This is a huge, huge post, so no one feel obligated to read it through or comment. I'm just trying to get it out somewhere.
So recently, my Spring Break plans were to go to visit my cousinin New Orleans and then visit my friend Nick in San Francisco.
My dad called me after I told them what my plans were and told me that he didn't want me to go to San Fran because Nick made him uncomfortable (my parents have met him before) and he didn't like him because he's gay. This launched the two of us into a difficult conversation for him where I basically calmly tried to help him through his issues with my sexuality. It ended with me feeling sort of crappy becuase my dad revealed that he felt we were doomed to lives of unhappiness because my happiness will mean their worry and sadness for 'living the gay lifestyle' and my attempts to make them happy would mean my unhappiness. It also put me in a place where I no longer felt uncomfortable bringing up my sexuality with my parents and that I could bring them to a place where they could eventually talk to someone, like PFLAG members and come to terms with all their guilt and shame and anger.
So I still needed to talk to my mom because tickets were getting pricier and I needed to run it by her just to let her know and hopefully also work her over like I did with my dad.
But, it didn't go as planned. We talked, and I did the same thing with her. I remained calm and logical and patient while trying to get her to go through her issues and why she feels the way she does, why she doesn't like Nick other than for the fact that he's gay when she says she doesn't even know him, her issues with my sexuality, her hopes and disappointments in me because "I'm not staying open minded" about my sexuality and still choose to be gay, why I think LGBT's are normal, decent people, etc. etc. She eventually got so unpset and hysterical that my dad grabbed the phone and told me to stop and hung up.
So I called back so that we could keep talking because I didn't want to let them stagnate with their feelings and wanted to really push my mom and not give up on her. I didn't want to give up on her. We continued talking and I think because she couldn't come up with a reason for just "what and when" supposedly "influenced" me into being gay though she was so sure of it, she began screaming into the phone "I know you were influenced! I KNOW YOU WERE INFLUENCED! I KNOW YOU WERE INFLUENCED!"
All the while, I told her to calm down so we could keep talking. She finally screamed "I DON'T HAVE TO CALM DOWN! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"
So my dad grabbed the phone and yelled at me asking me why I was doing this and why I was making my mom cry and ketp yelling over the phone. I told him that I felt this was necessary if things were going to get better (it's been 4 years of awkwardness. My dad didn't bring it up int he 4 years since I came out because we let it be a 'taboo' topic, which I was trying to change and my mom didn't talk about it apprently because she wanted to give me space to meet the 'right' people in college who would show me that 'this is not normal' and would show me that 'I wasn't gay and that gay wasn't normal').
He called me a liar and said that he didn't believe anything I had to say. I asked him if he really thought I would do anything to hurt my mom. He said, "You're a liar. Don't call back here ever again. You were never born, alright?" And then he hung up.
So it didn't really make me feel as terrible as I thought it would. In fact, I didn't feel hurt at all, just frustrated that they were acting this way and that what I had hoped for (steering them towards talking with someone who could understand them). Myabe it was one of those things I even wanted in some way. I dunno.
But I called my cousin because I needed someone to talk to.
I just don't really know what it all means. My cousin is convinced that my parents were just speaking out of the moment and I agree with him that based on our relationship, there's no way they would abandon me. However, my dad is really sensitive about it ever being perceived that he and my mother don't love me. Both of them always get really hurt and offended when it's implied or questioned that they don't care about me. So him saying that seems to mean more based on what I know.
Also, if that's the case, then I'm not supposed to call back "ever again" (and I don't plan on it). I may be running out of cash, but I have a job and I can work more hours and I should be able to pay rent and eat sparingly. I don't know what I'll do about school, but I only have one semester left. If I've really been disowned (which is less likely than not) then I'll find a way to deal with it. But either way, right now, I'm preparing for it as if I have so I can be somewhat secure for a bit.
After talking to my cousin, I also came to the conclusion that thinking that I could get my parents to do a 180 or even start trying so that the three of us could be happy and I could live my life without their constant guilt and 'worry' was probably not plausible. I think I'm going to have to live my life as highest priority and just push through any bad feeligns that come with their disapproval. I can't let their disapproval stop me from living my life. I only have one, right?
It's just going to be rough.
And after all of it, I found that I was too late and while air fare to San Fran is still relatively cheap, tickets to New Orleans were very expensive. So since I don't have the money, I opted to just go to New Orleans because alone, it's not too expensive. Just trying to squeeze in the dates and ticket prices for both would bankrupt my meager student bank account.
It's just that, I'm sort of still dealing with it now. I'm not hurt or really messed up, it's just kind of disheartening because I thought I really had an oppurtunity to get us all to the goal line where we were all okay and this wasn't what I wanted to happen at all. The thing is, it's not sending me reeling because I probably shoul have expected htis knowing my parents and I shoudl have known that sudper happy endings don't always happen, no matter what you try to do.
But I think my dad will understand the implications of what he said. I wonder if he's going to apologize or if he means it. Either way, I'm okay with. The dilemma now is whether or not I should contact them to tell them where I'll be during spring break. It doesn't include them, because I can get rides to and from the airport just fine, but it seems like the responsible thing to do. I just don't want to disturb them until they're ready to behave. There has to be a way to leave them information ("just so you know where I am and don't pop a vessel") while making it clear that there is no need for us to communicate any more about it until they're collected.
What a mess. I just have to plan my finances. Miso soup, crackers, whatever's left in my pantry, and sandwiches for $3.75 with a $130 pay check ever two weeks. I can just slowly save up if I don't spend much.
It could all blow over if it turns out my parents aren't going to cut me off (which is very possible) but I just need to be ready anyway.
