Just broke up amicably, this is my first relationship, I still want him back?

[lurker]

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago. I'm numb. I've talked to my friends, and now I feel like sharing my story with you JUBbers...

He is my first boyfriend and the relationship lasted a year. I am 25, and he is 26. A week before the breakup, we celebrated our one year anniversary….

... and then a couple days before the breakup, we got into a fight through text, so we decided to wait two days to cool down. I went over to his house to have a calm and civil discussion… and we actually got those specific issues sorted out! I thought we were going to be fine...

... and then, suddenly, he said that he "doesn't feel as romantically inclined as he should be at this point in the relationship" because he feels like he lost himself. Since we started dating, he feels like he hasn't had much time to relax on his own, pursue his own hobbies, etc. He feels like that I ask to come over to his house too often, and when he says "no, I need space," he feels bad.

He says that he feels like he really has no time to be in a relationship right now, because being in one means you have to be "selfless," when all he wants to be right now is "selfish" and focus on himself.

... I was stunned. All I heard was the whole "it's not you, it's me" excuse... I couldn't believe he was bringing this up. I kept apologizing for what I did wrong in the relationship, but he got mad and told me to stop saying it was "my fault," because the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship is entirely on him.

I told him, honestly, that I am not prepared for this breakup simply because I am completely not comfortable with the idea of him seeing other people, and that it would break my heart if that happens.

He then replies that he's not doing this so he can look for someone else, and re-iterated that he's doing this for himself...

... but he wants to remain friends. He said that since we have such an incredible friendship, he would like to keep it going, but he doesn't think I'm ready to handle that, because of how sensitive and emotional I can be.

He gave me an ultimatum: either we continue the relationship as friends, or he loses me in his life forever…

For the time being, I told him I choose to keep him in my life, but that I still need some time to process what just happened.

Now here's the catch: We have a California vacation that we planned, a YEAR IN ADVANCE, at the end of August, for a week. He said we can still go, but just as friends, and that he was sorry to talk about being "just friends" right before the vacation. Should I be going on this trip?

Lately, he's also been texting me, asking me how I am doing. I replied every single time, but I never initiate contact… I just feel like I need some space of my own. He tells me not to be afraid to text him, but it's just hard not being able to call him "babe" anymore.

I really want him back, but now that I think back on the relationship, I feel like that if we do get back together, things would have to change...

What should I do? Should I give him space? I feel like I should just give him his space, and see if he misses me. But I don't want to wait for him for too long!

We're planning to hang out next week, and it will be the first time I see him since the break up. He texted me that he misses me and still wants to be able to see me. I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to bring up the relationship again unless he does, but I know this is going to be awkward...

 

[sixthson]

You joined JUB when you were 14?

 

[BiMike]

Seems that your bf is not yet ready for a true relationship whereas you are definately wanting it . Just give him some space and go with the flow, certainly keep him as a friend and go on your planned vacation together. He may get round to the idea that he wants more but it is possible that he is just not the relationship type. In which case it may be time for you to move on . In these circumstances it may be difficult for you to remain just friends but give it some time. Best of luck .

 

[lurker]

Seems that your bf is not yet ready for a true relationship whereas you are definately wanting it . Just give him some space and go with the flow, certainly keep him as a friend and go on your planned vacation together. He may get round to the idea that he wants more but it is possible that he is just not the relationship type. In which case it may be time for you to move on . In these circumstances it may be difficult for you to remain just friends but give it some time. Best of luck .

Thank you so much. "Going with the flow" is certainly what I have in mind. We're both still really excited for the vacation, and we were just texting about it recently talking about our plans for it...

sixthson, hence my username, haha. This website wasn't even called "justusboys" back then, from what I remember.

 

[sixthson]

Give him the space he asked for. Continue not to text him. He is the one who told you that you were coming over too often. Were you being needy? When someone you love says he just wants to be friends, it sounds like the end of romance. You should accept that and move on, don't keep waiting for him to change his mind. What would prevent him from doing this again? If you think it will be too painful to be just friends, then put space between the two of you. As for the vacation, he repeated that it would be only as friends. It sounds like you are hoping it could turn into more.

 

[lurker]

Give him the space he asked for. Continue not to text him. He is the one who told you that you were coming over too often. Were you being needy?

Yes, being "needy" was a problem early on in our relationship that we both acknowledged, and I believe it continued to be, because in our last argument, he did say that I was "losing respect for the time he needs to be independent and alone" and that this was going on for a while, but he "bottled it up" because he wanted to avoid another face-to-face conversation about our relationship.

Another thing that annoyed him greatly was that, a couple of months ago, I confessed to him that I read relationship books, which changed the way he looked at me. This is my first relationship ever, so I don't have experience to go off of. I read these books to help teach me the values of good communication... but when I told him this, he felt like he was dating a book, and that everything I ever did, say, or act was from something I read about. He said that there is no "definitive way" to be in a relationship, and that I can't put it down into words as to how things work and what happens or how to act, that it's all "trial and error" to find where I fit into my own place in a relationship, not what some author or someone on the internet told me to be or do.

