long term relationship problem

[dinoboy]

Hi I ve been with my bf for 8 years and I love him a lot. However few years ago we decided to move abroad and star a new life together. That's where it started going wrong for me. I found that I struggle financial and socially where we live now. And this has added stress to our relationship. I feel as my life has no productive value and that only thing I have is my relationship. Work isn't coming in and I constantly struggle to pay my way. This has led me to deep depression. However the problem is this: twice now I found myself on cruising grounds and i have had cheated on my bf ( both times safely) .

I am ashamed about it but I cannot understand what had made me do it. I am versatile and my bf is bottom so I ve mostly acted as top in our relationship . Where years ago I woudn't even look at other guys I am finding hard to come to terms with what i ve done. I understand that what is done is done but does anyone have any advise on what should I do next?

May I add my bf is only relationship that i ve ever had i met him when i was young.

 

[Disturbance]

Look, the most important thing is that you love your boyfriend. This is a very good basis for anything that may come, but your treachery may poison everything that could have been.

Your problem originates from a "lack of purpose" that you feel in your life and you tried to fill it up with sex, which resulted in even more trouble for you. You either have to deal with this on your own, or you can come clean to your partner.

Since you have a hard time to deal with your own life alone, I suggest you stop trying to do so.
It would be best if you could confess to your boyfriend, and if he is willing, try to work through this together. If not, you will lose him, but either way, you must do something with your life instead of wasting it, because it obviously led you to a situation you don't like being in.

You must get a job. That is the most important thing that you must achieve right now. Start earning money and find out what you want from your life. While doing so, try to hurt as few people as possible. As for your boyfriend, I think he has the right to know and make his decision based on the truth of what you've done.

 

[dinoboy]

You are right re: everything. It's much easier to see things when someone gives a fresh perspective. I am hurting people and that's not fare. But am trying to undo things however not working out. Re job I have one, unfortunately not very well paid and irregular , but where I live at the moment I am lucky to have a job. I am just struggling to find a way how to improve my situation, everything I do haven't been working so far. Anyway thank you very much your advise has helped me a lot at least I know what Ineed to do . Still no idea how i am going to go about it but I am sure I will get there.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm going to be direct. We don't "find ourselves" anywhere. We chose to be there unless we were drugged and brought there. Taking responsibility for our actions is essential.

You are looking for excuses for your behavior, being young when you met your boyfriend, being fanancially insecure, being versatile, etc. You haven't written about how you and your boyfriend have communicated about these issues. There's nothing wrong with choosing to leave a relationship, but I have the impression you'd rather let it deteriorate rather than admit to your boyfriend your level of frustration and dissatisfaction. Sneaking around is giving you a high which temporarily causes you to forget your problems.

Talk to your boyfriend. Put everything on the table and try to figure out what to do next together.

 

[dinoboy]

I am trying to find an excuse as what else is left but only to realize that I am horrible person. There never has bee much of the compromise in the past, when it comes to our relationship. Therefore, if I start talking to him about my frustration I make him feel like I hold every decision that we made against him.

I think I am frustrated with myself. I am not in the right place at the moment to make any changes in my life as I am just trying to get though to the end of the day. When I cheated I didn't think ahead and therefore didn't realize what pain it will cause to him. Also if I come out clean, I will really hurt my BF as he is insecure already cos of our age difference. It's getting obvious what I need to do, however for a minute I thought that someone would share their experience on this forum and say I ve been trough this and this is how I dealt with it.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I am commenting to address the lack of direction in your life-

You should make it a goal to find out what you want to do and pursue it. Do you have any formal training? Do you speak the language of the country you are in? Do you speak several languages? These and many other attributes you could use to get a better more fulfilling job and change your financial situation.

I also think, regardless of your relationship situation, the reason you are doing these things is because of low self-esteem. Although I wasn't dating anyone, I went through a similar hookup phase because I had very low self-esteem.

This means you need to sit down and write a list of short term (<1 year) and long term (1-5 years) goals of things you want to accomplish as an individual. I emphasize individual because even if your bf is no longer around, they will allow you to feel good and confident about the person you are. Write out concrete steps to achieve each goal, and begin the journey. It won't be easy, but it will change your focus and allow you to grow as a person.

This same methodology can be used to improve your social life. Write out a list of things you like to do or you are interested in as hobbies. If you do not have any interests now, write a list of potentials. Share this list with your bf, then pursue groups or places where these things take place. There you will meet people with similar interests, which is a good basis for a friendship.

Share these lists with your boyfriend, and he can support you on the path to self improvement, but remember, that ultimately, it is your journey and you should feel and take full ownership of it. keep us posted!

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm going to be direct. We don't "find ourselves" anywhere. We chose to be there unless we were drugged and brought there. Taking responsibility for our actions is essential...

Talk to your boyfriend. Put everything on the table and try to figure out what to do next together.

^This.

There's a symptom here and a cause. The symptom is your depression and infidelity. The cause is that you need more than just a relationship to thrive- you also need your own life, work and a feeling of self-worth that comes from both.

Do you need to confess your cheating? That's up to you.

Do you need to talk to your boyfriend about making a change in your life (or your life together)? Yes.

You're 50% of the relationship. If you're not happy then you need to talk with your boyfriend about making some changes.

 

[blueshoes]

This sounds all too familiar with my situation over the past year. Bf and I were together 4 years and I felt that due to my working away two summers in a row that I began to drift away. Drifting lead to Grindr to find 'friends' which lead to a hook up/cheating. The truth eventually came out as the guilt ate me inside and we started going to couple's counselling together and individual sessions. A lot of shame and blame came out of the therapy sessions. A lot of pain came out. I hurt my partner very much and continued to do so in certain ways which was not respectful. My partner was not furious about the cheating - he, instead, wanted to know why I did it which lead to us finally communicating about certain ways we were treating each other. Don't think that you are doing any favours or protecting HIM by not telling him about your infidelity. Your attempts at trying to save/protect him only backfire and end up hurting him more... when he finds out.

You want to take the easy way out like I wanted to - don't work on you, don't work on the relationship, and just let it dissolve. Unfortunately, your boyfriend will be confused as shit if you just break it off then later finds out that you cheated. It's the blind siding that will hurt him most. As someone who has cheated, I say own it and fess up. I feel my cheating and subsequent desires to hook up were attributed to a lack of self-esteem (seeking external validation), a lack of purpose (working contract/seasonal positions but not able to secure good-paying, long-term employment that reflected my education and experience), and a major lack of communication (we didn't even know what we were trying to achieve individually let alone together). You definitely need your own life, your own activities, your own interests and hobbies and friends. And you need to take action and just do it. This is my weakness and I am working on how to produce better results that will actually get me where I want to be. For passive and depressive people, it's a major challenge. But put in the work/effort and reap the benefits later. Drop the victim role, choose to be happy, and be in control of your life.

Feel free to IM me too.