Lost my empathy and everything else

[Brtyui]

I don't really know where to begin to be honest, so i guess i will just start ~
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As the title suggests, since about October of 2011 I've been doing extremely dangerous and quite frankly just silly self destructive things; ranging from sleeping with guys i don't even know the names of and going back to their place, to having unprotected sex with positive guys, to taking drugs and just generally not being a very nice person. I just felt and still feel extremely empty inside.

Doing all that stuff made me feel, something...anything at all to be fair and it was good... i liked it. The strange part was i actually felt like myself, and i haven't felt like that since 2006. What scares me is my inability to empathizes with people, along with just in general care for people which just comes naturally to me... I've noticed this has been happening for quite some time to be honest. But i didn't think too much of it, but now i just feel like i say to people what ever they want to hear because its easier that way, I pretend to care, cos really inside i just seem to be really cold.

Am worried that this is my true self, as being this harsh person actually got me places rather than being a nice person; its just an excuse to be a walking carpet for other people. I've always had to deal with what ever it was alone, for example my self harm. So doing and keeping things to myself is just natural. I just have always had this real anger inside; anger for myself, anger for my family, anger for just about anything and everything... i just don't understand where its coming from anymore. i think I am just giving up slowly and quietly... sad thing is am only 22 and i think that the less u care the better chance at finding what u need in life.....

I have an extremely wonderful boyfriend who helped me stop all self destructive things, i have 6 really good friends who quite frankly i owe my life to and a understanding family which i barely even talk to them

i just feel like i should be somewhere else in my life instead of looking back and just seeing mistakes and angry.

 

[kallipolis]

I have an extremely wonderful boyfriend who helped me stop all self destructive things, i have 6 really good friends who quite frankly i owe my life to and a understanding family which i barely even talk to them

i just feel like i should be somewhere else in my life instead of looking back and just seeing mistakes and angry.

It is the here, and now that matters rather than the water that has flowed under the bridge.

Well done for having turned your life around with a boyfriend to assist you to better deal with your life's daily challenges, and of course those very special friends who also contribute to your well being.

Our life's ongoing experiences teach us to be much more selective in our choices, that we may develop a life worth living to enjoy.

Your progress in self improvement evidences that you are now making life affirming decisions that will continue to contribute to your well being, and happiness.

Congratulations! and, remember each day we rise from our bed we are given another chance to improve on yesterday, when learning that our yesterday's lessons are an investment in our steadily improving life.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.~The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám

 

[JoeyJoeJoeShabadu]

..... The strange part was i actually felt like myself, and i haven't felt like that since 2006. ....

This.
Something happened since 2006 that caused this damage to you. Your answers will begin in contemplating whatever happened.

.......since about October of 2011 I've been doing extremely dangerous and quite frankly just silly self destructive things; ranging from sleeping with guys i don't even know the names of and going back to their place, to having unprotected sex with positive guys, to taking drugs and just generally not being a very nice person. I just felt and still feel extremely empty inside........ What scares me is my inability to empathizes with people, along with just in general care for people which just comes naturally to me... I've noticed this has been happening for quite some time to be honest. But i didn't think too much of it, but now i just feel like i say to people what ever they want to hear because its easier that way, I pretend to care, cos really inside i just seem to be really cold.

Am worried that this is my true self, as being this harsh person actually got me places rather than being a nice person; its just an excuse to be a walking carpet for other people. .....

Your behaviour suggests you lack empathy for yourself, not others. A true lack of empathy is consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and even Psychopathy; unless you are leaving out details - that doesn't sound like you. Both are very exploitative disorders that usually involve harm against others and not themselves.

..... I've always had to deal with what ever it was alone, for example my self harm. So doing and keeping things to myself is just natural. I just have always had this real anger inside; anger for myself, anger for my family, anger for just about anything and everything... i just don't understand where its coming from anymore. i think I am just giving up slowly and quietly... sad thing is am only 22 and i think that the less u care the better chance at finding what u need in life..... i just feel like i should be somewhere else in my life instead of looking back and just seeing mistakes and angry.

Not a medical evaluation: it really sounds like you are a survivor of some form of abuse. A complete lack of regard for your own well-being and safety, coupled with infectious anger is typical of abuse survivors; with little to no regard for their own lives, it is next to impossible to develop empathy for others.

You need professional help.

If your avatar is correct, are you are in Scotland, NHS Scotland does cover psychotherapy - your GP will refer you to a Psychotherapist or Psychiatrist, but can also (often) offer the services themselves.

