Lost and Flustered

[Defenestrating]

Dear JustusBoys,

Up until recently I had been questioning my sexuality (finally came out). I am at a university right now, however, and I met a boy who makes my heart flutter. We happen to live close to one another. One night while I was drinking with a group of friends he happened to be there as well. I didn't really know him but he was really cute and I couldn't help but flirt with him a little. After a few drinks we walked home together and I really think we hit it off. He is openly gay, a little shy, and awkward. I really hope something happens between us. I am unfortunately faced with 2 problems.

1. I don't think he knows/thinks I am gay.
2. I'm not confident as to the best way to let him know and ask him out.

I know this sounds more like its coming out of a high school drama than a college student but I am really nervous that this won't go well. I could use some advice to boost my confidence and point me in the right direction. He would be my first boyfriend. (Even saying it leaves a knot in my chest).

Thank you for listening <3,
Jack Calloway

 

[looseliam]

Relax. Slow down. Breath.

Now repeat after me, "You good enough, you're smart enough..." oops, sorry. =]

Anyhoo, start slowly. Get to know him and see where things lead. If nothing else, you could have found a great friend and mentor.

Soo, now the specifics. If you know some bits about him and his interest, if any align with yours you can propose some sort of outing.

Lean on your friend for any info if you're comfortable asking them. Not creepy stuff like what kind of underwear he wears or if they can grab one of his toothbrushes (true story), but ask if he's seeing someone, signal to them you fancy him a bit. Hopefully, one of them will let it slip to him which may help.

The old, 'would you like to grab a cup of coffee' line usually does the trick. In all my years of asking, I've never once actually had a cup of coffee

Oh, and welcome to JUB!

 

[hotb0d]

I don't think you should be thinking about a boyfriend or a relationship just yet.

You still have a big huddle in front of you, called coming out!!

then

you have a period of where you find yourself as an out gay man. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin first. This could be a long process.

then

ask him out, but I remember
1. some gay guys don't care much for recently out gay guys
2. might now find you as a suitable boyfriend material
3. there is always that question about top or bottom. Let's just hope he's what you're looking for sexually.
4. there is a question of gay sex experience.
5...much much more.

overall, starts slow. In conclusion, don't ask him out until you're out yourself.

 

[Defenestrating]

@looseliam - Thank you very much. That really helped.

@Hotb0d - Thank you for the cautionary advice. I might not have been too clear on it but I am mostly out (except to my catholic conservative Irish family). My friends all know and most people who know me now know that I am gay. As for top or bottom, well I like to think I would enjoy either postion (and hopefully so would he ). I'm hoping he doesn't mind that I am not too experienced.

This community is really wonderful. I think I am going to try finding out a bit more about him from our mutual friend. If anyone has any more advice I would love to hear it. I will keep you all updated with how it goes.

-JC

 

[Rolyo85]

If you have no prior experience with relationships and sex, I would also suggest you take it slow. Don't think about "asking him out", think about "hanging out with him". Make this switch in your brain so that what you're looking for from him is friendship. Trust me, the attraction won't go away, however a lot of the shyness and awkwardness will. That way, a relationship actually has a higher chance of happening. Plus, you actually would benefit more from a gay friend and mentor rather than a boyfriend if you're early in your coming out process.

Do you have other gay friends? If not, I'd suggest quickly making some. They can be online, this is the digital age and there is no shame in meeting people online. But you should NOT have only him in your life. He might end up being the love of your life, or he might be completely incompatible with you on every possible level, but as long as he is the only gay guy in your life, you'll make him amazing and huge in your mind, and that will inevitably end bad. Generally speaking, you need normality, and having only one potential love interest is not normal. For a straight guy all females around him are potential dating material. For a lot of gay guys there is only That One Guy, and it shouldn't be that way.

And last - don't expect you'd enjoy either position. It doesn't work that way. If you think for a second, you'll realize you're probably more inclined to one or the other - the types of guys that attract you, the fantasies you have about them, the parts of their bodies that arouse you the most. Those are all signs of what you prefer. That said, versatility is key, and I think it's beneficial for anyone to learn to do and enjoy both. But when you have no experience, you should first go with what comes naturally to you. Also, NEVER assume versatility in anyone. A lot of guys are versatile, but just as many, if not more, aren't. But once you get to know more gay guys, you'll begin to see the signs and be able to guess what they'd be into.

 

[Defenestrating]

@Roylo85 - Thank you as well for the advice. I think I may end up trying to make an effort to "hang out" with him rather than ask him out. If we spark as well as we were before then that can only be for the best . I do have a handful of other gay friends one of which I would consider dating. Hopefully I won't put him up on an unrealistic pedestal. As for my position preferences... Well I have done plenty of self exploration and experimentation. I would say I am probably pretty versatile. I would imagine the position I end up inclining towards will depend on what feels most comfortable with whomever I am with.

