Greenherbz
Slut
LONG READ` ignore if u want too or be cute and post 'tldr' 
Well here is a letter I sent to my parents today, they already know I'm gay but still have a few issues with it [they have a hard time understanding and they don't think its peoples business to know]. Just thought it might help someone in a similar situation trying to explain to their parents.
The other weekend when you were in town you asked me why I would want to let people know that I am gay, and I really wasn’t able to fully explain myself. I guess, growing up at first you don’t make the connection; you start off having these thoughts and they don’t really strike you as odd until you realize that they mean you are gay. It’s like when all the other kids were just starting to realize girls, and they’d encourage eachother and talk about it, reestablishing each others confidence etc. etc. I was sitting there in denial but still having the same thoughts in my head. For the longest time I would think that it would go away, or that my attractions for girls would just come to me naturally. Obviously, that never happened for me, but the denial part still kind of stays with you. I’m no longer really in denial about it, I realize that this is something that I will always have to deal with, and I’ve been working on my attitude about it. You grow up hearing all these horrible things about ‘the gays’ how we’re going to hell, how we are wicked, perverted, evil people. Sometimes, not uncommonly, put into the same category as pedophiles, rapists, polygamists, or worse, it was all just really hard to hear over and over throughout my life. All the negativity from literally everywhere weather it was the church, my friends, kids at school, the school itself, TV and movies, or even my family; it all really got to me. I still struggle with all these negative thoughts in my head, everyday. It is awful and sad and depressing because growing up, those opinions did matter to me. What I was taught, and what my friends, family, and church said mattered a lot to me. Fast forward to now, and I’m still struggling with all of these conflicts, I’m still trying to get past all the negative things I’ve heard in my life, trying to say to myself ‘well those are just stereotypes’ or things like ‘who cares what other people think’ or ‘the church just doesn’t understand, but I know God will.’ But everyday its like I wake up and I say to myself, ‘Shit… this wasn’t all just a dream. This really happened to me, I’m THAT guy… This is my life’ and its almost like every day that it passes and no one knows, I realize that I still have that obstacle in my life to overcome. Its like I haven’t dealt with it at all. At first I didn’t want anyone to know at all, but it is becoming increasingly dissatisfactory to my life. When I was in high school, around the time of ***** I was just opening up into a new, more extroverted person and it really was a great time for me in my life. I think never having all those friends beforehand; it was like I was so caught-up in it that hiding myself was always no problem. I was so busy with my new friends and my new life I didn’t care to put that on the back burner, I was just finally having fun and hanging out with them allowed me an ‘escape’ from my problems where I didn’t have to think about it or worry about it, because when I was with them I was just another one of the guys, which was a new experience for me. Now it’s been almost two and a half years and all those relationships have fuzzed out. Things have changed, and I don’t see them as the ‘best friends’ I once had, not only that but my interests changed… ‘partying’ for me has gotten so boring; drinking’s is always the same-old-same-old. And after all this time I think I better see my friends for who they really are. Now that the dust has settled and the good times are over, I’m back to confronting my issues. When I’m with my friends now, it doesn’t put me at peace like it used to, it doesn’t let me ‘escape’ from my problems like it used to, because at the end of the day they’re still there in my head and need to be dealt with. It is also becoming increasingly difficult to hide; my friends keep wanting me to come out to the club with them or just expecting me to try and pick up chicks. Because now this is college and they have their mind set on two things, girls and partying. And for me, my mindset isn’t really about that, so I either have to play along or sit quite and make excuses for why I’m not interested. They all only want to talk about those two things and its all they’re really trying to get. Every day it’s the same old story and I really do think they are quite pathetic about the whole thing. Either way, its creating problems because now my friends are beginning to notice that I’m not willing to go to the club, or I’m not really all too enthusiastic about that ‘hot chick’ who just walked by or ‘those hot chicks at that party.’ Not only that but more of my friends are beginning to date, and as they couple up they begin to spend less and less time with you and before you know it you don’t even really talk anymore. But friends aside, the reason why I would want to tell people is mainly for me. Every day I go back and forth about well if I tell people, what will happen to my life, will I loose all my friends? But at the same time, it’s becoming increasingly harder for me to relate to them and even when I do hang out with them, I can’t help but think ‘This kid might not be talking to me if he knew who I really was.” It’s all very unsatisfying. And of course when I say something along the lines of ‘yeah well its no ones business anyway! This isn’t a big part of youre life’… I’m lying to myself. In fact it's a huge part of my life, which I spend a great deal of time hiding and avoiding. The other thing is, its like I’m trying to distance myself from my sexuality, trying to be a straight guy who just happens to like men, and that's nothing really, just an inconsequential nothing that really has nothing to do with anything. Which is also a lie that I’m telling myself. It says that I am not comfortable with myself, or with who I am. There is a difference between