From my experience, your circumstances will not resolve itself. Please update.

 

[Brtyui]

thnx kindly for both ur reply's so far
it is much appreciated.

@JoeyJoeJoeShabadu what happened in 2006 was basically i went off the rails , i drank too much, hand random one night stands [ not to the extent in october 2011] and did self harm and did drugs. i didnt get much support from my family i guess so i had to just get on with things. it all came to a head when i tried to opt myself so to speak, but failed [gun wasnt loaded] so from that day on i made a promise to my mates [6 of them] id never try to kill myself or do self harm again, and ive kept that promise ever since ... to an extent ,,, cos really what ive been doing in oct 2011 is a different kind of self harm just not with a blade i guess.

i am also well aware of the medical and psychologist view point as i study psychology and my family all work in the nhs so am very clued up on the situation. there has been no abuse or anything like that. i thought i had gotten over what ever i had done in the past though for some reason ramdomly i just seem to be undoing all that hard work i did to teach myself its ok etc

@ kallipolis i just get so frustrated with myself sometimes it just makes me wish i was different person

 

[kallipolis]

kallipolis i just get so frustrated with myself sometimes it just makes me wish i was different person

It is through resistance training that we grow our resolve to overcome all our daily trials, and tribulations much in the same way a body builder uses weights to build muscles and an attractive body.

Resist any temptation to yield to depression, or surrender to your daily challenges for those trials build for us a better life; a life filled with the joys that grow out of our need to transcend every tribulation which arrives on our doorstep.

Stop your forays into your past life. You can change nothing in your past.

Focus on the present and your future will take care of it self.

Your ongoing progress indicates that you are a different person from the person you once were which evidences that you are on the right track.

Each day you rise from your bed gives you another opportunity to improve on the person you were yesterday. Use your day well that your tomorrow may reward you with increasing happiness, and the will to overcome the temptation to surrender to your trials.

Never look back, always look ahead.

Remember, you are stronger, and wiser than you believe you are.

Believe in your self, and your life will reward you with joy which resonates with your efforts to enjoy your life's journey.

 

[JoeyJoeJoeShabadu]

...... i thought i had gotten over what ever i had done in the past though for some reason ramdomly i just seem to be undoing all that hard work i did to teach myself its ok etc ......

JMO: self-harm is never random. There is always a reason.

I'm a little disturbed by your mentioning that your family work in the NHS, yet you never received any real support from them. Regardless of what was (or wasn't) said and/or done - by either your or them - it sounds like a very sad and isolate circumstance to be in. I'm not proposing blame against anyone; instead, just an understanding of (one of) the reasons why you are in so much pain.

Are there any alternatives to the NHS for psychotherapy you would consider?

 

[Brtyui]

well could be is how i feel now? that am undoing all that wrong fro years ago?

 

[kallipolis]

well could be is how i feel now? that am undoing all that wrong fro years ago?

Could be that you need to get out, and about meeting people.

Cabin fever can be a catalyst for depression, and its constant companion, despair.

 

[Brtyui]

hmmmmm ,
i am stuck in a rut, ive in in this rut for like 3 years now. i think ive just gotten tired of it.

dont understand why i keep trying and i get nowhere

 

[igotmail333]

Hey Brtyui,

Thanks for replying my thread. I find your comment really helpful. I came to search for your thread and want to know more about you.

I had that kind feeling some times ago. And probably I can share my thought with you.

Never look into the past to find some reasons or find fault to overcome. I guess temporarily you are just too bored with your life. It is our human nature to look for something new or special subconsciously when we are being "routine" for a long period of time. You feel "trapped", or "stuck" but you are definitely NOT. It is just a feeling. You can plan something extraordinary to spice up your life, and in so avoiding any self-harm activity. My suggestion is, you could plan a trip, where you'll go to a completely strange places, and doing something very different. You could learn a new skill like if you never swim, you could sign up for a swimming course. Besides you can go hiking or jungle trekking, with friends of course. Going into a place where there is no building or even no mobile reception, and sweating for 5-6 hours, will bring new feeling or perception. Please believe me on this. The point is try something new, and quite challenging, probably indulging in it, make yourself really good in it. You'll get the endorphin flowing. Don't ever engage in any form of self form to bring that feeling of "high". You do not need it and you deserved a better life.

Lastly, there are people who always care for you. And probably feeling bored and want somebody to hang out with. Give them a call when you are emotional. You could plan something ahead in the weekend, so you have something to look forward to while the weekdays "crawling".