Lost, Gay, and Confused

[brownbear787]

Okay so after visiting this site, I can relate to many of your post...here is mine...

I'm a 21 year old Black overweight male. I am in my senior year of college and am still a virgin. I live on campus in a Freshmen dorm (I'm an RA) I have never done anything with girls, but have had oral sex with other guys.

At first I said to myself I was Bi b/c I thought female celebs like angelia jolie and beyonce were sexy. Now because I don't think of having sex with females, I have realized I am gay. I am not feminine acting but sometimes I act like a girl.

My mom and I are really close and I act like her alot. She's a real bitch, so I act like a real asshole. She also has a warm heart and I am kind and caring too. So anyway, I feel I am 80% masculine and 20% Feminine. I prefer to be close friends with chill people who are not flamboyant (no offense to anyone)

I don't have any close friends. I know this may sound strange, but I have many acquaintances. All throught college, I never made those life long relationships and I wish that I had friends to go out with and talk to all the time. I am not a party go-er and clubs/bars are not my scene- However I starting going to str8 bars last semester and like them better than clubs.

My Issues
1. I have been battling my weight since I was 16 and find myself insecure b/c of it. I would go to the gym on my campus, but NO ONE at the gym is overwight, so I choose not to go. Also I don't have close friends to go with. I feel if I have support like a work out parter/friend, they could motivate me to loose weight and I wouldn't stand out at the gym.

2. My sexuality is gay and I am deep in the closet or "DL". I have not told anyone, but have came close. I am at the point where if anyone asks, I might say I am gay. I honeslty think people suspect I am gay b/c: I work at Blockbuster and a gay guy and a gay couple asked be about the new Noah's Arc movie on DVD. Plus I have more female than male friends.

3. Love life- My love life does not exist. I have never been in a LTR. At this point in my life I want a LTR and I want to love someone and be loved back. I want to find love, but I feel I am looking in all the wrong places (craigslists and online personals) I get so sad when I see other people in relationships and wish I was in one too. I have a cute face and I have been told I am.... but when people find out about my weight, they don't talk to me anymore. I find myself attacted to average people sized people but no one wants to be with a fat guy.

4. Friendships: I don't have close friends and the gay crowd on my campus looks like a close knit family. They already have friendships, and I don't feel comfortable coming out to people I know.

Besides loosing weight, eating healthy, and exercising, how can I"

A. Find close friends?
B. Meet people for a dating relationship?

First I would like to thank you for reading my thread if you have gotten this far and your responses are appreciated.

 

[slnattak]

Even if you are 90% feminine and 10% masculine, that would be okay you know that right. You don't have to get bitchy/defensive against femmes. What we don't like in other people are usually things we do not like in ourselves.

You don't have to develop an angsty/distant campiness to cover up for your natural femininity. There are sweet guys out there can love a fat black bear fem like you....usually other fat black bear fems.

I can tell right now what your problem is. Your self-defeating, poor me attitude. It's pushing gay men that can really care about you away.

How do you find friends? Well I don't know. I guess you just accept people as they are, and develop your confidence slowly and naturally over time. Things take time and work, but they have a way of sorting themselves out.

 

[brownbear787]

I apologize if I offended anyone in my post....In reference to feminine guys, I have nothing at all against you. I have acquaintances who are feminine, but thats about it. I guess I am just afraid of getting to close...or maybe I just don't want to be judged....

If I had to date anyone, I prefer to date a masculine guy. Those are guys I am romantically and sexually attracted to.

I dont have a problem with having feminine friends and I am sorry for my previous comments. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Seasoned]

Honey,
I can tell you are a nice guy and that is a huge beginning. I think you'd be better off finding ways to meet people in person because the visual screening is automatic and face, smile and personality can shine. You've done a lot of self analysis; now get out and meet people. The gym can be intimidating, but you don't have to change and shower there; you could motivate yourself by going for the eye candy. You could also just start moving by walking. If you have a little spare cash Weight Watchers is a good program. PM me anytime. Good luck to you.

 

[ZacBoy]

I don't know anything about weight loss or anything so I'm not even gunna touch that one lol.

People like being friends with happy, self-confident and funny people. People like dating happy, self-confident and funny people. I think that it might be some insecurities, not your weight, that are holding you back from really putting yourself out there and making friends and dating. Lot's of larger people have friends, and I'm sure there plenty of people who would love to be your friend, you sound like a really sweet guy. You just gotta put yourself out there a little and have some fun.