admitting you like guys and accepting it. Our sexuality is a huge part of all of our lives. It defines us, drives us, affects how we are perceived and how we treat and perceive others - it permeates our culture, people's sexuality is everywhere you look, in just about everything you come into contact with. And people who are not ashamed of their sexuality, have no problem whatsoever telling people not only what it might be, but explicitly who they happen to be having sex with at any given moment. Every time you get introduced to someone's girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband, see pictures of their lives and families - listen to your buddies, hell see parents at the school picking up their kids, that's people PUBLICLY announcing their sexuality and explicitly who they're sleeping with. No shame, no disclaimer, no statements of how it's “no one's business”, no minimizing how it's not a big part of life. It's not private, it's not inconsequential and it never has been, it's always been unabashedly public and hugely a part of life. So as I continue down this road of self-exploration, I begin to wonder is it all worth it? Every day is the same crap, I wake up wishing that I wasn’t in this same position, I go on thinking about it all day, sometimes letting it affect my school work and it DEFINITLY affects all of my friendships, its getting to the point where I’m beginning to wonder if its all worth the hiding? Now does this mean I want to go around parading and proclaiming to everyone this ‘oh-so-great’ news? No!! You know they say time heals everything, but here I am still waiting. I’m through with doubt, and there’s really nothing left for me to figure out. I’ve paid a price, and I’ll keep paying. I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to keep going around and around. I know you want me to just forget it and get over it, but I still cant do that.
I’m so very grateful that I was put on this earth in America in our time period. As you know, things have been getting much better for gay people and they continue to get better every decade, even every year, but none of that came without a price and that price was visibility. The only reason why things have gotten any better for people like me is because people started being more open, and once people realized that it was their friends, sisters, brothers, parents, and loved ones who were gay, not just some notion of a gay person from TV or a movie, is when attitudes started to change. People’s opinions will always stay the same if they don’t know that they know someone who is gay. People can go two ways, they can realize the similarities in that we are all humans, and usually their opinion and mindset will change or they will cut you out of their life because it makes them uncomfortable. The only reason it makes them uncomfortable is because it’s not something they are used to seeing or hearing about, and they were taught many preconceived notions from their parents and religions. So, I can tell some of my closer friends and hope they will realize, ‘Wow, I’ve known this kid for almost 3 years and had no idea… I never realized gay people could be so normal” or they can decide to cut me out of their life. But, is this the kind of people I should be investing my time in? The kind of friends who will just cast me aside based on something that is such a big deal personally, but at the same time not a big deal at all? Like I said, I’m through with doubt and I’m mad as hell. Im getting tired of the bullshit. I just want to be open and honest, and know that my friends are there for me because they are my friends. I want the same privileges as all of my straight friends of announcing their opinions and not being ashamed. It is getting harder and harder to stay quite about something that is so personal to me. I can’t tell you how bothersome it is to sit their and listen to friends say hurtful or stereotypical things and you cant do a damn thing to stop them, or help them realize that they are wrong, and little do they know they are actually making comments ABOUT YOU! My hopes would be that I would change a few peoples minds, but I do know that that would come with consequences and that I am bound to loose a few friends. But at the end of the day, they are just friends, and at some point in my life I’m bound to loose them anyway because people grow apart.
I don’t know if you heard but 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself this past week because of the shame he felt, and because of being bullied about his homosexuality. He is one of the sloughs of deaths this year either from suicide or murder. Larry King, also 14 was murdered by fellow classmate Brandon McInerey, he was shot twice in the back of the head because of his homosexuality. These are the kind of things that are so preventable if people would better educate their children rather then indoctrinate them with hate. And these are the kinds of things that can be prevented if peoples opinions would just change a little. As it becomes more talked about and accepted by the public/the media hopefully these things will get better. But like I said, the only reason anyone’s opinion is going to be changed is if they see that their assumptions and beliefs were wrong.
I hope this helped a little bit in your understanding of where I am at right now. I have not made any sort of conclusive decision about my life. I still don’t know what I’ll do or where I am headed but I just wanted to let you know how I feel. I love you so much and cant wait to see you again!
And some funny quotes,,,
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.” ~Lynn Lavner
“Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.” ~Sam Austin
“War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? “ ~The Value of Families
“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” ~Ernest Gaines
Well here is a letter I sent to my parents today, they already know I'm gay but still have a few issues with it [they have a hard time understanding and they don't think its peoples business to know]. Just thought it might help someone in a similar situation trying to explain to their parents.