Thanks again,
-JC

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Jack,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask all kind of questions over here.

So this guy is an open gay and has already spend some time with you, and he seems to like you. And you don't have a girlfriend and you don't seem to be some sort of womanizer. Well, I don't think that you should be too surprized that he will have thought about your sexual orientation. So don't take it for granted that he will consider you as 'straight and single'.

So he seems to be single?

Well, it seems that you have alot of opportunities to spend more time with him. What kind of interests (or university related items) do you share with him? Any idea how easy it is to meet him again?

Well, you can always say to him that he has 'nice blue eyes' (or something like that). Straight friends don't say that kind of things to each other. And you were flirting with him (according to you, I don't know about his ideas), so why not make it abit more clear that you like him?

And you tell us that you have several other gay friends as well (likely fellow students), and it seems to me that its not anymore a 'big secret' that you are gay. So why shouldn't he already be aware that you are also gay? How do you know for sure that he is gay? Has he told this to you? Is he walking around with a rainbow bracelet (or something like that)?

Anyway, take your time, and just try to make clear to him that you like him. Towards my opinion, you are already more or less living a life as an open gay, do you? Likely (?), alot of girls will be aware that you don't seem to have interest in girls?

Best wishes, and feel free to ask for more advice.

 

[Defenestrating]

@Ganoderma - I appreciate hearing your view of the situation. It give me some more hope that he may want to spend more time with me . I am sure that he is gay (it's on his facebook status as well). I am openly gay. The university I am at is a religious university though and the culture is not too open to this (though they are very tolerant). For this reason most people assume you are straight until confirmed not to be. I have been told that I act "very straight" (whatever that means) and no one really bothers asking me whether I am gay or not. The result is that people who know me long enough eventually find out (usually with genuine surprise) but everyone else just assumes I'm straight. All this despite the fact that I do nothing to hide it :/. The boy I'm interested in transferred in this semester so he doesn't really know too many people that I know. You are right though, I am probably worrying too much and I should just try and spend more time with him. Thanks for lending me your ears .

-JC

 

[Defenestrating]

So a quick update:

I talked to one of our mutual friends. I scheduled a lunch with her and she promised to drag him along. Unfortunately he can't come until Monday =/. According to her though I am his type. Wish me the best.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Defenestrating,

Thanks for the friendly reply. I tend to think indeed that you don't need to worry too much. I assume you will also have a Facebook account, and what's indicated over there about you? Can people who are checking your Facebook account find out that you are a single gay guy?

I would not worry too much about people who describe you as 'very straight acting'. That's some sort of stereotype. You are a guy, and you happen to be gay. That's all. People are different, even way different from each other, and that's also the case for the way how they are behaving.

I tend to think that you can consider yourself as 'out' at the university. I mean, all people whom you care of (so all of your friends and even a circle of other people) are aware that you are gay, and you don't bother anymore if the rest of the people on the university know if you are gay or not. Well, then you don't hide anymore that you are gay and the door of the closet is wide open.

Open gays don't bother about other people. Things will become even more easy when you will have a boyfriend (maybe 'him'?) and when its obvious at the university that both of you are boyfriends of each other. Then no need to tell you are gay, as people can see. Same with Facebook.

Well, I hope all will go well on the mutual lunch with your female friend and with 'him'. Please keep us informed.

Maybe you should just take your time with him, and try at least to built up a nice friendship with him. Talking with each other, and be very open to each other about many aspects of life is a good way to built up such a friendship.

Take care and best wishes.

 

[Defenestrating]

Hey all,

Just updating as promised. So I met with the boy I like (from now on I will just call him "M"). We had lunch with a mutual friend. As it turns out he didn't know I was gay. Needless to say I got that out of the way early in the conversation. We flirted through lunch then walked to class together. I'm hoping to make lunch with him a Monday ritual but we will have to see how things go. I asked him out to dinner and drinks this weekend. He seemed eager accept. I am overjoyed. Thank you, JUB, for helping me gain the confidence I needed. Thanks to you I have a new friend (and hopefully future boyfriend).

Sincerely,
Jack Calloway

 

[HunterM]

Congratulations!

 

[looseliam]

Wohoo! Let us know how it goes!

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. It's nice to read about your excitement with regard to meeting M. You are on your way towards a fuller life no matter how this unfolds. You seem to be open to new experiences are are willing to take safe risks. Those are great qualities and will enrich your life. Good luck to you.