Let's discuss this whole "falling for best-friend" phenomenon.

[intime25]

Hey all, haven't posted here in awhile, I posted awhile back about how I fell in love (for the first time) with one of my close friends, and how I believe he is possibly gay, etc, etc. The whole situation actually made me come out to two of my best "girlfriends." And has resulted in some deep introspection and tears being shed.

Anyway, we're still close friends and I still think there's a more than average probability of us doing something together, but the situation hasn't changed much: there's still a game of cat and mouse, teasing, long eye contact, etc, but I just wanted to start a thread on: WHAT IS ABOUT THE BEST FRIEND?

What are some of the reasons this is such a common problem facing so many gays out there(specifically closeted ones)?

Do you think its the chase? The idea of being able to be with someone who is straight, but you can still be gay with? The challenge of convincing someone who might otherwise not be interested? I mean this addresses the straight aspect of it, but not really the close friend aspect.

I know for me I don't think I'd fall in love with someone if I knew they were openly gay first. It's like I get off on the idea that my friend and I could have this gay love affair without anyone knowing about us. Like we can live normal lives but still be together.. Is that sick or what? Kinda reminds me of that song "Dirty Little Secret" by All American Rejects.

Anyway, what are your explanations for the best friend phenomenon. I know I'm not the only one that's experienced it. I'll try to give input from my perspective on your opinions as well.

 

[rareboy]

I know for me I don't think I'd fall in love with someone if I knew they were openly gay first. It's like I get off on the idea that my friend and I could have this gay love affair without anyone knowing about us. Like we can live normal lives but still be together.. Is that sick or what? Kinda reminds me of that song "Dirty Little Secret" by All American Rejects.

Yup. You need some help to work this through. Otherwise you are doomed to not only make your own life miserable, but to make those of your prey miserable as well.

It is the trait of a neurotic personality.

You idealize your 'relationships'; looking for pure perfection. you are also craving the inevitable disappointment. It is the only thing that makes you feel emotionally alive.

These types of sterile relationships allow you to avoid having to live as an openly gay guy and to risk rejection from real homosexual guys.

Of course you're going to crush on friends that share experiences and opinions and secrets with you, particularly if they're cute. But is these are becoming the substitute for getting out there and getting bruised and dirty in the real world, then you should see if you can find a good gay counsellor to help you identify how you can change your approach.

 

[snapghisch]

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that a best friend is almost like a significant other, just the sexual side is lacking. My mother always used to say that boys and girls couldn't "just be friends" because generally one side would always end up wanting more. I think this is very true, also for gays. It's an intimacy thing. You may end up feeling intimate with your best friend, although you haven't actually done anything with him. This happened to me in the past as well.

 

[Seasoned]

Reading your post, I focused on your use of the word normal. You won't find peace until you realize that being gay is normal. Homophobia and internalized homophobia forces secrecy. Find ways to embrace yourself.

 

[Lube]

What they said.

Plus, you will be crushed when your "straight" friend who keeps playing cat and mouse with you turns out to be gay.

Then you'll have to deal with being gay--and you'll reject him and cause untold heartbreak.

As others said/implied, you need professional help.

 

[intime25]

What they said.

Plus, you will be crushed when your "straight" friend who keeps playing cat and mouse with you turns out to be gay.

Then you'll have to deal with being gay--and you'll reject him and cause untold heartbreak.

As others said/implied, you need professional help.

Hah no, it's not like that. If he turns out gay after we've been together that's fine. I think it has something to do with the fact that, I want someone who I'm comfortable with, who I know is going through the same thing as me etc.

 

[creatus]

Plus, you will be crushed when your "straight" friend who keeps playing cat and mouse with you turns out to be gay.

Let's add, a gay in denial. "Hey man, I will let you touch my dick, but I'm absolutely straight... A month later you will be allowed to suck it, but you must remember I'm 100% straight."

Oh, these sick games... I've seen several bisexuals who think it's ok to be bi, but being gay is some kind of disease. They tend to annoy and humiliate every person in local gay forums... I've almost started to think there is no worse thing than being gay/bi in denial.

 

[hothunk222]

What they said.

Plus, you will be crushed when your "straight" friend who keeps playing cat and mouse with you turns out to be gay.

Then you'll have to deal with being gay--and you'll reject him and cause untold heartbreak.

As others said/implied, you need professional help.

What this guy said. I was the one being chased by a confused closet case, It was cute and funny at first, then I was trying really hard to not think beyond friendship, but eventually I gave in cause I had developed feelings for him. I couldn't take it anymore and came out of the closet to him, I told him that his actions were really confusing me and I was trying really hard not to think beyond friendship but it was really hard when he was always making passes at me, I asked him if he was also? I told him I had developed feelings. When I did this, he quickly retreated and began denying everything, all of his homosexual and suggestive actions, and pinned it all, all the "gayness" that had occurred, on me. That it was all me. When it was mostly him. That it was all me. That it was all me?! All me? It was a really heartbreaking experience. Be careful.

