So im originally from germany, but currently on a working-holiday visa in australia. i arrived in sydney in late november...
my story begins at the beginning of december. i used to chat with a guy on daddyhunt (very rarely, only once or twice). and he was really hot, i didnt have internet access in my hostel, so i went to an internet cafe, took my laptop with me and send him a message saying "i dont have internet access in my hostel so if u feel like dropping me a msg via mobile, feel free". i very rarely give my mobile number through the internet, but i thought, im new to this country, hes hot, go for it. hes 37 muscle-bearish-type, im 20.
so indeed the next day he would send me a message saying "hi, im alex (changed his name) from daddyhunt, u gave me your number. how are u?" we exchanged the usual msgs and two days after that he was going like "hey, good morning, just came back from the gym. are u keen to have lunch" and that was pretty hard for me, cuz im pretty shy and i often refuse to go on a "blind date" cuz i think im to shy for that, but again i thought "okay, go for it"
we initially just wanted to go and have a coffee then, so he picked me up and we went to this one cafe, which wasnt far from my hostel. indeed i was pretty shy at the beginning, but once we got to say a few words to each other, that was gone. so we talked about that usual stuff, what we are doing for a living, hobbies and all that and then we finished our drink and he asked me, if he should show me around sydney. i said "well, i dont know, have seen the most touristic things already, like habour bridge, opera house, bondi, cbd and that stuff, what would u suggest", he said "well, going to the beach would be nice, but its midday, thats too hot for me now", so i replied "ok, u can take me to your place and we can look after that". It sounds like im pretty serene, but usually im not. I was just feeling very comfortable with him.
well saying that, it wasnt really my intention to have sex with him at that point, but i was majorly into him (had really a cute smile) and i could say that he was pretty much into me as well. so we arrived at his, he asked me for a drink, we started to touch each other and kiss (that first kiss was really amazing) and, well u know what happened. and it was really nice. after that we stayed in bed and cuddled and watched tv, had sex again about an hour later, and then he took me home. later he would write something like "thank u for your nice company today, i really enjoyed that day" and i was like "yeah, me too, thanks for giving me the best day here so far". that being said, it really was. i expected to meet him for a drink, we ended up having sex, but not like this "hook-up" sex, but it was really passionate and really cute afterwards and we spend more or less the whole day with each other. by the way, on that day he also told me that he had a bladder-surgery the next wednesday (2 days after that) but we should definitely see each other after that again...
so we were exchanging that usual stuff the next day and i said "best of luck for tomorrow". that wednesday evening then i msged him "so, how did all that go" and he wasnt very confident saying he just woke up, doesnt feel too good but hasnt talked to the doctors yet... next day i asked him again but he was more or less asleep allday so on friday he replied angrily "fuck sake, they had complications, have to stay here at least 10 more days and i probably wont be able to shoot anymore..."
of course i tried to calm him down we were exchanging that usual stuff and on sunday i asked him, if i could visit him, he said "yes, i would very much like to see u, but im not allowed, so i have to sneak out and that would only be possible very early". so believe or not, i really made it up for him at 5 and met him about 5.30 on that one cafe (it happened to be, that my hostel, that cafe and the hospital were all within 1 km...) so we flirted a bit, it was good to see him. walked back with him to the hospital, both in that flirty mood, i came up with him and stayed for another 2 hours and it was so good to talk to him.
i guess it was already at that time, that i knew that i think hes really really cute and i really want to see more of him. after that he had a little fever which caused him to stay until the end of the next week (visited him once more) and then he was released about one week before christmas.
after that we met a few more times, which was really nice each time. he wasnt allowed to have sex, so we just met for coffee or went over to his placed and watched tv and cuddled the whole time, and after all i can really tell, that this was the most amazing time i had in a long while. he invited me for breakfast on boxing day, cuz i was obviously very sad not being able to see my family and friends. really cute of him...
