Long Distance Relationship

[maxchaser]

Hey guys, this is actually my first proper relationship so I am new to a lot of things in the relationship, unlucky for me it is a long distance one as September has come round and university is starting again.

My partner doesn't live far from home, so thats not a problem but we are far away when I am at Uni, usually during the week and I occasionally pop home weekends. We have been together for over a month now.

Here's my problem, We text each other every day but as of recent it seems to be me who is the one trying to keep in contact, I am always the first one to send a message every day, some days he doesn't reply till either much later or until I send another text. He does have his reasons and a week ago explained that he cannot text all the time in his job and he considers it rude to text amongst other people. I understand this obviously but there are times when I know he could reply but doesn't. I haven't seen him for two weeks now and since then we have called, used msn and texted but it just isn't enough. I'm not sure if he is ignoring me and keeping our relationship very private, which it is already, or that he really is that busy. I haven't had a proper chat with him for 4 days and already I've got lots of things to talk about but they keep building.

This may sound worse than it really is only because he is off on holiday soon and there will be no contact at all probably! So I'm trying to fix a date to meet up before he goes and that is becoming less likely as the time draws nearer.

So, all I'm asking is what would you do in my position.
Thanks

 

[just a guy]

Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain especially if you are at Uni and have the temptation of all kinds of fit hot guys. Some people at JUB would say that long distance relationships are impossible to maintain.

My suggestion would be to give him all the space he needs. Don’t let the excuse for breaking up be his feelings that you’re dominating his time. Test him and let him be the first to text you. If he does you'll know how much he wants to text daily. If he doesn't text you you'll have good information to reduce your expiations.

 

[JB3]

Hey guys, this is actually my first proper relationship so I am new to a lot of things in the relationship, unlucky for me it is a long distance one as September has come round and university is starting again.

My partner doesn't live far from home, so thats not a problem but we are far away when I am at Uni, usually during the week and I occasionally pop home weekends. We have been together for over a month now.

Here's my problem, We text each other every day but as of recent it seems to be me who is the one trying to keep in contact, I am always the first one to send a message every day, some days he doesn't reply till either much later or until I send another text. He does have his reasons and a week ago explained that he cannot text all the time in his job and he considers it rude to text amongst other people. I understand this obviously but there are times when I know he could reply but doesn't. I haven't seen him for two weeks now and since then we have called, used msn and texted but it just isn't enough. I'm not sure if he is ignoring me and keeping our relationship very private, which it is already, or that he really is that busy. I haven't had a proper chat with him for 4 days and already I've got lots of things to talk about but they keep building.

This may sound worse than it really is only because he is off on holiday soon and there will be no contact at all probably! So I'm trying to fix a date to meet up before he goes and that is becoming less likely as the time draws nearer.

So, all I'm asking is what would you do in my position.
Thanks

I'm in a similar situation to you.

One thing that I've learned VERY quickly is that you can't worry about where he is at all times, and you can't worry about him responding. Long distance relationships are already stressful; adding that worry on top of it only adds MORE stress to the situation.

What I've come to understand is that the other person will talk to you as often as they're able. You can't expect them to be at your beck and call 24/7. Most of the time, they're genuinely busy. If they do have free time, even if you know they'd have the opportunity to talk to you, they may just need some time to themselves.

If you're frustrated, tell him. But, at the same time, you need to temper your expectations and realize that you may be expecting more than the other person is capable of.

 

[spencer]

Did you have the talk about having a long distance relationship before you left?

 

[maxchaser]

...My suggestion would be to give him all the space he needs. Don’t let the excuse for breaking up be his feelings that you’re dominating his time. Test him and let him be the first to text you. If he does you'll know how much he wants to text daily. If he doesn't text you you'll have good information to reduce your expiations.

Thanks for this, I will probably try this tomorrow and see what happens. Before I used to wake up and have a text from him however it is the other way round now. One of the reasons texting is quite important is that I am deaf and in the deaf culture people are expected to text all the time and reply instantly, also going back to Uni I wake up earlier in the mornings when he is probably still asleep! but some days I don't get anything till the afternoon or evening which can fustrate me sometimes.

@ droid800

thanks for the advice, in fact I wonder whether my partner worries about me and he should have more reasons to, I'll bring this up in a chat sometime and find out whether he does or he is just good at controlling himself and not worrying too much. worrying runs in my family lol

@ spencer

yeah we did talk about it but when we first met we weren't really expecting as strong as a relationship as this, we were just going to be friends sharing our sexuality.

