look for a relationship or casual sex?

[RyeGuy]

so, this thread is actually similar to another one below mine.

my question is: is it better to look for a relationship or go for the casual sex?

let me explain a little. i'm in college, but i'm barely--just barely--out of the closet. i've admitted it to one friend, though i'm mustering up the courage for two others. i'm rather afraid (read: deathly afraid) of going into the LGBT office on campus....partly because it's next to greek affairs. but at any rate, i'm back home, and i've well, discovered craig's list. and well, damn, there are some horny people out there. and i've never really done anything before, because i always was of the opinion that the first time should be something else. sentimental? yea i am. but even so, i'm considering it just because it would give me more experience and well...it would be better if i knew what to do with a guy i really liked.

so again i ask my question: go for the hookup or go for a LTR?

 

[luminum]

I always say go for the relationship, but it's ultimately about what you want.

If you want a relationship, then don't settle for casuals ex.

If you want no-strings-attached casual hook ups, then go for it. But please, and I can't stress this enough, be safe! Craig's list is shady as hell. Not only use protection, but also meet up with people in a safe environment and let someone know a time you should be back or say when you'll give them a call, so someone will know if you're missing.

Uh, but enough prudence.

Really, like casual sex is an experience that many people have and are entitled to have, but relationships, IMO, are fulfilling. So both are fine, but do the one that you want and don't settle for to other. Don't settle for casual sex when what you want is an emotional connection or get looped into a relationship just for the sex.

And I never bought the 'experience' bit, because when my friend and I hooked up, it was both of our first times and we figured out ways to please each other. If youf eel that you want a sentimental/romantic sexual relationship then aim for that. But I won't be one of those people telling you that causual sex is bad. It's just an experience and you can decide for yourself if you want to do it or not. Just be safe.

But I severely doubt you'll find a relationship on Craig's List. Blech.

 

[VICTORIADON]

You have to answer the question yourself. Do you want to remember your first time as with someone that you cared about or someone that you didn't care about. What ever you decide will most probably be sealed in your memory for life.
I don't know how to put this tactfully, so I will just ask this...What do you think of fathers that buy their kid a whore for their first experience?
Like I stated, I don't know how to put it tactfully and I apologize to all that may have taken offence at the question posed, but it had to be asked, maybe a new thread?

Now then, after your first experience...

 

[RyeGuy]

obviously i'm not going out and about and painting the town red just yet...but i appreciate all the thought you guys put into your answers. luminum -- yea, i figured craig's list is shady as hell. i mean...hopefully college means i'm not THAT dumb lol =)
it's just a little harder, i suppose, since i'm 18 and well, when you're young, you basically just want sex. and all the time. like right now haha! it's a war between my heart and my libido. i guess what i'm really asking is; is there any hope/promise/possibility of there really being a LTR waiting for me out there, even when i'm older? make that especially when i'm older.

victoriadon- i completely agree that my first time will probably be sealed in my memory. i mean, i'm 18, so i've fooled around...but i do want my real first time to be something else. although, i have to ask you what relevance does your question have to mine? to answer it; i dont think fathers should buy a whore for their sons first time at all. but i'm not exactly buying a whore for myself...rather i'm looking to explore. i imagine it'd be the same thing if that son went out looking for sex. i dont know *shrugs*

 

[mattyboi_aus]

Hollisterman,

I'm around your age, and before I met my current boyfriend, I was seriously considering going to the ONLY gay nightclub in town and trying to hook up. I mean I was that horny, and as I was going to do it, I went to the club, I had a blast and I got to make out with a really hot guy, but then I realised....This isnt what I want.

I'm alone in a city, in a job where I can't tell anyone who I really am, I can't really do what I want, so what I want isn't sex, its a relationship.

Like everyone has said to you mate, you simply have to truly decide what you want. I was lonely, thought I wanted sex, but what I really wanted was someone to be there with me. And lucky for me, I found the perfect guy!

