Letting Him Go

[lifeisamazing]

So...I just took my sorrows out on about three shots of vodka and sliced oranges...I guess it feels less painful. Anyway, so if you all haven't check out my blog - I am moving from San Diego, back up to Los Angeles, cause my mom was fired from her job.

I take care of my mom, she has MS and Diabetes, and I know having me around the house, is a great help to her, even though she can manage on her own.

Anyway, so when I first moved down to SD, about two months later around the Holidays, a set of brothers moved in a few houses down the street from me. And one of them washing his car one day, and my puppy was out and he went over into their yard.

The oldest brother Jake, knelt down and started playing with my 10 week old, Golden Lab. So, I got to know Jake pretty well, over the next few weeks. I found out, he was a sophmore at Stanford, Biology major, but his mother had died about two months prior. So he dropped out of Stanford and took custody of his younger brother Josh, who is still in high school, and moved into a house.

Their mother, left them everything, including, a good amount of money, enough to afford a house. I find out that the father was killed a long time, ago, and mom died from battling cancer for six years.

So during the Holidays, my mom started acting like a mom to them. Inviting them over for dinner and Christmas Eve and what not. Jake and I started hanging out. I got to know his little brother Josh, who most of the time was a sweet kid, but really shy.

So two months ago, Jake came out to me, and asked me out on a date. This caught me off guard, cause he called me over asking for help moving some stuff in his house. We go on a date, and things are going good.

We end up seriously dating for about a month, and then after we came out to his younger brother, I got the rights to call him my Boyfriend. Everything was going great. So for the past three and half weeks, I've had an amazing boyfriend, a great job, good friends, good school - life was amazing (punt the sn)!.

Until, my mom is fired from her CEO position at a Boys & Girls club. So...my mom and I are packing up, and leaving town. Their is nothing left for her down here, two years, she turned that club right side up...and did so many things.

The hardest part, was letting Jake go. I went over to his house earlier this evening and broke the news to him. I told him that I wouldn't do a long distance relationship, cause I did it once, and it killed me. I told him I would call him once my mom and I got settled back up in LA and I would miss him greatly.

He said nothing, but when I was done talking (after like 10 mins), he got up from the couch, walked over to the door and opened it. He said nothing, I walked by him, and I could tell he was mad. His teeth were pressing against each other, and making his cheek bones come out. I kissed him on the cheek and said "Goodbye" and as I walked out, he slams the door so hard, I could feel the vibration in the ground.

I walked home, felt like shit. I mean, did I do anything wrong? I don't think I did. But he was my first bf since the death of my fiancee nearly 3 years ago. I know he was hurting, but it hurt me more.

I think I need another shot of Vodka.....

 

[luminum]

Basically, you broke it to him hard and swift and expected him to react better because really, it hurt you more.

But did it? Couldn't it have hurt you both the same? Circumstances are circumstances, and you're within your rights to choose whether to keep a relationship or drop it. But it seems the way you did it, you didn't even ask him or care enough to try to ask him for how he felt. What you told him was that you were leaving and you didn't want to try because you had your reasons. Then you kissed him on the cheek said everything you told him all in one word and left. You didn't ask if he wanted to try to work it out, even if you didn't. Did you even ask him if he would miss you because you and your mom might have meant so much to him and his brother?

You have every right to feel guilty. You also have every right not to feel guilty. You had legitimate reasons. But because from what you said, it doesn't seem like you considered him at all, only yourself in this break up, he has every right to feel hurt and to think you're an asshole.

So no. You don't know that it hurt you more. It may just make you feel better to think that it did.

 

[lifeisamazing]

Basically, you broke it to him hard and swift and expected him to react better because really, it hurt you more.

But did it? Couldn't it have hurt you both the same? Circumstances are circumstances, and you're within your rights to choose whether to keep a relationship or drop it. But it seems the way you did it, you didn't even ask him or care enough to try to ask him for how he felt. What you told him was that you were leaving and you didn't want to try because you had your reasons. Then you kissed him on the cheek said everything you told him all in one word and left. You didn't ask if he wanted to try to work it out, even if you didn't. Did you even ask him if he would miss you because you and your mom might have meant so much to him and his brother?

You have every right to feel guilty. You also have every right not to feel guilty. You had legitimate reasons. But because from what you said, it doesn't seem like you considered him at all, only yourself in this break up, he has every right to feel hurt and to think you're an asshole.

