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Living with a homophobic housemate

S

scmhon

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Hi JUB, after having an argument in the house with this homophobic housemate a few hours ago, I just need somewhere to express my anger and take in some comments.

Some background about this housemate: we are in the same college, met each other a year ago during college freshers' events. At the time, everyone was trying to be nice to each other and make some new friends. During one of these freshers' events, he asked me if I were gay in front of a few of our new friends. I was like 'right..... yes i am'. Everyone in the group was shocked and there was a 5 second awkward silence. After the 5 second, he said 'I am cool with it man, I am cool with it'. But deep inside my head, I was like wtf, whats all this about, i don't need you to be cool with it if I am gay or not. Since then I was never a fan of him. I was just trying to play nice for the year as we have some common friends, but he seems clear to me he is homophobic. Even some of our common friends realised he made some homophobic comments sometimes.

This year, we got put into the same house (damn college housing!) and I have made it clear to him I don't want to engage in any form of conversation with him. If he asked me a question, I would answer with a one-word response. He knows that I do not like him at all, so we hardly talk to each other. Until this evening...

As I will be making a house dinner tomorrow and everyone in the house is invited. However he never responded to the invitation and I need to know the number of people to cater for. While I was making dinner in the kitchen this evening, he walked in, so I asked him if he is going to the dinner tomorrow. He replied 'ohhhhh, I thought I was doing you a favour'. I was like 'hurh?? so are you going or not?' He said 'I wont be going for the dinner, I thought I was doing you a favour'. I said 'ok, but there is no favour need to be done'.

After 10 seconds of silence, he said 'you were being a dick to me throughout the whole year, and all I said was Im cool with it to reassure that it is ok for me'. Deep inside my head I was thinking that he apparently knows where things went wrong. But I was holding a knife at the time cutting some onions, so I replied 'this is not the best time to have the conversation'. But he insisted to have it and said 'you were being a dick of accusing me to be homophobic while clearly I am not because I said im cool with it, and I can be as much of a dick to you as well'. Then I replied 'its not just about what you said, it is your expression. It is written on your face you are a homophobe. And thats the first impression I get from you. If you're not, then show it to me'. He said 'Well, you can go and fuck yourself, I don't need to show you if im homophobic or not...'

Long story short, with around 5 more minutes of accusation from both sides, someone else walked into the kitchen and the argument stopped.

What should I do now? I'm not thinking of moving house as I enjoy my other housemates and I have been living in the same room for 2 years and I really like it. I just have to ignore him? Treat him as a piece of transparent glass probably for the next 2 years down the road? I think if I manage to do this, I will be a much stronger person (personality-wise).
 
Like most disputes, this is probably complicated, but you give a good gist of what's going on.

From the chronology, it seems like you two got off on the wrong foot from the very beginning, when he tactlessly asked you if you were gay in front of new friends and acquaintances. You then heard, through the grapevine, that he's made homophobic comments. Putting two and two together, you came to a conclusion that this was not a person you were going to like.

Whether or not that was justified is really a secondary issue. The primary issue is the relationship you have with a housemate you don't like, and have never liked since he offended you at the very beginning. He's accused you of being a "dick." Have you been? Look past whether or not being so would be justified, the real question is have you been?

Today, you accused him of being homophobic, and he denies it for whatever reason (obviously possibilities are he either isn't, really, or he is but can't admit to your face).

You ask what you should do now? Sit him down and hash it out. Either come to an understanding about each other, or agree to disagree. Having this negative tension and energy in the house is not good (and no, you two won't hide it) for anyone and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Instead, I would recommend that you talk this out with him. Tell him that he irritated and offended you that first night when he tactlessly asked you if you were gay if front of everyone. Then, you can even tell him the hearsay you heard about homophobic comments he made. I would convey this information neutrally, not in an accusatory way. Give him the freedom and chance to admit that, deep down, he's really NOT "cool with it" and doesn't like gay people--if that's how he really feels. It's better to have this fact (if it is a fact) out in the open and agree to disagree if you have to.

He's picked up on the fact that you don't like him--he gets that. He is probably also close to writing you off like you've written him off. But, what's worse, you've unfortunately given him a lot of reason to disrespect you and actively dislike you.