then met another time again and another time early on nye. he was very happy and energetic and it was so nice to hang around with him for 1 hour or so and then he would drive me back to my flat (had a flat by then...) and then wishing each other a wonderful night (at one point i was close to ask him if we should celebrate together, but he was first staying at his mums place and then going with a good friend to a party, so i thought that would probably be inappropriate) and kissed each other for a last time that year. like everytime we left each other, both of us just having a big smile on our faces. like always we still exchanged nice msgs after that and all that stuff...
so i watched the fireworks from close to the bridge then, wanted to go to a friends party after that, but that was already over when i came there, because all of us wanted to go to a dayparty the next day... so i thought, okay, fuck it, i go to that club where alex is and see what happens. paid 30 bucks entrance (lol) came in there, was pretty busy and had some fun and met alex as well. we met at a few stages that night, but really, i was drunk, i cant remember what we talked about. just remember that when i was leaving he was coming with me downstairs and he said "well sorry marc for not being available too much of the night" and i said "no worries, it was very very good to see u. and after all i just dont hope u get the impression that im pursuing u? i just like u very much and i thought it was coming from both sides" and he said "yes, it does..." we kissed, i went home (by the way the dayparty the next day was outstanding. he wasnt there though. anyway, if somebody is from sydney here: DAYWASH!)
catched up once the week after that and it was of course really nice again. although he wasnt allowed, we jerked off together that day (well, he cant not touch his dick for 6 weeks, what the hell did the doctor think???
).
so kept sending nice msgs and all after that, but didnt really see each other for the next 10 days. at one point (that was about 5 days after we last met) i told him that usual "good morning, cutie. how are u?" - didnt reply - later that day i was just saying something nice again - again - no reply. so 2 days after he would write that good morning stuff. i replied "yeah, good morning. just curious to know if there was any reason for not replying" (and that really wasnt meant offensively, just curiously...) he was like "guess days went by quickly" i just replied "hmm" obviously not feeling very satisfied. so that was when we actually had our first little fight, because like one hour later he was replying "okay, if u must know, i had some issues [...] so u know, wasnt the best days just happy they are over. now im starting to feel guilty if i dont msg u or see u. not such a nice feeling im sorry to say" (i still have that msg, so thats why i can recall^^) so i would say like "sorry i just felt bad about that. dont want u to feel like u have to msg me, i just feel very close to u and want to know how u are. bla bla bla"^^ he didnt reply, so later that night (being drunk again^^) saying "so?" he replied "sorry, but im gettin frustrated now... what do u want me to tell you? already explained my circumstances. do u want me to msg u all the time", and u know what, that msg really got me. i wasnt aware that he felt like that and after all i think he just said that because he was angry that day. so very late that night (coming home from a very drunk night) i replied "if u think u have to msg me all then time, then fuck u. u explained ur circumstances, i explained my feelings, im sorry if that makes u feel bad" i know, that was quite offensive, but being really drunk and really emotional, that just came from the bottom of my heart...
anyway, didnt talk for 2 days after that, obviously both of us were a bit angry, and I didn’t really know what to tell after that. i think i wrote im sorry if i wrote something you don’t wanna hear, but thats just how i feel... saw each other the next day, didnt really talk about that topic, and it was just being good to see him again after the long time (spend about 3 hours, having lunch and going for a walk) so he insisted "u know, finally having back my car (that was his issue), i would like to bring u to the airport tomoz. if u want of course." i said "sure" being very happy about this offer. so i didnt tell that so far i was about to go to melbourne then (around midjanuary) and would stay away for about 7 weeks, doing some trips through australia, and that is why i was actually so sad not being able to see him often after nye and have that few contact with him because I knew we wouldn’t be able to see each other after that for a long time. anyway that night we exchanged a few msgs again and i said something like "yeh, i cant wait to do that sexual stuff with u again..." and he was like "yeah, me too, u know im really attracted to u"...
so yeah, the next day he would bring me to the airport, we gave each other a very long good-bye kiss (which normally i dont do in public, with him everything is just so different...) and, i mean we didnt cry, but for me it was very hard to know not being able to see him for the next 7 weeks and im pretty sure he felt the same, so it was still quite emotional... so directly in front of the flight i was sending him a msg saying that im incredibly happy to have met him and thanks for all and im so much looking forward to see u again when im back...
