Lonely...

[SydneyBoy91]

I’m not 100% sure why I’ve written this, I’m truthfully not expecting this to get much more than some page views and zero replies, but you never know I suppose...

I’m 18 years old and grew up in the Sydney region with my Mum, two sisters and a brother. I moved onto high school with some friends from primary school, so I didn’t really have to go out of my way to make “new friends” and that group sort of formed by itself. I understand now that it’s true that High School is rarely a pleasant experience for anyone, for me I bullied pretty badly during my first year...which looking back now is probably major reason of why I never really liked High School and began to regularly miss days.

For the most part I was able to keep up with the school work, but by year 10 I was getting close to not receiving my school certificate. I did get my School Certificate and with no conceivable alternative I returned to do year 11, at that point though there was a lot going on in my personal life (severe family matters etc), probably somewhat depressed and coupled with still missing school, I couldn’t see where my life was headed and what I was supposed to be getting out of school. It eventually took its toll on me and by around September of that year I had left school and was more or less lost with what to do with myself.

Through those years I would still regularly meet up with friends and go out to the movies and do what kids do. I’ve never been a very out-going person or anything, but I still thought I was at least a friend to some of those people but I never heard back from them when I eventually left school and as pathetic as it sounds, that really tore me up inside. So there I was just out of school and crying to myself to sleep at night wondering what I was going to do with myself and how none of the people I considered to be close friends of mine for a number of years never actually cared about what was happening and had happened to me...

So that was roughly two years ago now, in that time I eventually got over never actually having friends and discovered what I wanted to do with myself. I managed to get mid-year entrance to university and have been doing that since last month.

One major thing that’s been gnawing at me quite a bit though is how lonely I’ve become. I’m 18, Can’t recall when I had a genuine friend, never been in a relationship and....to make things just that little bit harder, I’m fairly positive that I’m gay....Over the years I haven’t given it much thought, but during high school I was only looking at guys, straight porn doesn’t do anything for me and when pathetically fantasizing about actually being in a relationship...it’s always with a guy. Now, of course I’m lucky to still have my family I just don’t have (quite literally) anybody to talk to about...well...many things.

It’s amusing in its own (although weird) way that although I’ve finally taken a step forward with my life in enrolling in Uni and planning for my career, I’m still really lonely...I get up in the morning, head to Uni and sit by myself all day while looking around at all these people in their groups who’ve known each other all year (whereas I’ve come in mid-year with no way to know who’s in the same shoes as me) I’ve become that stereotypical loner that you see on tv/movies and I hate it.

Yes I know, I’m only 18 and have so much more ahead of me...That doesn’t make it less hard than it already is, everything up to this point is making me think that maybe I’m destined to be this isolated, loner of a person for the rest of my life. You also may or may not have picked up on this as well but I’m not the most confident person these days and I can admit to having low self-esteem and poor self-image...I’m not obese, super thin or anything...but I’m certainly nowhere near what’s considered average these days and I personally can’t see why anybody would want to hang around with me....let alone a potential boyfriend.

So that’s a brief summary of me I suppose...If you’ve read this far through and have been in similar circumstances or can relate in any way or have general advice, I’ve love to hear from you, and thanks for reading.

 

[Corny]

Welcome to JUB.

Get involved with something.
What are your hobbies? What do you like to do when you are on your own? Most of it you can probably do with more people together. Join a sports team or whatever-hobby-club, join a gay youth-group to figure out more about yourself and meet other people in similar situations.

You did the firs step: You acknowledged your situation and you are at the point that you see it shouldn't go on like that. Then it now is the time to act. Things won't change if you think or talk about them - now you need to act. Sydney is full of people from all over the world, I am sure you will find some nice guys or girls

 

[Eagle653]

Hi and welcome to JUB from me too.

My first year at uni was a disaster. I hated every minute of it, mostly because I picked the wrong school and had to wait until semester ended to transfer to the right one. Coupled with that, though, was a deep feeling of isolation and feeling disconnected to everyone around me. That is not a period of my life that I look back on fondly!

Corny gives some good suggestions. Do you think you are clinically depressed? If so, visit with a school counselor. If you are depressed, then sometimes it's difficult to see your way out of the situation you're in and into a happier period of life--a period in which you're connected with friends, and perhaps a lover.

Either way, getting connected is the answer. Figure out what interests you have and would like to share with others. I'm sure there's something for everyone in Sydney, and perhaps on your campus. Chances are, whatever interests you, are interests of gay people as well. Search them out and become friends. Meet friends of friends and develop a network. This doesn't happen in a week, but it can happen over several weeks and months.

You're not alone. Good luck to you and keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[rareboy]

hey Booboo,

I feel for you.

You're obviously smart. Probably pretty good looking. As long as you put some effort into your clothes and hair and posture.

Time to let your flags fly there.

As the others have suggested, school isn't only going to classes.

But you have to make the effort here. You need to go out of your way to be friendly, to smile at all your classmates and to connect with as many of them as you can.

So. spend some time at the student centre. Volunteer for something that you're interested in.

Be open to anything and everything.

You may need a little more help than the run of the mill lonely 18 year old though. Don't be afraid to seek out some professional guidance and counselling at this stage of your life. It is possible that you're still dragging around depression from a couple of years ago.