None of this is good for either of you, nor your other housemates. I bet you this could be straightened out in one heart-to-heart conversation. Even if you both are honest with each other, and end up not agreeing or not wanting to spend a lot of time together, at least you will both be heard and can agree to disagree and maintain a civil living relationship. There could be mutual respect formed on both sides, rather than disrespect and active dislike.
 
I'd say to open the lines of communications with him. He's clearly uncomfortable with it and you could play a role in opening his mind. Yes, he was a dick to talk about your sexuality like that in front of people you barely knew, but I doubt he did it maliciously if he knew he was going to later room with you. My suggestion is to talk to him about your concerns, without piling on (since it isn't fair and good to feel like you're being hit with a year's worth of shit at once). Make a friend or acquaintance out of him. You just never know when your paths might cross again.

He's going to have to deal with gay people the rest of his life while you will have to deal with ignorance assholes the rest of yours. You might as well making this into a lesson learned so that the next time you encounter an asshole, you can deal with it without this passive-aggressive co-existence arrangement you have with each other.
 
Nothing in your post made it in any way appear that the guy is homophobic. The picture I got was that he asked you a question at an inappropriate time, you drew a bunch of conclusions from it, and have been a dick to him since. He has no reason to be nice to you, and he really doesn't owe you to prove anything to you.

If there is stuff that would paint him as a homophobe, I don't see it in your post, so maybe you can elaborate?
 
Sounds like you're in the wrong and are playing the victim. Check your story before you post it on a forum like this.
 
I agree with Rolyo......someone is being a dick......and it's not your housemate.
Your move.......if, indeed, you want to be a stronger person.
 
The lesson to be learned here is that you don't know what someone is thinking or feeling unless you ask them and they tell you.

Even if this guy were homophobic, which many people are, he was making an effort. You may be the first person that has met who is gay. He may perfectly fine with. He may be uncomfortable. If you want to come to some sort of amicable solution, have a discussion in which you listen instead of talking and don't put words in each other's mouths.
 
Rolyo85 said:
Nothing in your post made it in any way appear that the guy is homophobic. The picture I got was that he asked you a question at an inappropriate time, you drew a bunch of conclusions from it, and have been a dick to him since. He has no reason to be nice to you, and he really doesn't owe you to prove anything to you.

If there is stuff that would paint him as a homophobe, I don't see it in your post, so maybe you can elaborate?
Click to expand...


Just to further elaborate/clarify, I personally think that I have done nothing (super) mean to him. What I did was trying to avoid having a one-to-one conversation with him throughout the year. I would still reply to his questions if we do see each other in gathering/chilling out in a group, but with a very short response. And i think he only realised where things went wrong in the first place after one of our common friends told him about it recently. He was exaggerating the situation by saying I was being a dick to him throughout the whole year while we have only seen each other (together with other friends) probably less than 5 times in the past year. In addition, whenever you start a conversation/confrontation with someone with 'your were a dick...', I dont think the conversation would go well and its a very rude thing to do.

As for how I got the (additional) impression he is a homophobe, when we had a conversation in a group about gay/homosexuality, he would comment something like 'why would 2 guys wanna fuck each other, its just weird', 'they would be in jail if they were in muslim countries', 'there's this guy at work and I think he's gay, probably I should stay away from him'. He said comments like that even while I was physically in the group. I didnt reply to those comments even my blood was f*cking boiling inside. Ones might say he's just giving his personal opinions and we shouldnt prosecute people for being/acting themselves, but he should really be a lot more sensitive to his surrounding. For me I think those words are just showing how homophobic he is.
 
^^^ And that's why you should tell him how ignorant these comments are. Ask him, "Did you choose to be straight?"

You're dropping the ball here. You can make progress within yourself by standing up for yourself and possibly change this buffoon's views.
 
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." -Oscar Wilde

Aside from that quote, I have this for you: do not give this person such power over you. Look at how you let him irk you and get you riled-up.

From what you describe of him, my first thoughts were, "the lady doth protest too much, methinks." Is there a chance he may be a bit curious and is a bit sweet on you?

In the end, perhaps you two can learn from one another.
 
He said he was cool with it. Whether you totally believed it or not, you should have held him at his word and given him a chance to prove it.

