Losing my hard on with a partner

[steve1977]

I am fairly attractive, 34, with a strong sex drive. When I am jerking off, I have no problem getting hard, staying hard, and getting off. I can cum several times a day. However, when I am with another man I seem to have a problem. This has happened on and off over the years and I am getting frustrated. Things will start out great, we will be making out, sucking each other, feeling each other, kissing, frotting, and so on. I am a top and one of my biggest turn ons is to lube up my cock and fuck a guy hard and deep. Just thinking about it now and I have a boner. The problem is that when it comes time to actually do it, I lose my erection. Dirty talk, sexual thoughts, and even porn don't seem to help. While it hasn't happened consistently, I would say 9 times out of 10 it does happen. More recently, it is even getting harder to stay hard when it is time to stick it in. I have read some things on the internet about performance anxiety. I am thinking that is my problem, but I don't feel anxious at the time, and I always go into it with the attitude that I am going to succeed.

I know I don't have ED because this is the only time when it is a problem. What could be triggering my sudden inability to stay hard when that magic moment is supposed to happen?

Can anyone help?

 

[dkj32224]

Sounds like a mental thing. Whats going through your head when your getting ready to fuck a guy?

 

[BiMike]

If you get off several times a day using your hand it may be you are getting too used to the sensation coming from that action where you are in complete control. When having anal sex you are not in complete control it is a joint thing with your partner. The big problem of course is because all sex is very much in the mind the more you worry about not staying hard it easier is it to loose it. Suggest less handjobs and more joint sex with a guy you really like if that is possible. Funny thing sex ! Best of luck Certainly not an ED problem.

 

[hotatlboi]

Happened to me.

You need to cut WAY back on looking at porn and the frequency of jacking off. You didn't even mention porn in your post but correct me if I'm wrong, I bet you watch way too much porn.

If you jack off several times a day (especially to porn) you get used to only getting hard that way. I had the exact same thing and knew I didn't have ED either.

I stopped looking at porn and jacking as much, and yes more sex with real guys and its mostly better now.

When you do jack off, instead of porn visualize what it would be like if a real guy was there with you. It is mostly a mental thing where have to make your body learn that being with another guy is the state in which you should be hard.

This is a serious problem that from what I've found mostly only affects younger guys. Older guys don't really have it because they had more experiences without porn taking up such a large part of their sexual lives that the internet typically now makes it for younger people.

 

[cabsterman]

Happened to me.

You need to cut WAY back on looking at porn and the frequency of jacking off. You didn't even mention porn in your post but correct me if I'm wrong, I bet you watch way too much porn.

If you jack off several times a day (especially to porn) you get used to only getting hard that way. I had the exact same thing and knew I didn't have ED either.

I stopped looking at porn and jacking as much, and yes more sex with real guys and its mostly better now.

When you do jack off, instead of porn visualize what it would be like if a real guy was there with you. It is mostly a mental thing where have to make your body learn that being with another guy is the state in which you should be hard.

This is a serious problem that from what I've found mostly only affects younger guys. Older guys don't really have it because they had more experiences without porn taking up such a large part of their sexual lives that the internet typically now makes it for younger people.

Definitely this!! I just read that you need several months of NOT looking at porn to re-program your brain. Porn is like a drug and hits the dopamine receptors. There is a very short article about this in March 2012 Men's Journal on page 61. The "Ask Dr. Bob" section... (and a good article several pages before about HPV).

I actually abstained from porn and jacking off for 2 months and trust me when I finally released I had a raging boner and loads of cum!! Your brain becomes so desensitized that stimulation will cease... yeah... makes sense!

 

[steve1977]

Thanks for the response everyone. First, what do I think about when I am getting ready to fuck a guy? Well, just that, fucking him. I get very excited about it and want to fuck so badly.

A little extra info. Condoms are a problem for me, I lose sensation and never been successful in fucking a guy with a condom. I know it is not safe, but barebacking is the only way for me to do it. Often times though, even without a condom I just find it is difficult to stay hard. I just don't know why.

Yes, I watch ALOT of porn. I can say I am addicted to it, but I don't need it to get off. I don't have a problem with blow jobs or frotting or just jerking off together, I can stay hard and cum without issue. I jerk off alot without the porn, shower, when out of town on business, or when I am not at home, like staying at a friend or family member's house. I get a hard on if the breeze blows a certain way. I am ALWAYS horny!