 

[Dakarai]

As an Afrikan American man,


Cleanse Your Body
*You should follow a holistic, organic and nutrionally balanced way of eating that of our ancestors in Afrika (Cut out red meats, limit your fish intake)

Cleanse Your Mind
*Meditate - activate your Kundalini
Dance, sit still or whatever as long as you cleanse your mind of negative energy.

Liberate Your Soul
When you follow the two steps above you will surely come forth into yourself and be liberated. Activate your pineal gland.

Now if you follow a poor diet it inturns affects your body which is the temple of your mind (Brain) and inside your brain is your pineal gland where your soul resides (Eye of Heru)

First start by liberating yourself of your negative energy and then manifest positive energy, get to know thyself and you will see how things turn out for you.

Another thing I would like to point out to you and this is not to offend you or anyone. Afrikan and decendants of Afrikans are built naturally big or lithe, look at your bone structure and do what you can at dropping excess weight you carry and keep yourself balanced out at that weight by just following a very holistic lifestyle.

''You are what you think and eat''

I battled with weight issues too but I just started following a holistic lifestyle, changed my thought patterns and I am getting to where I want to be not where society wants me to be.
Now I have to be honest you will never look like those white models you see in magazines or television, they lack something you have as melanated person that can transform your life in an instant. You will only look like you and that is determined by how you think and eat.

The core of your problem is emotional, spiritual and because of that it has showed up as being overweight. Now what you must also realize is that you need to find the balance point within yourself.

I recommend you purchase the books of Queen Afua, she gives very good advice to melanated people. You are naturally androgynous - that's why I recommend her to you as you resonate more with the feminine energy. Oh and don't let the sissyphobic and homophobic (gay and straight) men get to you. Be who you and let it come naturally to you!!

This is a lifelong process So make the most of this adventure here because your next life will be even better!!

As for friendships and love they will fall into place once you step into who are you.

Love

Daka

 

[sean9999]

Hey brownbear. I think other posters have given you some terrific advice so I'm not gonna repeat. What I do want to say is being confused at 21 isn't so unusual. It's pretty typical I think. Especially if you're coming to terms with being gay and simultaneously trying to figure out where you fit in the gay continuum. Straights tend to work these things out earlier for all the obvious reasons. But you will sort it out sooner or later. Probably sooner. And I have to say just because your peers on campus seem to have it all together doesn't mean they do. My own gay son just turned 21 today and he's as confused as you say you are. It comes with the territory.

Have faith in yourself. Take some chances. This is a big one. Do something you think you can't. And don't ever quit. Your confidence in yourself will build. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to EC! OK, point by point...

1. If you want to, co to the gym. Seriously. A gym with nothing but in-shape folks in it is like a hospital full of healthy people. That stuff in there is specifically designed to whip you into shape, so you may as well take advantage of it. If you're worried about getting "looks", don't. I've gone into gyms as the only flabby guy, and most guys are far too into their own regiment to even spare me a glance.

If you're intimidated by the machines, find a trainer, and ask for a couple recommendations. Or start simple - the treadmill. They're pretty self-explanatory. Start it up, pick a speed that's a fastish walk, set the incline to about 4%, crank up the iPod, and walk until you feel like you've had enoug. It might be ten minutes, it might be 30 minutes. Doesn't matter. Come back next time, do it again, and try to do two more minutes than last time. Don't try to make-up for the last five years of weight gain in a week - you won't be able to, and you'll give up. You gained the weight bit by bit - you're gonna have to lose it bit by bit. But you will.

You might try working on your diet as well. Again, small steps. If you try to subsist on a stalk of celery a day, you'll go nuts by Thursday. Make simple changes. And I know that's tough if you're eating at the dining hall, but you can make some changes. No mayo on the sandwich.
Start each meal with a small salad with little or no dressing. Throw away the last bite of everything (I call that "my offering to the diet gods").

2. If you want to "come out", do so. You don't have to make it some grand announcement if you'd rather not. Just feel free to tell your friends things like, "Yeah, I'm trying to eat better. I'm tired of not having a boyfriend."

3. Here's a little secret for you.

Fat guys get dates.
Fat guys get boyfriends.
And fat guys get laid.

It may take more work, but it still happens. So why the problem on craigslist? Because it's craigslist. See, sites like that are fine in a "oo, he looks good, I'd love to get me a piece of that" sort of way. You probably look at the guys on the site the same way. You probably are more apt to think "He's hot, I'd like some" than "This guy appears to be an interesting loving man I could enter a relationship with".

