Lack of sexual experience/desire?

[winkman]

Hey all,

Does anyone else feel like sexuality less of a drive for you than it is for most people? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've only had a few sexual encounters, all of which I completely lost interest in after actually dropping my pants, but then these were sloppy bar hookups anyway. I was only in the bars in the first place out of sense of obligation to go out and experience something more than internet porn and kleenex, not really any drive to meet men. In "real life" I at most develop these best friend type relationships with "straight" guys who eventually demonstrate some physical interest in me. I might have butterflies in my stomach when they make a pass and feel horrible after I let the opportunity pass me by, but I do every time.

I'm starting to think it's a moot point that I'm attracted to the male body if I don't actually feel a need to have another one in bed next to mine. Maybe I'm in some kind of self-acceptance twilight zone, where I don't feel ashamed or guilty about being attracted to men anymore, but I still don't know how to actually feel good about my sexuality? If you can relate to what I'm saying and want to share your own story it would really help me learn. Thanks!

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, have you ever actually dated a gay guy who was interested in you?

Or has it all been porn and bar hookups and available straight guys?

 

[texan_slant]

I am in the exact-same-boat.

I have only had a few experiences, and the last one was almost ten years ago! What has happened in the past was that as soon as I found that I was falling in love, becoming more attached, or more intimacy ensued, I ran the other way! I have never really dated or been in a relationship.

I've only had a few hook-ups - two were already in a relationship, and one was straight and married. None of this was intentional on my part, and I definitely was not the pursuer; experimentation seemed to lead to more until I felt guilty, or scared, and ran the other way.

Also, during sex, as soon as the attention turned to me, I'd get turned off and not want to continue anymore! ...it was almost as if I was getting bored. As soon as I was in control and the tables were turned to pleasure my partner, it would really get me going.

Internally, though, I know that this came out of lack of self acceptance, and clearly, I wasn't ready. Over time, I definitely have gained much more confidence, however, I don't have the desire to date! I stay in shape, have a great life, great job, and am relatively happy; I have confidence in most aspects of my life, and even go to church.

All of my friends are straight; my closest friends are male; they have all been ones I have fallen for (and have since gotten over), thus resulting in really close, straight, best-friend-friendships. I am out to most, but not all, of my friends. They are all married and with kids, and now, when I hang out with them, I end up hanging out with entire families.

The downfall here, is now that I have been older, single for my entire life, lived alone for 18 years, I have gotten to use to my life as-is, the thought of dating and being in long-term relationships turn me off! Add caring for aging traditional old-world parents (who don't want to see my 'lifestyle') to the mix and we now have one giant CRUTCH.

....so, I'd love to share my life with someone someday, however, that would have to come at a point in my life in which would come a drastic change. I stay busy, work hard, hang out with friends a lot, and for some reason, I don't feel like I have the mental room for it right now. When the time is right, though, this is what I envision: moving, changing career, etc. and meeting a whole new set of friends completely.

I feel like my life iis a project, and I have been working on myself for many years - changing it, improving it, and throwing some of the baggage overboard, however, I feel like there is this one piece left that I need to work on. In the meantime, though, I don't want to rock the boat and am happy with my life-in-progress, but when the time is right, will share the sunset of my life with someone.

 

[sixthson]

Some of us are not capable of or interested in love-less sex.

For us, the passion in sex originates from the love in our hearts and not the lust in our loins.

 

[bronzeganymede]

its not strange at all. im kinda the same way. my friends label me as sexually indifferent, i can live with or without. im not nearly as active as my friends and im fine with that. there have been times id rather hug and make out than actually have sex. and its not that i dont have sex ever or i always turn it down. im just not as motivated nor ruled by libido. im not into hookups or emotion/loveless sex either.

 

[Lube]

Like other guys have posted: I see lots of discussion of sex, but none of love or emotional attachment. Maybe that's the issue?

 

[MidnightPrism]

Some of us are not capable of or interested in love-less sex.

I'm glad I'm not alone. I've really got to get out and start dating because random hook-ups just aren't an option for me.

 

[Lefty]

So get married guys.

Then after a few years you can experience the other side of that coin..

Totally sexless love.

 

[Telstra]

I am in the exact-same-boat.

I have only had a few experiences, and the last one was almost ten years ago! What has happened in the past was that as soon as I found that I was falling in love, becoming more attached, or more intimacy ensued, I ran the other way! I have never really dated or been in a relationship.

I've only had a few hook-ups - two were already in a relationship, and one was straight and married. None of this was intentional on my part, and I definitely was not the pursuer; experimentation seemed to lead to more until I felt guilty, or scared, and ran the other way.

