Looking for some advice

[Scooch84]

Hi, Lurker here looking for a bit of advice especially from anyone who came out later in life.

Bit of background - I'm 30, live in U.K. Have been Out to my best mate (straight/male) since my early twenties. Came out to my parents just last month (they're older and a bit old fashioned - but they took it better than expected).

Only other person I am out to is a male straight colleague (I work in an office - small team) who said he would not tell anyone as that's up to me. I don't come across as gay - people assume I'm straight. I don't have any gay friends, my sexual experience is limited to a one night stand a couple of years ago after going to a gay club alone and meeting someone there.

The past week I've been feeling like wanting to come out at work, properly, i.e. the next time someone makes the passive or active assumption that I'm straight I will correct them, without being dramatic just matter of fact, even if the whole team overhears. I've felt like this before and usually lose the nerve but this time I've got a stronger intention because I'm genuinely tired of behaving as if I'm ashamed. I'm not too concerned about their reactions if I did come out - their acceptance and more authentic relationships would be nice but mainly i would be doing it for me, for my own acceptance so I didn't feel I was hiding all the time.

But at the same time, I doubt myself because I feel years behind in life experience, my co-workers have all been dating and living life to the full for years and their confidence seeps through. Even those who are currently single talk about dating again or meeting new partners and having sex, they are still confident in their approach to the opposite sex because they know they've got years of experience behind them. Even if i was out, i think i'd just back out of those conversations because I feel out of my depth and sit on the periphery and feel like I've missed the boat.

keen to hear any advice especially anyone who's worked through this already. How do you make up for lost years? How did you develop a network of gay friends in your thirties or later? Is this just the closet talking? Sorry for the long post!
Thanks,

 

[eddy79]

Hi

I'm was in a similar position to you, in that I came out later in life at 26. I had no gay people in my life at all, and I found that it helped to make a profile on Gaydar, not looking for hook ups but to try to make friends. It worked too and I became part of a good little group of guys, a support network for each other as we were all in a similar place in the coming out process.

Put the feelers out online (usual safety caveats apply of course!) - I'm always up for a chat over PM for example.

 

[KaraBulut]

... keen to hear any advice especially anyone who's worked through this already. How do you make up for lost years? How did you develop a network of gay friends in your thirties or later? Is this just the closet talking? Sorry for the long post!
Thanks,

It's difficult to meet gay people when you're in the closet. It's surprising how, when you're out, there's suddenly a group of people who want to introduce you to someone or fix you up. And of course, when you have gay friends, you meet their friends and your network of acquaintances increases exponentially.

Some of the answer will also depend on your definition of "friends".

If you're an extrovert and someone who has a large group of friends but very few "friends" who are close friends, then getting out and meeting people and finding other people via social networking/apps is a way to meet a lot of people quickly.

If you're more introverted, then meeting friends through other friends, doing volunteer work and interacting through the internet is probably a better way for you.

As for work- at this point, being out at work is probably not the biggest priority. It sounds like you have more work to do on being out in your personal life.

 

[Seasoned]

I wasn't fully out until I was 36. What prompted me to do so was wondering how long I'd live and thinking that short of an accident my life could have been half over at that point. It was at the time I met my husband so I met his family and friends. I kept my family and friends and was out to people after that as I met them.

You don't understand this yet but being in the closet has given you a perspective that can benefit you once out of the closet. The important thing to remember is that you weren't out for a reason. You'll be a happier and healthier person if you look forward rather than backward.

 

[Scooch84]

Thanks for the advice eddy79, KaraBulut, Seasoned - Appreciated, food for thought. I had thought about creating a gaydar or outeverywhere profile but didn't bother as it seems 95% are just looking for one thing. But i suppose a lot of that depends on how you pitch your profile so maybe I will.
Cheers,

 

[loaded]

Thank you for telling your story. The first thing you must do is to stop thinking that you have wasted time. You are still young and you have many, many years of relationship(s) ahead of you. Other people may have had lots of 'experience' but not all of that would have been positive. I personally don't consider attractive people who have too much confidence because they can be arrogant and they don't try as hard to make you happy.

Your sexuality is not anyone's business but yours. You should not feel ashamed but it doesn't mean you are obliged to tell your colleagues. Forcing yourself out of the closet may or may not result in self-acceptance and you can be very comfortable with yourself without declaring it to everyone. Basically, if you don't want to tell them, then don't.

Is there some reason for the self-doubt and the lack of confidence? How is your social life in general?