So no. You don't know that it hurt you more. It may just make you feel better to think that it did.

Dang, you really know how to knock someone to the ground eh?

I did ask him about his feelings and I wanted him to talk, but he didn't, he just sat there and looked at me as I talked. You have no idea, how much I wanted him to talk...but he didn't. It was like he was forcing his mouth shut for some reason, I did want him to talk.

And don't call me an asshole okay! I have never insulted anyone on this site with a verbal attack, and I except the same courtesy given back to me.

 

[idunoo]

Dang, you really know how to knock someone to the ground eh?

I did ask him about his feelings and I wanted him to talk, but he didn't, he just sat there and looked at me as I talked. You have no idea, how much I wanted him to talk...but he didn't. It was like he was forcing his mouth shut for some reason, I did want him to talk.

And don't call me an asshole okay! I have never insulted anyone on this site with a verbal attack, and I except the same courtesy given back to me.

Lol he didn't call you asshole, he said your BF have every righ t to think you are an asshole on how he act but dont worry you are not an asshole, what more can you do? Leave your mom and live with him? I dont think so, I udnerstand it's hard for yu but also hard for him to, It all happen so fast that he is not ready for it at all. You should have told him that sooner and well make him feel ready, becuase you just one day walk into his hsoue saying you are leaving and live farrr away from him when yesterday still have fun. So it's not yoru fault nor his fault, He just not ready to take it yet and it shock him and he dont know how to control his feeling or anger, but when you get to ......I forgot the sate but w.e you are goign to called him adn talk it out....but long distance relationship dont ...usauly haev good result, but nto alway true some did

 

[texan_slant]

Well here is *my* perspective - he is hurting just as much as you are.

Here is another point - (which is entirely my perspective of course): do you consider him more than a boyfriend, and more like a soul mate? If so, my first compulsion might not have been about letting it go because "long distance relationships" don't work out for you. My first intuition would probably have been - how can we make this work?

...unless, of course, he was someone who you were first learning about and he's not quite the one yet.

I am definitely not trying to minimize the fact that you hur - I just owuld like to put it all into perspective...

Though you are a victim of circumstance - your life situation is such that you need to move with your mom. On the other hand, actions speak louder than words, and perhaps your approach with telling him wasn't the greatest. I guess my point is that actions speak louder than words and you might want to put yourself in his shoes.

Josh was the one who asked you out, and he came out to you, so he really seems to care (just as much as you do). Then, the rug gets pulled out from under him, and your first intuition sounds like it was to let go rather than "take it one day at a time and see how this will work."

Perhaps you might want to talk it through with him, and if he's not receptive, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Jesterful]

I don't usually respond to posts at least not often....but I had to reply to yours.

I am not clear as to why this all must end. You have what appears to be a loving and possiblity filled situation here. You said that your Mom " started acting like a Mom to them", so she obviously likes and approves...I don't get it.

Why are you moving away...why is Mom moving away when the Universe is offering you such opportunity right in front of your face?

We all often look for models to shape our relationships and lifestyles around. Sometimes we just need to reinvent ourselves and expectations.

What if you all stayed together? What if the sum of you (Mom included) became a new and awesome family?

Please if not for the common sense part of it all...then at least for all of us who struggle each day to just find someone to love...please, please rethink the options before you throw away a potentially great life with some people who need and love you....?

 

[G-Lexington]

So you're moving away with your mother, because although she can manage on her own, it's much better with you around to help.

So you broke up with your boyfriend of a month. You walked over and made it a clean break, telling him that you refused to do a long-distance relationship, since you've done that once before, and it "killed you".

So he acted childish when you broke the news, and you're drowning your sorrows in vodka.

...and you're nineteen?

Lex

 

[backpacker]

I have to agree with those who say you should have included him in the decision. I know you say you gave him a chance to talk, but I get the impression that it was after you told him what you had already decided. I think he handled your announcement in a very mature manner.

I also don't understand why your mom losing her job must result in her moving to LA and you moving with her. Your mom made the decision to move knowing that you were in a relationship. Surely she didn't expect you to drop your bf just because she wants to move back to LA, did she? Did you have input on making the decision to move? Did the two of you discuss your bf before making the decision? Does your mom expect you to move to LA with her or did she tell you that you could either move or stay?