i arrived in melbourne then, 2 weeks later 2 friends of mine from germany arrived and we travelled through australia for 4 1/2 weeks... we steadily exchanged msgs, he asked me how im liking melbourne, said i should enjoy my trip and always be careful and that stuff, i told him what did everyday and he did the same. i told him im having issues with that one guy i was travelling with and he cheered me up and all that. furthermore, theres 2 msgs that i still remember. at one point he asked me when exactly i was coming back to Sydney cuz he "felt the desire to kiss me". at another point he said he was going to see a really interesting good looking documentary that night. i was jokingly replying "haha, thought u were about to say u are going to see that really good looking guy tonite" and he replied "no, none in town at the moment. all are travelling around
" so i thought that was obviously a reference to me esp with that smiley...
so i travelled on and the day before i came back to sydney he asked me if i was happy to come back to sydney. i replied something like "yes, i love that city. looking forward to settling down at one point finally. made a couple of friends and actually im really happy to see u again..." (so just to make clear that hes more than just a friend to me) he didnt reply, i thought "maybe that was way to much for him?!". so yeah, the next night going out in sydney with my 2 friends and being very drunk (i know it seems like im always drunk^^) again i msged him saying that i was a bit disappointed not getting an answer to that. he replied "what? im sorry, i didnt get any msg, what did u say?" told him what i said and he answered "awww:-( that is such a nice thing to say
cant wait to give u a long hug [...]".
and now thats basically where my disappointment started. so when i came back to the inner city it was the saturday before fair sunday (the first day of the mardi gras season). we missed each other on fair sunday through unfortunate circumstances. i thought that his desire to have contact with me seemed to decrease a bit. i was asking him if he wants to meet any day, he was basically always busy cuz a friend from europe was with him... i volunteered at the parade, asked him if he wanted to come to the registration tent (where i worked, that was actually before the parade started...) he replied that he was likely to march as well but he looks if he can make it. so i thought "okay, thats basically a no"... anyway indeed the next day he came over. i told him that between 5 and 6 i would be very busy, he came in that period because he had other stuff to do before. so yeah, that was the first time i saw him for somewhat 8 weeks and my mouth just practically dropped and i could tell he was very happy as well. well, i was pretty busy so i couldnt talk to him a whole lot. just that usual how are u, how was ur travels stuff. while of course smiling all the time and giving each other a few kisses. he had to leave then, as he was supposed to march... when i finished my work one hour before the parade started i went up to his float, just wanted to have a look at him and tell him that I was sorry i was so distracted earlier. came up to him and again he was obviously very happy to meet me, giving me a long kiss again and we didnt really say anything, just smiling at each other. After that i didnt want to disturb the group, so i kissed him good-bye and wished him a lot of fun for the parade. actually, then i turned around and went a few steps already and he came after me and hugged me from behind (he did that on nye on one point as well and i told him afterwards that i enjoyed that a lot really) and gave me two very long kisses. after i all, both of us really had to leave then...
the parade started and having been a volunteer i was allowed to stay inside the fences. he was marching with his group (was pretty big, about 80 people?) quite at the beginning and he saw me, and he posed for a photo for me and came up to me, give me a kiss, obviously wanted to talk to me, but his float was marching on, so he had to leave, asking me to join him for a minute. so he was marching, i was coming after them and then one minute later he asked me if i was going after them until the end of the parade. i told him "sorry, i cant, my friends are waiting and id like to see the parade" he was like "ok" gave me a kiss again, wished me fun and a big smile looking after me...
so after being a bit confused about that last week, where he didn’t make a lot of an effort to see me, that totally cheered up my mood. i thought that he was obviously having some feelings for me as well. well i cant describe that just through words and we have only been able to see each other for a couple of minutes, but that was incredibly intense really and very warm and both of us were just smiling and having this look in our eyes...
we didnt get to see each other that night again and the next week nothing really happened. asked him a few times if he was keen to meet, he said he sorry, but busy (was part of a jury) and needed to calm down from the weekend.
