Love or Sex????

[Definitii]

Hi Everyone!

Just wanted to introduce myself, I finally had the courage to actually post here after the longest time lurking around here but I’m glad I did! I would greatly appreciate your time and opinions regarding a matter that has been on my mind for the past month now. I’m in real need of some advice here….You guys always give such great advice when it comes to things like this. Be warned this might be a little long but I’ll try and see if I can keep it short…

Ok…Well I’m 23 yrs old and still in college with one year to go. I’m not out to my family and only a few friends know. I have never been in a real relationship with anyone, I don’t know how it feels to love someone or care for someone else. It’s always been about just about taking care of myself.

I tried the craigslist thing once hoping to find a guy sometime around mid-April but that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. The only thing I ever did with him was have my first kiss and oral but that’s about it. I never heard from him again which hurt me and my self esteem. During that summer I also worried myself to death that I had somehow got HIV from him but I got tested 3 months later with no problems so that was a relief.

Now for the problem…Well, during that same summer I was volunteering at the local hospital and decided to volunteer in a different area. It was there that I met this guy named Jeri but only saw him sporadically since he was in the process of moving from a different city. Nonetheless, he caught my eye and whenever I saw him I paid extra attention trying to figure out if he was gay or straight making small talk and what not. Then one day sometime in mid-August when I was leaving my department he came up to me out of the blue and we started talking again which ultimately resulted in us exchanging our numbers and e-mail addresses to keep in touch with each other. That’s when we really hit it off and then we started chatting via e-mail daily.

Then one day we finally spoke to each other on our cells and through our conversation found that we were both attracted to each other and that he was supposedly single sort of. The thing is, he was in a long distance relationship with his boyfriend who lives about an hour and thirty minute drive away but things didn’t seem like they were working out since they were always getting into fights and I guess from what I can understand they broke up. He told me that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship at the moment but that if I wanted to we could mess around and see where it goes. I was so excited that I had actually found someone who was actually interested in me that I was willing to give it a try. It was then that we set a date when we would get together at his apartment and get to know each other better near the end of August. Well I met him at his apartment finally but I guess I already knew what was going to happen. We couldn’t keep our hands of each other and had sex for the first time which was great. It was so spontaneous!

Everything seemed to be going great when one day I receive a call on my cell. It was his boyfriend on the other end. He told me that if I was seeing him, that they were still seeing each other, that Jeri was HIV positive, and that he also worked in the same hospital where I volunteered and threatened me that if anyone in HR found out all about this that we would all be in trouble. Everything that he said freaked me out and that’s when I got sucked into all this drama. I’m stupid I know, I should have known better to get myself into this situation. I did not know the full extent of what I was getting myself into, I’m still new to this whole relationship thing and I guess I was desperate to know how it really was to be in a relationship with another guy.

Anyway, I immediately called Jeri and told him what was going on. I told Jeri everything about our conversation and it looked like Jeri tried to lie to his boyfriend about us but I don’t think it worked. All throughout this time I have been honest to both Jeri and his boyfriend. Answering everything truthfully when they both asked me questions since it is not in my nature to lie about things like this.

After things quieted down, I later found out that all the things that Jeri’s boyfriend said were pretty much lies except for the HIV part. I’m hoping that I can trust Jeri on that one, he told me that he is HIV negative. Either way, I’m glad that I was smart enough to play it safe when it came to having sex with him. Jeri also suspects that his boyfriend was cheating on him but that is all speculation. I can’t say for sure if that’s the case, that’s between them.

To cut the story short, I hadn’t heard from Jeri in about 4-5 days since that whole incident so I sent an email to see how things were going. Everything was going okay and we finally talked in person the other day when I volunteered at the hospital. Jeri told me that he was confused and he didn’t know what he wanted to do. He still wanted to see if he can still work things out with his boyfriend since they’ve been seeing each other for a while and he still has feelings for him. For now they are going to take a break from each other.

Ever since we met yesterday and for the past week I now know how it feels to have your heart broken and I was really down on myself. I cried behind closed doors about all this, not letting anyone know. Not even my friends or my mom and brother know whom I’m very close with. It sucks to hide these kinds of things from them. What a great way to start off on a first relationship…ugh!

And now for the big question…I asked him what would happen between us. For now, he says that he is still interested in me and that we could still mess around with each other if I wanted to but it would only be about the sex, nothing more. After all this, I’m not mad at him and if anything I want to remain friends with him. But then again I’m not sure about that anymore. I’m so confused about this, maybe it’s all my fault.

At the same time I would do it for the sex but I’m afraid that I might get too attached to him. I don’t know what would happen if he got back together with his boyfriend, what will happen then? I don’t know if I can deal with being alone again but then again I gain experience. At the same time I don’t want to make things worse between Jeri and his boyfriend. I wonder sometimes if he is just taking advantage of the situation and of me, I mean what other opportunities will he have to get together with someone young like myself. But he is the only person I have ever met that actually makes me feel good about myself when I myself don’t feel that way. I don’t know if he just tells me things that I want to hear. That I’m not bad looking, that I have a great personality, that I’m a good catch, and that he’ll always be there for me no matter what. I don’t know about all that…I have such a hard time putting trust in people.

