Wow, such a great response to my thread. Thanks guys.
Now, let me try to deal with it. To answer all of your advices, questions and suggestions, I would have to use the right tools, such as quoting many people in one post and other magic tricks that I'm not that familiar with yet. So I'll just try to do it in my own way and later will figure out how to do it properly.
swerve
Wow -- that is a difficult dilemma to be in...
I cannot imagine being so afraid of meeting someone that you were planning on having fun with that you would literally be shaking with stress....
Its supposed to be fun -- right???
Why is it that you don't think you ever want to have sex with women again???
Yup, that's indeed quite a dilemma. It's supposed to be fun, yeah. The guy that I was in contact with, was nice, handsome, smart and he was patient. As a matter of fact, he still is and he's still asking if he should wait. So basically this is still fixable.
Gay bar? Sure. As long as it doesn't require being concrete or take serious actions towards other guy, I don't mind it. As long as I'm anonymous...
I know, that I wont make any move that would get me closer to coming out before I'm absolutely sure about my sexuality. That's for sure.
About women - for some reason that I honestly cant explain, they just aren't that attractive for me anymore. As weird as it sounds(for me at least), it's true.
And please, don't put yourself down, every single post in this thread is important for me. It's a new beginning and I have to be guided through each step that I take .
soreknees
From the way you are expressing your fear I'd say you are experiencing homophobia from family and friends. That is not surprising. With the twin brothers running Poland the government itself was homophobic.
You are going to have to heal from the wrong messages you received from family, friends, church and state. I know it's possible because I did it. Obviously, it was easier for me being in the US, but people anywhere can have similar issues depending upon circumstance and personality.
You may not know us but there are thousands of people who could relate to your struggle. I am so happy you reached out.
Homophobia? Well, I'm not that sure. My friends are open minded. It's just that indeed, I'm scared about my friends' reaction, but I'm more scared about making that first move and possible meeting face to face, not to mention any physical interaction.
I'm in States once per year, sometimes less. I even thought about moving there, but I'm very much attached to my family and the very special group of my friends. We are very close and I can't imagine leaving them. Obviously, I agree about everything that you've said - twin brothers were awful (the tragic plane accident actually kind of saved us, beacuse Poland was going into a wrong direction, very wrong), but now that they're gone, it's gettin better and better each day.
I'm willing to talk as much as I can, in every possible way. So we can exchange PM's if you like.
KaraBulut
There are some guys who get naked with another guy and everything just falls into place.
But it sounds like you might need to move a little slower.
Do you live in an area where you can get out and meet some gay people and make some friends? It's much easier to go the coming out process when you're not doing it alone. And somehow, being around people who are comfortable with being gay makes it easier for you to do the same.
Oh how I would want that to happen - to get naked infront of another guy and to be comfortable with it and from then, everything should be coming naturally.
Well, my city isn't the biggest, but it's big enough to meet gay people, we have few gay clubs and organisations. The latter one isn't my thing, but as I've said previously, the idea of me going out to a gay club isn't that scary, and just have to give it a try and let things go with the flow ( correclty used??
)
jackoroe
Your English is fantastic! Not to worry!
It's easy to get gratification from porn. It's a bit more difficult to develop a meaningful relationship with porn. You need the interaction that you can only get from another human being. You aren't really comfortable with who you are, so you settle for porn. Your not open about your sexuality are you?
I'm not really familiar with Polish culture. Are you in a large urban area where there are other gay people? What about your folks? Would they be accepting? Are you out to them? To anybody?
I'm guessing the root to your problem is simply the lack of experience, that's all. Think back to the first time you were with a girl. It was just as nerve wracking. Wasn't it? As you become more comfortable with who you are, you will become more comfortable in your life.
Am I open about my sexuality? In my own mind, I can admit that I'm gay and basically I'm starting to be cool with it. However, it's far from "being open" about it to other people. I have to be sure that I'm gay, it's impossible without making any move and at this point, checking this out, is the main issue. It's like Wall Of China for me.
So, I'm not out to anybody. I'm all alone with it. But no need to worry - I'm a happy guy, living good life. I just want to resolve this thing and be even more happy.
My folks...Dad lives in USA - he would be pissed, but he would get over it. He's cool. My mom - she would have more difficulties, but eventually, she would also understand, she loves me to death and I love her. I don't see her cutting me off just beacuse I'm gay.
The last line you wrote, really gave me lots of courage. I guess you're right.
Thanks guys once again. I really appreciate it.
You know, the worst thing is that I want to be with someone. Evenings and nights are the worst. When I'm with my friends it's all cool, we're hanging out, it's great, but then we all come back to our flats and mine is empty. Every night. It's just sad.
Again, thanks for complementing my English, I was really afraid that it's not good enough to post in a place like this.
Your patience and wisdom is greater than I could wish for. Thanks alot!
D.
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