 

[VICTORIADON]

What I am trying to get across is how do you want to remember your first time?
Do you want to remember your first time as one where it was just wham bam no feeling envolved just sex and no emotion to it or do you want your first time to be one with some emotional ties and the feelings that go along with that?
It is only a question that you can answer. Some go for the wham bam let's just get this done and over with and see how I like it. Some go for the emotional ties first. Only you can answer that. I could say all about my first time but that is totally irrelevant because everyone is different.
Is there the possiblility of you finding a LTR? Yes, of course. Take the possibility out of the question, and think WHEN NOT IF! You may meet that guy next year...or the year after or...you may meet him today shopping at the mall, gassing up, eating somewhere, walking about etc., etc.
It may last a week, two weeks, a month a year or years!
On the other hand you may be out shopping, gassing up, eating somewhere, walking about and your and another guys eyes will meet and lock, your heart will start to pound and suddenly you know holy crap it is happening...and you are having sex with someone that turns you on so bad you are going to burst.
Does waiting for a LTR before having sex mean you cannot have casual sex later? Does having casual sex first mean you cannot have a LTR later?
No.
When I meet someone do I find out if they have ever had sex before? No. Do I think any more or less of that person either way, no. When I meet someone we "click" or we "don't click" (what ever "THAT" means, you will know when it happens).
18 is a age full of curiousity, raging hormones and questions. Looking back it was a wonderful age but at the time I found it a bit stressful. We all go through it. You are lucky, here you have a place to ask questions and or interact with people, even if you just do it in the forums!

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Hollisterman,

Well as the guys have said..its your choice. But what you really need to consider is your emotional needs...

Being just out of the closet you're probably busting a gut to seek some physical release...express your newfound freedom if you like...and no one here will blame you for that.

But just understand that a simple hook up is fine if you can walk away knowing thats all it was. There are plenty of guys who will happily oblige you...but they will walk away no questions asked...and you'll probably never see them again. And for someone discovering new emotions and new experiences thats maybe not what you are looking for.

A relationship gives you the room to learn, to grow and even to make mistakes. Relationships are about patience and understanding as well as passion and compassion.

Take your time. Think about what you want. Dont rush it ...just be prepared to see your first walk out the door and out of life if thats what you chose...it can be a hard pill to swallow when you're aching for more than just a quick shag.

 

[gotdimples77]

i think you should try the LGBT office...

 

[Soilwork]

and if you screw up and go into the Greek affairs office..

you know that greek men can be a HECK of a lot of fun to hang out with....

 

[Eagle653]

Obviously, the decision is yours. But, if I were where you are--in your shoes--I'd go for the sex first, before the relationship. Get the kid-in-the-candy-store phase out of your system. Go out and have fun and get to know a variety of people "that way" and, in the process, get to know yourself. Then, you'll be more clued into yourself, other men, and not be so curious about sex. Then, you will make great relationship material.

Good luck!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd be a dissenter here.

You really have two options: Manhunt, Craigs, whatever. Sleazy, shady, sometimes efficient and sometimes amazingly good. This is your option, if you decide that you belong to a group of people, who can distinguish between love and lust. In other words, if you agree that m2m sex, sometimes good, sometimes bad always beats the good, ole Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters. An amazing number of men belong to this group. The ability to disassociate sex with emotions is far more common with men than with women.

Your second option is to start searching for a dating dude. You want to get to know each other, develop emotional links, start sharing bits of your life. Indeed, sex is often (if not always) better with a person, whom you know and even possibly love. You want to go through some of the courting rituals, possibly throw in couple of old-fashioned candlelight dinners and attach a lot of significance to what hopefully follows in the bedroom. If you can somehow arrange a ride into sunset, the romance would just be perfect.

Sadly, in real life, dating more often than not, turns very sour. You 'click' with the guy and all the butterflies of the world reside in your stomach. All the colors are brighter and you are going through your own Happiness Indescribable... Only to discover that after a few weeks of all of that, he suddenly decides that 'he is not quite yet ready'. He needs 'more time and space to figure out his life'.

Or, after all, he has decided to give his Ex yet another chance. (They were meant for each other in the first place.)

Or, he looks into his driver's license and discovers that he is actually still pretty young and that he thus, needs to sow his 'wild oats' and enjoy his youth and looks for a while.

I guess, you are getting the picture. Emotional bonds and dating are neither trouble-free nor are they risk-free.

All of us, who tried and kept trying, have stories of grief, sorrow and betrayal that would virtually fill the libraries.

So, do not fool yourself. Dating and romance are all fine, if they are fine and until they turn sour on you.

My Topline here: This is your life, so you call the shots. Do not buy into the rosy prospects of 'relationships', unless you are fully aware of the risks you are taking. If you still want to take that course of action, be fully aware of all the consequences and if anything goes wrong, at any point of time, grow to be a man strong enough to say: 'I knew, I was taking the risks. This backfired on me, and I am blaming no one for my own decisions.'