I may have the wrong impression, but the impression that I have is that your bf factored very little in the decision. Imagine how he feels, knowing you picked moving to LA over him. You also decided to drop him rather than trying to work it out somehow. I know you are hurting, but at least you had a choice in the matter. I think if you analyze it, there is a reason why you made the choices that you did. I doubt that deep down you believed this would be a long term relationship even if you stayed in San Diego. Sure you liked him a lot, but you weren't in love. That's apparent by your decision making. You made the decisions that you felt that were best for you. I know that making tough decisions hurts, but I don't think it will take you long to get over this.

 

[backpacker]

I think my post may have been a little hard on you. It wasn't meant to be hard, but rather to help you understand how your ex must be feeling and to help you learn from your mistakes. I think your decision making process may have been a little flawed, but given the tough circumstances, you probably would have ended up with the same decision. I also understand that you are hurting and I know it's hard. Give it a little time, things will get better.

PS - I came back to edit my post, but too much time had passed I couldn't edit it.

 

[timnmostud]

I'm not sure his reaction was that off the mark. From your description, you came in broke the news, told him your decision and left! It sounds like it was a bit out of the blue! I'm not sure how you expected him to act. Maybe if he had a little more warning it would have helped. Obviously, it didn't mean enough to you to try any other solution. I would imagine he figured there was no room for discussion, let you say your piece, whcih would have made it clear that your feelings for him and his feelings, whatever they are, were second to everything else. I don't hink thta is a harsh evaluation as you explained it. It is just the situation as it is.

 

[confusedboy23]

I can really 'picture' the pain that he would be feeling right now. I feel for you too however I really think (like most here do) that you could have at least sat down and really had a chat with him before making that decision to stick with your 'oh, I can't do long distance'. I'm not sure what the situation is right now, but maybe you could calm down and just just lay all the issues on the table and talk it over. Time may be running out, but until it does, you shouldn't stop trying!

 

[lifeisamazing]

Okay, perhaps I did it all wrong, and going over there, to his house, and dropping that bomb was wrong - but what else can i do?

My mom and I have TEN days to pack up our house, find a new one, and move! And this isn't moving three blocks away, this is moving 130 miles, from San Diego to Los Angeles. So I really didn't have time to do a proper break up, as I am typing to you, my room is half in boxes.

And during the process I really, really, really, really tried to make it a two way conversation. I would pause in some places...waiting for him to speak, but he would motion for me to keep talking. I wanted him to talk, and yes this was his first "Gay" relationship, and I don't think he acted childish. After I slept on it, and thought about it, yes there are some areas, where I could have done it better. But it was the best I could have done at that moment.

After I am done here, I am going to finish packing up my room and my mom and I are meeting my brother and sister in law up in LA and look for a new home.


And the drinking Vodka thing -- I never drink, its something I never waste my time with, I in fact don't even like the taste of most alcohol. Just for some reason, I had a few shots, I was barely buzzed.



Anyway....lets just leave it all at that.

 

[luminum]

Dang, you really know how to knock someone to the ground eh?

I did ask him about his feelings and I wanted him to talk, but he didn't, he just sat there and looked at me as I talked. You have no idea, how much I wanted him to talk...but he didn't. It was like he was forcing his mouth shut for some reason, I did want him to talk.

And don't call me an asshole okay! I have never insulted anyone on this site with a verbal attack, and I except the same courtesy given back to me.

Now that we know that you did, then all is well in that division.

And no, I didn't call you an asshole. But I do feel that he probably thinks you are one.

What I don't agree with is comparing and minimizing the pain he may or may not be feeling about this. You can feel free to hurt all you want, but his pain is just as great if he hasn't decided to just harden his heart to you and your mother and anyone else for fear of abandonment issues.

And yes, you are a victim of circumstance, and you had every right not to continue the relationship because of what you mentioned. If you know this, then there's no sense in feeling bad because you did what you had to do for you and your mother. You don't have time or energy to care about two other people x-miles away.

 

[confusedboy23]

this is moving 130 miles, from San Diego to Los Angeles.

I'm new to this country and I ain't sure about distances. I had thought 130 miles was a lot but when I converted that to kilometers (I grew up with metrics), I thought "Hell NO". That's 200 kilometers. I'm not sure on the road condition but heck, that's just 2 hours on a highway doing 100km/h!!!

I'm sorry, but I would say that is absolutely NOT long distance!