Instead it looks like you jumped to a conclusion and then, by the way you treated him for over a year, it looks like you were obsessing about nothing else.

To be honest I think you owe him the apology. Think about it, you make it clear that you don't like him with every brush-off, every one-word reply, every glance. And then you're surprised that he's not coming to dinner. And that he thinks it should be obvious he's not coming to dinner. I think it's obvious too.
 
That. The way to treat homophobes - when they are such - is to challenged them, to try and get them to see how what they are saying is wrong. But you didn't try to get to know the guy, you initially dismissed him as something he started your relationship with saying he wasn't, AND you proceeded to treat him coldly. Which, btw, is a big deal, and makes people mad, especially when they aren't aware of what the reason is.

- - - Updated - - -

palbert said:
Question: are you heterophobic? Give it some thought.
Click to expand...

Haha, awesome! I know a lot of people who are.
 
I agree that you have a chance to educate him about being gay. He asked "why would two guys want to have sex?" He asked you in front of several people if you were gay. I dont think he understands that gay people are born gay and it's not a choice. You very well may be the first gay person he's ever met and it's all new to him. While his asking you was inappropriate the way you responded to him isn't right either. He may have been raised to believe being gay is a choice and since he's straight he can't understand why you would choose to be gay. I just get the impression that he's totally ignorant about gay people and you're giving him the impression we're a bunch of jerks. He said he was ok with it and has repeated it. Now help him understand that you didn't choose to be gay.

Steven.
 
palbert said:
Question: are you heterophobic? Give it some thought.
Click to expand...

how does that fit into the situation?

Anyway, I would be almost certain to say that i am not. Most of my friends in my life are straight including my best mates; I do not have many gay friends. This is also one of the reasons why I have to post this at JUB as i do not think my mates who are straight would actually understand the situation.

Given the similar situation, if someone asks a guy 'are you straight?' and then responded with a 5 second silence and 'im cool with it', I do not think they would feel anything.
 
the good old silent treatment. guaranteed to never work. I really think you could clear this up and at least finish the year without having this tension between the two of you. It doesn't mean you have to be best friends with the guy but you wouldn't have to be enemies either. I'm sure your other housemates don't care for the added drama either. try to talk it out with him like an adult. no name calling or attitude. give the guy a chance. It sounds like he thinks you're upset with him because you think he doesn't like gay people. he said he's "ok" with it so he doesn't understand why your ignoring him. He was going to leave before the party to avoid added drama. He didn't say "I don't want to be around fags." Going by what you've written I don't think he's homophobic. He doesn't have the best manners or social skills but many people dont.

Steven

Steven
 
.
mmmm i think two gays having a personality clash.
Both are in the wrong.
 
Georgiadude said:
the good old silent treatment. guaranteed to never work. I really think you could clear this up and at least finish the year without having this tension between the two of you. It doesn't mean you have to be best friends with the guy but you wouldn't have to be enemies either. I'm sure your other housemates don't care for the added drama either. try to talk it out with him like an adult. no name calling or attitude. give the guy a chance. It sounds like he thinks you're upset with him because you think he doesn't like gay people. he said he's "ok" with it so he doesn't understand why your ignoring him. He was going to leave before the party to avoid added drama. He didn't say "I don't want to be around fags." Going by what you've written I don't think he's homophobic. He doesn't have the best manners or social skills but many people dont.

Steven

Steven
Click to expand...

very good advice right there.
 
I think the guy deserves a chance too. A lot of people make inappropriate comments without even realizing so this might be the case. It's too sad that you guys have had a bad relationship all year just because of miscommunication and he obviously resents it.
 
bankside said:
He said he was cool with it. Whether you totally believed it or not, you should have held him at his word and given him a chance to prove it.

Instead it looks like you jumped to a conclusion and then, by the way you treated him for over a year, it looks like you were obsessing about nothing else.

To be honest I think you owe him the apology. Think about it, you make it clear that you don't like him with every brush-off, every one-word reply, every glance. And then you're surprised that he's not coming to dinner. And that he thinks it should be obvious he's not coming to dinner. I think it's obvious too.
Click to expand...

I agree with this.

Sounds like he was trying to make the best of things and you've been determined to make the worst out of things.
 
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