Now, there's nothing WRONG with craigslist, or with hooking up with a hot guy. But it doesn't play to your strengths. You've got a cute face and a kind heart, and those are ideal for more traditional, getting-to-know-you type of relationships. Yes, they're tougher, and they take longer. But the bonds DO tend to be stronger, and you're much more likely to end up with a long-term boyfriend than a one-night stand. (I know right now, you probably wouldn't mind either one, but again, play to your strengths.)

4. If your school is big enough to have an RA program, it's probably big enough to have a LBGTSU of some sort. And it might be a bit late in the game - you presumably will be graduating soon - but it couldn't hurt to go visit. Most gay student unions have open houses at least once a month, and sometimes once a week. Stop by, say hello. The reason the gay guys on campus are so close-knit almost certainly is due to that student union. That's where they met, that's where they got to know each other, and that's where they became friends. And you can too.

One more quick thing to point out.

"I find myself attacted to average people sized people but no one wants to be with a fat guy."

I understand where you're coming from, but do keep your heart open. There was another overweight guy on this site about a year ago, complaining that he couldn't get a boyfriend. "Nobody wants a fat guy like me. Gay guys are so shallow!" We offered some advice, told him to put himself out there more, and he admitted that guys were finally starting to talk to him, but "nobody I'm interested in". We asked for details, and he said, "Oh, they're all fat like me. And I don't want a fat guy - I want someone hot!"

Don't be like this guy. If you want people to keep an open mind, you're gonna want to keep an open mind, too. Don't immediately push someone away because they're too fat, too ugly, or too femmy. That doesn't mean you have to date them, or go to bed with them. But don't push them away. Get to know them a bit. Give them a chance. Even if they end up not being boyfriend material, they could end up being a good friend. And most gay people have other gay friends, and maybe one of THOSE will be the right guy for you.

Lex

 

[King08]

Wow some of these issues hit home.

First off the weight: I'm overweight but am working on it. I hate gyms with a passion but do like me and get out there and walk. I walk to all my classes come rain and shine. I walk whenever I have free time and it's starting to help. It will take longer than being in a gym but it helps.

Secondly: I'm in the closet. That's the issue I'm working on. My hometown was like this. If you were popular and came out good for you. If you weren't popular then you became public enemy number 1. I'm just starting to realize (I'm a Freshmen at college) that since I'm away from home things are a lot different. I still haven't came out to anyone but I have a friend who I think will accept it. She keeps hinting that she knows anyway.

 

[bankside]

My Issues
1. I have been battling my weight since I was 16 and find myself insecure b/c of it. I would go to the gym on my campus, but NO ONE at the gym is overwight, so I choose not to go. Also I don't have close friends to go with. I feel if I have support like a work out parter/friend, they could motivate me to loose weight and I wouldn't stand out at the gym.

Just a second, you "choose not to go" but you forget this is a choice. You could choose to go. If it is a free choice, it means you like being the weight you are now more than dealing with feeling embarrassed by going to the gym. Anyway, who says you have to go to the gym. Grab a sidewalk.

2. My sexuality is gay and I am deep in the closet or "DL". I have not told anyone, but have came close. I am at the point where if anyone asks, I might say I am gay. I honeslty think people suspect I am gay b/c: I work at Blockbuster and a gay guy and a gay couple asked be about the new Noah's Arc movie on DVD. Plus I have more female than male friends.

3. Love life- My love life does not exist. I have never been in a LTR. At this point in my life I want a LTR and I want to love someone and be loved back. I want to find love, but I feel I am looking in all the wrong places (craigslists and online personals) I get so sad when I see other people in relationships and wish I was in one too. I have a cute face and I have been told I am.... but when people find out about my weight, they don't talk to me anymore. I find myself attacted to average people sized people but no one wants to be with a fat guy.

At your age I still had four years to go before I met my guy. It was worth the wait. You like average-sized people. Can't blame someone you are interested in for having the same inclinations as you. Do you want to be an average sized person? Four years is lots of time to get there in a healthy way.

4. Friendships: I don't have close friends and the gay crowd on my campus looks like a close knit family. They already have friendships, and I don't feel comfortable coming out to people I know.

Besides loosing weight, eating healthy, and exercising, how can I"

A. Find close friends?
B. Meet people for a dating relationship?

First I would like to thank you for reading my thread if you have gotten this far and your responses are appreciated.

What's wrong with losing weight, eating healthfully and exercising?