The other weekend when you were in town you asked me why I would want to let people know that I am gay, and I really wasn’t able to fully explain myself. I guess, growing up at first you don’t make the connection; you start off having these thoughts and they don’t really strike you as odd until you realize that they mean you are gay. It’s like when all the other kids were just starting to realize girls, and they’d encourage eachother and talk about it, reestablishing each others confidence etc. etc. I was sitting there in denial but still having the same thoughts in my head. For the longest time I would think that it would go away, or that my attractions for girls would just come to me naturally. Obviously, that never happened for me, but the denial part still kind of stays with you. I’m no longer really in denial about it, I realize that this is something that I will always have to deal with, and I’ve been working on my attitude about it. You grow up hearing all these horrible things about ‘the gays’ how we’re going to hell, how we are wicked, perverted, evil people. Sometimes, not uncommonly, put into the same category as pedophiles, rapists, polygamists, or worse, it was all just really hard to hear over and over throughout my life. All the negativity from literally everywhere weather it was the church, my friends, kids at school, the school itself, TV and movies, or even my family; it all really got to me. I still struggle with all these negative thoughts in my head, everyday. It is awful and sad and depressing because growing up, those opinions did matter to me. What I was taught, and what my friends, family, and church said mattered a lot to me. Fast forward to now, and I’m still struggling with all of these conflicts, I’m still trying to get past all the negative things I’ve heard in my life, trying to say to myself ‘well those are just stereotypes’ or things like ‘who cares what other people think’ or ‘the church just doesn’t understand, but I know God will.’ But everyday its like I wake up and I say to myself, ‘Shit… this wasn’t all just a dream. This really happened to me, I’m THAT guy… This is my life’ and its almost like every day that it passes and no one knows, I realize that I still have that obstacle in my life to overcome. Its like I haven’t dealt with it at all. At first I didn’t want anyone to know at all, but it is becoming increasingly dissatisfactory to my life. When I was in high school, around the time of ***** I was just opening up into a new, more extroverted person and it really was a great time for me in my life. I think never having all those friends beforehand; it was like I was so caught-up in it that hiding myself was always no problem. I was so busy with my new friends and my new life I didn’t care to put that on the back burner, I was just finally having fun and hanging out with them allowed me an ‘escape’ from my problems where I didn’t have to think about it or worry about it, because when I was with them I was just another one of the guys, which was a new experience for me. Now it’s been almost two and a half years and all those relationships have fuzzed out. Things have changed, and I don’t see them as the ‘best friends’ I once had, not only that but my interests changed… ‘partying’ for me has gotten so boring; drinking’s is always the same-old-same-old. And after all this time I think I better see my friends for who they really are. Now that the dust has settled and the good times are over, I’m back to confronting my issues. When I’m with my friends now, it doesn’t put me at peace like it used to, it doesn’t let me ‘escape’ from my problems like it used to, because at the end of the day they’re still there in my head and need to be dealt with. It is also becoming increasingly difficult to hide; my friends keep wanting me to come out to the club with them or just expecting me to try and pick up chicks. Because now this is college and they have their mind set on two things, girls and partying. And for me, my mindset isn’t really about that, so I either have to play along or sit quite and make excuses for why I’m not interested. They all only want to talk about those two things and its all they’re really trying to get. Every day it’s the same old story and I really do think they are quite pathetic about the whole thing. Either way, its creating problems because now my friends are beginning to notice that I’m not willing to go to the club, or I’m not really all too enthusiastic about that ‘hot chick’ who just walked by or ‘those hot chicks at that party.’ Not only that but more of my friends are beginning to date, and as they couple up they begin to spend less and less time with you and before you know it you don’t even really talk anymore. But friends aside, the reason why I would want to tell people is mainly for me. Every day I go back and forth about well if I tell people, what will happen to my life, will I loose all my friends? But at the same time, it’s becoming increasingly harder for me to relate to them and even when I do hang out with them, I can’t help but think ‘This kid might not be talking to me if he knew who I really was.” It’s all very unsatisfying. And of course when I say something along the lines of ‘yeah well its no ones business anyway! This isn’t a big part of youre life’… I’m lying to myself. In fact it's a huge part of my life, which I spend a great deal of time hiding and avoiding. The other thing is, its like I’m trying to distance myself from my sexuality, trying to be a straight guy who just happens to like men, and that's nothing really, just an inconsequential nothing that really has nothing to do with anything. Which is also a lie that I’m telling myself. It says that I am not comfortable with myself, or with who I am. There is a difference between admitting you like guys and accepting it. Our sexuality is a huge part of all of our lives. It defines us, drives us, affects how we are perceived and how we treat and perceive others - it permeates our culture, people's