Should I just forget about him and cut him off? Should I just wait for the right person to come along or is love just an overrated thing? Man I can’t believe that this got so long…I’m sorry about that but if you’ve come this far I greatly appreciate the time you’ve taken to hear me out. So what do you guys think I should do?

Oops I almost forgot to mention that Jeri is 42 by the way. I don't know if that matters or not...

 

[EvilForce2]

Love is not overrated.

However, you seem to be seeking something far different than "Jeri" can provide you. Stay friends, but no sex since you are afraid of falling for him.

Frankly it sounds like "Jeri" and his b/f are a mess / drama queens. Leave them be.

This is one of those times when being a closeted gay man really works against you. You are 23 and in college, which is full of great gay guys, but because you don't want to come out of the closet (which I'm not judging you) you are left with the flakes and weirdos. Yes there are some great closeted gay guys that are relationship worthy, but when both of you are in the closet, it's going to be damn near impossible to find each other.

It's kinda like going to the bar to find your future date/lover, and then find out everyone you meet there are alcoholics. Ya know?

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Jeri and his friend sound like they're in a pretty messed up relationship. As Harding pointed out, Jeri lied to you about his boyfriend, and he lied to his boyfriend about you. Then his boyfriend lied to you about Jeri. Does this sound like something you want to be a part of? A soap opera?

Chalk it up to experience, be grateful your first time was a good one, and now set your sights on somebody you can actually be with without having to resort to lying or sneaking around. Despite what you've heard, it's actually better that way.

Lex

 

[Definitii]

Thank you guys for responding! I greatly appreciate the advice you’ve given me. I feel a lot better now. It looks like I’ll have to talk with Jeri soon and tell him that we’ll be just friends and nothing more. I told him that I would think about his proposal and get back to him…we’ll see how that goes. I’m gonna miss the making out and the sex a lot but I’ll just have to tough it out until I meet the right person. It was fun while it lasted. Hopefully 3rd one's a charm

This experience has really opened my eyes, all this time I thought people as old as Jeri and his boyfriend, who btw is 45, would have their shit together but I guess I was wrong. I’m thinking of coming out to my mom and brother pretty soon after all that’s happened. I really want to find someone that I can connect with and have a relationship with.

I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens if you want and if anyone has anything else to say please feel free. Thanks again everyone for hearing me out!

 

[rainbow-monkey]

Everyone else has pretty much covered it. from what i understood jeri seems to be looking for a fling after being away from his bf. though he's told you different his word is shakey at best seeing as he's lied to you before. you like the sex but ultimatly are looking for a relationship and love which in my opinion jeri cannot and probably will not give you.

chin up, keep smileing. the right guy's always just round the corner; all you gotta do is stop worrying about what might or might not happen and walk round it.

....omg terry's chocolate orange is the ultimate!!! (this is not an ad )

 

[KaraBulut]

Should I just forget about him and cut him off?

Yes........

 

[Definitii]

Reading your post(s) once more, there's something I'd like to add:

While age is simply a number in most cases, I can't help but get the impression that "Jeri" (and his partner) made use of your inexperience. At their age you should be able to expect from them to behave responsibly, but the truth is; most of the times you can't.

You know that was something that came up on my mind a couple of times too but I don't know. I can see how Jeri could take advantage of my situation but I don't think he's that kind of person. It wasn't like he was hitting on me or pressuring me to have sex with him, I was the one making the decisions. He would always ask me twice about things which showed that he cared from what I can see. But at times I have my doubts, either he really does care or hes just really good at playing people. I don't know anymore.

Maybe its partly my fault and his but for the most part hes been honest with me with a couple lies here and there about his boyfriend. He just hasn't been very honest with his boyfriend compared to me though which is puzzling to me. How can people do that to each other when their in a "relationship"? I know I would never do that to someone.

Its so hard to actually find someone that you can actually connect with which is something that I have with Jeri. I guess at the time when I met Jeri I was confusing my feelings for sex/lust with love if that makes any sense. Now its the reverse, how ironic! I was just so tired of being a virgin and not knowing what sex was all about that when the opportunity presented itself with Jeri, I took it which is something that I don't regret. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand. Plus, not only was I extremely attracted to Jeri on the outside but on the inside as well. Ugh, maybe I'm getting too mushy about this...

Next time I'll try and see if I can find someone around my own age. I don't know why but I find people that are older than me attractive which is weird. I guess its the whole experience thing or something. I am so confused right now...

 

[KaraBulut]

Next time I'll try and see if I can find someone around my own age. I don't know why but I find people that are older than me attractive which is weird. I guess its the whole experience thing or something. I am so confused right now...

The age wasn't the big factor here. The issue here was a bad choice- to get involved with someone who was in a complicated and dysfunctional relationship.

That's only a mistake if you don't learn from it and make a better choice the next time.