i really got annoyed about that, because it seemed to me that its always so up and down. i talked to a friend of mine, his age, on wednesday after a few beers (yes, again...) and i was very sad as i was feeling a rejected and I just wanted to hear his feedback... it wouldnt have been a problem if he just wasnt into me and therefore delayed seeing me, but so many signs during the last week just showed, there has to be something. from my side, i was sure, and getting this messages from him, and see how he acted last saturday and also not to forget our great time before i went on my trip... so i took all my braveness on friday and sent him a msg saying "i really need to talk to u about something and id really like to do that before the big party" (that was the official mardi gras party, which was huge, and i knew both of us were coming and i just wanted to have fun and not looking for him the whole time and then probably being sad if i cant find him). he said hes busy, no chance tomorrow but he sees what he can do today. so later that arvo he told me, okay can meet u at 5.20 but i need to pick up a friend at 6... not a lot of time but i guess enough to talk to him. we met for a coffee and again, as i saw him, my heart went up and i was just soo happy to see him. we exchanged that usual stuff at the beginning, it was already 5.50 by then and obviously we didnt get to talk about what i wanted...
okay i know very long story, but i will more or less include most things both of us said from now...
so he was basically saying that his week was very busy. that was my impulse. i told him that that’s actually the reason i needed to talk to him. im just very unsatisfied with how things went since im back in sydney. he sent me msgs beforeheads saying that we "definitely have to see lots of each other" when i come back. i didnt really get to see him although i was in town again for the last two weeks. i expected to be a bit higher on his priority list.
he replied "yeah, i had a feeling u wanted to talk to me about that. listen, i really have been busy the last week. its mardi gras season, lots of friends of mine have come here (he lived in melb before and has lots of friends around the country + hes half italian, so has lots of friends from there as well...) and i didnt just wanna see u as i see u now, in a hurry. i wanted to meet u for a couple of hours to just enjoy ourselves as we did before..." whaaam, that was enough for me. i thought that was actually a pretty good excuse
i know he had lots of friends and indeed most would come for mardi gras to sydney. and after all, that he wanted to see me for a longer time isnt a bad thing, is it? so i tought "cool, totally happy now again"
well, then the bad stuff started. i cant really recall how the conversation went that direction (although its only been a week). i told "okay, thats a satisfying answer. i was just wondering, because as friends i would like to see a regular friend more than once every two weeks, and actually since i thought that was something more special between us, thats even worse then..." and he stated again, that im a very special friend to him as well and we will see each other more when hes not so busy anymore. again, i was totally satisfied. so he asked me about what i expected of the next time and i said something like "well, i dont know. i really like u a lot, and i just want to see u more frequently and see where it goes... how my feelings would develop and all that stuff..."
i really cant remember how he said that next thing but it was something like "marc, im sorry, but i really hope u dont get attached to me too much. im just not sure if i can be the person that gives all that to u. and after all, stuff between andre (again, name changed) and me became different again while u have been away. its like we trust each other a lot more and we feel more connected to each other before, both of us have more freedom..." honestly, i was just very surprised by that statement and i was wondering what that was supposed to mean. anyway that sounded just very bad for me, we went on talking a bit, i think it was just about me saying that i like him a lot and i just expected to meet him and see where it goes, and he was replying that im very special to him as well, and if stuff with andre hadnt changed within the last weeks, he would be completely open...
