Late blooming, being over-sexed, and going all in

[Patros]

Hi guys. I'm not really even sure I need or want any advice, just looking to talk it out. But anyone who wants to throw in two cents, I appreciate it

I'm kind of a late bloomer, I guess. I didn't start sleeping with girls until I was in my early 20s, and I only recently (last year) started exploring things with guys (I'm mid-to-late-twenties now). Honestly, I'm really grateful that this is all happening while I'm an adult: it's so much easier to figure things out with an identity of some sort already intact. I have a lot of respect for people who went through it younger.

The reason, I think, that it took me so long to start exploring things with guys, is that I feel somewhat bisexual. I have so much trouble with this label. I wonder if I'm fooling myself; if I was (am) just suppressing something. But I never felt the burning desire to come out, to be with men, anything like that, until I was older. I never felt like I was repressed, or lying, or missing anything.

That said, I love being with guys - it's so much easier.

Anyway, it's been about six months since I had my first experience with a guy, and I'm out to several of my close friends. I've even been "dating" a guy, sort of. We hang out a lot, watch movies, mess around I'm not really sure what we have going. I know I really like him, and I feel more comfortable with him than I ever felt with girls, but I'm not sure there's any deep emotional connection -- which I've never really felt with anyone.

The problem is -- and I did not expect this when I decided to explore this -- it is so much easier to, ahem, get lucky with guys than girls. I am sure you are not surprised. But I can just DECIDE to go out, and get whomever I want. I just have to go to the bar, and wait. It's insane.

But my problem is, I go to the bar, I meet these guys, and we talk or hook up or whatever, and I think that they are THE ONE. That I have this connection with them, and that if I don't make it work, that I've missed out on something great. I feel like this is a combination of this totally new kind of relationship, and the fact that being with guys is like a god damned buffet -- I can just go and have this connection at any moment. Unlike with girls, there are a host of guys that are ready willing and able to meet, connect, and even hook up. But I end up getting hurt because I invest too much into these nascent relationships. Like, serious failure to launch, partially because of my own crazy.

I don't know. I just feel like there are two problems. One, I need to learn to lock it up, and not go to the buffet whenever I feel likt it. How did you guys deal with this? This is a distinctly gay problem, I feel like. Straight guys can't just go to a bar and get instantly laid by a really attractive girl. But now I can. That's hard to turn down. Did anyone else have to learn to adapt with this? In addition, I don't know to what extent I need to make this work with this guy. I just keep going out to look for guys now and then, in spite of the fact that I have a pretty decent thing going here.

I know it sounds like a stupid problem. There are definitely worse problems to have than being able to hook up a hot, cool person whenever you want. But I'm still having issues adapting to that.

Second, did anyone else come out late and have trouble with getting too into people, too fast? I feel like that's the best way to summarize what's going on.

I can't really tell if this sounds pretentious or self-pitying or self-aggrandizing or anything, so apologies for any disparaging adverbs that can be assigned to it. I don't mean it that way. I just felt like going through it, so thanks for reading along.

Thanks

 

[hotatlboi]

I had a similar problem when I first started seeing guys.

You have to realize that the person you are with is most likely NOT "the one" and also that you have to know someone far longer than you will hanging out a few times to be able to determine that anyway.

Just take a step back and take things a little easier and see where it goes.

 

[latinheat]

im exactly the same way i put all my feelings into something fresh and always get hurt but im starting to get to the point where i know that i have to take me time and go slow....i think in time u'll learn that its better to just take it slow than just dive in head first lol

 

[inimegblue]

Well after 20 some odd years of sexual repression the flood gates have opened and a beast has been unleashed! Some would consider you a lucky guy to be able to go to the male "buffet" and pick as you wish. However, there's an emptiness that comes with sexing someone you're not yet connected to. Meeting a guy at the bar and getting it on with him later is cool (providing you do it safely), but if you're looking for a connection with a guy on a deeper level rushed sex may not be the best way to find that, in fact it can be a deterrent.

The best advice I could give is to use some time for introspection to figure out what it is you ACTUALLY want. Usually when people "fall too fast" it means they don't have a clue what they want (need?) from another person. If the thing you have going on with the guy you mentioned is really good then don't rock the boat. Give it time to grow and see if it does. If it doesn't fulfill your needs (desires) then don't string him along. It's not fair.

Also be careful not to construct sensationalized views of people too quickly. Anybody can hold it together long enough to get what they want from you if that's their aim. Before you start investing too much into anyone, silently ask yourself if they have done something to deserve that. If you can't honestly say yes then respond appropiately.

Good luck!!!

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue here is that you don't know what it is you want, so you're pursuing the path of least resistance.

It's a little bit like going fishing but not knowing what you want to catch.

If you are looking for an emotional connection (which in some ways, it seems you are), then meet guys, exchange numbers, go out and don't have sex with them until you get to know them or you feel an emotional connection with them.

This of course is going to blow the girls-vs-guys comparison because one of the reasons that it is so easy with guys is that most guys are happy with one-night stands and sex without emotional conections. Women tend to be a little clearer on what they want and a little less likely to settle.

It ultimately comes down to what you want and how much effort you're willing to put into your search for something besides sex.

 

[rareboy]

^ What Kara wrote.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I've never had a problem with hooking up. I don't' find it emotionless, or sterile, or a dead end. It just is what it is. The emotions are different, that's all. There's nothing wrong with the hook up.

That said, I suspect that what's going on is your post closet slut phase. A lot of guys come out and go hog wild. Eventually they get it out of their system, and the experience they gain, helps define realistic expectations and personality traits in guys that are unacceptable or sought after.

If you're having a good time doing what you're doing, why sweat it, there's nothing that says you can't play with the boys along the way. The relationship thing will happen organically if you let it. So don't overburden it with emotional baggage and expectation.

You'll probably stop over committing with time and experience. Guys who do that habitually are generally looking for an illusion in their own head, not a guy back here on the ground.

It took me awhile to figure out, but basically I never go into a new situation thinking of the guy as prince charming. He's either hot, which is why I'm doing the hook up, or he's interesting enough to get me to want to spend time with him and figure out if I like him.

 

[Patros]

Thanks, everyone. This is really helpful. I'm going to start thinking of it as "Prince Charming" syndrome, TX-Beau, since that sums up all the overly-high expectations perfectly

Thanks again guys.