When someone you love says he just wants to be friends, it sounds like the end of romance. You should accept that and move on, don't keep waiting for him to change his mind. What would prevent him from doing this again? If you think it will be too painful to be just friends, then put space between the two of you.

That's the most heartbreaking part. We've been together for a whole year.

It's really painful to me to think that somewhere along the line, his romantic feelings for me faded... or maybe even died? ... that's what hurts the most. I keep telling myself that maybe he really DOES just needs some space to think and really decide if he has time for a relationship, and that he does have some romantic feelings for me... the last date we had together, he initiated, be bought us our favorite wine, and we went to his house and prepared dinner together...

... but at the same time, I also asked myself, what made him think he was ready for a relationship when we first met?

When you ask me what would prevent him from doing this again, that's the hardest question. I feel like there would need to be a drastic change. The reason why he feels like he needs space is because he works 40 hour work weeks, and on those 5 days, he simply wakes up before work, goes to work, then goes back home, it's basically a robotic cycle. And then on the two days that he actually DOES have off, he uses that time to relax and get errands done. But ever since I came into the picture, he said that it was difficult trying to fit someone special into all of this, because that meant less relaxation time for him.

So I think, if we were to ever be in a relationship again, we both need to change. He would either have to manage his time better, or find another job... and I would have to be more independent and keep myself occupied, because I do find myself going to his house a lot.

(Another reason why I only go to his house is because I'm not out to my parents, and I currently live with them... so he doesn't have a place to come over to, and felt like that we only always go to his house. He doesn't want to pressure me to come out.)

As for the vacation, he repeated that it would be only as friends. It sounds like you are hoping it could turn into more.

That hope is still there in the back of my mind.

 

[emancipado]

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago. I'm numb. I've talked to my friends, and now I feel like sharing my story with you JUBbers...

He is my first boyfriend and the relationship lasted a year. I am 25, and he is 26. A week before the breakup, we celebrated our one year anniversary….

... and then a couple days before the breakup, we got into a fight through text, so we decided to wait two days to cool down. I went over to his house to have a calm and civil discussion… and we actually got those specific issues sorted out! I thought we were going to be fine...

... and then, suddenly, he said that he "doesn't feel as romantically inclined as he should be at this point in the relationship" because he feels like he lost himself. Since we started dating, he feels like he hasn't had much time to relax on his own, pursue his own hobbies, etc. He feels like that I ask to come over to his house too often, and when he says "no, I need space," he feels bad.

He says that he feels like he really has no time to be in a relationship right now, because being in one means you have to be "selfless," when all he wants to be right now is "selfish" and focus on himself.

... I was stunned. All I heard was the whole "it's not you, it's me" excuse... I couldn't believe he was bringing this up. I kept apologizing for what I did wrong in the relationship, but he got mad and told me to stop saying it was "my fault," because the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship is entirely on him.

I told him, honestly, that I am not prepared for this breakup simply because I am completely not comfortable with the idea of him seeing other people, and that it would break my heart if that happens.

He then replies that he's not doing this so he can look for someone else, and re-iterated that he's doing this for himself...

... but he wants to remain friends. He said that since we have such an incredible friendship, he would like to keep it going, but he doesn't think I'm ready to handle that, because of how sensitive and emotional I can be.

He gave me an ultimatum: either we continue the relationship as friends, or he loses me in his life forever…

For the time being, I told him I choose to keep him in my life, but that I still need some time to process what just happened.

Now here's the catch: We have a California vacation that we planned, a YEAR IN ADVANCE, at the end of August, for a week. He said we can still go, but just as friends, and that he was sorry to talk about being "just friends" right before the vacation. Should I be going on this trip?

Lately, he's also been texting me, asking me how I am doing. I replied every single time, but I never initiate contact… I just feel like I need some space of my own. He tells me not to be afraid to text him, but it's just hard not being able to call him "babe" anymore.

I really want him back, but now that I think back on the relationship, I feel like that if we do get back together, things would have to change...

What should I do? Should I give him space? I feel like I should just give him his space, and see if he misses me. But I don't want to wait for him for too long!

We're planning to hang out next week, and it will be the first time I see him since the break up. He texted me that he misses me and still wants to be able to see me. I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to bring up the relationship again unless he does, but I know this is going to be awkward...

Dear Jubber, I am sorry you broke up. When I broke up with my ex, It was just like you guys. we got back together but again, didn't work. He said we could be friends, and we are, but we don't see each other that much, my advice is to stay away from him as much as possible, or you will never heal. There are people who just wanna keep you close to make themselves feel better, don't fall for that. Don't go on vacation with him. Let him miss you, just disappear on him. It is not healthy to pretend everything is fine after a break up, act like friends, when you're dying inside. I did that, and Im doing great ! Good Luck!

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.

 

[emancipado]

He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.

I totally agree !!!

 

[KaraBulut]

Bottom line: this guy isn't ready for a relationship.

Nothing you do, or say will likely change that.