There is something specific about anal sex that is a problem. I can't put my finger on it. Yes porn helps to motivate, like I said, not a requirement, and I have even tried to fuck while watching porn. I just don't know why my erection goes away. I don't know if it is a subconscience fear that I am going to hurt the guy, or maybe I just want it so much that my brain is over stimulated and it is my body's reaction to compensate. (if that is even possible) Maybe I have a subconscience fear of failure because of failures in the past, but then what caused the intial failures? I did fuck a guy once who left me a nasty surprise when I pulled out, could I have a subconscience fear of that happening again and that the fantasy of it is better then ther reality? The times I have been successful have been amazing so I don't think that is it. I always go into the situation ready and willing, because I just want it so much, so whatever it is, I just don't know how to get past it.

 

[BiMike]

horny!

I don't know if it is a subconscience fear that I am going to hurt the guy, or maybe I just want it so much that my brain is over stimulated and it is my body's reaction to compensate. (if that is even possible) Maybe I have a subconscience fear of failure because of failures in the past, but then what caused the intial failures? I did fuck a guy once who left me a nasty surprise when I pulled out, could I have a subconscience fear of that happening again and that the fantasy of it is better then ther reality? The times I have been successful have been amazing so I don't think that is it. I always go into the situation ready and willing, because I just want it so much, so whatever it is, I just don't know how to get past it.

I think that may be your problem quite a few gay guys are not really into anal , I myself being Bi prefer to fuck pussy to ass !You dont have to fully penetrate with another guy to get off frotting can be just as hot for guys like you ! However if you have a partner that is a bottom guy you have a problem ! I am not too sure about the answer to that one ! The proble for you is the more you worry about not being able to stay hard the more difficult it will be . Hpoe your partner is understaning , best of luck .

 

[hotatlboi]

Yes, I watch ALOT of porn. I can say I am addicted to it, but I don't need it to get off. I don't have a problem with blow jobs or frotting or just jerking off together, I can stay hard and cum without issue. I jerk off alot without the porn, shower, when out of town on business, or when I am not at home, like staying at a friend or family member's house. I get a hard on if the breeze blows a certain way. I am ALWAYS horny!

There is something specific about anal sex that is a problem. I can't put my finger on it.

Well it was basically the exact same thing for me.

When I was with another guy, I could get hard kissing or sucking or whatever, but if I tried to fuck him I would go soft. Also if it took me a long time to cum from sucking I would go soft, basically I couldn't stay hard for very long at all.

Btw, not needing it to get off is irrelevant. I didn't need it either. But a corollary to this problem is that you get used to getting off alone too much, rather than with someone else.

Yes porn helps to motivate, like I said, not a requirement, and I have even tried to fuck while watching porn.

But that's the wrong approach. You have to totally cut porn out. Like you said you are addicted to it. You have to cut it out completely or this problem won't go away.

The problem will not be solvable watching porn while fucking because the problem is that you have gotten used to being hard watching other people fuck, rather than doing it yourself.

 

[hotatlboi]

I think that may be your problem quite a few gay guys are not really into anal , I myself being Bi prefer to fuck pussy to ass !You dont have to fully penetrate with another guy to get off frotting can be just as hot for guys like you ! However if you have a partner that is a bottom guy you have a problem ! I am not too sure about the answer to that one ! The proble for you is the more you worry about not being able to stay hard the more difficult it will be . Hpoe your partner is understaning , best of luck .

But he said he is into anal when it worked.

That's not his problem, his problem is porn addiction and sexual desensitization.

http://ehealthforum.com/health/porn-addiction-and-ed-t139353.html#b
http://www.reuniting.info/node/4167
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201003/porn-goes-performance-goes-down
http://www.edguider.com/forum/ed-ad...post-porn-addiction-erectile-dysfunction.html

Tons of younger men are having this problem.

This is going to be hard for you since you are addicted to it, but what you need to do is resolve to not watch a single porn video for the next 6 months, and only jack off like 1-2 times a week at most. I can almost guarantee you that this will help you greatly.

 

[cabsterman]

But he said he is into anal when it worked.

That's not his problem, his problem is porn addiction and sexual desensitization.

http://ehealthforum.com/health/porn-addiction-and-ed-t139353.html#b
http://www.reuniting.info/node/4167
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201003/porn-goes-performance-goes-down
http://www.edguider.com/forum/ed-ad...post-porn-addiction-erectile-dysfunction.html

Tons of younger men are having this problem.

