I used to keep a blog or really a journal a few years ago on live journal but never kept it up. This is my first post on JustUsBoys and I'm not sure if I'll keep this one up or not.I've been thinking quite a lot this past week about my childhood. For the most part, it was actually really, really good. I was the child of a single parent family, but had amazing support from my grandparents whom I stayed with just about every weekend. I absolutely adored my grandfather, he was definitely the father figure in my life. He was the man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to build things and fix things, we would go walks together and he would teach me about things in the world and more than any other person, instilled a lot of values in my life. I still miss him so much after 12 years of his passing.
So, childhood was generally great up until the age of about 13. That's when all the confusion kicked in. I was never the butchest of kids, but at the same time, I certainly wasn't a sissy type of boy, I was just pretty much somewhere in the middle; not great at sports bu willing to give it a try, good at academic subjects and popular amongst my classmates in school.
At the beginning of high school, we moved to a different area and I had to start at a new school than the one all my friends would be going to. I was nervous but not really overly concerned. I was never the kid that made friends really easily. I was always slightly wary of people and took things slowly, but I did quite quickly make some new friends among my classmates and things were going generally ok. I think that my first year went pretty much ok and I made friends with a guy in the year above me who stayed nearby and we became really quite close. We would walk to and from school together and hang out in the evenings. He was definitely the closest friend that I had had up til then. We shared our thoughts and what we did in private, to me he was like a one year older big brother and looking back on it all, I had a bit of a crush on him.
In my second year at high schhol, One evening we were hanging out with another one of his friends from the year above me in the other guys house and somehow we managed to get into playing a game of strip poker. I think just the way that teenage boys want to experiment and see what each other look like. So it was all cool, I think we all ended up mostly naked and saw each other in the buff. I felt myself getting quite turned on seeing the other boys naked, but I didn't get hard or anything. Anyway, next day at school, I happened to mention the event to one of my friends from class and he must have started spreading it around without my knowledge. After school n the walk home, the other guy from the strip poker game came running up to me and accused me of being a dirty poof and punched me in the face. I pissed myself. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, shocked and sore. Humiliated. I didn't cry but walked home as quickly as I could to get cleaned up and changed.
Things got steadily worse that year. I was confused as to why I was attracted to some of the guys in my year and not attracted to any girls at all. When I was home wanking, I would be thinking about my friend and about touching each others cocks. That was what was getting me off. After the punching incident, we had drifted apart as I think he was getting a hard time from his peer group thathe was hanging around with the gay kid. I befriended a few guys from my own year and we would hang out together at break times and stuff. They were all a bit geeky and slightly weird, but they seemed to find me funny and we all got on ok. There was one guy who became my best friend and we spent some time in each others company after school too.
One day after gym class, we were showering and I caught sight of another guy in my year and his massive (for a 14 year old) cock. I passed some comment to my friend afterwards along the lines of "did you see Ricky's cock back there? It's fucking huge!"
Things went rapidly downhill in my life from that point.
The next week, I found that very few people would talk to me. There was a rumour going around that I was gay. It seemed no one wanted to be associated with someone who might be gay in case they too got caught up in it all. Even a lot of the girls wouldn't talk to me. I was the social pariah. Life was miserable. Some people asked me outright if I was gay and I flatly denied it. Looking back, I didn't even know for sure myself. All I knew was that I had an attraction to boys and so far none to girls, but I told myself to give things time and that maybe by the time I was 16, I would be. The outcast thing continued for the rest of that school year and most of the next. I tried to hetero up and finally got some acceptance back into the peer group. I had a good idea who had spread the rumours and that person was my supposed best friend from my own year.
(I met this same guy years and years later and it turns out that he is also gay and spread the stories about me to deflect attention away from him. Go figure.)
I couldn't discuss things with my mum as I just felt too embarrassed about it and most importantly, I didnt WANT to be gay! I wanted to be 'normal' and just be a 'normal' boy. Why did this have to be inflicted upon me? I was normal in every other respect. Why couldn't I just fancy girls?
Frustration and anger seemed to be inside me all the time and especially in school. I lashed out one day at my chemistry teacher and swore at her and told her she was a fucking cow. I feel so ashamed of my behaviour towards her. She just had a certain manner about her that rubbed me up the wrong way and I had lashed out. I was hauled off to see the head of department to explain myself and I couldn't give any rational explanation. I was sent to see my guidance teacher who tried to get an explanation from me. I gave some lame excuse that my grandmother and I had been arguing (which was true) and that it might be to do with that. That I felt stressed. Truth was that I felt like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. It was the 'gay' thing that was occupying my mind all of the time and I was doing my very best to keep it well hidden.
I was asking girls out and snogging girls at the end of term school dance. I wasn't getting turned on by any of it, but at the same time I was proving to everyone that I wasn't gay after all.
One day I got home and was looking through my school bag and found a hand written note at the bottom of it. It was from the supposed best friend who had outed me and he wanted to meet up in the park and we could get together in a gay sense. I was shit scared and didn't go, as I didn't trust him for it not to be some kind of set up. It went through my mind for weeks and nothing was said in school at all. I was so fucked up it was just ridiculous.
Towards the end of 3rd year, me and some other guys from my year started a band together and things got a bit better with folks actually talking to me again. I somehow had managed to pull off being straight, but I made really sure never to let my guard down again. I would be careful not to look at guys in any way that could be construed as being sexual and I never ever said anything about any guys body or cock.
In 4th year, I kept up the charade. I was 15 by this point and still had zero attraction to girls and constantly had to try to not think about boys. I didn't want to be gay. Why the fuck should I have to be gay?! It was so unfair!
I took my end of year exams and on my 16th birthday in May after exams were finished, I walked out of school and never went back. This was a ridiculous decision. I was a clever kid. I had been top of my year in primary school, had got decent grades in 7 subjects in high school and should have been going back for 5th and 6th years, but I just couldn't face the place any more.
I spent the summer at my grandparents place and hung out with my friends from over there. We were heavily into BMX bikes and had helped to build a quarter pipe on a piece if waste ground nearby, and a whole bunch of local kids hung out there from early morning until dark. I was 16 and horny as fuck and not getting anything. I can remember I was chatting to one of the guys that I had gotten to know from outside my usual circle of friends and we were just hanging out on the bikes at this waste ground. He kinda pulled down the waist band of his jeans and I got to see his pubes and the top of his cock. I thought I might shoot my load in my pants right there...
Fuck, I had never felt so turned on and yet I couldn't say anything. I wanked over the thought of that scene for weeks.
There was another guy that I had a major crush on too. He was a year older than me, but was a kid who seemed like he might be a bit younger. He hadn't developed physically as quickly as I had, but he was absolutely gorgeous to me. I didn't just want to do dirty stuff to him, I wanted to actually be with him and spend time in his company. Fuck! The frustration level was mental!
I was going to house parties and getting drunk on cider and trying to get various girls pants off, all because it was what I was supposed to be doing, and any time I did get with a girl, it was one boy or other that I would be thinking about. So. Fucked. Up. I would end up leaving these parties and walking home crying and not knowing what to do or when things would get better.
I got a job in a garage and got into the whole working life thing, my grandparents were proud of me becoming a working man. I was so afraid that I might be gay and that it would be a huge disappointment to my grandfather. No, I was fine, I was going to be straight. What a complete tool I was.