so i guess what i still need to tell is his and my history. i broke up with my last bf about 9 months ago, 4 or 5 months before i came to australia. long story short, he cheated on me, i still loved him, he was treating me like shit, i cried a lot, luckily found myself getting distant to him, he wanted me back then, i said no... thats more or less the same story with alex and his last bf. he broke up with him about 1 year ago from now. the thing is, still im really not aware how his relationship with andre has been like. i knew they where kind of a couple, or just very very close friends (i really cant tell) and were living together (i was always thinking just as flatmates, although they shared a room. as i said, i knew they were very close, but obviously not in a relationship, otherwise alex wouldnt go into that relationship with that melb guy...) before he met his last bf 3 years ago... they came together, this andre guy obviously felt rejected by that. they had little fights about minor stuff, alex moved to his bf to melb. it was shit, they broke up, he moved back to syd, back into his flat where he lived and now still lives with andre. they still seem to be quiet good friends, but as from what alex told me afterwards, just a whole lot more distant. after a while he moved back into that room with andre again because that other room was more or less only a guest room... they still stayed pretty distant (i dont know if they had sex at that time) then he met me and actually things between alex and andre became more confidential again on that night on nye (both of them were at the party, i met both, andre was almost collapsing because he took something pretty hard, but obviously open to talk about serious things with alex). so i guess it was around that time they became closer and more confidential friends again and it seemed to have developed up until now... thats for the history of the 3 of us
so yeah, he was saying that he told me on that nye night (when i met both of them) he told me i shouldnt get to attached to him too much (i was like: what?!?!, i really cant remember him saying that, but on the other hand, u know, i was drunk...) and he said he really doesnt want to see me hurt. well, i guess he could tell i was close to having tears in my eyes, but i could behave. still, i was surely very sad and disappointed by that. he looked into the other direction, i could tell that this was a sad moment for him as well. he repeated two more times that he doesnt want me to get hurt, and thats why i shouldnt get too attached to him, because he might not be able to give me all those things i am looking for. i could tell he was close to crying as well. We looked at each other really intensly, that was really a deeply emotional moment. hes such a nice guy, really he is. he might indeed have told me, that i shouldnt get too attached to him, i just cant remember. i really can tell, that he doesnt want me to get hurt. im just wondering why all those other signs, when all of that stuff shouldnt go anywhere?!?! and then i wonder again, maybe im just too young and naive and we should just enjoy that fun we had...its just really a good time with him and still, after he told me that stuff, im not feeling if i was just any unimportant fuck-buddy (indeed, as i told u, we didnt really have a lot of sex^^). the way he looks at me and he acts when we are together i could tell that im very important for him. but honestly that statement between andre and him just came out of nowhere for me. why would he write such nice msgs to me (i forgot, there was one i remember as well: he saw a pic of me sleeping on another site and msged me "i cant wait to kiss u wake one day")... its very difficult to describe how i feel and i guess it somehow looks like hes an asshole for "playing" with me, but i guess he really wasnt, he was just enjoying our friendship in another way and didnt think that i could develop those feelings for him... well, or after all it wasn’t really different for him, its just that he finds himself so connected with andre now again, and he doesn’t want to fuck that up for another time.
and its not that this conversation devaluates our relationship in anyway. it was really incredibly emotional when he looked and me and told me, that he really doesnt want me to get hurt...
however it was 6.20 by then already, he had another appointment + i think both of us just wanted to get out of the situation. i didnt want to cry in front of him and he didnt want to see me feeling that sad... so we hugged each other saying "ok, see u at the party probably"
well, i was quite sad after that conversation, but still i really didnt know what all of that meant for me and for my tie with alex. so i did my best not to think about it and have fun at the party. Indeed, i had. it was an awesome party. had a couple of drinks and a pill (now dont think im a drug addicted or anything. everybody in australia does that and it was my first time anyway...). i didnt get to see him on the party first. we msged each other a few time, i still have those msgs, so the following is quotation:
him: "im in the middle now" (now everybody who know the area of mardi gras party knows, the middle is not a good description)
i: "had a look for u. the middle is not a good description
marc, i know what u said but im still feeling very attached to u. i cant put off these feelings." (dont know why i said this, the ecstasy makes u very emotional so i think i couldnt hold back)
i: ( he didnt reply within 30 min): "anyway. dont feel bad about it please. i would like to see u next week and we can discuss that. kiss"
him: " marc, i DO NOT want you to get hurt, at all. you need to take perspective. im sorry, but i cant offer u everything u might want. we should talk with more time next week..."
i: "i know, thats why i said have fun. i would like to see u next week and then we can talk about serious issues (i know i just said that, but u know, i was pretty messed up^^) But can u understand that i cant put off my feelings?"