This is going to be hard for you since you are addicted to it, but what you need to do is resolve to not watch a single porn video for the next 6 months, and only jack off like 1-2 times a week at most. I can almost guarantee you that this will help you greatly.

It def does come back if you abstain from viewing porn for several months. Its just like any type of addiction really.

 

[palemale]

Think about the guys that you had a problem with and the guys you didn't. Sometimes I have a problem maintaining an erection with a guy, and sometimes not. The most important factors for me are the lube, the condom and, most importantly, how I feel about the guy. Sometimes, you just have an ease and rapport with a guy, and are really into him. In those circumstances, maintaining a hard on isn't a problem when topping him. I find, however, that if one or both of us isn't completely comfortable with each other, or I am not really into the guy, it is more difficult to maintain a hard on.

I have a newer fuckbud and we are both comfortable and really into each other. We both love foreplay and kissing, and by the time it comes to topping, I'm really charged up. The first time I topped him, I was so worked up I had a multiple orgasm while topping him.

I suggest, if you meet a guy and aren't really feeling it, skip anal. We makes yourself anxious about performance when you probably aren't really into fucking the guy in the first place.

p.s. I'm not a rough sex guy. I go soft if I think I'm hurting my partner or making him too uncomfortable.

 

[KaraBulut]

We do see a lot of guys who are used to having sex alone, often watching porn, who have issues staying hard or coming (too early or too late) when they are with a real person.

Some of it is conditioning- you get used to getting off from visual stimulation and the feeling of your own hand jacking yourself off in a particular way.

An ass doesn't feel like a hand- with or without a condom.

While there's nothing wrong with jacking off, we really are designed to have sex with other people. If you're jacking off several times a day, you're creating a situation where the norm for you involves you, a bottle of lube, your right hand and selected pornography that doesn't offer real-life stimulation. Honestly, if you're past college age and you're still jacking off several times a day, you might want to give some thought to exactly why you are doing it so many times a day.

You may want to try to cut back on the porn and either jack off from fantasy or from watching yourself in the mirror. A masturbation sleeve will also give you a sensation closer to an ass when you are jacking off alone. Only jack-off when you're horny and you haven't had an available partner.

If you do find yourself with another guy and you're having problems coming or staying hard, switch to having him jack you off or jack yourself off. Don't focus so much on coming solely from fucking the guy- if you're able to make him come, there's nothing wrong with finishing yourself off.

 

[Benvolio]

Condums may be contributing. If they are tight and lubricated they can resit the erection. Try using the Jumbo size and the non-lubricated ones. Use one when you jack off and you may find it is less limiting later.

 

[Kensei]

I have a great solution for you that is working for me!

Get a flesh jack. It feels like a real life ass. Also, two very important things to remember when using a flesh jack: Don't push it up and down on your penis with your hand. Instead, do the opposite. Thrust into it with your waist as if it was an ass in front of you. Also, use a condom when fucking the flesh jack. I know this is annoying, but your body will surely adjust and it will be familiar to you when you're fucking your man.

Also, exercise. Getting fit and in shape goes a long way with self-esteem and sex.

 

[celtboy]

Do you think you might benefit from using a cockring?

 

[wishywashy]

damn,
i am SO grateful to have found this page.
because the links you guys are posting ..and what these guys are saying...is exactly what ive been going thru. ive had trouble staying hard too.

i watch so much porn. and soon eventually i got into watching harder stuff. ...regular porn just didnt really cut it ne more.

eventually porn...didnt have the same appeal to me...id watch it. and id beat it. but it truly did lose its appeal...but u just keep doing it cuz it felt so routine.

after reading these articles...
ive decided to quit porn and jacking off for a few months....

hopefully it helps.

 

[KaraBulut]

after reading these articles...
ive decided to quit porn and jacking off for a few months....

hopefully it helps.

To make this more complicated...

There is a "use-it-or-lose-it" quality to sex, too. Stopping all sexual activity isn't any more healthy than the other extreme.

The issue is the porn and the, in particular, sex with a human being replaced completely by masturbation. All you really need to do is cut back on using visual stimulation as your only means of getting off. Masturbate only when you are horny. Vary your routine- use fantasy, written erotica and other means besides video porn. If possible, get a sex partner, even if it's a fuckbuddy, so that you do have variety and outlets other than just 2 dimensional imagery of people with unrealistic bodies.