Love @ first sight, Or what is really?

[Ondrjza]

Hi Guys,

Although I’ve been following this site for years, It’s actually the first time I’m posting anything and have just signed up to make my following official .

Anyway, here’s my story. I met a guy on a gay hookup site mid last year and I completely fell for him almost instantly. One might say it could have been a crush. But this was different. I’ve had crushes in my lifetime and this wasn’t it. If “LOVE @ 1st Site existed” this was it. So we chatted for a while by text and eventually decided to meet up for drinks, which we did. When I saw him for the first time, I mean he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. I got more smitten with the bloke and It became more evident as the date progressed throughout the night that he was the one. OH! Btw, I’m 27 and he is 24 years old. I’ll call him Joe.

The date evening ended 4hrs later, I went home but couldn’t sleep with the butterflies in my tummy. All I could see, hear, feel and smell was him. We continued texting each other throughout the weekend into the new week. I think about a week or so into our acquaintance. I dropped the L.O.V.E bombshell as I couldn’t contain the overwhelming emotions I was going through. Expecting him to reciprocate, given the wonderful chats we been having, he actually “friend zoned” me.

My heart sank to an all-time low. I mean I was crushed, I felt defeated. How could he? after all the long chats over a week period. Surely he must love me, I’m cute, not the most handsome bloke, but definitely shagable . I’ve got curves in all the right places and I never struggle getting laid wherever I go. Anyway, I decided to reluctantly accept the “Friendship leaf” extended to me. Over the ensuing months Joe & I became rather good friends, I mean very good friends if not best ones for that matter. We would hangout @ my place, @ his etc. We went to movies together, holidays, you name it, we did it.

Fast Forward, to almost 11 or so months later. I managed to suppress my feelings for Joe and actually started seeing him more like a brother I never had, you know like the “bestest” friend ever! To the point where I’d give my left nut for him. I also managed to meet somebody in the process, let’s call this new guy Barry, though there aren’t any feelings involved, I’ve been sexually active with Barry for quite some time, I think 3 months to be precise. More like a FWB setup.

Now the complication, I have a sneaky suspicion that my “Best Friend” Joe, is extremely jealous of this arrangement I have going and that he has been developing feelings for me over the months. There has been hints from Joe that he is seriously into me, and is even making up phantom dates to try make me jealous. There’s also a lot of sexual innuendos and flirting from Joe to me. He’s even paying me compliments and telling me how sexy I am which was never the case before.

Now my question / dilemma: How do I go about telling Joe in a more polite way that I’ve kinda moved on since I couldn’t wait indefinitely for him. He never gave me any signs that things between us could evolve into a relationship. I mean, I’m beginning to enjoy Barry’s company, although I’m not in LOVE or have feeling for him. I’m just enjoying him and our arrangement is slowly unfolding into something more meaningful. Don’t get me wrong, I still have feelings for Joe, stronger than ever, but I won’t just dump Barry because Joe has finally realized that I might be a “catch” or even dating material for that matter.

(And I fully acknowledge that I couldn’t have expected Joe to reciprocate my feelings when I divulged mine to him within a week of our meeting, but while we were getting to know each other over the months, he made no effort to show me that things might change overtime so I had to reluctantly let go of the idea of ever dating him)

I don’t want to lose Joe as my best friend, and I’m afraid that he may be planning to woo me sooner than later into dating him or something. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!! I won’t leave Barry now, I’ve come too far!

 

[Seasoned]

Tell him some of what you wrote here. Ask him about the vibes he's been giving. It's not healthy for him to be motivated by jealousy. And you oughtn't be motivated by nobility in keeping your current relationship. All three of you will need to be adult about this as you move forward.

 

[accord98]

I agree^^

Ask Joe about the vibes you've been getting from him. If Joe admits to having feelings for you then you should give him a chance and go out on a date. You're only FWB with Barry it sounds like so you don't have to worry about cheating or anything. See how the date with Joe goes and then make your decision from there.

