Kids?

[jhonny1234]

OK, I don't know where else to post this, or even if this is the right place to ask a question like this, but here it goes. I was watching tv today and I saw a commercial with a dad and his child and he is trying to teach his kid to say dada. Well, for some reason this really effected me and made me sad in regards to the fact that I will never be able to have biological children with someone I love. Is this just me being stupid, I have heard that when you adopt, it feels like your child, but it still is sad that I wont be able to see little things in my childs physical appearances that remind me of myself or my partner. I would love for some advice from someone who had adopted or has any sort of insight to issues like this, hope someone can help get past these feelings!

 

[G-Lexington]

It seems people are of two minds about parenting. Some feel as you do - that if the child doesn't share DNA with you, that something's missing. I'm totally the other way. I have plenty of friends (gay and straight) who have adopted children, and there's no "asterisk" involved in their relationship. That kid is THEIRS, full stop.

Me saying this, of course, won't change your feelings. Just know that even if you won't accept a child that isn't yours biologically, that there are still ways around it. They're complex - surrogate mothers - but they're available.

Lex

 

[jhonny1234]

Thanks, I appreciate the input. It's not so much that I think I wouldn't be able to accept an adopted child, I am just unsure. I know I wouldn't be able to do a surrogate mother thing because then I would feel that the child belongs to one parent more so than the other. Ok, now this is staring to sounds dumb, I guess I just have a lot of issues to work through, it's not like I have to make a decision anytime soon, I am not even out of college or in a relationship. I have a friend that was adopted and she and I had a lot of talks about how it has effected her life and she and her parents have a great relationship and she loves the fact that she was adopted because she feels that it means that her parents really, really wanted versus parents who are like, oh hey, we are pregnant. I think adoption is a great thing and I would really like to meet a gay couple how has adopted or a person who was raised by two gay parents and find out how they felt about the whole situation. I just came out like 3 months ago, and this is all new to me, the first time I even hung out with a gay man is when I started dating one. Well, now I am going on to a different topic, so I will end it here, ha. Thanks again for your help!

 

[Eagle653]

Good luck with your thoughts on this. I can tell you that what you're thinking and feeling about it is pretty common, but I can also assure you that your thoughts will evolve over time and go back and forth. When the time ultimately comes to fulfill your parenting-wish, you will then know how you've come to think about it.

I've known men who swore they could never adopt and feel the same about an adopted child vs a child one of them had. Then, they adopted and are the perfect, doting parents and couldn't be happier. They, honest to God, actually forget that the child is not a protect of the two of them.

I've also known men who did the surrogate thing and then the other partner adopted the child too. Sometimes, even, the two men will mix up their sperm in the same beaker so they're not sure whose child it is. Some have two children--one by each partner, through a surrogate, and again, the other one adopts.

There are all sorts of ways and you'll do what's right for you when you get to that point. Whatever you do, make sure you have good legal counsel throughout the way to make sure the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed.

Good luck to you!

 

[jhonny1234]

I really appreciate the input, it has helped a lot. In regards to the mixing up the sperm thing, it's funny you should mention that because that is something that I have often wondered if it was possible.

 

[Luka]

Well, personally, I think adopting is just the same thing as having one of ur own. I plan on adopting when im around 35, wheather im with a guy or not. They're are too many kids alone in the world, everyone should be adopting and stop having babies, lol

 

[rareboy]

I still don't see why you can't have a child of your own. I know a number of gay and lesbian couples who have worked this out.

 

[megustamyn]

My partner and I have 4 chlldren and 7 grandchildren. Most of the gay people we know are parents. There are 2 threads about parenting in the Gay Community Issues Forum. One of them has a lot of resources on the subject. You might want to chek them out.

 

[Eagle653]

I really appreciate the input, it has helped a lot. In regards to the mixing up the sperm thing, it's funny you should mention that because that is something that I have often wondered if it was possible.

Sure, it happens often. In fact, sometimes in hetero marriages where the male has a fertility problem, sometimes the technicians will mix his sperm with a donor's sperm and then inseminate it. If the wife becomes preggers, then they can convince themselves it's the husband's (plus, if the problem is motility, sometimes the husband's slower sperm can be "carried along" with the more viable donor sperm). Hey, whatever works...