I know this whole cliche about being alone in a big city might sound a little too common but it is what it is. No matter how welcomed you feel in a new city you decided to settle in, there is always this little part of you that consumes you and makes you feel depressed about it. This little part that enforces the belief that we are alone and everything is against us. To me, it manifest itself once in a while to grab me and pull me down into the abyss of loneliness. I then ask myself a few questions:
1) Why am I doing all these? Is it worth it?
2) Do friends really exist? We call everyone whom we have interacted with at least twice in our lives our friend just because we have spoken to them and a kind of rapport at that moment just springs up! But do we mean it? Do we really take people for real in this city? Are all these just ways to assure us that we have friends?
3) Thought the gay scene here might solve the problem of number 2. But it doesn't! All them nasty dramas just seem to creep into my life at least twice a month. Is it really worth the time to invest in friendships with other gay guys? Or have I not met the right group?
4) What am I really doing here?! My visa has not arrived and it has been at least 2 months since I've submitted all necessary documents. All my dreams, all my hopes are based on this one little process: to get the visa and all can be kick-started! Why am I going through all these trouble?
Yes, these are not just 4 questions, but 4 situations which I have run into and have asked myself in such a defeatist fashion in this big city called London. I feel suffocated and felt like every inch of my enthusiasm is slowly being sucked away by this unwillingness to submit to failure. Time will only tell if I actually go crazy and allow Thanatos to claim me.
1) Why am I doing all these? Is it worth it?
2) Do friends really exist? We call everyone whom we have interacted with at least twice in our lives our friend just because we have spoken to them and a kind of rapport at that moment just springs up! But do we mean it? Do we really take people for real in this city? Are all these just ways to assure us that we have friends?
3) Thought the gay scene here might solve the problem of number 2. But it doesn't! All them nasty dramas just seem to creep into my life at least twice a month. Is it really worth the time to invest in friendships with other gay guys? Or have I not met the right group?
4) What am I really doing here?! My visa has not arrived and it has been at least 2 months since I've submitted all necessary documents. All my dreams, all my hopes are based on this one little process: to get the visa and all can be kick-started! Why am I going through all these trouble?
Yes, these are not just 4 questions, but 4 situations which I have run into and have asked myself in such a defeatist fashion in this big city called London. I feel suffocated and felt like every inch of my enthusiasm is slowly being sucked away by this unwillingness to submit to failure. Time will only tell if I actually go crazy and allow Thanatos to claim me.