Well, at least it's over. I must be really well adjusted or something.
So recently, my Spring Break plans were to go to visit my cousinin New Orleans and then visit my friend Nick in San Francisco.
My dad called me after I told them what my plans were and told me that he didn't want me to go to San Fran because Nick made him uncomfortable (my parents have met him before) and he didn't like him because he's gay. This launched the two of us into a difficult conversation for him where I basically calmly tried to help him through his issues with my sexuality. It ended with me feeling sort of crappy becuase my dad revealed that he felt we were doomed to lives of unhappiness because my happiness will mean their worry and sadness for 'living the gay lifestyle' and my attempts to make them happy would mean my unhappiness. It also put me in a place where I no longer felt uncomfortable bringing up my sexuality with my parents and that I could bring them to a place where they could eventually talk to someone, like PFLAG members and come to terms with all their guilt and shame and anger.
So I still needed to talk to my mom because tickets were getting pricier and I needed to run it by her just to let her know and hopefully also work her over like I did with my dad.
But, it didn't go as planned. We talked, and I did the same thing with her. I remained calm and logical and patient while trying to get her to go through her issues and why she feels the way she does, why she doesn't like Nick other than for the fact that he's gay when she says she doesn't even know him, her issues with my sexuality, her hopes and disappointments in me because "I'm not staying open minded" about my sexuality and still choose to be gay, why I think LGBT's are normal, decent people, etc. etc. She eventually got so unpset and hysterical that my dad grabbed the phone and told me to stop and hung up.
So I called back so that we could keep talking because I didn't want to let them stagnate with their feelings and wanted to really push my mom and not give up on her. I didn't want to give up on her. We continued talking and I think because she couldn't come up with a reason for just "what and when" supposedly "influenced" me into being gay though she was so sure of it, she began screaming into the phone "I know you were influenced! I KNOW YOU WERE INFLUENCED! I KNOW YOU WERE INFLUENCED!"
All the while, I told her to calm down so we could keep talking. She finally screamed "I DON'T HAVE TO CALM DOWN! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"
So my dad grabbed the phone and yelled at me asking me why I was doing this and why I was making my mom cry and ketp yelling over the phone. I told him that I felt this was necessary if things were going to get better (it's been 4 years of awkwardness. My dad didn't bring it up int he 4 years since I came out because we let it be a 'taboo' topic, which I was trying to change and my mom didn't talk about it apprently because she wanted to give me space to meet the 'right' people in college who would show me that 'this is not normal' and would show me that 'I wasn't gay and that gay wasn't normal').
He called me a liar and said that he didn't believe anything I had to say. I asked him if he really thought I would do anything to hurt my mom. He said, "You're a liar. Don't call back here ever again. You were never born, alright?" And then he hung up.
So it didn't really make me feel as terrible as I thought it would. In fact, I didn't feel hurt at all, just frustrated that they were acting this way and that what I had hoped for (steering them towards talking with someone who could understand them). Myabe it was one of those things I even wanted in some way. I dunno.
But I called my cousin because I needed someone to talk to.
I just don't really know what it all means. My cousin is convinced that my parents were just speaking out of the moment and I agree with him that based on our relationship, there's no way they would abandon me. However, my dad is really sensitive about it ever being perceived that he and my mother don't love me. Both of them always get really hurt and offended when it's implied or questioned that they don't care about me. So him saying that seems to mean more based on what I know.
Also, if that's the case, then I'm not supposed to call back "ever again" (and I don't plan on it). I may be running out of cash, but I have a job and I can work more hours and I should be able to pay rent and eat sparingly. I don't know what I'll do about school, but I only have one semester left. If I've really been disowned (which is less likely than not) then I'll find a way to deal with it. But either way, right now, I'm preparing for it as if I have so I can be somewhat secure for a bit.
After talking to my cousin, I also came to the conclusion that thinking that I could get my parents to do a 180 or even start trying so that the three of us could be happy and I could live my life without their constant guilt and 'worry' was probably not plausible. I think I'm going to have to live my life as highest priority and just push through any bad feeligns that come with their disapproval. I can't let their disapproval stop me from living my life. I only have one, right?
It's just going to be rough.
And after all of it, I found that I was too late and while air fare to San Fran is still relatively cheap, tickets to New Orleans were very expensive. So since I don't have the money, I opted to just go to New Orleans because alone, it's not too expensive. Just trying to squeeze in the dates and ticket prices for both would bankrupt my meager student bank account.
It's just that, I'm sort of still dealing with it now. I'm not hurt or really messed up, it's just kind of disheartening because I thought I really had an oppurtunity to get us all to the goal line where we were all okay and this wasn't what I wanted to happen at all. The thing is, it's not sending me reeling because I probably shoul have expected htis knowing my parents and I shoudl have known that sudper happy endings don't always happen, no matter what you try to do.
But I think my dad will understand the implications of what he said. I wonder if he's going to apologize or if he means it. Either way, I'm okay with. The dilemma now is whether or not I should contact them to tell them where I'll be during spring break. It doesn't include them, because I can get rides to and from the airport just fine, but it seems like the responsible thing to do. I just don't want to disturb them until they're ready to behave. There has to be a way to leave them information ("just so you know where I am and don't pop a vessel") while making it clear that there is no need for us to communicate any more about it until they're collected.
What a mess. I just have to plan my finances. Miso soup, crackers, whatever's left in my pantry, and sandwiches for $3.75 with a $130 pay check ever two weeks. I can just slowly save up if I don't spend much.
It could all blow over if it turns out my parents aren't going to cut me off (which is very possible) but I just need to be ready anyway.
Well, at least it's over. I must be really well adjusted or something.
