Looking for some perspective...

[texpatriot]

I've been hitting the Gay Bars since I was in High School, and knew that I was Gay before I ever even came out to myself.

I've had six "significant" relationships since then; the first was with a best friend/roommate, the second was with an abusive alcoholic, the third was with a non-committal workaholic, the fourth was with a bisexual and his issues, the fifth was with a cheating drag queen, and the sixth was with a questioning Southern Baptist married guy who left his wife to be with me, and then caved when his family found out and replaced me and his family with crystal meth.

The end of the sixth relationship damned near destroyed me!

I'm way better now.

I met a guy online recently, who may or may have not been a Nigerian "Romance Scammer," but he inspired me to take a look at my life and all that I have to offer, especially financially.

After more than two months, and his realization that I wouldn't be sending him any money anytime soon, I think that I've just been dumped!

But these relationship that I've had, the LOVE that my heart has expressed and felt for each of these guys, these Men, the appreciation that my life has felt for having known these guys, I was always afraid that the loss of any one of these relationships would some how make me bitter. Some hateful un-trusting Bitch!

I'm happy to announce that I'm not.

I'm not bitter. (A little jaded perhaps, but not bitter! )

Each one of those six + relationships have inspired me to try and figure out what I did wrong. What did I say or do to fuck things up, or to add to the end or demise of our relationship together.

Instead each of them have inspired me to become more of the person that I want to be, and to be with in a relationship.

After a point I realized that there wasn't much point in beating myself up over answers that I may never get. Just appreciate what I had when I had it, and given the chance not to make the same mistakes twice.

Out of the six I've only remained friends with three of them over the years.

Those three have become the person that is called, or gets called at 3:00AM when the shit hits the fan and either of us are looking for some perspective or validation.

A good friend of mind told me the other day, "texpatriot you're a giver. You'll give whatever someone that you love needs."

I've since realized that I've allowed myself to be objectified both mentally, physically. and spiritually because of my ability or willingness to give, and not for who I really am.

My friends; my non-lovers/ex-lovers are my friends because they've actually given me in exchange everything that I've ever given or shared with them. With no strings attached, because I recognize a need within them that we all want to be loved for who we are.

That is why I Love them, and why I always will.

Those who haven't, or somehow found themselves incapable of understanding my perspective I no longer have time for, especially when I've found them judging me for shit that they either don't understand, or are too afraid to put themselves out there to even get.

I'm looking for perspective because I feel that I'm finally reaching that place where it's finally really okay to be me, and I guess I'm afraid that no one will care or be interested, and even if they are or are not where do I go from here?

Thanks for reading this far, and anything constructive that anyone could share would be appreciated.

 

[lostboy26]

Each one of those six + relationships have inspired me to try and figure out what I did wrong. What did I say or do to fuck things up, or to add to the end or demise of our relationship together.

Instead each of them have inspired me to become more of the person that I want to be, and to be with in a relationship.

After a point I realized that there wasn't much point in beating myself up over answers that I may never get. Just appreciate what I had when I had it, and given the chance not to make the same mistakes twice.

A good friend of mind told me the other day, "texpatriot you're a giver. You'll give whatever someone that you love needs."

That is why I Love them, and why I always will.

I am probably not the best person to comment because I'm in a mess myself but I can definitely relate to how being a 'giver' has its pros and cons.

I might only have had 2 previous relationships, and while they were pretty short-lived due to several issues (and I admit, a lot of them had to do with me), I do know that it is never easy to let go of someone completely, more so to hate them.

I don't see the point in hating someone or being bitter because of what had happened. They say it takes two to tango, but I think most problems in relationships are never one sided, both are to blame.

It sucks when things don't work out the way we want it but I've been told that if you really love someone, that love will never die but it's how that love is portrayed or dealt with that will change.

Not sure if all this make sense, but anyway.....just some thoughts.

 

[texpatriot]

I don't see the point in hating someone or being bitter because of what had happened. They say it takes two to tango, but I think most problems in relationships are never one sided, both are to blame.

That's true.

I decided that I never wanted to be friends with the cheating drag queen, because all of my friends/our friend knew that he had been cheating on me, and I was the last one to know, or find out about it.

I felt so betrayed because even a friend wouldn't do that to another friend, much less someone that they shared a bed and a mortgage with.

I accepted responsibility for my shit, but "she" never did.

She ultimately blamed me for holding her back.

If there's such thing as "karmic retribution" the "lover" that she left me for developed a nasty coke addiction, and she spent the next several years trying to get him over it.

I saw that as her guilt for not sticking things out with me.

But that makes me sound bitter.

Ultimately I felt like she was just using me for a roof over her head, and closet for her dresses.

 

[lostboy26]

But that makes me sound bitter.

Ultimately I felt like she was just using me for a roof over her head, and closet for her dresses.

It does make you sound bitter, but I'm sure you don't feel that way anymore.

It's just human nature to be angry and mad at someone at the onset of a problem, but once we chill down a little, we tend to be a lot more rational.

If an experience does not make the other party becomes a better person, then, we can always take heart knowing that it has changed us in one or more ways.

 

[texpatriot]

If an experience does not make the other party becomes a better person, then, we can always take heart knowing that it has changed us in one or more ways.