sexuality is everywhere you look, in just about everything you come into contact with. And people who are not ashamed of their sexuality, have no problem whatsoever telling people not only what it might be, but explicitly who they happen to be having sex with at any given moment. Every time you get introduced to someone's girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband, see pictures of their lives and families - listen to your buddies, hell see parents at the school picking up their kids, that's people PUBLICLY announcing their sexuality and explicitly who they're sleeping with. No shame, no disclaimer, no statements of how it's “no one's business”, no minimizing how it's not a big part of life. It's not private, it's not inconsequential and it never has been, it's always been unabashedly public and hugely a part of life. So as I continue down this road of self-exploration, I begin to wonder is it all worth it? Every day is the same crap, I wake up wishing that I wasn’t in this same position, I go on thinking about it all day, sometimes letting it affect my school work and it DEFINITLY affects all of my friendships, its getting to the point where I’m beginning to wonder if its all worth the hiding? Now does this mean I want to go around parading and proclaiming to everyone this ‘oh-so-great’ news? No!! You know they say time heals everything, but here I am still waiting. I’m through with doubt, and there’s really nothing left for me to figure out. I’ve paid a price, and I’ll keep paying. I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to keep going around and around. I know you want me to just forget it and get over it, but I still cant do that.
I’m so very grateful that I was put on this earth in America in our time period. As you know, things have been getting much better for gay people and they continue to get better every decade, even every year, but none of that came without a price and that price was visibility. The only reason why things have gotten any better for people like me is because people started being more open, and once people realized that it was their friends, sisters, brothers, parents, and loved ones who were gay, not just some notion of a gay person from TV or a movie, is when attitudes started to change. People’s opinions will always stay the same if they don’t know that they know someone who is gay. People can go two ways, they can realize the similarities in that we are all humans, and usually their opinion and mindset will change or they will cut you out of their life because it makes them uncomfortable. The only reason it makes them uncomfortable is because it’s not something they are used to seeing or hearing about, and they were taught many preconceived notions from their parents and religions. So, I can tell some of my closer friends and hope they will realize, ‘Wow, I’ve known this kid for almost 3 years and had no idea… I never realized gay people could be so normal” or they can decide to cut me out of their life. But, is this the kind of people I should be investing my time in? The kind of friends who will just cast me aside based on something that is such a big deal personally, but at the same time not a big deal at all? Like I said, I’m through with doubt and I’m mad as hell. Im getting tired of the bullshit. I just want to be open and honest, and know that my friends are there for me because they are my friends. I want the same privileges as all of my straight friends of announcing their opinions and not being ashamed. It is getting harder and harder to stay quite about something that is so personal to me. I can’t tell you how bothersome it is to sit their and listen to friends say hurtful or stereotypical things and you cant do a damn thing to stop them, or help them realize that they are wrong, and little do they know they are actually making comments ABOUT YOU! My hopes would be that I would change a few peoples minds, but I do know that that would come with consequences and that I am bound to loose a few friends. But at the end of the day, they are just friends, and at some point in my life I’m bound to loose them anyway because people grow apart.
I don’t know if you heard but 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself this past week because of the shame he felt, and because of being bullied about his homosexuality. He is one of the sloughs of deaths this year either from suicide or murder. Larry King, also 14 was murdered by fellow classmate Brandon McInerey, he was shot twice in the back of the head because of his homosexuality. These are the kind of things that are so preventable if people would better educate their children rather then indoctrinate them with hate. And these are the kinds of things that can be prevented if peoples opinions would just change a little. As it becomes more talked about and accepted by the public/the media hopefully these things will get better. But like I said, the only reason anyone’s opinion is going to be changed is if they see that their assumptions and beliefs were wrong.
I hope this helped a little bit in your understanding of where I am at right now. I have not made any sort of conclusive decision about my life. I still don’t know what I’ll do or where I am headed but I just wanted to let you know how I feel. I love you so much and cant wait to see you again!
And some funny quotes,,,
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.” ~Lynn Lavner
“Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.” ~Sam Austin
“War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? “ ~The Value of Families
“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” ~Ernest Gaines
) and since then I just never returned. At this time I realized the therapy was BS. My therapist even called me offering a free session, "in hopes that I would be a returning client" 
psssh yeah right (those were his words! Way to be obvious your clearly phishing for more money--idiot!)
its a shame. At least his words still live on and help others!