 

[Lube]

I know for me I don't think I'd fall in love with someone if I knew they were openly gay first. It's like I get off on the idea that my friend and I could have this gay love affair without anyone knowing about us. Like we can live normal lives but still be together.. Is that sick or what?

Hah no, it's not like that. If he turns out gay after we've been together that's fine. I think it has something to do with the fact that, I want someone who I'm comfortable with, who I know is going through the same thing as me etc.

Well, from your quote above, it doesn't sound like that's what you're saying.

Even if that is what you're saying, you do realize that virtually every gay guy has gone through what you're going through. So there's no reason not to want to be with a gay guy.

Unless, as I and others suspect, you're not comfortable being gay--you don't want people to find out about it.

Love yourself.

 

[intime25]

What this guy said. I was the one being chased by a confused closet case, It was cute and funny at first, then I was trying really hard to not think beyond friendship, but eventually I gave in cause I had developed feelings for him. I couldn't take it anymore and came out of the closet to him, I told him that his actions were really confusing me and I was trying really hard not to think beyond friendship but it was really hard when he was always making passes at me, I asked him if he was also? I told him I had developed feelings. When I did this, he quickly retreated and began denying everything, all of his homosexual and suggestive actions, and pinned it all, all the "gayness" that had occurred, on me. That it was all me. When it was mostly him. That it was all me. That it was all me?! All me? It was a really heartbreaking experience. Be careful.

Thanks, this is a situation I could completely see happening to me. It really is a mind-fuck. Especially when every single time I take a step back and think "No, I'm just imagining, I'm blinded by love," he will do something that will pull me back like massaging my shoulders or something strange(he doesn't get touchy with anyone else) hah.

Well, from your quote above, it doesn't sound like that's what you're saying.

Even if that is what you're saying, you do realize that virtually every gay guy has gone through what you're going through. So there's no reason not to want to be with a gay guy.

Unless, as I and others suspect, you're not comfortable being gay--you don't want people to find out about it.

Love yourself.

I'm pretty confidant I'm gay, so it's not like I'm trying to avoid it. I know it is something I am, and will be, for the rest of my life. Although I admit, for the time being, I am trying to avoid being out to everyone.

 

[Lube]

I'm pretty confidant I'm gay, so it's not like I'm trying to avoid it. I know it is something I am, and will be, for the rest of my life. Although I admit, for the time being, I am trying to avoid being out to everyone.

You're starting down the right path, but you're not there yet.

When you're really comfortable with it, you won't care who knows.

 

[BiBlackMan]

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that a best friend is almost like a significant other, just the sexual side is lacking. My mother always used to say that boys and girls couldn't "just be friends" because generally one side would always end up wanting more. I think this is very true, also for gays. It's an intimacy thing. You may end up feeling intimate with your best friend, although you haven't actually done anything with him. This happened to me in the past as well.

I agree with what snapghisch wrote above. It's about intimacy. I can't adequately describe the feeling, but with my best friend (he's str8) I feel the desire to be as close to him as possible, which also means experiencing him sexually. I feel like I want our friendship to be so intimate as to closely approximate, but not replace, the physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy he has with his wife. I'd love to have the kind of intimacy that he wouldn't care if I see him naked. I'd love to be so close that I could taste his cum and feel like he has shared a very special part of himself with me. I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's how I've felt for a while and have been working with a therapist to move on and see the friendship as nothing more. My therapist has said that he doesn't think my thoughts and feelings are entirely about sex, but about an irrational drive to be all things to my best friend.

I'm bi-married and I do find this situation to be a huge stumbling block for me in terms of coming to terms with my sexual orientation (bi, gay, str8) and figuring out the rest of my life.

Just sharing my story and giving my .02 cents.

 

[breatheH20]

As far as the best friend scenario goes, my best friend in high school was a cub / bear type of guy (which automatically aroused me to him). Not to mention that we had a very strong friendship, constantly around each other, and had a deep connection that only we shared with each other.

Needless to say, if you spend enough time with someone, feelings grow, attractions, etc.

I like to think of my best friend as the greatest love story never told, but I appreciate it for what it was worth. It was nice to be able to have that line of sexuality (he's straight) at that time, since I was 17 and truly couldn't commit myself to being with a gay guy just yet.

All the benefits, none of the drawbacks.

And as far as your friend goes, I'm not sure exactly what the situation is, but I'm now of the mindset that if someone wants you, they will let you know. I've wasted a LOT of time trying to guess if a guy wants me or not, when there were plenty of others who explicitly said they did.