Libido Woes

[G-Lexington]

First off, it's EXTREMELY rare for anyone in your age range to be as uninterested in sex as you are. So first off, I'd say a trip to the doctor is in order to make sure there's nothing physically wrong.

Secondly, marriage is about compromise. You're going to have to reconcile your two sex drives - that's what happens whenever two people get married. In your case, though, you're both a LONG ways away from finding common ground. But find it you must, if you want this relationship to work.

I'd suggest not looking at giving your partner a handjob a "chore". It's not like washing the dishes. It's giving your partner pleasure. I feel good when I make my partner feel good - that's if I give him flowers, or a back rub, or a blow job. I don't consider those things "chores" - I like doing them because he likes me doing them.

This doesn't mean you should be tossing your partner off every two hours if that's how often he "needs" it. You'll need to find a frequency that you both can live with - every other day? once a week? - at least until your libido starts kicking in. And make sure he's filling your needs. Would you like something else physical from him? Slow make-out sessions? Your back scratched? Your feet massaged? This is the give-and-take part.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[MainEntry]

I think there are at least two things happening here:

1) You are likely a person with many interests, and those interests probably mean that you are not bored and therefore have time on your hands to contemplate having sex. You also probably have a somewhat low sex drive. I can certainly identify with you, since that has mostly been my experience.

2) You may, like me, feel like sex become an obligation in a relationship that lasts a while. Believe me, I have almost always felt this way except with a couple of partners who had somewhat low sex drives like me and when it "happened" it really happened!

In my case, I have simply lived with these two realities and made the best of them. My current BF is horny most of the time, I am not, but I'm happy to have sex with him because I like the closeness, etc. This is a compromise.

If you really want to make changes to your life, you'll need to see an M.D. about the sex drive and a relationship therapist about the "being trapped" business. If you are happy with who you are, then don't worry about it.

 

[Shepherd 2]

First let me say, that I would suggest
that your future partner is in need of awareness
that we are talking about relationship.
You are not a pimp or some man he brings
home each night.

The fact is, even at 67 and 18 years of relationship,
I can relate to him real well.
I would know how to arouse your interest,
and perhaps to arouse your libido as well.
If you are depressed or have a medical problem
that could be a real difficulty.
Have you seen a doctor (urologist)?

He may have to make some adjustments and if
he doesn't that will undoubtedly be a real turn off for you.
Maybe after all this is not the right relationship for you.
Can you bear to even entertain this question?
Better to decide this now than after a formal commitment
ceremony. Wish you well.
Shep+

 

[nsguy2]

It certainly could be "having a full plate", not to mention the stress of getting married and being pressured/guilted into having sex.

I hate to say this but could also be that you two are not compatible and if you can't communicate with each other, you may never be able to figure out what's going on.



My advice: you're going to somehow have to convince him to discuss you're feelings with you.



If you can do this, please, please listen to what he has to say. When I say listen, I mean actually listen and try not to formulate your next response while he's still talking.

 

[LuvBoys]

Boy I could have written this topic. I was in the same situation roughly. I was with someone for 3 years and it seems like after about a year and a half I just didn't want to have sex anymore. It's just like you said it felt like an obligation almost and he wouldn't jack off, so it put a bit more pressure on me.

Part of my reason was I wasn't very sexually attracted to him, but I think mostly the "process" of having sex wasn't appealing. It's like I have to spend 30 minutes on foreplay, and then there's preparation and cleanup and then you have to turn around and recipricate. I like jacking off because you look at some porn, then 10 minutes later you can move on with your day, whereas sex has to be "special" and it's time consuming and quite frankly just didn't want to be bothered taking an hour or 2 out of the day to deal with it.

Probably selfish, but I understand what you mean. We're not together anymore and our sexual incompatibility was part of the reason quite honestly. If you don't have a sexual relationship with your boyfriend you might as well just be best friends. I think I've heard Sue Johansen talk about scheduling sex every few days or whatever you agree on and then it will come more naturally and spontaneously. Maybe that will work, but you will need to come to some sort of concolusion because this sort of problem can cause serious strain on a relationship and can bring up whole other issues on top of it (such as self esteem, "he doesn't have sex with me because I'm not attractive" stuff)

 

[Fiorino]

As stated earlier, a trip to your doctor is a must. I had the same problem, although I am older than you. I always had a strong sex drive and several steady guys. It just got to be a chore, although I loved the body contact, etc. Told my doctor, did some tests, found that my testosterone level was abnormallly low, started taking medication and a great time is now had by all.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Cut it short and hit your doc. Don't even look into it before you eliminate the most likely cause of your problems. Probably, your low testosterone level...

Do not overfill your plate. You want to enjoy your life and sex is meant to be joy. So, practice makes perfect.

Adopt a positive attitude. Your BF wants and needs sex. It does not mean that you should be on your fours every 45 minutes making sure, he gets his pleasure but, yeah, you want to make sure that he does get his fair share, too.

Dude, it comes with the territory, so go for it.

SC