Also, during sex, as soon as the attention turned to me, I'd get turned off and not want to continue anymore! ...it was almost as if I was getting bored. As soon as I was in control and the tables were turned to pleasure my partner, it would really get me going.

Internally, though, I know that this came out of lack of self acceptance, and clearly, I wasn't ready. Over time, I definitely have gained much more confidence, however, I don't have the desire to date! I stay in shape, have a great life, great job, and am relatively happy; I have confidence in most aspects of my life, and even go to church.

All of my friends are straight; my closest friends are male; they have all been ones I have fallen for (and have since gotten over), thus resulting in really close, straight, best-friend-friendships. I am out to most, but not all, of my friends. They are all married and with kids, and now, when I hang out with them, I end up hanging out with entire families.

The downfall here, is now that I have been older, single for my entire life, lived alone for 18 years, I have gotten to use to my life as-is, the thought of dating and being in long-term relationships turn me off! Add caring for aging traditional old-world parents (who don't want to see my 'lifestyle') to the mix and we now have one giant CRUTCH.

....so, I'd love to share my life with someone someday, however, that would have to come at a point in my life in which would come a drastic change. I stay busy, work hard, hang out with friends a lot, and for some reason, I don't feel like I have the mental room for it right now. When the time is right, though, this is what I envision: moving, changing career, etc. and meeting a whole new set of friends completely.

I feel like my life iis a project, and I have been working on myself for many years - changing it, improving it, and throwing some of the baggage overboard, however, I feel like there is this one piece left that I need to work on. In the meantime, though, I don't want to rock the boat and am happy with my life-in-progress, but when the time is right, will share the sunset of my life with someone.

You hang out with the entire families. Do they know you are gay ?

 

[texan_slant]

You hang out with the entire families. Do they know you are gay ?

A combination, of yes and no; I'm out to most of my friends, yet not all, though I am sure that the ones who don't have probably figured it out by now.

 

[Kennylingus]

Hey all,

Does anyone else feel like sexuality less of a drive for you than it is for most people? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've only had a few sexual encounters, all of which I completely lost interest in after actually dropping my pants, but then these were sloppy bar hookups anyway. I was only in the bars in the first place out of sense of obligation to go out and experience something more than internet porn and kleenex, not really any drive to meet men. In "real life" I at most develop these best friend type relationships with "straight" guys who eventually demonstrate some physical interest in me. I might have butterflies in my stomach when they make a pass and feel horrible after I let the opportunity pass me by, but I do every time.

I'm starting to think it's a moot point that I'm attracted to the male body if I don't actually feel a need to have another one in bed next to mine. Maybe I'm in some kind of self-acceptance twilight zone, where I don't feel ashamed or guilty about being attracted to men anymore, but I still don't know how to actually feel good about my sexuality? If you can relate to what I'm saying and want to share your own story it would really help me learn. Thanks!

I know exactly what you mean. I've had some pretty rocking sex, but a hell of a lt more just awful sex. And like the last six months I've kinda been "whatever" with sex. It's not even worth it unless they're really hot.

 

[Telstra]

A combination, of yes and no; I'm out to most of my friends, yet not all, though I am sure that the ones who don't have probably figured it out by now.

but isn't it so tiring in the back of their minds,
they always wondered where your partner is .

 

[Lefty]

Sex is is way over-rated...like Chinese food, in a couple of hours the hunger is
back even worse, you already put the carton away and you'll have to get your
chopstix dirty again.....that is if you can remember where they are.

 

[Bonerbill]

I can relate to a lot of what Winkman and Texan_Slant are saying up top. Although I describe myself having a high sex drive, I have a low drive to make it physically happen. There can be other circumstances playing in your mind when you're with someone that undermine the urge. In all this talk of self sufficiency I don't see much mention of using porn. Even though on a certain level I can be skeeved by some aspects of it, but mostly, it's been an invaluable way to deal with not being able to make connections because I couldn't settle on what part of me wanted what.

I also find that that porn we choose to use can be the most accurate barometer of what we want without taking someone else along for your self discovery ride. In my case, a more than 15 year period where my interest in girlie porn eroded the more male porn I finally sought out. When I reached the point where I was flipping coins to choose gay or straight. I realized I always wanted it to come up heads, and would bargain like a gambling addict if it didn't for a retry.

It was like process of elimination- you have the choice between the two, but you hand it over to fate to decide. the gut feeling you have the second the coin is flipped tells you which you really wanted. And I found out.