i: "really. REALLY. dont feel bad about it pleast. im doing good. we talk about it"
(i know, when im messed up, i tend to write a lots of sms
anyway it became worse. i ran into him at the very end of the party in front of the exit, he was with friends, waiting for somebody, i was waiting for my friends (about 7.50 am). we ran into each other, saying hi, how are u, did u like it and that stuff. i said hi to andre as well, i dont really know him, but as i said, talked to him a few words on two occasions and he seems to be a really nice guy...
so i left after that, but still stayed close to the exit. i dont know why (my friend told me that the ecstasy makes u express your emotions just a lot harder, than u would normally do), but all of the sudden, i was looking at him and i was just starting to cry. not saying that this was the pill, i was really feeling bad, i was disappointed with how things between him and me went since i was coming back... a friend of mine came shortly after that, hugging me, saying "oh marc, whats wrong". well i said just something like "argh, never mind, im doing good" giving him a smile and something like that, because i wanted to save my face in front of him?
silly i know, hes a good friend and i wouldve told him how i feel it was just such a great night and i didnt want to ruin that. anyway he then told me that thats probably the pill but it has to come from somewhere. i told him that thats the guy that im a bit worried about (pointing at alex) and he just pushed in his direction and said "talk to him". well it was very hard, i stood 5 minutes next to alex (without him recognising me) and wondered if its a good idea to talk to him, and tried to calm myself down... finally i went up to him, gave him a hug, left, he came after me, i introduced him to my friend, he started to talk about something and just as suddenly as before i started crying again. i dont know, i really felt so bad at this moment. i turned around (again, didn’t want them to see me cry, esp not alex) and went away, my friend was coming after me and alex was returning to his friend (obviously he knew it was because of him and thought we should probably leave it there at this point...). my friend calmed me down again i was apologizing to him and he was like "no worries, all good. just enjoy your night"
all of us went home after that. when i was about to go to bed alex send me a msg: "just home now, going straight to bed. look after yourself and im sorry youre suffering:-(" luckily, i didnt reply to that...
okay, final part of the story for now. all of that happened last saturday/sunday now its the next friday…
i msged him on monday "ok then, just txt me when u have a couple of minutes and would be nice if thats rather sooner then later, cuz u know its kinda worrying me and it would be good to talk to u about it. have a nice day..."
"yer, i know, i need to talk to you soon as well. so im not delaying seeing you, id rather see you as soon as is possible"
i didnt reply, he didnt say anything as well the next day or on wednesday until 3. i was about to get furious again because how the hell can he let that wait so long?!?!?! haha, and had a job interview early on wed, so luckily i was able to leave all of that behind and it went good (just if youre curious^^).
anyways, so he txted me wed arvo then, asking if i was free, he needs to talk. i replied yes. we exchanged 4 more messages and all of them were very objective. i know something bad was to come because normally we would ask each other how we go and all that, now it was only “okay, when, where”. and he didnt even ask me about my interview although he knew it:-(
so we met then, i wanted to go to a park with him, so that nobody is around us and we can talk freely. i waited, he was coming, we were saying hi, hugged each other (didnt really kiss, what we would normally do). asked each other how we are going. of course both of us said good, but that was as far from the truth as possible. he looked like shit (well no, he was incredibly cute, but u know what i mean. his facial expression..). i told him im very worried about how he looks like. thats when it started... he told me HE was very worried about what happened on saturday. i said, well i guess it was those pills. he said that has to come from somewhere. i said yeah, obviously im a bit disappointed now... we sat down in the park and he was like "look, i really do not want u to feel hurt. i think im just not the one who can give u all that what youre looking for at the moment. i had these strange fucked up relationships before, where there was something between me and andre and [his ex-bf] and nobody would say anything and there was something between us all the time" i asked what it was between andre and him then, now, if he thinks that they will become a couple again. he replied "well, i think we are a couple. see, i just want u to find somebody whos totally there for u, youre really an awesome guy and u deserve that. with me u would just feel in second place all the time and i wouldnt be there for u everytime u want. this will just hurt u" well, bla bla bla. he knew i didnt want to hear that stuff. it didnt make it any better, that hes saying that in this cute way, so