Can I quote this in Sharpie over all of the urinals of all of my favorite Gay Bars in Texas?



No I'm being serious Lostboy26, Thank You!

 

[lonnie1]

Usually in any relationship one party loves the other to a greater degree. It's searching for the right balance that is important. If you're the giver, many guys are very content being the taker. I think you need to find a person that gives you signs early on that he cares for you as much as you do for him. This can go from everyday things like him initiating a phone call to seeing how you're doing to sexual relations where once he is satisfied, it's not important what happens to you.
You sound like a really great person and I wish you well.

 

[texpatriot]

Usually in any relationship one party loves the other to a greater degree. It's searching for the right balance that is important. If you're the giver, many guys are very content being the taker. I think you need to find a person that gives you signs early on that he cares for you as much as you do for him. This can go from everyday things like him initiating a phone call to seeing how you're doing to sexual relations where once he is satisfied, it's not important what happens to you.
You sound like a really great person and I wish you well.

Thanks Lonnie1.

I do look for all of the things that you've mentioned, and without trying to come across as too needy, I do my level best to reciprocate.

I guess this is the point of this thread, I've met some really wonderful guys; guys who are sweet, and endearing, and for whatever reason want to be with me.

But there comes a point in time in my life where I find myself not trusting them, where suddenly I'm fulfilling some need that they have, but that they have no interest in fulfilling mine.

And that suddenly when they feel that I want more they abandone me, or worse lash out and blame me for not being be person that THEY wanted.

This is what I'm trying to figure out.

 

[lostboy26]

Can I quote this in Sharpie over all of the urinals of all of my favorite Gay Bars in Texas?



No I'm being serious Lostboy26, Thank You!

Yes, of course, you may certainly publish my quote but royalty has to be paid first!

 

[lostboy26]

But there comes a point in time in my life where I find myself not trusting them, where suddenly I'm fulfilling some need that they have, but that they have no interest in fulfilling mine.

And that suddenly when they feel that I want more they abandone me, or worse lash out and blame me for not being be person that THEY wanted.

I am totally with you - maybe we are needy people to begin with hence we give our everything and more hoping that the other person can and will reciprocate when they realize our need.

I might be pathetic, but I think I'd prefer being blamed than being abandoned (which is sadly, one of my greatest fears). I guess at least when you're blamed for something, it still gives you a chance to reason and try make it work although more times than not, I fail. But still, at least I've tried.

 

[lostboy26]

Usually in any relationship one party loves the other to a greater degree. It's searching for the right balance that is important. If you're the giver, many guys are very content being the taker. I think you need to find a person that gives you signs early on that he cares for you as much as you do for him. This can go from everyday things like him initiating a phone call to seeing how you're doing to sexual relations where once he is satisfied, it's not important what happens to you.
You sound like a really great person and I wish you well.

Totally agree with you lonnie1 on the need to find a balance and to show initiative.

Nonetheless, there are times when one can feel overwhelmed - after giving so much and receiving so little - do we give up or do we press on? It's a tough situation especially when one has other fears like being abandoned.

 

[spencer]

You just have to work on being comfortable alone. Then you will shine. Easier said than done, the fear of being alone or being dropped by someone you're into always seems to takeover, even when you're in the drivers seat, I hate it!

But you always sound so sincere in your posts, we should have lunch

 

[lostboy26]

You just have to work on being comfortable alone. Then you will shine. Easier said than done, the fear of being alone or being dropped by someone you're into always seems to takeover, even when you're in the drivers seat, I hate it!

But you always sound so sincere in your posts, we should have lunch

Can I come to lunch too?

 

[texpatriot]

You just have to work on being comfortable alone. Then you will shine. Easier said than done, the fear of being alone or being dropped by someone you're into always seems to takeover, even when you're in the drivers seat, I hate it!

But you always sound so sincere in your posts, we should have lunch

Fear is a mind killer! -Dune

Can I come to lunch too?

All you can eat buffet!

 

[spencer]

I don't do threesomes! You can have your own date lost boy. Or we can have our own date

I'll be in Texas for Thanksgiving y'all!

 

[M4P]

If you're given the opportunity texpatriot is worth meeting

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

<Bump>

Don't know if this is still going... but... texpatriot, don't you think you could be doing a lot better for yourself than most of the choices on your ex-relationship list?

Could it be you are continually setting up yourself for misery on purpose?

Think about the choices you made; why did you do that?

The Nigerian story tells me that you like being in situations like this. Stop it, because only misery lies that way (and you know it).

 

[G-Lexington]

Harke might have a point. I'm reminded of this acquaintance who got evicted from her fourth apartment in three years. She said "I keep getting assholes for landlords!" To which my friend told her, "And what's the common denominator?"

Lex

 

[Muscles4daze]

Usually in any relationship one party loves the other to a greater degree. It's searching for the right balance that is important. If you're the giver, many guys are very content being the taker. I think you need to find a person that gives you signs early on that he cares for you as much as you do for him. This can go from everyday things like him initiating a phone call to seeing how you're doing to sexual relations where once he is satisfied, it's not important what happens to you.
You sound like a really great person and I wish you well.

I agree, I learned that the hard way