Another point: We are talking here your life, your youth and your time. Yup, you can date and all but you cannot really find someone to be in relationship with. Such guys do not come knocking at your door. Relationships are not found. They are built together over some time.

My last point here: No one really expects you to sit around and wait for the great cosmic 'CLICK' to happen. Most guys these days understand that your personal history really does not begin with them. A 19th century 'virginity' context is, what it is: a reflection of that time. There is not much sense in going back there anymore.

SC

 

[RenaissanceMan]

Obviously, the decision is yours. But, if I were where you are--in your shoes--I'd go for the sex first, before the relationship. Get the kid-in-the-candy-store phase out of your system. Go out and have fun and get to know a variety of people "that way" and, in the process, get to know yourself. Then, you'll be more clued into yourself, other men, and not be so curious about sex. Then, you will make great relationship material.

My instinct reaction was "relationship" but I think averageguy (as usual) has put in a little more thought...and I think I agree with him. Maybe I wouldn't go for full-on casual sex with pretty much strangers....but let yourself "play around" a bit, so that when a potential relationship does come around, it isn't all about the sex. A lot of first relationships can subconsciously become about "getting there".

And as some guys mentioned...you might get a "this isn't what I want" feeling. Hopefully you don't sink into a casual sex routine though, because I don't see how that can be full-filling to anyone.

In any case, I wouldn't go for that first hookup with just anyone (you don't want to completely hate your first experiences). Getting into that LGBT office and into the "scene", meeting more gay people is a good start for all of this (and I'll go off and take my own advice).

 

[hermanding]

hollisterman - maybe it's not the best to have a concrete agenda - relationship nor casual sex and let what happens happen. i have been blessed with two relationships in my life, and when each guy came into my life, a relationship was the last thing on my mind. and from others i have known who have been out looking and were unsuccessful, i kinda wonder if it comes to a person when they don't search for it.
ding

 

[RicanDAB]

hollisterman - maybe it's not the best to have a concrete agenda - relationship nor casual sex and let what happens happen. i have been blessed with two relationships in my life, and when each guy came into my life, a relationship was the last thing on my mind. and from others i have known who have been out looking and were unsuccessful, i kinda wonder if it comes to a person when they don't search for it.
ding

Hollisterman,

I am with Hermanding on this one, he expressed my thoughts exactly. The most wonderful relationships I have had (including my present one) have been the ones that happened when I was not searching for one. You're only setting yourself up for heartache and frustration when you are deadset on having someone in your life and you can't seem to find him. Whoever is meant to grace your life at any time will work his way in quite nicely. Whether he is or is not with you for the long haul is not the issue, as I believe all guys you have relationships with have a role in shaping your being in preparation for the true love of your life. Meet guys just to meet guys and have fun - don't have a mindset or expectation either way of whether this guy is the one or if it will be just sex. Your heart and mind will tell you which it is in due time.

That said, in response to your post specifically:

is there any hope/promise/possibility of there really being a LTR waiting for me out there, even when i'm older? make that especially when i'm older.

OK, before I respond to that ... this is for you --->

Now that this has been done, let me just say that there is no promise of anything out there. You could find the love of your life tomorrow or 20 years from now ... or never for that matter. Just because you get "older" does not mean you're now immune to finding a relationship! In other words, don't lose hope! There's no cutoff age for locking in a relationship - it can happen at anytime. Don't read too much into the tone of my writing, I do not mean to come across as defensive or angry -- just want to dispel the notion that love has no limits and that YES it's possible to develop a LTR at any age. Many guys here I am sure will agree as examples -- including me.

Now get out there and do your thing, man! Have fun and stop searching .. you and your intended(s) will find one another eventually.

 

[hermanding]

rican is right on the age issue. my second blessing - who i am lucky enough to still be with - appeared accidentally in my life when i was 53 - and he was 51. age doesn't have to apply. and, there are no guarantees of ever finding anyone - and this is universal - not just in the gay community.
ding

 

[drhladnjak]

You know it doesn't have to be an either/or decision. If I were you, I'd focus on just meeting more gay men who you find interesting. Eventually, something will happen with somebody you feel somewhat comfortable with whether that's in a relationship or a hookup.