that even now hes getting cuter for me with everything he says. he also said, that he considers that it might be best for me if we dont see each other for a certain time. a couple of months maybe for me to get over those feelings. if the situation were different he doesnt know what would happen, but its not, he just got connected with andre again. he just wants put stress on saying that i will always stay one of his really special friends and i would not lose him either and he hopes we can go on. well i guess u know what im talking about, just that stuff when someone says no to u. obviously i couldnt hold my cry back this time, i was looking in another direction though, so he could understand he should leave it there for a minute. he hold my hand and fuck, that felt so good. i told him, that im really disappointed and just confused, all those msgs and actions from him, which just directed this way. i asked him if it was too much to ask if he could hug me. he said no, sure its not. he hugged me. 2 minutes. we looked at each other and he repeated again that he doesnt want me to get hurt. he was looking in another direction as well, well he could hide those tears he was feeling but i could hear it in his voice, see it in his behaviour… we hugged each other again. still had tears on my face. in that moment he was obviously very sad too, he said, okay, i dont wanna see u like that (well, i knew it was also because I shouldnt see HIM like that). "im going to ask u later today how u are feeling. look after yourself". we left, each other in the opposite direction, i went 20 metres then i almost collapsed. honestly i cant remember ever feeling this sad. never felt worse in my life. and u know after all, its not because someone would break up with me (well he didnt literally break up with me, we werent a couple or anything, but it was going that direction and he was breaking up the tie...), so its not because of that, its just because im so confused. i mean, come on, obviously all that stuff hurts him a lot as well. when i was looking into his eyes, almost saw him crying, what he said to me… its not that "fuck i dont want u to get hurt - because i made a mistake and I dont want to feel bad because of that" statement. really, it was that "i do not want u to get hurt. exclamation point. and at the same time im feeling incredibly bad as well but i guess its just better if we cut it know" statement. man i feel so sad. hes really that incredibly special guy for me. hes so unbelievebly good looking, hes so cute, he makes me feel better everytime i see him (well, except for that time), i love to talk to him and he really cares for me.
i mean, be honest, obviously he is feeling something for me as well??? that time that we spent around nye, these incredibly nice msgs (havent even stated 1/10 of them)... well if he was back with andre after those msgs, ok, but remember what i described on that mardi gras parade day. I really wanted to make sure that im not pushing him anywhere, but HE was actually the one who was coming after me, kissing me. or while marching itself, HE was coming up to me, kissing me again. its not like usual friendship when we are with each other. u know what im talking about, we were smiling all the time, teasing each other, making compliments, sharing endearments... i told him that last Friday, that it would be alright with me as well if we just see each other and have a fun time. i just cant live with that never ever seeing him again feeling. im probably staying here for another year, so not seeing him for months wouldnt mean never ever, but its too long for me. and i cant believe he honestely just says it like that. as if it was so easy for him. and after all thats just really unfair, he raised these expectations in me, saying “yes, we definitely have to see lots of each other when u come back” (that was actually 2 days before i came back), then i got to see him twice, for 30 minutes and both times was just shit???
i wrote him a msg later that night (about 5 hours after we met), saying: "im sorry to say, alex, but u cant imagine how bad i feel. im not only losing the person im attached to, but i also felt like you were my best friend here as well. i dont even know if i wanna change those feelings for u. indeed i thought there could be more reading msgs like "cant wait to kiss u wake one day" from ur side. ur such a special guy for me, i cant imagine how i can change that view about u, let alone if i even want to:-("
next day (yesterday) he replied "im sorry marc, i cant change things. youre just gonna get hurt more. having a break and having an opportunity to get over these feelings seems the most rational thing right now. i wish it were different..."
i replied 3 hours later: "maybe you shouldnt have just ran away yesterday? that would have been way fairer from u. and the thing that frustrates me is that u say we shouldnt meet for weeks. its okay to see u as a friend, but i dont wanna accept to lose all of that"
he didnt answer that so far, so thats the story until here...
okay, well thanks for reading, I know this was a lot, I guess it helped me already to write all that stuff down. If anybody of u could tell me their opinion, I would highly appreciate
