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Lost in the dating abyss. An introspective thought.

contradict1self

contradict1self

Joined
Oct 7, 2004
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Howdy,

So I just recently (about 3 years ago) had my first sexual contact with another man. A friend of mine which I regret for various reasons.

I had only been with and dated women until then (though there was a thing that had happened when I was in my early 20's).

I have basically ever since my early 20's considered myself bisexual. Any of my close friend's are aware as it was pretty hard to miss me basically dating a guy.

I know I like men and have been trying to date though it hasn't really worked out all that well. From what I've been told I live in a kind of bad area to meet other men. The closest "city" if you can call it that, to me, is Warren, OH. I really don't know how to react I suppose. I'm a rather shy guy by nature anyway and sometimes I just don't know how to strike up a conversation with someone. Bars super creep me out for instance and I don't know if that is really a great place to meet.

I met a guy on an online dating site but he was a bit too intense and controlling for me and after a couple of months I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore (we only went on 5 dates). When I tried to go on another dating site he would find me and send me weird messages. He would keep texting me afterwards and was taking screen shots that he was googling me and other things that kind of freaked me out. So that definitely made me a bit gun shy so to speak.

I've only met people online.

Through some introspection I've also been thinking that perhaps it's just that I am lonely. That finding someone through the online websites was rather artificial in that it kind of feels forced I suppose.

I know there are other men out there who like the things that I do. I love the outdoors, hiking, kayaking, swimming etc. I love to cook, read and travel. I even like to play video games, watch screwy anime and other TV shows.

However, again philosophically does any of this even matter if the only reason I am reaching out is through some sort of loneliness?
 
Kill two birds with one stone.

Focus more on just finding some gay friends to hang out with socially, and once your part of a flock, learn the lay of the land from their experiences. More than likely after some prolonged exposure you're bound to meet a friend of a friend at some gathering and grow an intimate relationship.
 
I lived up in that part of the world for 2 god awful years. Fortunately, my partner (at the time) moved with me. I am an extraordinarily outgoing guy -- and it was IMPOSSIBLE to make friends. Up there, they have the attitude that "if they don't know you, they don't like you". I'm not kidding.

I wrapped up the professional part of my career and pointed my car south.

So glad to leave.

I know this isn't helpful -- just my personal experience.

We had a lot friends that visited from out of town -- and the weekends that we didn't have company -- we travelled.
 
That finding someone through the online websites was rather artificial in that it kind of feels forced I suppose.
Click to expand...

True... and what's also true is that it's extremely hard to know other gay guys you can talk to outside of these websites when you live away from the city and the gay scene isn't much.

So keep looking online for someone sharing your same views and... remember that loneliness is still better than the company at all costs.
 
Is it a job holding you in Warren? Family? Perhaps you need a new environment where you could meet new friends and escape the stalker. Online is OK, however as you have said, you are a bit gun shy. It's summer, take a vacation to an area you would like and meet people there. Look for a job position while you are there. I know there is someone out there looking for you. Good luck and best wishes.

Craiger
 
It's a little of both I suppose. Family and job, house etc. I lived in Columbus for a few years and loved it but didn't think I was ready to start seeing men back then. There are way way way more jobs and better paying down there for my specialty down there too. That being said cost of living is so much more down there compared to here. A house is way more expensive and I really am partial to a more rural environment. It's been a pipe dream of mine to get a job in my field and live on a nice secluded plot in rural Georgia Southern.

With that being said I just don't know how much a change of scenery will really change my world I suppose.

Thank you for all the helpful advice though.
 
contradict1self said:
...It's been a pipe dream of mine to get a job in my field and live on a nice secluded plot in rural Georgia Southern.

With that being said I just don't know how much a change of scenery will really change my world I suppose...
Click to expand...
It's a matter of priorities, isn't it?

The two scenarios that you're creating is a life alone in a rural area vs a life with greater choices in a more urban area. You know that where you're living isn't going to produce a lot of gay friends or possible boyfriends.

You're still relatively young. While it's nice to have a dream of living out in the country, we're talking about today.
 
contradict1self said:
With that being said I just don't know how much a change of scenery will really change my world I suppose.
Click to expand...

A change of scenery will definitely change your world. Columbus has become one of the more liberal and open cities in OH recently, and I think you would have a lot more choice and be able to really dive into a dating scene there.

Now that you are ready to date men, you will have a more positive experience there vs. Warren. Also, just because you want a house, doesn't mean you cannot live outside Columbus (or another major city), and still have access to the community which the location supports. You can still find relatively inexpensive housing within a 30 mi radius of Columbus.

Also, to answer your original question, it is not always ideal to meet people online vs. naturally, but it does not necessarily mean that you will get poor results from doing so. I live in NY now, but before I lived in OH, CT, TX, and GA. I almost exclusively met people online and through apps, and had some positive experiences and some negative. Maybe the difference between you and I is that I had a larger pool to choose from, and I met several people. Those that didn't work out fizzled, and those that did I kept up with. One thing I learned from this was that whether online or in person, meeting and vibing with people is a numbers game, just like the straight world. The more guys you meet, the more chances you will have to connect with someone at all. You just have to get over the self consciousness of it feeling forced.
 
Wow thank you.

I mean moving really isn't an option for me without selling my house and etc but I really do thank you all.

Any suggestions on dating sites? Is paying really worth it? I thought about going to a gay bar that is pretty big in Youngstown but I don't know what to expect really.
 
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