Personally, I think our culture builds up the value of virginity and the first time too much. I enjoyed my first time a lot even though it was a one-night thing with a friend of a friend from out of town. It wasn't earth shattering and we didn't have some celestial bond, but it was a good time with a good guy and I'd gladly do it all over again. I suppose I would have prefered to be in love with the guy and for him to be my boyfriend, but that's just not the way things worked out for me and that's fine.

In fact, now that I have a reasonable amount of experience with a variety of guys, I feel MUCH more prepared to be in a relationship than ever before. I don't have to wonder what's it's like to have casual sex because I've been there. I generally enjoy it, but it's only made me realize how much more I'd like to have somebody who's a more permanent fixture in my life and my bed.

The key is to enjoy it for what it is--your first time, not the end all be all of sexual existence. Having this expectation is important. Sure, you only get one first time, but the opportunities after that are virtually unlimited and are almost certain to be more enjoyable.

 

[luminum]

Of course there's always hope for an LTR, Hollister! You're in college. You should know that. Don't be stupid

We don't expire when we turn 21, because if that's the case, I'm running out of time. :shock:

So go for what you want. Relationships are possible any time as long as you look for them and get out there and work for them.

 

[RyeGuy]

Again, i thank everyone for the advice. i've decided to go for that happy middle: start to explore a little, develop some bonds, and if things happen, they happen. it looks like the best solution now.

i apologize for thinking that there was no real relationships beyond 30. i guess i've been watching too much TV...QAF and all. still, you have to admit that meeting someone who is real and into you for you regardless of looks gets harder as time moves on.

and i'm sorry if my headline was misleading: i am not rarin' to go for either a relationship or casual sex. its more like, if i have the opportunity, should i do it? ex. manhunt and craig's list are both there, but i was wondering if i should act on them.

and lastly...i have to admit i'm incredibly hesitant about the LGBT office, and not only because greek affairs is next to it. i've definitely come to accept who i am more and more, but so much of what is deemed "gay culture" just doesnt seem right for me. i mean, i can say with 99% certainty i will never dress in drag, and i dont really, as a lot of people may put it, "act gay."

i really don't know where i'm going with this. i'm probably going to go on a tangent separate from my topic. so i think i'll stop

 

[RicanDAB]

i apologize for thinking that there was no real relationships beyond 30. i guess i've been watching too much TV...QAF and all. still, you have to admit that meeting someone who is real and into you for you regardless of looks gets harder as time moves on.

OH NO YOU DID NOT go there again ... double !!!

H-man, the reverse is even more true as you get older ... and BTW I am in my mid/late 30s so I may be "older" but still hot-to-trot, you know what I'm saying?? Anyway ... if anything, guys our age (most of them I guess) are not as much concerned with the looks as much as they are with the person within. Most gay men my age are also past the whore stage of life and have now graduated toward relationships. You'll see that as you get older, you'll start looking at guys more so for who they are and if they have a great face and body it's gravy! Some younger guys are more hormone-driven and the physical is more appealing and probably the sole factor. Not to say we don't still look for physical attractiveness - we certainly do! But it's just a tad less important on the scale. Personally, you could be the hottest papi on the block and make me cum in my pants the minute you stare me down - but if you don't have a good mind to go with that bod - no way are you relationship material!

and lastly...i have to admit i'm incredibly hesitant about the LGBT office, and not only because greek affairs is next to it. i've definitely come to accept who i am more and more, but so much of what is deemed "gay culture" just doesnt seem right for me. i mean, i can say with 99% certainty i will never dress in drag, and i dont really, as a lot of people may put it, "act gay."

Greek affairs ... are you in a fraternity or planning to pledge? Sounds like this is why you are concerned about avoiding the LGBT office. I know when I was your age I steered clear of LGBT organizations for the same reason ... here's an idea, how about dropping a note in the LGBT office mailbox? Or writing an anonymous letter to the school paper claiming your reluctance to go to the LGBT office for fear of coming out (and depending on how small your school is this could spark quite a juicy conversaton piece about who wrote the note! ) ... if you never go to the LGBT office, what do you think you will be missing out on? Think about that.

 

[RyeGuy]

so this kind of relates to my thread, but really i just needed some tech help. does anyone know how to delete a manhunt account? i used it to find friends (yea, good luck right?) but i'm kind of sick of it. so if anyone knows how to get rid of a manhunt account, i'd really appreciate it.