Long distance relationship issues

[denvermax87]

Hi, first time poster here! Just here for some advice....

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and he recently moved away to college 2 hours away. I'm 25 years old and working full time. He's 23 and will be attending this college for another 2 years. Over Christmas break he came home and confessed that someone had been flirting with him and even went as far as to touch him while he was drunk. I was obviously very jealous and didn't know how to react. I don't know why but I made the mistake of suggesting an open relationship with him. I guess I felt like I wanted to give him the freedom to scratch whatever itch he needed to. He went back to school after break and within the first week back, he called and confessed that he had messed around with the same guy.

I was so heartbroken and jealous. I confessed that I was wrong in suggesting an open relationship and broke down and cried. He was very sad as well and assured to me that he loved me and that it wouldn't happen again if I wasn't okay with it. He did insist that he still wanted to be friends with this guy even thought I had asked if it was okay that he distance himself. I tell myself that I can trust him but in the back of my mind I feel like he will one day just run away with this new guy in his life... Since the incident, I've been literally obsessing over where he is and who he's with. I will have to admit that we've been closer than ever since it's happened.

I just want to know how I can overcome the jealousy of all this. We wont be able to see each other until he comes home from spring break and I just don't know if I can handle it anymore. As I am writing this, he is over at the guys apartment right now to basically tell him they can't mess around anymore. He has literally been there for 4 hours... won't return any of my text messages. The paranoia keeps getting to me. Help!

 

[looseliam]

Welcome to JUB! I'm sorry it's under these circumstances.

sugar coated version: LDR can work if blah blah blah

Truth be told, there's rarely a good turn-out on long-distance relationships. This situation is going to eat away at you. Every time he's gone you're going to be wondering. I'd make a clean split; I think it's best for you two. It'll suck, don't get me wrong. I think you'll be better off finding someone local - most people are.

 

[hylas]

the jealousy and resentment will just keep building this way.
id break up, and treasure the fond memories. who knows, maybe you get back together some time in the future?

 

[Seasoned]

This isn't about long distance relationship to which I can attest can work (16 of my almost 30 yr relationship was long distance). This is about cheating, about the fact he's in college, about the fact you only see him on school breaks (why not every weekend?) and about the fact you are going to drive yourself nuts with co-dependency.

Even so, if both of you want this it can work, but there are so many hurdles as to make it seem unlikely. With all the hurdles you are facing I suggest you need couple's counseling, but as you don't even have time to see each other that's not even possible.

It would be nice to be able to tell you that love conquers all, but I can't. My own relationship contains a history of pain, sweat and tears that we worked through because we both were on the same commitment page. Relationships aren't about saying, "I love you." They are about showing that love, cliché or not, is about actions speaking louder than words.

I know the pain of anxiety. PM me anytime.

 

[sixthson]

Could you tell us why you have to wait months to see each other when you are only 2 hours away?

 

[Rolyo85]

The problem here is not the distance, but the fact that he is in college. College is a new life, full of new experiences, a new world. It's not that he doesn't love you or wants to cheat. It's that you are part of the "life before college", and that fades very quickly, unless there is a strong reason not to.

I am not saying all is gloom and doom, but you have to understand that he is in a new chapter of his life, and sometimes people just move past their previous relationships while in college. It's sad, but it's nobody's fault. If it's not this random guy flirting with him, it will be another. You can drive yourself nuts with jealousy, or try to be philosophical about it, and resign yourself to the possibility that you may have to move on.

What you CAN'T do, is fixating over this guy, and pinning all of your potential for happiness on him .That way lie paranoia and depression.

 

[loveguys72]

I really can't see why you're jealous. You gave him explicit permission to fool around, and he did. That upset you, so now he says he'll be faithful, but he still wants to see his hook-up as a friend. So, the real question here is: do you trust him to keep his word to you? If you do, then you have to believe he'll honor your wishes for monogamy. If you don't trust him, then regardless of distance, this relationship is already dead.

I suggest to talk to him openly and honestly about what you're feeling and thinking, and listen to his feelings and thoughts. Once you have, I think you'll both know what to do.

Good luck.