Jokes

[LeicsDom]

Apparently this is based on an actual radio conversation between the U.S. Navy aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[cityboy-stl]

 

[gsdx]

Wife (on phone to husband): "Honey, there's a problem with the car."
Husband: "What's wrong."
Wife: "There's water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Don't worry. I'll send a tow truck to take it to the shop. Where is it?"
Wife: "At the bottom of the lake."

 

[unloadonme]

Apparently this is based on an actual radio conversation between the U.S. Navy aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Background to this tale:. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighthouse_and_naval_vessel_urban_legend

 

[mikey3000]

A little old lady goes to the doctor for her regular check up. When asked how everything is, the lady replies that she feels fine, no major issues at all except for a small flatulence problem. "Doctor, I don't get it. It doesn't bother me at all.They are silent and dont smell, but I just can't stop passing gas." The doctor is perplexed. He gives her a once over, examining her thoroughly then gives her ear drops to take every few hours. "Start these drops and I'll see you again tomorrow."

Tomorrow comes and the little old lady is back at the doctor's office. When asked again how she feels, she replies, "I dont know why you told me to come back, I told you I feel fine." When asked about her flatulence problem, she replied, " what problem? I can hear them now but that's it."

"Great", replied the doctor, "now lets see about that nose."

 

[Vannie]

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.
He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper

 

[FPNY]

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.
He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper

Ummmmm...ewwwwwwwwwwwww

 

[nycguydowntown]

Old joke but---

what did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing ---they were both stuck up cunts.

 

[Zeno Lorea]

Canadians fault because if he/she say "a lighthouse" at the beginning,
the Americans would have change the course right away !!!

 

[Zeno Lorea]

Another perhaps apocryphal story about Americans takes place in a museum with lots of works by Picasso, like the Ludwig in Cologne or the Picasso Museum in Paris.
In this joke an American woman in the museum's gift shop takes a reproduction from Picasso's blue period to the counter and asks "Do you have this in green?"

Europeans tell this to joke about the supposed ignorance and lack of culture of Americans, but to me it says a lot about the can-do mentality of Americans. If something is succesful in blue, why not also make it in green? Or pink?

Moroccans are more down to earth and wonder if the Europeans telling the joke would be so familiar with Picasso's works, and the different periods (blue, rose, African, etc) they belong to, really?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Hillary Clinton...

 

[gsdx]

I used to help my uncle milk his cows by hand when I was a teen. It was an udderly pleasant experience.

 

[Alistair]

I leave it to the experts

 

[Vannie]

Love that ^

On The View...crap quality but funny


I tried gluten free bread. Needs gluten!

 

[Telstra]

Now thats funny my posts has disappeared ...
But seriously ..............

 

[frankfrank]

Q: What do you call a group of male prostitutes?
A: Peter Sellers.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Schenectady.
Schenectady who?
The back bone Schenectady the hip bone.

Not a joke, just a strange fact:
WHICH state name, if preceded by the pronoun "YOU," and if broken into parts where necessary, will form a GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT full sentence with two opposite actions?
"You Connect, I cut."

I either made up, or noticed accidentally, all of these...

These, I heard somewhere else:
CURIOUS CONTRADICTION: Why do you park in a driveway, but you drive on a parkway?

and...WHY are asteroids something that are far from earth's hemispheres, but hemmorhoids are in your ass?

 

[MALEGALORE]

Simple drawing of two boys. One asks, “what can I do to make you happy?” “Jerk off in front of me”, the other answers