live with it" then say something. Your relationship is doomed if you can't even talk out something so simple as this my friend. It reminds me of the dozens of threads on this site complaining about "their boyfriend" looking at porn and it bugging them because somehow they don't feel like they are enough, yet they themselves lose sight of the fact that they are posting their complaints at a gay porn site!

Sorry to give you the paint peeling, honest, unvarnished truth, but it's true.

Very well said....this is on you,

and you are going to be the cause if trouble comes up.

So you better start to change your thinking on this is you dont want it to fall apart..

 

[KevinCA]

Thank you Corny, Bankside, and BlueG! You guys are wonderful at giving advice. It means a lot.

I don't know about anything else, but I think the notion that just because someone comes home to you every night means they are faithful is ridiculous. People cheat all the time and still go home to their spouses. That is absolutely no indication they won't step out on you, it just means they might have you fooled.

That being said, I do agree with the part about jealousy coming from your own insecurities, but that doesn't mean it's 100% the cause. When you care about someone so much, and you see them with other people, sometimes that alone is enough to make you jealous. You can be as secure as you want with yourself, but seeing your guy grind on another man shouldn't sit well with anyone.

Relationships are hard, and jealousy is one of the biggest problems that can ruin them. You are going to have to talk to him about it, even if you are afraid of the outcome. Maybe there can be a compromise. If he gets defensive, that isn't a good sign. Couples should be understanding and patient when the other has a problem and being defensive and dismissive isn't going to help things in the future. If you can't talk to him openly about your problems then chances are resentment will build and things won't work out.

True. Just because boyfriends/husbands come back to you every night, doesn't mean they are faithful. They could be lying / fooling you and be *real good* at it. I've seen it happen several times with friends. Also happens all the time in married relationships too. (straight and gay)

Great advice, thank you.