Long distance OPEN gay relationships - Advice!?

[blackberryboy]

I'm in a long distance open gay relationship right now with my boyfriend.
I'm 21 and he's 39. I'm in Germany and he's in London. I've been here since Sept this year and I'm due to return to London for good in the summer of next year. He's come here to see me twice and he's due to come again in 2 weeks. We plan to spend xmas together in London and I plan to travel back to London for weekends in the New Year.
We're in an open relationship and if we do fool around with other people we never talk about it with each other. We've had a few arguments since I've been here but always worked them out quite quickly. After we've argued, I've worried that he may 'fall' for one of his **** buddies (If he has any).
I've fooled around with people here but I'm too in love with my boyfriend and don't want anything more with other guys I've met. My boyfriend also tells me that he loves me everyday and when I've confessed my fears to him about losing him, he's reassured me saying that he will wait for me and that I shouldn't worry.

Am I worrying too much about nothing or should I just chill out and take his word for it and enjoy the time we do have together.
Just to clarify, I AM OK with the open thing (although I don't wanna know about it from him). It's just that when we argue (like most couples do but not very often), I worry that he may look for more with the other guys he might have possibly met since I've been gone. And especially as our last argument and make-up was on Skype. I couldn't be there with him to make up in his arms.

I know he's on a gay dating website and I know that he's logged into that account since we argued and made up over the weekend...

 

[slnattak]

I don't think you're really okay with it honestly. If you were why'd you even ask for advice in the first place?

Most people like to be with one person at a time. Morally it's the healthiest. A lot of people get angry when you tell them that, but they're just letting their true selves show. They know that it's wrong and they feel guilty. =D

Because you really want to be loved but something about the open relationship thing to you feels flighty and like your lover is dismissing you. You really want to be respected and cherished (as well as eroticized) but it's hard to do that when you feel like somebody won't even like you for you. This is human and natural. You want to be adored. You don't want to be passed through like a potato chip and you don't want to do that to others.

I'm not sure what to say to you. Most people just can't get comfortable with being a 'real life whore' and sleeping with lots of people. We all love to fantasize and dream but most of us just can't really do it irl without selling our soul. That's just how it is. =) Sure we might slip up here and there and have our moments but you're just like everybody else: You want a committed, monogamous relationship!

 

[bankside]

Well, I'm in a monogamous relationship, happily so for 12 years, and i don't feel my "moral hygiene" is better than some of the people who choose otherwise.

And monogamous or not, long distance or not, age difference or not, handling conflict while still being secure in the future of your relationship is a necessary skill for you to both work out. Politely. Firmly. And with hugs and kisses.

There are still many factors that would make it very easy for either of you to walk away from this relationship instead of working things out. It is a risk that will go down over time, down when you are able to see each other regularly, and down when you get a better idea of how this "open" thing is going to work for both of you, if at all.

When I imagine what my relationship could be like if it were open, I always think I'd want to know every detail and share everything together. I like my guy. I find him sexy. I find his sex life sexy.

And so far I know what's going on in his sex life because it is pretty much all with me, except for surfing porn sometimes. That level of knowledge turns both of us on, satisfies our curiosity about each other, and brings us together.

If for whatever reason we decided to act on some fantasy involving someone else, I wouldn't want to give up any of those connections with my guy as part of the deal. In fact, if it was a situation I "didn't want to know about," that would actually be my biggest flag that something was wrong. I wouldn't accept "open" on those terms. So I guess I'm not sure what advice to give you because you have a different perspective on it.

Umm. Also, I do think you need to know what he does and how often, and you need to tell him the same, just for basic health reasons. You have to keep each other safe, and part of that safety is knowledge.

 

[blackberryboy]

Thankx for replying.
After reading what you've said both. I think you're right. Because I've now fallen so deeply in love with this guy. I don't think I can handle the secrecy and not knowing who he's messing around with AND whether he's spending more time with them than me. ESPECIALLY after we argue. I want to be the one he's making up and I can't bear the thought of him doing that with some else right now.