 

[Definitii]

UPDATE: Hey guys just wanted to let you guys know what’s been going on these past couple of days. Well it looks like ever since I last met with Jeri last week I have not heard from him. This whole experience and the fact that he has not called or e-mailed has been really bothering me to the point that I’m not feeling happy anymore and its starting to interfere with school. He’s usually good with keeping in touch but I don’t know what’s happened. Do you think that I should give him call or should I just wait for him to call?

I’m feeling more tired than usual, feeling really down at times, having difficulty concentrating in class, and I think I’m coming down with something as a result. I think I’m starting to get depressed about all this and I’m trying my best to not let it bring me down. I’ve already made an appointment with the counselor here at school in a little less than 2 weeks from today just to talk to someone about this, I wish it was sooner though but it was the only day they had available.

This whole experience has made me want to come out to my mom and then my brother, I’m tired of hiding all this from them. My mom asked me the other day if everything was OK and if it was “girlfriend trouble” that I’m having but I told her that it was just stress from school. I was so close to telling her everything but I didn’t. Do you guys think that I should tell her everything that has happened or do you think that I should just tell her first that I’m gay? Do you think it would be too much for her to handle if I told her everything that has happened between me and Jeri? Please let me know what I should do…

 

[Persian89]

I would suggest remove all emotions, and have sex with him, but he has HiV and lied about it.
That is major fucked up....

 

[G-Lexington]

You know your mother much better than any of us, so you probably have a better feel as to how she'd take this news. If you think she'd be supportive (regardless of any initial shock), then by all means, tell her. You could use the support.

Lex

 

[Definitii]

I would suggest remove all emotions, and have sex with him, but he has HiV and lied about it.
That is major fucked up....

At times I wish I could that but I don't know if I can, sometimes I want to but then again I don't know. The thing is, I'm not sure if he does have HIV or if his boyfriend was just saying this to scare me off. He said that he was HIV negative and that he would get tested soon but I don't know when.

That's another thing that has been on my mind as well. Say he was HIV positive, is it possible that I may have gotten it even though I took the necessary precautions to protect my self. Maybe thats why I have been feeling sick??? I have been stressing over it as well and I have been known to be a hypochondriac sometimes...

 

[Definitii]

You know your mother much better than any of us, so you probably have a better feel as to how she'd take this news. If you think she'd be supportive (regardless of any initial shock), then by all means, tell her. You could use the support.

Lex

I don't think that she will have a problem if I tell her that I'm gay...well maybe a little but I don't know how she would react if I told her I was seeing someone that was 20 years older than me. I don't know how she would react to that....Should I just not mention the age thing to her or should I just be totally honest about all this???

 

[Persian89]

I would personally never have sex with someone with HiV, just not worth the risk, plenty of twink asses out there.....
So gets yourself checked out ASAP before having sex with someone else.
EVEN WITH CONDOM!

Then if you want to have sex with him, thats your choice, I personally would beat the living shit out if him if he lied about it.
Seriously, book an appointment with both his kneecap with a baseball bat if he lied.

Anyway, it takes practice to remove emotions before sex.
I usually just never actually get too close to them, I don't hang out with them I don't respond on MSN when they write, if I'm not horny of course.
I don't ask about interests or anything like that.

I also come from a cold home with elitist assholes as parents, so I tend to think about their negative sides.
For example I have a list that gives me small notices about a person, and if it gets too many I don't like them.
It took a while to "implement" this in myself to care about it, so it became important to me and my emotions.
Sorta connect it with your feelings if you get me.... jedi shit

1) If he is unemployed
2) He doesn't know what COBOL is
3) He doesn't play games
4) Doesn't like Star Wars (how the fuck can't you like Star Wars..fucking weirdos)


I am sure you got your own neat little list, with your own goofy useless shit thats important to you.


Then again, ask yourself, do you want to be like me......
What if you really found someone who wants a relationship with you and he isn't an virus-infected douchébag?

What if you meet, and all those things in your list suddenly starts to pop up and you start to dislike the guy and get total nonchalant.
AND IN THE END, HE DISGUSTS YOU, they all start to disgust you....



Sorry for my spelling and if I come out as a complete asshole (I am an asshole actually).
Been up for 36 hours straight, doing Python.... it's now 02:20 AM..jesus christ I'm freezing.

 

[Echoes]

I don't think that she will have a problem if I tell her that I'm gay...well maybe a little but I don't know how she would react if I told her I was seeing someone that was 20 years older than me. I don't know how she would react to that....Should I just not mention the age thing to her or should I just be totally honest about all this???

it's always better when you're honest, but it is not necessary mentioning the "Jeri thing" right now. If you have decided to come out, then coming out is the most important part, let your mother know and see what happens, you can talk about your affair with the 42 years old man later. Besides you're just friends now, then the only thing that matters is what you have to say about yourself. Best of luck and hopefully everything is gonna be fine.

welcome to JUB by the way and congrats on your decision.

 

[Tizinsane]

I agree with Persian. If I found out someone had HIV/AIDS I wouldnt even consider a sexual relationship with them. No way...no how! Totally out of the question.

I wish u the best.