 

[Robarob]

Hi there.

Reading what you wrote gave me an eerie sense of familiarity. For me, though, it all happened a bit later. I switched off through high school emotionally and went to uni before things started to 'hit' me. But the 'friends' I had during high school kinda disappeared once school finished. And even during school I always felt like the one doing all the leg work.

I went to the local university, but like the others have said, there's a huge difference between going to uni and actually experiencing it. Being closeted myself at the time, I spent as little time as possible there, and consequently really didn't enjoy myself. It's taken me almost three years to start to experience life. I've finally got myself a few really good close friendships, but to get there, I've had to put in the effort.

For years, I felt as though I was just going through the motions of life, and just really started to dread the weekends, when I wasn't being kept busy by anything and so had time to think. I'm now taking steps to try and 'live' as opposed to meerly exist. I'm still like you in that I have low self-image and low self-esteem, but I know these things are just in my own head. The key to conquering them is actually believing in yourself, which is a lot easier said than done.

The biggest blockage was myself - I chose not to come out to anyone because I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household. I'm not going to ask about your personal curcumstances because everyone has their reasons and while advice can be given from any number of places, in the end it's up to the individual to decide what's best for them.

That said, for me, once I'd lifted the barrier, I was able to see a future, goals, and a life for myself that was actually livable and had direction, rather than an existance which was going nowhere. In terms of advice, I will echo what's already been said - your uni experience wil be what you make it - next time you're in a class, have a look and see who else is there. Say 'hi' to someone, complain about the workload, talk about the weather (that might only apply to Britain) - even if you think you're talking about nothing in particular, at least you'll be talking about nothing with someone, rather than thinking about how you're not talking to anybody - that can become quite a vicious cycle.

Anyway, good luck - hope writing to us has helped you.

 

[kissthesky88]

Yes I know, I’m only 18 and have so much more ahead of me...That doesn’t make it less hard than it already is, everything up to this point is making me think that maybe I’m destined to be this isolated, loner of a person for the rest of my life. You also may or may not have picked up on this as well but I’m not the most confident person these days and I can admit to having low self-esteem and poor self-image...I’m not obese, super thin or anything...but I’m certainly nowhere near what’s considered average these days and I personally can’t see why anybody would want to hang around with me....let alone a potential boyfriend.

so first off, ::long, tight hug::

as someone who was eighteen not too long ago, i genuinely feel for you; you're at a huge turning point in your life. being eighteen is the greatest, most wonderful thing, but at the same time, it's excruciatingly painful and emotionally exhausting. anything can be devastating and everything feels like the end of the world. so i'm going to give you the best advice that i've ever received. it's really redundant but whatever:

love yourself. take heart. stop judging yourself through the eyes of other people. make the most of yourself and of the incredibly short time you have here on this earth, because you're the only you you ever be, and every second you spend unhappy is one you can never get back.

if you're not obese or super thin... then you in actuality are of "normal" proportions buddy, plus you're eighteen. you're in the prime of your life. if you wanna lose weight, now is the perfect time. your hormones and metabolic rate are the highest they're ever going to be. if you wanna gain muscle, start lifting some weights, eat lot's of lean proteins and leafy vegetables. but *most* importantly: if you wanna make friends and have people like you, you must learn how to be your own friend and like yourself first. how could you expect someone else to love you if you don't even like yourself? love yourself dude. i'm sure you're a wonderful person. you believe that don't you?

 

[mishima75]

*hugs*
you may want to figure out if yr an introvert or an extrovert - it's got nothing to do with whether yr likeable or you like people, but whether you feel energised by being around people, esp in groups, or you get your energy back by being on your own or by having conversations with small groups of people. that's gonna influence what types of activities open up for you...
definitely check out your uni's GLBT group - though it may seem really intense at first, even if you sit in the corner and watch, someone is likely to come over and talk with you. you'll also find other groups - maybe in your study area - that might be useful for low stress events with interesting people.
sydney's also got lots of glbt social groups - some according to suburbs, some according to interests - pick up a copy of the sydney star or search online.
yr uni will also have counsellors as part of their health services - maybe you could talk with one of them about ways of boosting your self esteem?

 

[tydd1985]

Hugs from Melbourne.

Cant believe u feel lonely in the gayest city on the world. You can come to Melbourne and be my best friend.

 

[hotb0d]

I know how you feel. It's tough to be in that situation where you just seem to be out of place with everyone else. It's very lonely. You can try to join clubs at your uni, get involve with anything. When I was in your situation, the more I thought about how lonely and how I have no friends, the more depressed I got. But as I started to get involve with different student organizations, I began to forget my problem and before I knew it, I made friends. That's one way to go at this.

another way is to find friends online, use JUB, there are many awesome people on here if I have to say so myself. Chat with them, chat with me....people will listen to you because I believe we all have been through a similar situation. And before you know it, you will start talking about newer and better things in life. You will want to go out there in the real world and start to write your own story because you would want to have stories when you go online and talk to your online friends.....

that's all I started out and got over my little depression 2 years ago. Good luck.

 

[spencer]

also try joining an informal study group. makes classes easier too.