I KNOW he loves me. I think he would have dumped me by now if he didn't to be honest. He's always very willing to sort things out if we do argue.

...but I'm young. I've fallen in love for the first time so much so it scares me and I'm worried I'm going to get hurt. I'm especially worried about being dumped for someone else because it would sort of feel like I wasn't there to save it if it could be saved.

Oh well, he will be here next week and we will be spending xmas together. I guess it's not all bad.

 

[Seasoned]

I'll advise you to live a day at a time. Since we can't predict the future it's a waste of time to worry about it. I know it's easier said than done, but do try. And to that end, why muck up today, the only day you have, with arguments. Work on that with him. Older/younger relationships can. I know of several. Oftentimes the older guy worries that as the younger guy matures he'll want to see what was missed by committing so young, while the younger guy worries that his partner is a serial twink seeker and as ge ages he will be replaced. In both cases they are again sometimes more worried about the future than the present. Your open relationship may help if these fears are present.

Place a greased golf ball in each hand. Let one rest in a palms up open hand position and squeeze the one in the other hand as hard as you can. Which will be in your possession longer?

It can be the same with relationships. Treating it tenderly rather than possessively and desperately is the better alternative for both your sakes.

The future takes care of itself and no matter what is ahead you will be able to handle it. If you are unable to quiet your mind try yoga and/or meditation. You ought to be having a life changing experience working in a country other than your own. Now, worry about that a little more and your partner a little less.

 

[chance1]

I applaude your honesty

Not being together makes it hard I imagine

Not an open relationship person here but it seems like the 2 of you are doing it only because you're apart - and you have needs - im guessing

if you were together in london, would you have an open relationship?

if either of you meets someone else that makes you not want to be together then ......... the old it wasn't meant to be applies i think

i don't think people stay together or in love because they don't have other options

we all have other options

it's what we choose that matters

 

[TX-Beau]

Chance is making some sense here. If you’re in an open relationship and one of you walks, it’s not because of the open relationship. Guys in monogamous relationships just call that cheating, but it’s pretty much the same thing.

That said, you are doing one thing that sends up red flags for me. You don’t want to know what he’s up to, for us, we tell each other pretty much everything one way or another, and it doesn’t bother me to hear it, or even participate.

If it bothers you to think about him with someone else, maybe you should revist the whole open relationship question, because really, this only works when both of you are completely committed, and completely secure.

I know where he is, I know what he’s up to, and I know he knows the way home.


Oh and forget that "moral hygiene" crap. Your relationship is yours, define it however it works for you.

 

[recuerdeme]

I'm in a long distance open gay relationship right now with my boyfriend.
I'm 21 and he's 39. I'm in Germany and he's in London. I've been here since Sept this year and I'm due to return to London for good in the summer of next year. He's come here to see me twice and he's due to come again in 2 weeks. We plan to spend xmas together in London and I plan to travel back to London for weekends in the New Year.
We're in an open relationship and if we do fool around with other people we never talk about it with each other. We've had a few arguments since I've been here but always worked them out quite quickly. After we've argued, I've worried that he may 'fall' for one of his **** buddies (If he has any).
I've fooled around with people here but I'm too in love with my boyfriend and don't want anything more with other guys I've met. My boyfriend also tells me that he loves me everyday and when I've confessed my fears to him about losing him, he's reassured me saying that he will wait for me and that I shouldn't worry.

Am I worrying too much about nothing or should I just chill out and take his word for it and enjoy the time we do have together.
Just to clarify, I AM OK with the open thing (although I don't wanna know about it from him). It's just that when we argue (like most couples do but not very often), I worry that he may look for more with the other guys he might have possibly met since I've been gone. And especially as our last argument and make-up was on Skype. I couldn't be there with him to make up in his arms.

I know he's on a gay dating website and I know that he's logged into that account since we argued and made up over the weekend...

I have no advice about how to remedy your situation. I think you open relationships are destined to fail and are a complete farce.

Best thing to do is get into a "real" relationships with out the "openness" and with someone in your city>>>?