Just me bitching and complaining and needing a hug

[anthony87]

Hi fellow JUBers!

First, I’d like to thank everyone who makes posts on this specific part of the forum. Reading other people’s problems and brilliant responses to them has surely helped me on my way of becoming comfortable with being the gay man that I am.

I’m an occasional lurker on this site and I rarely post anything myself. But for some reason March always seems to be the month when I feel lonely, dissatisfied with my life and feel the need to open up to someone. So what I'm gonna do is to just ramble here a bit and at the same time I’ll try to make at least a bit of sense. And then, hopefully, some of you will respond in some way or another.

The problem I’ve got is my lack of social life, and especially “gay life” (I couldn’t come up with any other term than that). By that I mean that even though I’ve known I’m gay for about 1½ years and been quite comfortable with that, pretty much nothing has happened ever since. OK, I did come out to my sister a year ago and I suppose that’s something. But no-one else knows I’m gay, I have no gay friends and I don’t even know anyone else who’s gay.

And I don’t know how to change that. That’s partly a reason why I haven’t come out to anyone else, as I always end up thinking that it’s not gonna benefit me at all. And the reason why I think that is because I don’t know how to get a boyfriend or even gay friends as I live in a small town in Finland where there are no gay bars or gay activity groups. And even if there was any, I’d probably be too afraid to engage in such activities, because I am afraid of being labelled gay. I suppose I could handle that if I had more friends, especially gay ones, but as that’s not the case then… I simply end up doing nothing. So you see, it all goes in vicious circles.

That’s why my response to this problem has been to simply ignore it. I guess that’s a self-defence mechanism of some sort. I’ve convinced myself that I’m just fine with the way things are, that I really don’t need a boyfriend or anyone to share these specific problems with. And even if I do, I can easily wait for a few years; things will sort out automatically. Just some goddamn mumbo-jumbo, abracadabra, and everything's all right. One day that Mr. Right knocks on my door, we’ll have wild sex together and live happily together until the end of our lives. And at the same time everyone else on the planet magically knows that I’m gay and delightfully share my joy. And it's all great and fun!

So, what do I do? I end up watching gay porn and thinking that it’s all I need for now. And then I’ll notice that I’m constantly dreaming about that “magical day” described above and realise that it’s not gonna happen if I don’t do something about it. Of course I do realise that things could never go like they do in story books, but I strive for at least a little progress.

And this is the way I almost always handle my personal problems; I keep them to myself and ignore them. It’s actually pretty strange how I’m always keen on hearing about other people’s problems and like to be all listening and supportive, but I don’t allow that to myself. I always think I can figure everything out myself and shouldn’t complain as I have “nothing to complain about”. And at the same time I have a need to do the exact opposite.

Hopefully at least a few of you read the whole post and have something to say. Comments, advice, it’s all welcome. But I know I'm already feeling a lot better now that I've let this shit out at least somewhere, so again I'm really happy that this type of forum exists.

Thanks in advance!

 

[giorgiobaby]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

You could look into social groups that have some of the same interests you do, or check into some of the local gay groups in your area, you don't have to declare anything. Look online or maybe call some to see what they entail. Good luck and hope you find some help with this.

 

[kramer362]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

Wow, you sound exactly like me...

Here's to never learning how to take an active part in your own life!

 

[Rand]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

You know the problem, if you need permission to start working on the solution, then "Yes, go for it."

Unfortunately, to achieve, you have to be active. To achieve a "gay life", you need to mingle and, like mentioned above, look for opportunities in your area to meet like-mined people.

Check out social groups that share your interests. Find them in the larger cities and communicate to see if there are venues near to where you live.

We are everywhere. We are a part of the normal world. We deserve happiness too; but no one deserve things just handed to them, they should invest in achieving them.

take care and celebrate your life.

 

[anthony87]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

Thanks for the responses!

Yeah, I guess the choices are either to be ignorant (as I've been so far), to be depressed and self-pitying (as I've been for the last week) or to actually do something about the way things are going (what I should do). There's no magical fourth option in sight, and neither there should be as been pointed out.

It's actually pretty strange how I've become this overly withdrawn guy that I am at the moment, because it certainly hasn't always been this way. As a kid I used to be very extroverted, constantly talking and it certainly wasn't hard for me to socialize back then. Perhaps I've grown these personal traits when I was in junior high, trying to fit in and make myself as invisible as I could in the fear of bullying.

And while this might have helped me survive those times, it's certainly not helping me at this point of my life. And rather than dwelling on it, I should overcome it and move on. I don't know, should I also visit a psychologist or something?

But yeah, I'll try to search the Internet to see if there are any social groups of my interest and at the same time, pull myself together.

 

[asian87]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

I thought I had written this. We are very similar. Your Mr Right, some day he will come to you by surprise.

 

[torand]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

As someone who has never had many gay friends, I understand where you are coming from. Luckily I have very supportive straight friends. I struggled with the idea that I would never meet anyone because I don't really like bars, and I didn't have many gay friends (Like one at the time). Once I took the initiative to look for events (I went to a gay volleyball game), I met a lot of nice friendly people and ended up dating one of them for 4 years . You will find something when you least expect it, but it does require initiative.

Also, , everyone should get a hug when they need one.

 

[michaelarchangel]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

I have a wide age range of friends...the guys my age all say i wish i had come out earlier in my life instead of hiding from myself. The younger guys act like its no big deal. So advice is this, don't let the fear of someone else's opinion of you or your sexual desires stop you from having a great youth. Gay Str8 makes no difference, you still have to ask for what you want before you can get it. Also check this out http://www.seta.fi/ they may have links for you.

 

[slnattak]

Re: Just me bitching and complaining and needing a

Right. It's also just too contrived to wait for a perfect time and place. Although you could benefit from therapy perhaps since you seem like a lot of people are 'stuck.'

I understand it's a hard time. But how can we help you if you're not willing to help yourself? You already realize that the internalized self-hating gay thing you're doing is getting you nowhere. So.. how can you love yourself? I'm sorry but only you have those answers to those questions. IT usually starts by just getting involved with things and getting off your lazy ass, off the internet and finding other social groups to belong to.