But I didn't rush out to try it out on a real live dude straight away, nor do I feel like I have to. Deciding you're gay can be tricky enough, but if you need to justify it by an involvement you don't feel prepared for or properly invested in it's even tougher.

I believe I'm choosier about guys than I was with women, which doesn't help my chances of making something happen. My tastes run toward youthful, which is together to pull off after you've wasted too much time on the fence and gotten a bit older. There's no goal in being gay other than enjoying how you feel about it. The only official goal of sex is conception, which is off the table here.

If you aren't interested in sex at all, though, it hardly matters if you call yourself gay or straight. I'd say you need a sex drive to qualify. I doesn't have to involve porn in the absence of a live partner, but you need to have a stimulated reaction at least the fantasy of physical contact.

Right now, I'm very interested in going hog wild with the kinds of guys I have photo shoots of, but if all I could get was someone with too many turn-off features for me, I'd be happier looking at a quicktime or some pictures. It's lower risk certainly, both for health and emotional state.

The main advice I'd give for how you're feeling is to just accept giving yourself the space to let what you really want rise to the top. Find a way to identify what your most basic urges really are, and they'll lead you to what you want to do. Don't fill your time with things that bring up difficult choices until you know better how you'd make them.

I hope there's something that makes sense in there, and I didn't just write another rambling speech here.

You'll work it out.

 

[texan_slant]

but isn't it so tiring in the back of their minds,
they always wondered where your partner is .

Hey Telestra -

I have known most of my friends from their single days, which is 20+ years, and as a result, our lives have become so seamless that they prob haven't noticed that I *don't* initiate most of our time together. I also have been really careful not to overly-cling to my friends, and am extremely respectful of the fact that they need family time.

It has never occurred to me that they would wonder why I don't have a partner, when in fact, I'd hope that if they were spending too much energy on trying to figure me out, I'd encourage them to either choose another friend, or point-blank-ask me "why" (I don't have a partner).

...however, I know my friends well enough to assume that neither would happen, nor would I think that they'd wonder because it's just, "what is."

 

[Lube]

^Personally, I don't understand how a good friend can be considered a good friend if he hasn't at least on occasion wondered about your most basic sexual and emotional needs.

Acquaintances might gossip, but they wouldn't care.

Friends would care, but they wouldn't gossip (except to other close friends, and then it would be more about trying to help or understand you rather than undermine you).

 

[rareboy]

I keep saying over and over again.

Being gay is more than just where you put your cock or someone else puts theirs.

If you are just seeing being a homo as about sex, then you likely are disassociative because you aren't experiencing emotional attachment as part of sexual activity.

I think you need to get someone to talk to about this to see if there is some guilt or avoidance that is preventing you from being able to experience a full relationship with another man.

 

[Lefty]

It's true,

Rareboy does say that over and over and over again.

Perhaps the constant re-iteration and repetition of that mantra

"mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra,mantra"

will pervade the infibulated and jaded minds of this perverse homogamy we call JUB and everyone will experience a spirtual as well as sexual rebirth.

In the mean time...I will continue my knoll side (belly button inclusive)

contemplation exercises on top of that good Mount Old Smokey and try not

to hold my breath tooooo long between bongs..




(my bad, I am both perverse and verbose)

 

[Telstra]

Hey Telestra -

I have known most of my friends from their single days, which is 20+ years, and as a result, our lives have become so seamless that they prob haven't noticed that I *don't* initiate most of our time together. I also have been really careful not to overly-cling to my friends, and am extremely respectful of the fact that they need family time.

It has never occurred to me that they would wonder why I don't have a partner, when in fact, I'd hope that if they were spending too much energy on trying to figure me out, I'd encourage them to either choose another friend, or point-blank-ask me "why" (I don't have a partner).

...however, I know my friends well enough to assume that neither would happen, nor would I think that they'd wonder because it's just, "what is."

Anyway they don't ask about your partner because they don't want to deal with your personal issues.

 

[arealis]

Rareboy is right, like totally. I thought I was different for a moment, but hey, truly there's no wrong in not wanting too much sex!

I think sex can even be destructive sometimes as well, especially if one is all tensed, nervous and merely submitting to the wishes of the other. It should be a mutual thing.

If it's lust you are saying, both sides gonna have it going.

If its love. Equally so.

I think I'll stick with love. And the occasional lust - like why not, it makes things fun as well. With that I mean to the same person, and not random hooks. It's a fantasy that is entertaining, but just doesn't feel quite right for me.. Just a preference.