The two questions for you are:

1. Can you deal with having this guy around in my life as just a friend? You wouldn't be the first person who put an ex out their life because it was just too painful to try to be friends and sometimes the power to do so is helpful in the healing process.
2. Which of your really great friends are you going to take on that California vacation with you?

 

[emancipado]

you should go with a fuckbuddy to California, you won't have time to think about your ex jejejej

 

[Azshane]

He sounds like a total self centered prick. He makes the rules, he calls the shots, he decides what HE wants out of the relationship/friendship... and you... can take it or leave it. Yet he's texting just enough to keep you hanging on - probably just in case he decides he wants sex with you again somewhere down the road. That too, will be on HIS terms.

I'm guessing he jumped into the relationship when it was 'fun' and the sex was non-stop. Now that he has to face the realities of a relationship, and realizes just what hard work they really are, and that you have to make sacrifices he's back peddling you into just being a hook up when he's horny... assuming he's not already doing other guys as well.

If *I* were you, I wouldn't play his on again off again - On HIS terms only games and would move on and find someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Perhaps somewhere MONTHS down the road you two can be friends again, but right now *I* would give him just what he asked for... His SPACE. Don't be his door mat. You deserve better.

I completly agree with this ^

 

[lurker]

Hey guys, it's been a month since my breakup, and I just wanted to post an update.

I'm hanging in there. I still feel numb, but there are weak moments where I find myself missing him so much. I've been going to the gym 6 days a week and I got two friends to join me so we could motivate each other. I've been eating healthier and I've lost some body fat %. I want to do good for myself, y'know?

As for my ex, we're still friendly and civil with each other. I never initiate contact or text him, but he still texts me sometimes, and I text back. We hung out twice at his house. It's strange, because he still has the pictures of us as a couple up on display -- but instead of it being in his bedroom, he moved it out to the living room.

We talked about the trip to California, and agreed we would go on it as friends. He said this is "still our trip together," and that he still wants to go with me. We're going for a convention, and he said he wouldn't want to go at all if I wasn't going.

... now here's the interesting part of the story. I decided that, since I'm single again, I would download grindr. I just wanted to have NSA post-breakup-sex. I've had a couple safe flings, but that's it. I DO NOT have a profile picture set up, as I'm trying to be discreet about hooking up.

When I was hanging out with my ex the other day, he went to the bathroom... I logged into my grindr on my phone, and lo and behold, the guy that was closest to me was my ex!!

And he has TWO profiles!!

This was my immediate reaction: He said he didn't break up with me to look for other people! He even said Grindr was a disgusting app and would never download it again!

... but I learned words are just words and that actions speak louder than that... I realize that he's single, and the moment we broke up, what he does with his sex life is none of my business... but it still fucking hurts to find this out.

I found his profiles... yes, two of them. One of them is a face picture of him that I took, and on this profile he's just "looking for friends and chat" and no relationship.

On his second one, which I assume is on his iPad, is just a torso picture, and he photoshopped his tattoos out... and on the description for this, he said he was "craving sugar" and was "looking for a gen daddy to spend his time with" and was looking for a "serious arrangement that is beneficial to us both "

... when I read that profile, I was disgusted. MY EX IS LOOKING TO HOOK UP WITH SUGAR DADDIES!!! WHAT THE FREAKING HECK!!??

I can't look at him the same way. And now I have a week long trip with this guy?!

I still have stuff over at his house...

I'm making the pain of this breakup even worse for me by finding out that he's looking to hookup with other guys. Like I said in my previous post, I wasn't ready for the idea of him sleeping with other people, or being in a relationship with someone else... but he got into this so fast.

I'm sad you guys. :[

 

[Telstra]

Just give your bf what he wants.
That is "friends with benefits" ...

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He keeps being a lying jerk, and you keep missing him? It's your life, but I think you'd be far better off cutting ties and moving on. He's a bad bf, and a bad friend. You deserve better.

 

[Telstra]

He keeps being a lying jerk, and you keep missing him? It's your life, but I think you'd be far better off cutting ties and moving on. He's a bad bf, and a bad friend. You deserve better.

Judgmental much ?

 

[lurker]

I don't even think I can be "Friends with benefits" with him because he hasn't approached me for sex, and neither have I approached him.

I just really don't understand where this whole "sugar daddy" thing came from. He has told me when we were in a relationship that he knows a couple sugar daddies, and has dated a few before me... sugar daddies pay him to have sex right? That's... that's disgusting. ugh. The idea of HIM doing it disgusts me. I'm sorry if I offended any sugar daddies here, but that's just how I feel.

 

[Telstra]

Well, just don't push him away.
You do what you want for yourself and he do what he want for himself.

 

[Seasoned]

Unless two people feel the same way and have no regrets or jealousy it has always seemed strange to me that a former couple would, could or should stay friends. If you continue to be worried or hurt by him please consider dropping him from your life and moving on. As I read through this thread I can't help thinking that you want him to change and that you want him back. If that's the case, remaing friends will prevent you from healing and moving on. It appears that he misses his old life and needs attention and gifts or support from older guys. Do consider letting go especially if you keep spending time checking up on him with discussing it with him. This is a no win situation for you.