Just like straight people who want to make new friends, you should go to the places where people who share your interests tend to go. If you play sport or enjoy a hobby, you may be able to find an interest group for gay men. If you live in a populated area, those are easier to find but if you live in the middle of nowhere, on-line social networking is the best way to find like minds.

From what you have said, it sounds like you prefer to avoid the networks where men seek only casual sex. Luckily there are plenty of alternatives. Perhaps you have some friends from the past who have identified as gay on Facebook since you last saw them. Lots of JUB members are UK based; many are very nice and would make great friends.

Good luck!

 

[Scooch84]

Your sexuality is not anyone's business but yours. You should not feel ashamed but it doesn't mean you are obliged to tell your colleagues. Forcing yourself out of the closet may or may not result in self-acceptance and you can be very comfortable with yourself without declaring it to everyone. Basically, if you don't want to tell them, then don't.

I often think this as well, but if someone actively assumes you are straight is it not better to correct them, for your own feelings of integrity? Otherwise a relationship/friendship only seems to be able to go so far without one side being honest. I think some gay men think that everyone and anyone including strangers must know they are gay at all times regardless of the situation, whereas others think that it's something personal that is no ones business, but if people are making the assumption your straight then doing anything other than correcting this assumption feels like I'm being disingenuous or cowardly.

Is there some reason for the self-doubt and the lack of confidence? How is your social life in general?

I think coming out to my parents, although I'm pleased I did, has made me re-evaluate and I'm possibly overthinking too much putting me on a bit of a downer. My social life is OK it just lacks any gay people! I'm close with my best mate and I've been fully out to him for years. I socialize outside of work with colleagues as well but as already mentioned I keep some of them at a distance

Good luck!

Cheers, and thanks for the advice.

 

[TX-Beau]

I often think this as well, but if someone actively assumes you are straight is it not better to correct them, for your own feelings of integrity? Otherwise a relationship/friendship only seems to be able to go so far without one side being honest. I think some gay men think that everyone and anyone including strangers must know they are gay at all times regardless of the situation, whereas others think that it's something personal that is no ones business, but if people are making the assumption your straight then doing anything other than correcting this assumption feels like I'm being disingenuous or cowardly.

Alrighty, the only people who think that sexuality is "private" are gay people trying to hide it. Certaily straight people will out themselves to everyone at all times including perfect strangers and heterosexuality PERMEATES popular culture and always has.

Heterosexuality has never been private, so why exactly do we all pretend being gay is some kind of "personal" thing to be unmentioned?

We all know the answer to that. One never hears a straight person saying "Your sexuality is not anyone's business but yours.," because that's just bullshit. Of course sexuality is incredibly public, it always has been, and the only people saying otherwise, are people who want to hide who they are.

 

[Scooch84]

Alrighty, the only people who think that sexuality is "private" are gay people trying to hide it. Certaily straight people will out themselves to everyone at all times including perfect strangers and heterosexuality PERMEATES popular culture and always has.

Heterosexuality has never been private, so why exactly do we all pretend being gay is some kind of "personal" thing to be unmentioned?

We all know the answer to that. One never hears a straight person saying "Your sexuality is not anyone's business but yours.," because that's just bullshit. Of course sexuality is incredibly public, it always has been, and the only people saying otherwise, are people who want to hide who they are.

When put like that, it's crystal clear what I need to do I just need to grow a pair and do it. Thanks.

 

[loaded]

I think coming out to my parents, although I'm pleased I did, has made me re-evaluate and I'm possibly overthinking too much putting me on a bit of a downer.

You have taken a big step so it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed. Over time, it will feel more natural and you won't worry about it any more.

My social life is OK it just lacks any gay people!

It sounds like you are almost there; all you need do to expand your circle of friends is go where gay people go.

I often think this as well, but if someone actively assumes you are straight is it not better to correct them, for your own feelings of integrity? Otherwise a relationship/friendship only seems to be able to go so far without one side being honest. I think some gay men think that everyone and anyone including strangers must know they are gay at all times regardless of the situation, whereas others think that it's something personal that is no ones business, but if people are making the assumption your straight then doing anything other than correcting this assumption feels like I'm being disingenuous or cowardly.

Only you can decide whether it is better to correct them or not. You certainly don't owe them anything. If someone tried to arrange dates with girls for you, then telling them may be a good idea. If the friends are close, then of course you may want to tell each other personal things but if they prefer to not tell you about their.sexual activities, would you consider them disingenuous or cowardly? If not, then don't think that of yourself.

Your first post suggested that you don't want to tell your colleagues but would feel dishonest if you didn't. I am not trying to steer you in any direction; all I am saying is that you should expose yourself only if the reasons are right for you and not for other people.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.