Thanks everyone and I'll let you know how it goes..

 

[tonyboy]

I wish you luck man. but long distance does not work..

You are both young.. and young guys are always meeting new people and always horny.

Best to find someone very close to where you live. Could be you and t his guy will work it out.. but I must say it is not likely.

Don't worry though... you will find the right and proper guy near you.

And man, first time relationships generally don't last long anyway.
Sorry if this sounds pessimistic.. but you will be fine in the long run.

 

[rareboy]

I have to say that if your relationship is expected to stay alive by twittering, it already is moribund and you might as well pull the plug.

Texting is annoying. Eventually it is just a control system, built around unreasonable expectation and the thrill of constant disappointment.

So. make a time each day that you will both be available to talk. Like on the phone. You don't have to tell one another every 15 minutes what random though went through your brain or how much you love one another.

And write letters. With real words and thoughts that express emotion instead of using emoticons.

 

[maxchaser]

Hey, yeah it does worry me a bit when you go on about it probably not working and should move on. I don't think that would be the right time now, maybe in the long run but at the moment I can't see anyone else who I would like to be with, thanks for the advice but for now I'm going to stick with him. We do have our daily chats online but like you said, it doesn't really express much, at least we both have webcams!

Just another thing to ask, as it's my first relationship, is it normal that I am thinking about him nearly all the time. Even when I'm with my friends and stuff? Never had this much emotional attach to another person.

 

[rareboy]

^ Well that is a good sign at least.

 

[Titanic]

Hi maxchaser, it seems that you and I are in very similar situations. I'm at university and will have to continue a long distance (first) relationship with my boyfriend too. Do send me a PM if you feel like it at any point.

We've been going out for about 2 months now, so I've got over the whole "I love you I love you I love you!!!" stage and things are beginning to slow down a little. This is to be expected, of course, and in our case it just means that we're beginning to take things seriously. I expect you'll go through that too.

I found that e-mail worked really well while I was at university before. It's quite cool leaving it for a few days and then getting a great big e-mail about his week. The thing is, there's no way you can go through the near-3-month term sending even one text a day - it would cost you an absolute bomb (I think). It's also a bit of a task for both of you. One thing you've got to learn is that, however sad it may seem, you might have to ignore each other for a lot of the time. Definitely keep up the contact, just reduce it to something like 2 or 3 times a week. It doesn't mean you don't care, it's just a way of coping.

I'm not really sure if I've posted anything useful, but just know that I'm in the same boat as you!

Best of luck.

 

[spencer]

It's not the quantity, it's the quality. If you're talking about weather when you talk, that's not good. If you're keeping texting score, that's not good either. My very first bf, he called every morning and I loved it. Well, when we broke up one of the things he said was he didn't like having to keep up with calling every morning and he's the one who did it! Go try to see him. Nothing like hooking up to remind each other why you're together.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I agree with much of the advice already given above.

Look at it this way, you've only been dating for a month. You may have your pre-conceived notions of communication, but he may also have is. While you want to keep in contact with him, this is an issue that may not cross his mind nor concern him. After all, you've only known him for a month. Yeah, you two have a good time when you're together, but do you know each other well enough where you feel committed emotionally? And for a long-distance relationship, that's important.

I have a feeling in the coming weeks (probably by the time holiday comes up) you probably will not find this situation working out for you. Don't feel bad about it. It just happens. Call it a learning experience when it happens, and be content with yourself to move on.

 

[maxchaser]

I have a feeling in the coming weeks (probably by the time holiday comes up) you probably will not find this situation working out for you. Don't feel bad about it. It just happens. Call it a learning experience when it happens, and be content with yourself to move on.

well I met up with him on Wednesday and I must say after a long chat together we went over what our relationship really is and how, if it does, work out. In both our best interests we decided to just call ourselves as friends, we cannot get too emotionally attached to each other as we probably won't see each other only every few weeks. It is clear we do have feelings for each other and we will always be more than just friends but it will be no couple for us.

I completely understood this as of our current situations, some of which I haven't mentioned and while I was a bit sad that we wouldn't regard ourselves together I know I have to move on. I don't think I will be looking for anyone for a long time now and I would want to stay as a good friend with him and still keep in touch. Now my biggest problem is what is a young horny guy like me supposed to do! Is it stupid to still want to sleep with him and I still hope I do but would it be too much for us? I haven't asked him this though and I will next time we can meet. As he is still my first 'partner' I don't really want the last time we had sex to be the last together.
Thanks anyway