 

[Ondrjza]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated. I'll give this some serious thought. I just feel that Joe is beginning to settle for me after all his failed attempts to get something better else where. I know he's been trying to find "the perfect guy" since we have been discussing this as friends. On the other hand, i do agree that Barry is a mere FWB, but this arrangement is slowly drifting towards something meaningful. There aren't any feelings on either side, well @ least not from my side, but we have been discussing that if this turns into relationship, cool!

I'll discuss the "vibes" with Joe next time I see him.



I love Joe, but I don't want to be second best, knowing that I was chosen

 

[cluelessdate]

This happened to me with my FWB, V. I was with him for months, and initially I wanted to go further into an actual relationships, but then there are differences between us and arguments ensued. Basically he made it flat out that there was no chance of relationships and he wasn't gonna change for me. He was great but very childish, and his mood could run from one extreme to another, and while I can bear with that being a friend, I don't want a boyfriend who's that immature. Fast forward several months, I met my current boyfriend and then started dating him, and V went ballistic with me for moving on, even though we weren't even in a relationship and we we were both dating now and then with other people.

I like my friend a lot, and I think I loved him once. But I think what I did was right, for he has no right to keep me hanging like that. You need to discuss the issue with Joe, and maybe he'll be hurt, but don't budge. You have the right to love yourself, and to treat yourself right before anybody else.

 

[lodeus369]

Sounds like he's playing a game. I'd ignore it. The old, "You're not good enough for me until you find someone else" scenario. Perhaps he likes having that control over you. :/

 

[AstareGod]

One week... man, reminds me of my college days!

How intimate had you and Joe been before you dropped the L word? You may have been falling in love with him during that week, but he may have just been simply enjoying getting to know you. We tend to interpret a lot of a person's words and body language and filter it through our own desires - and we sometimes don't see what's really going on. It helps in those situations to take a step back and establish where you and the other person lie and what you're both looking for in that moment.

You already gave Joe a chance, and the two of you decided to continue as best friends. That's great; however, he seems to still harbor some feelings for you which are just now starting to come out. I went through the same thing with my best friend after he and I had known each other for about two years. I was initially attracted to him, but nothing could be realized because he was already together with someone. Then further down the road, he developed feelings for me. I didn't feel comfortable opening our friendship to sex. It was a little difficult at the time, but it turned out to be only a tiny rift in our friendship and we are still going very strong over seven years. We trust each other with everything.

You hadn't mentioned if you have had sex with Joe in the past, but if you haven't, there's nothing wrong with you two sharing that experience with one another. That could lead to some dangerous territory though, so be cautious.

The best advice I can give is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him, so both of you are on the same page and know what each other's wants and desires are. Things seem like they have changed since a year ago. Talk with him and find out where you both are with one another.

 

[Ondrjza]

Hey guys,

Thanks again for the advice. To answer some of the questions, Nope i haven’t had any sexual relations with Joe and am glad we didn’t. We only cuddled and kissed a coupla times in the beginning of our friendship but that’s about it. And it has been months since all that stopped. But we’ve hung out often, actually still do hang out to an extent where one would think we were dating.

I’ve come to appreciate the friendship I’ve built up with Joe. I wouldn’t trade that for the world and don’t think we should introduce sex to complicate it. I’ve let the idea of ever dating him go. It is only unfortunate that he has developed feelings for me over time.

I’ll just settle for my FWB setup with Barry and if that doesn’t transform into something concrete. No loss ?. I’d still (well, so i hope) have Joe as my best buddy to share experiences and good times with. Should, for whatever reason on his part be considering terminating our friendship because of his feelings, then i guess I’ll have to respect that and let go.

All I want is somebody who will want to be with me because of me, or because they took the time to get to know me. Not because all their “sexual-escapade” have been a failure. I refuse to be somebody’s 2nd best.

I've asked him to meet so we can discuss this.

Thanks again